Exploring Grief and Sex
People often feel a sense of loss when they realize that sex requires work. This might sound silly, but there is a misconception that sex should be effortless. That it should be easy and organic. Or, if those things don’t come effortlessly, you just aren’t good at “it”. Many people assume that we should be good at sex, however, the reality is that if you want to be a good lover, you have to work for it!
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
When we experience grief, we are dealing with some sort of loss and that emotional response to loss is grief. Grief is a completely normal process, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be affiliated with the death of someone - you can also experience grief over the loss of an idea, an opportunity, a relationship - or in this situation, the grief that comes with exploring sexuality.
People often feel a sense of loss when they realize that sex requires work.
This might sound silly, but there is a misconception that sex should be effortless. That it should be easy and organic. Or, if those things don’t come effortlessly, you just aren’t good at “it”. Many people assume that we should be good at sex, however, the reality is that if you want to be a good lover, you have to work for it!
Here are a few tips to help work through this of type grief:
IT’S OKAY TO BE AVERAGE
Grief is a physical, emotional and cognitive experience - just like sex! So, when the two come together, you can imagine that it can become complicated and tough to navigate.
Stop comparing yourself to media depictions and people in porn. You do not have to compete with mainstream celebrities or sex professionals, especially in the bedroom. Sure, it’s easy to compare yourself to those in the spotlight, but, let them do THEIR job! The truth is, you are not competing against reality, you’re competing against a character, who also has the benefit of a camera crew, hair/makeup, story, script and could very well be trained at their profession, with years of experience under their belt.
Being normal or average at sex is whatever feels fulfilling to you and your partner!
DO YOUR HOMEWORK
Think about this: how do you want to show up as a lover? What are you doing to support that vision? For example, if you want to be a giving lover, do you know what pleases your partner? Do you know what they like the most? How much time do you spend actually giving? How often are you talking about this stuff?
When you are able to recognize your own motives, you might feel less pressure and more control/confidence to create a sex life that fulfills you and your partner.
Research shows that couples who have better communication can also have better sex lives. Good communication doesn’t always lead to good sex, but exploring new things and asking questions can lead to improvements in and out of the bedroom.
Try making a list of everything that you want to try (and things that are off-limits) and ask your partner to do the same. Maybe you’ve both been fantasizing about similar things or you’ll uncover new activities to explore that fill up your love tank - that’s great! Make time to understand each point of view so you can get to know your partner’s love language (and even your own more deeply).
Some people might have trouble initiating sex, talking about fantasies, asking for their partner for more sex or how they can be a better lover. If that’s the case, seeing a sex therapist can be a great place to start! As trained professionals, they can help ask questions that can be useful for figuring out things that might be going wrong in bed - especially when it comes to your grief and sexuality. Just be patient and understand that things might take time.
THINK OF YOUR SEX LIFE ON A BELL CURVE
The majority of sexual encounters tend to be in the middle - meaning they're satisfying, but maybe not always mind blowing. There are going to be other encounters that are on the extremes, meaning sometimes sex will be incredible and sometimes it will bomb. This is all very normal. It's helpful to have a healthy outlook.
Many couples will experience ups and downs of their relationships - including their sex life. Things might start off hot and heavy, but dwindle over time due to many reasons - distractions pop up, your sex drive might be different than your partners and our bodies change as we get older. It’s up to you to keep good sex good. It’s up to you to improve or refresh things in the bedroom. Don’t look at this as a chore, but a sexual opportunity to improve the next phase of your sexual experience. You and your partner are worth the work!
And this goes for individuals that are single, too. A hookup might be great because you were both connected and fully present. On the other hand, a one-time sexual encounter might leave you feeling disappointed or let down if it was messy, embarrassing or only one of you reached orgasm. This is all normal, but remember that sexual expectations can evolve.
If your expectations are keeping you from connecting well with a partner, you probably won’t have as good of a time as you imagined. When you expect so much from sex and don’t meet these (sometimes) unrealistic standards, you could be left feeling inadequate and unsatisfied with both yourself and your partner.
Like all things in life, things might not go according to plan or end with a perfect finish every time. Try adopting a pleasure-based approach when it comes to your sex-pectations. Doing this can help eliminate fears that arise from believing that you must be a sex-pert and know everything about sexual intimacy.
We all deserve to have a healthy, safe and fun sex life. It’s okay if that doesn’t happen organically, don’t give up! Good sex takes work. You might have great chemistry with someone, but that doesn't mean that your sex will be great, too.
Just because you have an unpleasurable sexual experience, doesn’t mean that you’re bad in bed, either! You might have had the best sex of your life, but that also isn’t guaranteed each and every time. Don't worry, you didn't lose it!
When it comes to grief and sex, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach or solution, because everyone’s grief is unique and how we respond to it can differ from person to person. Be open, be understanding and put the work in!
BEING VULNERABLE IN BED
Take a minute, close your eyes, and think about your most memorable, mind-blowing sexual encounter. Were you trying something new outside of your comfort zone? Were you with a partner that captivated you in such a way that you put all insecurities aside? You were raw. You were brave. And you were vulnerable - and it felt amazing! Here are a few tips to help you embrace being vulnerable together with your partner and asking for what you want in the bedroom!
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Take a minute, close your eyes, and think about your most memorable, mind-blowing sexual encounter. Were you trying something new outside of your comfort zone? Were you with a partner that captivated you in such a way that you put all insecurities aside? You were raw. You were brave. And you were vulnerable - and it felt amazing!
Being vulnerable and being able to ask for what you want in bed has come up a lot lately with my clients.
As humans, we are naturally social. On the contrary, many of us also resist vulnerability - the trait that helps us form close, intimate connections (in and out of the bedroom). Sometimes, we also view being vulnerable as being weak because it can expose us to humiliation or pain that could have been avoided. So, how do we get beyond this and embrace being vulnerable in bed?
Many of us struggle with vulnerability because we often fail to realize all of the ways that we protect and distance ourselves from others. When we resist vulnerability, we’re actually denying the people close to us the opportunity to fully know us. Just remember, you also have control over who you reveal yourself to based on your level of trust with that person - and that includes intimate moments in bed.
Here are a few tips to help you embrace being vulnerable together with your partner and asking for what you want. Before you start, make sure to reinforce a no-judgement, no-pressure zone with your partner.
FANTASY
Both of you write down a fantasy that you have with each other. Try reading it to one another. Or, if you’d rather take a different route (and maybe get your partner in the mood for later), share your fantasy through email or text during the day so you can act it out when you both get home. Encouraging your partner to be vulnerable helps them feel safe and when we make a commitment to it in advance, you can share the same intentions.
TAKE TURNS
Before you dive right in, discuss your boundaries and what is off limits in bed with your partner. Take turns asking for one thing from each other in bed. Partner A asks to be kissed on the neck - and partner B does just that. Then, partner B asks to be told something dirty, and partner A delivers the sexy message. Remember, when you lead with vulnerability, you’re likely to receive it in return. Be willing to be there with your partner in all that they feel during these intimate moments.
TOP 5
Instead of avoiding sexual vulnerability, imagine the level of empowerment that you can experience if you just acknowledged and accepted that it’s there to be enjoyed! Try this. Each partner creates a list of their top 5 favorite things to do and have done to them in bed. Exchange notes with your partner and see where the experience takes you!
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Vulnerability can also be an important factor to long-term success in romantic relationships because it’s hard to form a connection while remaining closed off. When we are open to and able to experience intimacy and vulnerability at the same time, we have the opportunity to encounter so many benefits that come along with these close connections.
