The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine you’re in the market for a new car.  There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have:  four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.

You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do?  Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget?  Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?

It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner.  And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible.  They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.

Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much.  They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.

In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.

Who’s Better Off?

Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person.  Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run.  Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.

Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers.  Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income.  Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there.  They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed.  Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.

How To Be More of a Satisficer

In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort.  The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.

List out your needs and wants

In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved.  Wants are like the icing on the cake.  While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary.  Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.

Limit your choices

Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips.  Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.

Commit

After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person.  As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better.  Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.

Communicate

When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing.  Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it.  Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.

At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect.  Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed.  While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.

Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.

Finding Happiness Now

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Rumor has it, quarantine might soon be coming to an end.  States like Florida recently started welcoming customers back into bars and restaurants, allowing what some may consider a much-needed dose of normalcy.  Here in Illinois, we have yet to hear of a specific reopening date.  The end of solitude seems so close, and at the same time, so far.

Anticipation, whether about the end of quarantine, a new job, a new apartment, or a vacation, pulls us into the future, where we plan for and fantasize about glorious things to come.  This kind of daydreaming can feel like an escape, especially when the present isn’t exactly ideal.  It provides relief from the monotony of another day spent at home and offers delicious, even if only imagined, happiness.  Or does it?

While you might think that picturing upcoming days of freedom is the only way to make it through the rest of lockdown with your sanity still intact, research shows that this kind of mental time travel actually decreases happiness overall.  After conducting a study on thousands of people using a happiness-measuring smartphone app, Harvard psychologist, Matt Killingsworth, found that happiness is only slightly connected to life circumstances and events.  However, subjects who reported being mentally engaged in whatever tasks they were doing right before rating their moods showed much higher rates of happiness than those who were “mind wandering” instants before checking in.

In other words, while mentally drifting to better days ahead might seem like the cure for quarantine blues, doing so might actually be decreasing your mood.  In the same study, Killingsworth assessed the impact of mental wandering during unpleasant situations, such as while commuting.  Again, participants who zoned out while commuting reported lower happiness levels than those who remained focused on their drives, even if the former were thinking about something pleasant.

This information, while perhaps surprising, is hardly new.  The ancient Eastern practice of mindfulness, the awareness of one’s present physical, mental, and emotional state, has boomed in popularity in the United States since the late 70s, promising peace and fulfillment to its practitioners.  The idea is that when we trade in the present moment for visions of the future or past, we lose contact with the only reality we actually have, therefore robbing ourselves of the ability to enjoy it.

It’s important to remember that just because staying present in the moment leads to greater happiness than mind-wandering does, presence does not guarantee total happiness all the time.  Life inherently brings about a wide range of emotions, some of which are more comfortable than others.  Mental escapism serves as a distraction but renders us unable to respond to our current emotional needs, much less experience the good that almost always comes with the bad.

Next time you find yourself drifting through your thoughts, try asking yourself one of my all-time favorite questions (if you’ve been in therapy with me, you understand):  How helpful is this?  Are your thoughts helping you prepare for something or inspiring creativity?  Or are they leaving you feeling scrambled and disconnected?  If the answer to my question above is, “Not very,” gently bring yourself back to the moment and experience the mood-altering effects.  The present is a gift.  Let yourself have it.