Remember, that being vulnerable in your relationship takes practice, patience and often time. But, the rewards of a stronger couple connection of feeling valued, heard and understood can be well worth it!
Masturbation May! Exploring Self-Pleasure
May is National Masturbation Month! It’s totally healthy and completely normal to engage in self-pleasure. It provides an opportunity for us to get to know our bodies better and our own sexual responses - not to mention tons of health + wellness benefits!
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
May is National Masturbation Month! It’s totally healthy and completely normal to engage in self-pleasure. It provides an opportunity for us to get to know our bodies better and our own sexual responses - not to mention tons of health + wellness benefits!
Not everyone masturbates and that’s okay. Some people are committed to their partners and have no interest in self-pleasure. Others might have no sexual urges. Past trauma, religion and one’s cultural upbringing can affect whether someone masturbates. There should be zero-judgement of those that don’t. And for those of you not heading down south on your own, try to be open and let others feel better about masturbation.
SO, LET’S GET TO THE GOOD STUFF!
HEALTH BENEFITS
Research shows that masturbation and other sexual activities leading to pleasure and orgasm trigger the release of hormones and chemicals involved in the brain’s pleasure-reward center. These include:
• Dopamine is an important neurotransmitter known as the “happiness hormone” that makes you feel good and improves your mood.
• Oxytocin AKA the “love hormone”, promotes sexual, social and maternal behaviors associated with happiness. Its release supports well-being, growth, healing and even bonding (who doesn’t love an extra self-love boost)! It is also known to lower cortisol levels.
• Endorphins are the feel-good chemicals that can help reduce pain - also responsible for the rush of pleasure we get sometimes with movement/exercise.
• Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps reduce stress. There is also a connection between higher serotonin levels and an increase in mood.
• Adrenaline can lower stress by regulating your heart rate and blood vessels.
• Testosterone is the hormone released during sex that improves arousal and stamina.
Not to mention the overall general health benefits of masturbation such as: aiding in relaxation, promoting better sleep, reducing stress, relieving menstrual cramps, and enhancing self-esteem + body image!
SELF CARE
To some, masturbation plays a key part in their wellness routine - just like getting a massage, going to yoga, or meditating. It’s something that can make us feel better both mentally and physically and is an important step in promoting greater sexual health.
Sexual freedom and the ability to pleasure yourself is so important. It can provide a sense of independence, yet parts of society still view it as taboo or shameful. Realistically, masturbation can be a powerful tool that can help us become more comfortable in our own shoes and with our sexuality - promoting self-acceptance and boosting self-esteem.
Try making a weekly date with yourself. Draw a bath, but on some relaxing music, light a candle and grab your favorite vibrator. Giving yourself a little me-time can help you reclaim our own sexuality — on our own terms!
Caring for your own needs can and should be a priority. It’s not self-indulgent or even selfish because the more comfortable we are with our own bodies, the easier it is to communicate our needs, desires, likes and dislikes, to others - in the bedroom and out.
BETTER AT SEX
Masturbation is a great way to build a deeper appreciation of how your body works and how amazing it really is! It helps us understand what our bodies like and don’t like, plus, how we react to certain touches and stimulations. It can increase our openness and comfort levels when it comes to talking about sex and our bodies with our partners and even friends, doctors, etc.
Self-exploration can make you more attuned to sensual touch - which can boost sexual confidence WITH a partner! Studies have shown that a negative perception of your body can ultimately alter your libido, too.
Try to explore yourself and all your erogenous zones before heading down south. It’s natural and it’s normal. When you’re comfortable, mutual masturbation can be a safe way to get intimate with your partner by giving the other person a glimpse into what feels good and how to do it, adding another activity to spice things up in the bedroom!
The best way to strengthen muscles is to exercise - and when females masturbate, they are doing just that by strengthening the pelvic floor muscles at the same time - leading to better sex and more orgasms.
Masturbation isn’t new. Ancient Greek poetry described women pleasuring themselves and archaeologists have found dildos dating back 30,000 years! Try to remember that no two sex lives are the same – and that includes solo and sex with a partner.
There is no right or wrong way to masturbate. You don’t need to do it daily or even monthly to experience the benefits surrounding the act of self-pleasure. And if you do – that’s great!
Masturbation can provide ongoing awareness and information that will help you enjoy and improve sex throughout your life. Just remember, your pursuit of happiness and sexual pleasure is normal and ENCOURAGED.
Cheating and Forgiveness
Cheating can hurt. It can be devastating to everyone involved - the partner that was cheated on, the cheater and the relationship. When many couples enter a new relationship, they do so with the mutual understanding of fidelity and respect. When that fidelity turns into infidelity, things can get tough. Lots of people assume that cheating ultimately means that a relationship is over, but that’s not always the case.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Cheating can hurt. It can be devastating to everyone involved - the partner that was cheated on, the
cheater and the relationship. When many couples enter a new relationship, they do so with the mutual understanding of fidelity and respect. When that fidelity turns into infidelity, things can get tough.
Lots of people assume that cheating ultimately means that a relationship is over, but that’s not always the case.
So, how do we approach learning how to forgive someone after cheating? To some, this form of infidelity is the ultimate form of disrespect and many individuals cannot get past it - and that’s okay. But, some want to make an effort to put the work in to attempt to salvage their relationship. For this, it’s important that both partners are committed to healing and the possibility of a reconciliation. Just remember that relationships are different and everyone deserves to make their own informed decision about how to move forward.
FORGIVENESS + TRUST
It’s 100% normal and acceptable to experience mixed feelings after being cheated on. You might be angry, betrayed, sad, devastated; which in turn, can make it harder to forgive a partner.
Working through these feelings and trying to let go of anger and resentment are great steps in your journey to forgiving a cheating partner. If these feelings aren’t processed correctly, it can actually be harder to heal yourself. It can be a struggle to heal when you’re consumed by the pain and anger caused by infidelity.
Building trust takes time in a new relationship - so does rebuilding trust after a partner cheats. Oftentimes, forgiving a cheating partner means that you might have the capacity and willingness to do so, but trusting your partner might take some time (or it might not ever happen, and that’s also normal).
Trust and forgiveness are in fact two separate occurrences. You can forgive, but that doesn’t automatically mean that trust is present. Forgiveness might seem like the easy way out at times, but try not to rush this process. It can cause pain and even more distance between both partners.
Forgiveness can help a partner find relief from the pain of being cheated on and trust can help a forgiven partner find a sense of release from the guilt of their infidelity. Try to be open to yourself and each other. This can help uncover any underlying issues/problems in a relationship.
This recovery can be a complicated process and it takes both partners willing to rebuild the relationship to build this trust again.
SELF-WORTH
Cheating can also harm a partner’s self-worth, causing the recipient to doubt themselves or think that something they did wrong drove their partner to cheat. In reality, there can be many reasons why people engage in cheating and oftentimes the act of it has nothing to do with you. The opportunity might have been right. Alcohol might have been involved or the partner wasn’t invested in the relationship as much as their counterpart.
When we don’t process feelings properly after an instance of infidelity, a betrayed partner can sometimes experience the same or similar symptoms as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Symptoms can include unstable emotional regulation, going back and forth between feeling numb and feeling anger, repeated intrusive thoughts and feeling broken (to name a few). This same trauma might even uncover or trigger unresolved damage from the past, complicating the healing process even more.
It is possible to feel whole again! You are not alone and are still the same amazing human that you were before your partner cheated. Try to understand that it had nothing to do with YOU. Work hard to rebuild your confidence and try thinking constructively to squash negative self-thoughts by turning things you’d like to change into goals.
A CHEATER’S ROLE
It’s natural that a person who cheats can expect their partner to be unhappy or deeply upset after the incident. If you decide to try and rebuild your relationship - being transparent with your partner and reassuring them that nothing negative is going on behind their back might be commonplace for quite some time.
To help with the healing, the cheating partner needs to try and put aside the actions and feelings that caused them to stray in the first place - understanding the act of betrayal itself. What drove them to the affair? Was the relationship lacking an emotional or physical connection? Is there an underlying issue that caused this behavior?
If the cheater can make an effort to fully commit to work through their significant others’ frustration, pain or even retaliation AND own up to their own actions, it can be possible to rebuild trust and the relationship. This needs to be treated as an important life event. It can hurt, but the outcome can help one grow.
HEALING AFTER CHEATING
Couples might be able to address and work through these issues on their own to forgive - and that’s great! For others, this complicated process might need a little bit of help - and that’s great, too!
Therapy can help both partners in a cheating relationship repair lost trust and forgive one another. Oftentimes, through counseling, couples can uncover the root of the breakdown of the relationship and realize how strong their love and bond truly is - and that their relationship is worth saving. On the contrary, even if a couple wants to make things work after a partner cheats, it might not be fixable - but that doesn’t mean that you didn’t give it a try. Different people can tolerate different things. Cheating might be limited to one occurrence or it might have happened multiple times. This all matters when it comes to the healing process.
If you are conflicted about your partner that cheated, your relationship, yourself - or all of the above - it might be time to talk to a therapist who can help guide you (individually or as a couple) through the healing and recovery process of cheating and forgiveness.
The outcome might surprise you! Valuable lessons can be learned from the past that help you communicate effectively and honestly with your partner more than ever before!
Better Sex vs More Sex
If you want better sex, you need to start talking about it! As we start a new year, I try to encourage my clients to explore how to make their relationships more pleasurable - in and out of the bedroom!
Instead of focusing on if you’re having ENOUGH sex, try to consider whether or not you’re experiencing enough pleasure and connection with your partners.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
If you want better sex, you need to start talking about it! As we start the new year, I try to encourage my clients to explore how to make their relationships more pleasurable - in and out of the bedroom!
Instead of focusing on if you’re having ENOUGH sex, try to consider whether or not you’re experiencing enough pleasure and connection with your partner(s).
Better sex > more sex
These ideas can not only improve your solo or partnered sex life, but your life as a whole!
YOU LOOK GOOD
To me, being sexy is about the attitude you exude, not how you look physically. Society often gives us the perception that we need to look a certain way in order to be sexy. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! Self-confidence is about feeling good in the skin you’re in and being aware of your inner and outer beauty.
When we haven't developed a comfortable and intimate relationship with ourselves, it makes it harder to build an open, comfortable and intimate sexual relationship with someone else.
So, strip down, get naked and take a moment to celebrate YOUR body. Admire yourself and remember that you are beautiful because you are YOU!
PARTY OF 1, PLEASE
Self-pleasure and self-esteem are positively connected. When touching yourself, pay attention to your body’s response - what feels good, how and where you like to be touched. Masterbation lets us explore new sensations and stimulations that might not have been experienced yet with a partner. Try using this information to your advantage!
Pleasuring yourself in front of your partner is a vulnerable experience that can also encourage intimacy, sparking new techniques in the bedroom. Giving your partner a glimpse into how you touch yourself is a major turn on, but this type of vulnerability encourages closeness between partners.
COMMUNICATION
True or False? Our partners naturally know what turns us on, what we like/don’t like in bed and how we like to be touched and caressed. In reality, this isn’t always the case and that’s OK! Opening yourself up to having these sometimes awkward conversations with your partner is a great place to start.
Do you like being touched in a certain way? Trying out a new technique on your partner and not sure if they are into it? Encourage your partner to tell you what’s working and what isn’t. If you want more of something or a different technique, speak up! Things like “I love when you do that” or “just a little harder” can go a long way. The key here is to be open to constructive feedback without judgment. This valuable information can be used to fulfill both partners, in and out of the bedroom.
TRY SOMETHING NEW
Spice up your (sex) life and excite your partner! Try sending them dirty text messages during the day as an anticipation of what’s to come after work. Explore new positions, bring sex toys into the mix or change locations (it’s not always about the bed). Incorporate costumes or role play into your sexual activities.
All of these things can help break you out of your usual habits, which can lead to more exploration and better sex.
Ask we embark on 2022, try to use this opportunity to change old relationship habits, commit to better sexual experiences, and ultimately improve your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Remember, it’s not always about having more sex, but when you focus on better sex and communication with yourself and your partner, the outcome might surprise you!
4 Relationship Myths To Stop Believing Today
Have you ever wished you had closer relationships? I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships, family relationships, and even acquaintance-level relationships that have the potential to grow deeper.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Have you ever wished you had closer relationships? I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships, family relationships, and even acquaintance-level relationships that have the potential to grow deeper.
Relationships are essential for wellbeing, as they provide a sense of comfort, belonging, and security. Studies have shown that individuals with more relationships have greater life expectancies and recovery rates from illnesses than those with fewer connections. While surface-level relationships count in this category and can have a positive impact on mental and physical health, it’s the deeper, more intimate relationships that are known to reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation the most.
If you’ve been making an effort to attend social events and meet people, yet you’re still having trouble relating to others on a deeper level, you may be abiding by some false relationship beliefs that are damaging your connections. Read below to figure out if any of the following relationship myths are blocking you from building more meaningful relationships with others.
“If I talk about something I’m struggling with, I’ll be a burden.”
One of the primary reasons why people need each other is for the ability to share their struggles. You’ve likely heard your network of relationships referred to as your “support system.” This is why. Next time you’re struggling with something, try opening up a little bit to the friend you trust the most. Their body language and verbal response will tell you whether or not it’s safe to open up more. If you’ve never done this before, you’ll likely be surprised at how much other people are willing to listen and offer support.
“If I disagree with someone, it will end our relationship.”
Not only are disagreements normal, they’re also healthy! In fact, one of the worst things you can do for a relationship is pretend to be okay with something when you’re really not. Doing this creates false expectations and makes it harder to be your true self later on in the relationship. Realizing that you and a friend or romantic partner disagree on something creates an opportunity to learn from one another, grow, and develop conflict resolution skills.
“If I talk about myself, I’ll monopolize the conversation.”
Talking about yourself is a requirement if you want to build and deepen relationships. It’s how people get to know you. If you’re worried that you’re talking too much about yourself, try inserting some questions into your end of the conversation. This will provide an opportunity to see where you and the other person are alike and which interests you share.
“If I don’t say 100% of what I’m thinking and feeling, I won’t be authentic.”
While yes, authenticity is important, filtering is equally as essential. Speaking your mind 100% of the time comes off as abrasive and can scare away many of the people you had the chance of building healthy relationships with. There are some occasions that warrant being blunt, such as if your boundaries are crossed or someone is asking you to do something against your values, but otherwise, being diplomatic is a better choice. Avoid gossipping, complaining about minor issues, oversharing, and stirring the pot by bringing up controversial topics.
While the myths above are quite common, they are untrue and can be damaging to relationships. Do a thorough examination of your interactions with others to see if you’re falling into any of these traps without even realizing it. Then, re-enter the same social spaces with your new set of beliefs. You’d be surprised how far some simple changes in thinking can impact the way you show up in relationships with others.
Trusting Your Gut - Can It Really Help You Choose a Partner?
The disappearance and later discovered death of Gabby Petito along with the speculation that her now missing boyfriend could have been the culprit has caused many to offer this advice: Trust your gut. If you think something’s off about a person, it probably is.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
The disappearance and later discovered death of Gabby Petito along with the speculation that her now missing boyfriend could have been the culprit has caused many to offer this advice: Trust your gut. If you think something’s off about a person, it probably is.
Usually, we’re not wondering if our partners are potential killers, but rather whether or not they are a good fit for us long-term. Read on to learn what experts have to say about whether or not trusting your gut feeling is an effective way to make decisions.
Your “Second Brain”
Most people are aware of brain chemicals such as dopamine (the reward chemical) and serotonin (the happy chemical). What you may not know is that 95% of your body’s serotonin and over 50% of its dopamine are actually created in your gut. Neural connections between your brain and your gut are incredibly strong, causing some researchers to refer to the gut as “the second brain.” Gut intuition is more than just a mystical feeling. It’s a scientifically backed phenomenon that can have a serious impact on your mood and decision making process.
Faster Than Your Conscious Mind
Several studies have been conducted on the accuracy of gut feelings. In one, participants were asked to identify their own voices while listening to recordings themselves and others. While the subjects struggled to pick out the recordings of their own voices, devices hooked up to their hands measured increases in perspiration when their own voices played. The conclusion drawn from this study was that while the mind may be slow to recognize information, our bodies are able to respond much faster.
Decision Complexity
A different study revealed that when it came to making complex decisions, such as buying a house, participants were more satisfied with their choices when they made them intuitively as opposed to after extensive analysis. The act of making a choice based on a gut feeling came to be known as “deliberation without attention.” Researchers determined that this is because when the decision is more complex, you’re likely to only consider a subset of relevant factors, weighing the importance of each factor incorrectly.
Intuition Isn’t Everything
None of this is to say that careful thought and consideration aren’t important. Analysis is crucial in certain situations, such as when running a business. It’s also important to ask yourself whether or not the person you’re dating shares the same values as you, desires the same type of lifestyle, and has qualities that would make them a good future partner and/or parent. These factors need to be taken into account, even if you’re head over heels in love and you feel nothing but the warm fuzzies when you’re around them.
Look for Patterns
Intuition is formed by your past experiences. Negative gut feelings often come from your body’s recognition of threats you’ve experienced in the past. It’s what helped our ancestors determine friend or foe. If you saw several friends attacked by bears in the past, you’d probably run from any big furry animal in the woods, even if you couldn’t identify it.
If you’re sensing a negative gut reaction to your partner or the idea of a relationship with someone, ask yourself if it’s potentially due to an unhealthy pattern in the past. Does this person do some of the same things a toxic ex used to do? Are they in a similar situation job-wise as a past partner who couldn’t provide? Are they showing warning signs of abuse you’ve read about before? Ask yourself what may be going on that’s contributing to your sense of unease, and try to explore possibilities with as much self-honesty as possible.
Better Safe Than Sorry
If you’re in a relationship that continuously feels off but you’re not sure why, remember the research above. It’s possible that your unconscious mind is picking up on something you haven’t consciously realized yet. If you can’t shake the feeling, skip the trouble of trying to reassure yourself. Chances are, your gut knows something you don’t. Look for someone who brings you a sense of ease and security instead. If there’s anything recent news has taught us, it’s that it’s better safe than sorry.
Is There Really Such a Thing as Spending "Too Much" Time Together?
If you’ve ever called in sick, travelled across the country, or driven further over the speed limit than you’d like to admit in order to spend more time with your partner, then you know exactly how true this is. When you’re in love, it can feel like all the time in the world with your partner is never enough.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“Love recognizes no barriers.”
-Maya Angelou
If you’ve ever called in sick, travelled across the country, or driven further over the speed limit than you’d like to admit in order to spend more time with your partner, then you know exactly how true this is.
When you’re in love, it can feel like all the time in the world with your partner is never enough.
It’s easy to lose track of how many nights in a row you slept at your partner’s or when the last time you called your best friend was. Time together just feels so...good.
Spending quality time with your partner is incredibly important. Missing each other when you’re apart is normal and often healthy. Thinking about setting boundaries around the amount of time you spend together may sound like a total buzzkill, so why would you?
Boundaries around the time you spend with your partner can have relationship benefits such as increased attraction to one another and more enjoyment of your time together.
Spending too much time together can harm your relationship in the following ways:
Your Friends Stop Inviting You To Things
If you’re dating or married, you’re likely spending less time with your friends than you were when you were single. However, if you’ve turned down so many invitations that your friends no longer ask you to hang out, there’s a good chance you’ve been spending too much time with your partner. Having friends outside of your romantic partner is an important ingredient for good mental health. Make sure you are spending time with them regularly.
You Get Irritable
Often, spending too much time with your partner results in annoyance with each other. If your partner’s chewing is getting on your nerves or neutral things they do are starting to bother you, you probably need a break.
Your To-Do List Starts Getting Backed Up
Going on dates and sleeping in together requires sacrificing time you could be spending on other things. An overflowing laundry basket or growing list of unanswered emails may be signs that you’ve been neglecting duties outside of your relationship. Letting things pile up can create resentment for your partner. Making sure you’re on top of your responsibilities can lower your anxiety and help you be more present when you’re together.
You Get Bored
Relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel, writes “It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned [their] sense of autonomy.”
Getting to know another person in all of their uniqueness is what makes relationships so exciting. If you and your partner give up your hobbies and interests or spend almost all of your free time together, you lose the qualities that made you attractive to each other in the first place.
There’s a bonus, too: Perel explains that not only does some space between you and your partner make you more interesting to each other, it also makes you more attracted to one another. Part of what makes the beginning of relationships so exciting is the element of mystery. Time apart creates healthy levels of mystery in relationships, as well as increased intimacy when the two of you reconnect.
Setting boundaries around how much time you and your partner spend together doesn’t sound sexy. Nevertheless, time apart can improve multiple facets of your relationship. Consider planning time away from your partner as a short-term sacrifice in exchange for long-term benefits.
Helpful Texting Boundaries That Can Benefit Any New Relationship
Few things in the early stages of a new relationship cause more anxiety than texting. Most Millennials and Gen Z-ers are all too familiar with questions like, “When should I text them back?” “Am I overdoing it?” “Should I wait to respond because they took forever?” “How many emojis is too many?”
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Few things in the early stages of a new relationship cause more anxiety than texting. Most Millennials and Gen Z-ers are all too familiar with questions like, “When should I text them back?” “Am I overdoing it?” “Should I wait to respond because they took forever?” “How many emojis is too many?”
Communication between two people is always complex. Unfortunately, there is no rulebook to tell you exactly how and when to respond to your crush. There are, however, several guiding principles that can help you keep your texting conversations healthy and effective early on in relationships. Read on to learn these helpful tips.
Don’t Play Games
If your romantic interest takes several hours to respond to one of your texts, you may be tempted to do the same, even if you saw their text right away. You may have heard that this is a good idea, but actually, playing mind games, like “hard to get” can feel unnatural, anxiety-provoking, and even manipulative to both you and whoever is on the receiving end of them. Avoid using calculated schemes to try and make your partner like you more. The right person will show you they care without you having to use these kinds of tactics.
Save Serious Topics for In-Person
Part of getting to know a new romantic partner is having serious, sometimes difficult conversations about values, past relationships, and more. Although it may seem easier to discuss these topics behind the safety of a keyboard, doing so can be very risky. Texting leaves no room for important information gleaned from tone of voice or body language. Forego the risk of misinterpreting what your partner is saying or being misunderstood, yourself. As uncomfortable as it may be, have these kinds of conversations face-to-face.
Know Your Intentions
Have you ever sent a text just to see how the other person responds? Have you ever done the opposite- not sent a text to see how the other person responds? Oftentimes, we are unaware of our true intentions when we communicate. Practice paying attention to what you’re really after when you text your partner. Notice if your goal is to seek validation or test your new partner to see if they’re really interested. Keep in mind that sending a message with these intentions may lead to unnecessary feelings of rejection if your partner doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped.
Manage Expectations
Oftentimes, we expect others to communicate the same way we do. You may be a quick replier while your partner waits until after work to check their phone. When texting a new person, replace your expectations with curiosity about the other person’s texting style. Remembering that there is no one “right way” to text will help prevent you from reading too much into the other person’s messages if they don’t exactly match the style of yours.
Normalize Short Texts
You know the old saying, “Less is more?” This is often the case when it comes to texting a new romantic interest. Consider texting as a means to make plans and figure out logistics. Then, save the rest for in-person hangouts, phone conversations, or FaceTime calls. Not only will this help you get to know each other better, it’ll also ward off the embarrassment caused by sending a long-winded text only to be met with a few words in return.
The uncertainty of a new relationship almost always causes some anxiety. Following the suggestions above will help keep overthinking to a minimum when getting to know a romantic interest via text. In summary, texting at this stage is best kept as a means of casual interaction and planning times when you and your partner can really get to know each other by going on dates.
How Important Are Looks, Really, When It Comes To Love?
You’ve heard it all before: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Beauty is only skin deep.” “Love is blind.” But you’ve also been bombarded with the opposite: romantic comedies casting near-perfect looking actors, Cinderella winning the heart of the prince while her “ugly stepsisters” pined for him fruitlessly. Advertisements featuring stereotypically attractive partners leaving Kay Jewelers hand in diamond-clad hand.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
You’ve heard it all before: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Beauty is only skin deep.” “Love is blind.” But you’ve also been bombarded with the opposite: romantic comedies casting near-perfect looking actors, Cinderella winning the heart of the prince while her “ugly stepsisters” pined for him fruitlessly. Advertisements featuring stereotypically attractive partners leaving Kay Jewelers hand in diamond-clad hand.
So what’s the truth? When it comes to love, do looks really matter? Keep reading to learn about some of the latest research on the role appearance plays in relationship satisfaction and how the importance of personality traits compares.
Physical Attraction
One thing is for sure. Unless you identify as asexual, feeling a physical or sexual attraction to your partner is vital. For most people, this is what separates lovers from friends. Of course, compatibility is important, but if the thought of sleeping with the person you’re dating repulses you, moving forward in the relationship likely isn’t a good idea.
If you and your partner are already in a committed relationship or have decided to tie the knot and you notice that what was once a strong physical attraction has faded, this is not an immediate reason to break up. There are many things you can do to reignite attraction. Visit our other blog article, “My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore: What Do I Do?” for suggestions.
Possible Gender Differences
Researchers have conducted multiple studies trying to determine whether or not couples made up of partners who are equally as attractive as the other experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction. In each of these studies, partners rated their levels of relationship satisfaction and were also rated by third parties, such as trained undergraduate students, in terms of how attractive they were.
In one study1, no data was found to suggest that partners who are equally attractive experience differences in relationship satisfaction from couples in which one partner is more attractive than the other. However, a different study found that while women’s relationship satisfaction was unaffected by the attractiveness of their partners, men experienced higher levels of satisfaction both immediately after and 4 years after marriage when married to attractive women2.
Biological Factors
It’s easy to scoff at the fact that relationship satisfaction may be impacted by the attractiveness of one’s partner, but if such findings are true, they may be more biological than superficial. Evolutionarily speaking, physical attractiveness was linked to survival. Stronger, physically fit men were better able to hunt and defend their families from predators. Women with hips wider than their waists were seen as more fertile. Brighter skin and clearer eyes were signs of nourishment. All of these factors were far more important before modern developments, but generations of evolutionary conditioning are not easily undone. Old neuropathways die hard.
When Looks Don’t Matter
Given the importance of physical attraction in romantic relationships, biological biases, and some research that looks and relationship satisfaction are intertwined, it’s difficult to ignore the reality that looks, to a certain extent, do play a role in love. That is not to say that they are the most, or anywhere near the most important factor.
Research indicates that when a person is perceived as physically attractive, he or she is also immediately presumed to have positive personality traits3. This stereotype is likely due to media depictions of physically attractive people being heroes or other kinds of loveable characters. Of course, with enough life experience, we can determine that one’s outward appearance is not always a reflection of their personality.
The most beautiful person in the world could be the cruelest. Somebody who may be the furthest thing from what society would deem attractive could have the most beautiful heart. Therefore, judging a person based on looks alone when determining whether or not to date them is risky and unwise.
What Really Matters?
One theory of personality summarizes personality characteristics into five categories, called the Big Five. These five categories include neuroticism (anxiety or emotional instability), conscientiousness (responsibility and persistence), agreeableness (empathy and ease of getting along with others), openness (willingness to experience new things or see new points of view), and extroversion (assertiveness and sociability).
Research indicates that if you want to have a satisfying relationship, choosing a partner who is highly agreeable, conscientious, extraverted, and emotionally stable is your best bet. These traits are most associated with enduring relationship and sexual satisfaction, while neuroticism is inversely correlated with happy relationships.
In regard to looks, it is ultimately important to find someone to whom you find physically attractive enough. Does this person have to be magazine cover material? No. Does everybody have to find them attractive? No. But as long as they have the values you’re looking for, the personality traits mentioned above, and are attractive enough for you to enjoy sexual and romantic connection with them, the two of you should be good to go.
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Hunt, L. L., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). Leveling the playing field: Longer acquaintance predicts reduced assortative mating on attractiveness. Psychological Science, 26(7), 1046-1053.
Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., Jackson, G. L., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Sex differences in the implications of partner physical attractiveness for the trajectory of marital satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 106(3), 418.
Ćurković K., Franc R. (2010). Physical attractiveness stereotype 'Beautiful is Good' in the context of the Big Five personality theory. Psihologijske Teme, 19(1), 123–144.
Why Is It So Easy To Fall for Someone You Can't Be With?
“You always want what you can’t have.”
It’s a saying as old as time- one that most people can, in one way or another, relate to, especially when it comes to romance. Whether it shows up in the form of a crush on your boss, pining after someone who’s already married, or falling for a local while vacationing in a foreign country, there’s something about loving a person you know you can’t be with that feels more intoxicating than other, more realistic relationships.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“You always want what you can’t have.”
It’s a saying as old as time- one that most people can, in one way or another, relate to, especially when it comes to romance. Whether it shows up in the form of a crush on your boss, pining after someone who’s already married, or falling for a local while vacationing in a foreign country, there’s something about loving a person you know you can’t be with that feels more intoxicating than other, more realistic relationships.
But Why?
Late sexologist, Jack Morin, author of the book The Erotic Mind, wrote about something he called The Erotic Equation:
Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement
When you’re attracted to someone but for whatever reason can’t be with them, you start to want them even more. Your mind floods with fantasies of what it would be like if you could be together. The pain of not being able to live out these fantasies can be excruciating.
How It Hurts
Although the experience of wanting what you can’t have is pretty universal, it’s important to make sure you’re not obsessing about unattainable relationships for longer than necessary. Yes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings is crucial, but spending too much time dwelling on them can distract you from relationships that actually have the possibility of panning out. Also, focusing too much on impossible relationships could cause unnecessary feelings of hopelessness about your ability to ever find a fulfilling relationship.
How It Helps
Having feelings for someone you know you may never be with is painful, but you can take beneficial lessons away from the experience. Every relationship, crush, and even friendship offers valuable information about yourself and what you’re looking for in a future relationship. To turn your feelings of frustration and sadness into encouragement and fuel for growth, ask yourself these questions:
What Do I Like About This Person?
Regardless of the obstacle that’s amping up your excitement, the erotic equation starts with initial attraction. What is it that drew you to this person to begin with? Was it their looks? Something about their personality? Pinpoint these factors and mentally bookmark them. They are hints about the qualities you desire in a future partner.
Look on the Bright Side
Okay, I’m aware this sounds dangerously close to toxic positivity, but hear me out. I often work with singles who feel discouraged by both the amount of potential partners out there and their ability to find a person they really “click” with. The fact that you found someone you feel this way about, even if you can’t be with them specifically, is evidence that there are people in the world you’re attracted to and can see yourself with. Getting over a crush that you know won’t go anywhere is brutal, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you. In time, you can find someone else you feel strongly about, and maybe things will work with them.
A Lesson in Grief
Whether we like it or not, life is full of difficult situations, many of which include loss of people and things we have, as well as loss of ideas, or people and things we wish we had. Either way, when we encounter a loss, we experience grief.
Unrequited or impossible love offers you a window into your own grief process. As you walk through the experience, notice your feelings. Where are they in your body? How do they change on a day to day or even moment to moment basis? How long will it take you to heal from this heartbreak? What can you learn about yourself as you go through it?
Mindfully witnessing your grief can prepare you to deal with the emotion again in the future. Practice the balance of allowing yourself to experience pain and self-regulating using self-compassionate and encouraging self-talk. Next time you encounter grief, whether by losing a loved one or finding out someone else got the promotion you wanted, you will be better equipped to deal with it.
Accepting Reality
If you think the person you’ve fallen for lacks the qualities you need in a partner, you may try to rationalize trying to be with them anyways. Be careful to check your hopefulness with your value system. Perhaps you would be willing to take the risk of dating someone long distance. Would you also be willing to compromise your resolution to only date people of the same faith background? Would you see someone on the side who was already in a committed relationship?
These situations are different for everybody. When in doubt, rely on your values, as they are likely far less fickle than your emotions. If you know deep down that entering a relationship with someone despite the obstacles would violate your values, begin allowing yourself to grieve the fact that this particular relationship will most likely not work out. Yes, it’s hard and may even border on emotional torture! Remember, however, that each time you let go of the idea of a relationship that isn’t right for you, you’re one step closer to finding the one that is.
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People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret
What makes a relationship healthy? Is it respect? Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult. Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What makes a relationship healthy? Is it respect? Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult. Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.
No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion. Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship. It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical. Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.
How Will It Help My Relationship?
Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.
For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners. They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.
Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners. Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.
Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale. Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.
How To Practice Self-Compassion
Self-Kindness: One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation. For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.
Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation. You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.” Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.
Common Humanity: Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect. We all make mistakes and experience pain. When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers. Our struggles connect us. Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.
Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness. Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain. When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are. Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either. Just witness your experience. By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system. You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.
Go Forth and Love
Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself. Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break. Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.
Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete. These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do. To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.
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One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.
Criticism
The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism. No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like. Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way. For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed. Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.
To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character. A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”
Example: “I feel lonely when you come home from work late. I need you to be home by 7pm.”
Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own. For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.
One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own. Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct. Then, respond. This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.
Stonewalling
In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.
Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case. Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed. If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further. This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.
Contempt
Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors. Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority. Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner? Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”
If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate. Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings. If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.
At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship. This fear is not irrational! Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work. Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.
To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling. To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.
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How To Improve Your Body Image During Sex
Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex. How do you feel? How do you see yourself? Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room. How do you feel now? Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex. How do you feel? How do you see yourself? Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room. How do you feel now? Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.
About 41% of men and 60% of women report feeling dissatisfied with their bodies1. In a different study, over 70% of women reported avoiding certain activities due to poor body image2. Having sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable things you can do with your body. It makes sense that research on the relationship between body image and sex reveals poor body image is correlated with reduced sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and overall sexual satisfaction3.
Does poor body image have a negative effect on your sex life? If the answer is yes, read the tips below to learn how to improve your sex life by bettering your body image.
Don’t Expect Perfection
Don’t expect perfection in anything. Not your ability to pull off new sexual positions, not the appearance of your body, and not even your feelings about your body. Trying to achieve perfect body image, or 100% confidence, all the time is a recipe for disappointment. There will be days when you feel insecure, and that’s okay.
Aim for Body Acceptance Over Love
Depending on where you are in your body image journey, the idea of loving your body may feel impossible. That’s okay! Instead, you can learn to accept your body or feel neutral towards it. To achieve this, think about the function of your body rather than it’s appearance. Imagine you are an alien species looking at your human body for the first time. How cool is it that you have legs to take you places, breasts to produce milk and sustain human life, or parts of the body meant for pleasure only? Focusing on your body’s abilities with a sense of wonder can help you appreciate it, even if you wish some things looked different.
Think Critically About Media
The times you’ve seen sex presented in movies or pornography, what kinds of bodies have you seen? Body diversity is becoming more popular, but media is still saturated with depictions of thin, white women and white, muscular men having sex. Next time you see an unrealistic sex scene, imagine what your neighbors or friends look like having sex. Chances are, it probably looks a lot more like the sex you’re having.
Focus on the Positives
Advertising and media have us so conditioned to focus on the parts of our bodies we’re unsatisfied with. What parts of your body do you actually like? Pick just one thing. It could be your bum or your stomach, or it could be your fingernails or eyebrows! Intentionally notice the qualities you like about yourself at least as often as you think about the ones you don’t.
Be With Someone Who Loves Your Body
Internal validation is important, but it’s also okay (and sometimes, very helpful) to receive external validation as well. When dating, stick with the partners who compliment your appearance. If anyone criticizes your body or talks about their attraction to bodies that look nothing like yours, move on. There are too many people in the world who would consider themselves lucky to have sex with you. Don’t waste your time on those who are only going to bring you down and reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself.
Ask Your Partner for Reassurance
It could be very arousing to hear your partner tell you what they like about your body while you’re having sex. It could also be helpful to hear this outside the bedroom. There’s nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance sometimes. If you’re in need of a confidence boost, let your partner know. Tell them how great it would feel to hear how attractive you are. Then, bask in their compliments, trusting that your body is exactly what your partner is drawn to.
Improve Your Emotional Connection
Sex does not have to be only about connecting physically. Emotionally passionate sex has the ability to take you outside your body into almost a transcendent, spiritual realm. Focus on deepening your emotional intimacy with your partner, and watch as worries about your body slip away as you connect sexually.
Redirect Your Focus
If your mind is feeling cluttered with shameful thoughts or worries about your body during sex, try redirecting your focus to your five senses. Notice the physical sensations in your body. Notice the texture and smell of your partner’s skin. Notice the taste of their kiss. These distractions will not only help reduce focus on your body image, they will also make your sexual experience more sensual and enjoyable.
Body image does not have to be a barrier to a healthy sex life. While most of us struggle with insecurities to some degree, these strategies can help you feel better about your body and therefore more interested in and pleasured by sex. Share your experiences with body image and sex by following and commenting on our Instagram page at @elevatedlifecounseling.
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My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore: What Do I Do?
No matter how compatible two people are, the defining quality of romantic relationships is almost always attraction. Attraction is what initially draws two people together. It’s what sparks interest and creates sexual chemistry. Without it, two people who otherwise get along very well might as well be friends or roommates.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
No matter how compatible two people are, the defining quality of romantic relationships is almost always attraction. Attraction is what initially draws two people together. It’s what sparks interest and creates sexual chemistry. Without it, two people who otherwise get along very well might as well be friends or roommates.
Finding out that your partner is no longer attracted to you can feel painful and shocking, and may cause feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. Read on to learn what to do to rebuild attraction if your partner confesses they love you, but they’re just not feeling it.
Find Out How Your Partner Really Feels
An attraction to somebody, or lack thereof, can mean several different things. Most commonly, we think of physical attraction to one’s outward appearance when we hear the term, but you can also feel attracted to your partner’s personality, character traits, or behaviors.
Upon hearing or noticing signs that your partner is feeling less attracted to you, you might initially feel offended. Acknowledge these feelings, then have a conversation with your partner about what they really mean. Is there something physically different about you, or are they turned off by something you’ve recently started or stopped doing? Or is there something going on with them that has nothing to do with you at all? Get very clear on what, exactly, is putting the brakes on your partner’s attraction to you, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.
Check the Relationship
Sometimes, less attraction between partners is a reflection of something going on in the relationship. If your relationship has been distant or volatile, your partner’s loss of attraction could be a subconscious protective mechanism, serving to help them avoid feelings of rejection or sadness. If this feels like the case, try discussing and addressing underlying relationship problems and see if attraction naturally shows itself again.
Set Boundaries
This step is important if your partner feels dissatisfied with something that has physically changed about you, such as your weight, hair color, or style of dress. While it’s important to take care of your health, and you may be willing to switch up different elements of your style according to your partner’s preferences, it is never okay for them to belittle or shame you. Decide what you are willing and unwilling to change, and make sure your partner knows where you draw the line in terms of what you are willing to do to please them.
Compromise
After deciding on and voicing your boundaries to your partner, explore together where each of you can compromise in order to increase attraction. For example, if your partner is feeling less attracted due to a pandemic-related reduction in times you dress up to go out, perhaps the two of you can plan weekly date nights and both dress up for dinner together.
Do Your Own Thing
One common misconception many couples have is that spending more time together always increases connection. Actually, too much time together can do the complete opposite! Couples need a healthy amount of distance from each other in order for attraction to thrive.
If you and your partner have been spending more time together than usual since COVID restrictions started, try looking for opportunities to get out of the house. Consider working at a coffee shop or shared work space, go for more walks throughout the day, and plan activities with your friends that fit with your current COVID comfortability level.
Go Back To the Basics
Uncertainty and excitement at the beginning of a new relationship can be powerful accelerators for attraction. If you and your partner have been together for a while, a decrease in attraction might be due to too much comfortability or feeling stagnant in your relationship.
Revisit the things you used to do as a new couple, like going on dates, setting aside time to intentionally spend together, putting away your phone at meals, trying new sex positions, and asking each other thought-provoking questions. These early dating behaviors remind you of what you originally liked about each other and can reignite attraction.
Coping with the Hurt
Hearing from your partner that they are not as attracted to you as they used to be can trigger painful feelings and may even damage your self-esteem. Instead of pushing away these feelings, explore them and get curious about what they need. Perhaps it is to build more confidence in yourself, set boundaries with your partner if they are being overly-critical, or revisit old rejection wounds.
For more information on how to improve attraction in your relationship and cope with related emotions, schedule an appointment with an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist.
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Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?
Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating. The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship. For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating. The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship. For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”
Staying friends with an ex is controversial. Some swear it’s a terrible idea, and others have been successful at doing so. The answer to whether or not you should stay friends with your ex is not as straightforward as you might hope. Everybody’s situation is different. Ask yourself the questions below for help making this very individualized decision:
Are you safe?
If your ex was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, the answer to this question is an automatic “no.” Although it’s hard to say goodbye to an ex, even if the relationship was toxic, protecting your safety has to be a top priority. To cope with feelings of heartbreak or loneliness in a healthy way, spend more time with your friends, join a support group, pick up a new hobby, or start going to therapy. The sadness you feel now won’t last forever. Soon, you’ll thank yourself for moving on from something that wasn’t healthy.
How will your decision affect future relationships?
When deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex, play the mental tape forward to when you’re ready to begin a new relationship. Will having your ex in your life prolong your ability to feel ready to be with someone else? How might your next partner react if you tell them you’re hanging out with your ex? The answers to these questions will likely depend on the seriousness of you and your ex-partner’s relationship. Be honest with yourself as you answer them, and set yourself up for future success.
Is there still chemistry?
Chemistry in a friendship can make it...well...hard to stay just friends! Ask yourself how likely it is that you’ll be tempted to be romantic or sexual with your ex while trying to have a friendly hangout. Even if you know you can resist, is your friendship worth the agony of longing?
What are the benefits?
Sometimes, maintaining or rekindling a friendship with an ex can be healing. You may also genuinely like your ex and consider them a valuable addition to your social circle. Before deciding, weigh the costs and benefits of a friendship. If you’re struggling to identify any benefits, get curious about your real motives, and decide accordingly.
Although it can seem like everyone has their own opinion on whether or not friendship with an ex is a good- or even possible- idea, the truth is there is no one “right” decision. Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex requires considering many factors and using self-honesty and wisdom. Considering the history of your relationship, the current state of it, and your potential future relationships can help you put the decision in context and make the choice most likely to serve you in the long run.
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Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner. And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.
Maximizers vs. Satisficers
Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible. They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.
Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much. They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.
In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.
Who’s Better Off?
Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person. Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run. Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.
Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers. Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income. Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there. They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed. Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.
How To Be More of a Satisficer
In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort. The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.
List out your needs and wants
In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved. Wants are like the icing on the cake. While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary. Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.
Limit your choices
Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips. Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.
Commit
After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person. As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better. Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.
Communicate
When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing. Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it. Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.
At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect. Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed. While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.
Questions To Ask When You Just Found Out You’ve Been Cheated On
If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have? Would you want to know how many times? What about what the other person looked like? Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have? Would you want to know how many times? What about what the other person looked like? Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?
All of these questions are normal. If you’ve been betrayed, trying to understand the experience better is part of coping with the pain. Yet according to Esther Perel, a researcher who has studied infidelity for over a decade, not all questions are helpful. What kind of questions, then, should you be asking if you’ve recently learned of your partner’s infidelity and are in the process of deciding what to do next?
Detective vs. Investigative Questions
Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories. “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours.
Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity. One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar. While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.
Other Reasons for Affairs
Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with. Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss.
While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave. If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.
Ask These Questions
After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:
Were you thinking about us when you cheated?
Do you want to stay together?
If so, are you here for me or the family?
What is it about us that you value?
Did you hope I would somehow find out?
Did you think about the children?
What was it like when you came home?
What do you think we can learn from this affair together?
These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices. They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.
Fighting the Urge To Know Everything
Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers. Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control. Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients:
“Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer? Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”
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Hard to Love: Is an Avoidant Attachment Style Ruining Your Relationships?
If you’ve been dating for a while and have yet to find success, you may feel like your relationships keep ending for the same reasons over and over again. Maybe you keep feeling like nobody you date is “good enough,” or that things tend to go great until the relationship becomes more serious, and you suddenly lose interest. If this is the case for you, an avoidant attachment style may be to blame.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’ve been dating for a while and have yet to find success, you may feel like your relationships keep ending for the same reasons over and over again. Maybe you keep feeling like nobody you date is “good enough,” or that things tend to go great until the relationship becomes more serious, and you suddenly lose interest. If this is the case for you, an avoidant attachment style may be to blame.
How Attachment Styles Form
When you were a baby, your understanding of relationships started with the ones between you and your caregivers. Based upon their availability and ability to meet your needs, you formed beliefs about yourself and others that have played a role in every relationship you’ve had since. These subconscious beliefs and the way they impact your behavior in relationships are called your attachment system or attachment style.
An avoidant attachment style is often caused by caregivers who were unavailable or emotionally unresponsive most of the time, or by caregivers who were dangerous. A child’s response to such is often withdrawal and self-reliance.
How an Avoidant Attachment Style Impacts Relationships
Years later, an avoidant attachment style shows itself in romantic relationships in ways such as difficulty growing close to or bonding with partners, surface level relationships, extreme independence, difficulty expressing emotions or being vulnerable, and rigid boundaries. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may find fault with every person you date, have unrealistically high standards, or idealize a past romantic partner and compare each person you date afterwards to him or her, finding that they never measure up.
Because of your avoidant attachment style, others may characterize you as cold, nonchalant, or a “player.” What many people don’t realize about the avoidant attachment style, however, is that it’s goal is to keep you safe. According to an avoidant attachment system, if you never rely on anybody but yourself, others can’t hurt you or let you down.
The challenge with the avoidant attachment style is that all people are biologically hardwired for relationships. Even the most independent people eventually find themselves feeling lonely yet unable to build a secure bond with someone else. Thankfully, attachment styles are not set in stone. These steps can help you heal and build connections leading to a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment:
Step 1: Identify the Stories
Every time you have an experience, you subconsciously interpret its meaning based upon your past experiences. For example, if you grew up with a parent who paid little attention to your needs, you might tell yourself that expressing your needs to your partner isn’t worth it because they won’t be met anyways. If you were responsible for taking care of siblings at an early age because of absent parents, you might believe that it’s better not to get attached to anybody because ultimately, the only person you can count on is yourself.
Next time you date, or when you notice your partner’s attempts at physical or emotional intimacy, bring your awareness to the messages, or stories, you are unconsciously telling yourself. Because you’re likely not used to noticing these thoughts and feelings, you might not be able to identify them right away. Be patient and stay curious about your experience and see what you discover over time.
Step 2: Challenge the Stories
Once you’re aware of the unhelpful stories you tell yourself, you can begin to challenge them. If you catch yourself thinking, “This is weird,” when your partner shares something vulnerable, reframe the thought by saying something to yourself like, “Vulnerability is healthy.” If you realize you’re starting to pick apart a partner you were once crazy about in an effort to distance them as the relationship gets more serious, try reminding yourself that nobody is perfect, but relationships between two imperfect people can be healthy, supportive, and enjoyable.
Step 3: Sit with Uncomfortable Feelings
Noticing your internal stories and challenging them is not comfortable. Neither is opening up to another person when you’ve learned to be entirely self-sufficient. If your goal is to be in a relationship, practice sitting with the discomfort that comes up as you face these obstacles. Breathe as you notice these feelings and resist the urge to act on them by pulling away from your partner. With time you’ll find that your discomfort becomes weaker and weaker, until it finally subsides entirely.
Step 4: Share Uncomfortable Feelings
As you do this work, share your experiences with your partner. Tell them what you are feeling, where you believe the feeling comes from, how important it is for you to work through it, and what they can do to help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to feel supported by your partner, and it’s a valuable exercise in intimacy.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, reading these steps may have brought up feelings of discomfort for you already. Now is the time to practice uncovering the roots of these feelings, challenging your limiting beliefs, and sitting with the discomfort. As you get more and more familiar with your experiences, you can begin to share them with trusted friends, family, and of course, the person you ultimately want to be in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with.
If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, how it formed, and what you can do to change it, reach out to an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist by clicking the “Contact Us” tab above.
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How To Be an Antiracist White Partner in an Interracial Relationship
Between 1967 and 2015, interracial marriage has increased by almost 600%. This statistic reflects more acceptance of interracial relationships now than in prior decades, but as evidenced by countless instances of systemic racism and police brutality, coming to a head with the murder of George Floyd in May of 2020, the issue of racism in America is far from gone.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Between 1967 and 2015, interracial marriage has increased by almost 600%. This statistic reflects more acceptance of interracial relationships now than in prior decades, but as evidenced by countless instances of systemic racism and police brutality, coming to a head with the murder of George Floyd in May of 2020, the issue of racism in America is far from gone.
More recently, Rachel Kirkconnell, winner of Season 25 of The Bachelor, which is known for being the first season to feature a Black Bachelor, was exposed for attending and taking pictures at an antebellum plantation-themed party during college, ultimately leading to the end of her relationship with James.
Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you recognize the importance of supporting your partner. For white people in interracial relationships, the responsibility of supporting a partner of color include not only basic validation and encouragement, but also self-exploration, participation in difficult conversations, education, and advocacy. Read on to learn how to do the work.
Know and Explore your Biases
Whether you realize it or not, you carry conscious and/or unconscious beliefs about race. Part of being a white ally and partner means digging up your embedded beliefs about people of color from various backgrounds. Ask yourself what kind of messaging you received about Black, Latinx, Indigenous, Middle-Eastern, and South Asian people growing up. How did these messages differ from the ones you received about white people, and how do they impact you and your relationship with your partner and their family today?
Listen and Learn, Even When It’s Uncomfortable
Once you’ve identified your inherent biases, the next step is to challenge them. This means consuming antiracist books, documentaries, podcasts, and webinars, as well as submerging yourself in diverse communities, and having conversations with your partner about what it is like for them to be a person of color in America.
Challenging racial ignorance, biases, and insensitivity can feel uncomfortable, but it is necessary. Take in new information with an open mind, and invite curiosity about what you can learn from your partner’s experiences that you didn't know before. Ask your partner how you can support them in difficult situations instead of assuming you know what they need.
Advocate
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Education without social action is a one-sided value because it has no true power potential.” Knowing about racial inequality and its impact on your partner may be validating for them, but unless antiracist white allies take action, little will ever be solved.
Utilize your abilities by attending protests, donating to organizations, standing up to others who make racist comments, and spreading your knowledge to other white people in your circle. Ask your partner what it would be like for the two of you to engage in activism together. Understand that they might find this empowering or bonding, or they might feel exhausted by the idea after already having to explain racism and face racial bias day after day. Validate your partner and continue to advocate for racial justice and equality either way.
Acknowledging your whiteness and its privileges can be uncomfortable both in and out of a relationship. In order to be an antiracist partner and member of society, taking steps to understand privilege and bias, educate yourself on race, and communicate with your partner and others about the topic is necessary. For more information about how to have difficult yet effective conversations with your partner, please see the “Contact Us” tab above.
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