The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction
Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner. And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.
Maximizers vs. Satisficers
Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible. They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.
Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much. They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.
In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.
Who’s Better Off?
Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person. Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run. Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.
Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers. Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income. Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there. They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed. Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.
How To Be More of a Satisficer
In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort. The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.
List out your needs and wants
In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved. Wants are like the icing on the cake. While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary. Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.
Limit your choices
Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips. Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.
Commit
After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person. As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better. Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.
Communicate
When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing. Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it. Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.
At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect. Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed. While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.
3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters
Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks. Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships. Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris. If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks. Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships. Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris. If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.
If only love were this easy. It could be, if it weren’t for one secret ingredient shaking up the mix.
Chemistry.
Chemistry is the energetic attraction between two people that no words, reason, or personality assessment can explain. Chemistry is your brain on drugs. Substance of choice: The Other Person. When there is chemistry in a relationship, dopamine receptors are activated, causing a rush of strong emotions. Lovers experience a euphoria that is often described as intoxicating and even addictive.
Chemistry can make or break your relationship. In healthy relationships, chemistry can improve intimacy. It also acts as a buffer, making the other person’s imperfections seem less unattractive. If unchecked, chemistry can be blinding, potentially causing some to rush through the important trust-building stages of relationships and jump into high-stakes commitments, such as moving in together. Chemistry can even cause some to overlook or downplay serious red flags, like controlling behavior.
Chemistry feels great. And yet, we know that the best decisions are rarely made out of 100% emotion. Understanding that there is chemistry in your relationship can help you put your feelings into perspective and inject them with a healthy dose of logic before making any major choices.
To find out if there is chemistry between you and your partner, look for the following signs:
You Think About Them...A Lot
When there’s chemistry in a relationship, thoughts about the other person can be difficult to turn off. You may get distracted at work or have trouble sleeping as fantasies of your partner constantly lure you in. Other people may notice that you talk about your relationship often. It just feels so good!
If thoughts about your partner are interfering with your ability to focus, try setting aside time during the day specifically for journaling about your relationship. What are your hopes and dreams? What do you like most about your partner? What are some signs that the relationship is going well? Getting your feelings out on paper will help clear some mental space for other important thoughts
You Desire Physical Intimacy
Ok, yes. Since I know you all are wondering, I am talking about sex. Chemistry can create intense feelings of sexual attraction, but that’s not all.
Chemistry is magnetic. It pulls couples together through the desire to be close to one another. If there is chemistry in your relationship, you and your partner may want to sit together closely on the couch, hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, lean in closely when you talk, and spend more time together than you do with other friends or family members.
Chemistry has a way of blurring boundary lines, so it is important to be as clear and explicit with them as possible. Write down your limits when it comes to spending time with your partner versus with your friends. List any physical boundaries that you have. Then, communicate these expectations with your partner. Remember, setting expectations doesn’t have to be weird. You don’t necessarily need to have a formal, sit-down talk. Holding your boundary might look like saying, “I have plans that day,” (even if your plans are with yourself) or “I don’t want to do that right now.”
Logic Fades
People in the early stages of relationships with high levels of chemistry often describe their behavior as completely outside of what’s normal for them. They stay up all night texting. They call off work to go on impromptu vacations. They spend money on extravagant gifts. Reason has left the chat, people. It’s important that you know that.
It’s important because chemistry is like hot sauce. Add it to the mix, and it spices things up. Too much of it on its own, and it burns. Chemistry has to be mixed with an equal amount of logic, or you risk ending up feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t align with your vision for yourself. Whether you are already in a committed relationship or just taking your first steps into the arena of dating, spend some time alone writing down your goals for the following categories: romantic relationships, career, finances, physical health, mental health, spirituality, friendships, family, leisure/hobbies. The more you know yourself, the better you can identify what you want in a long-term partner.
Having a relationship built upon mutual trust, values, beliefs, goals, and chemistry is well within your reach! Chemistry can pique your interest in potential partners, and when harnessed, it can promote passionate and healthy relationships. To learn more about balancing logic and chemistry to find satisfying relationships, go to https://www.elevatedlifecounseling.com/services or visit @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.
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3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it. Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.
Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody. For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.
Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay. The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not. Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.
Ignore Anxious Thoughts
Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are. Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats. Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.
Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant. You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.
Replace Anxious Thoughts
Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up. First, practice noticing your thoughts more often. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true. For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”
Play Out the Worst Case Scenario
Anxiety loves the “What If” game. “What if I spill my drink?” “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.
Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s. What if you are bored on the date? Will you stay an hour? A half-hour? How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home? When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions. Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.
With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable. Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.
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Making Dating Apps Work For You
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table. When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown. Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019. This year, it’s even hotter.
Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press. Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages. This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front. Like a gamble, it could go either way.
Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date. You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again. When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time. When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.
Choose the Right App
If you want love, you have to look in the right places. A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs. Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink. Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.
Take Advantage of Settings
Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches. Want someone who goes to church? Done. You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more. Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.
Attract What You Want
If you are passionate about something, talk about it. Post pictures that represent who you really are. People with similar interests will notice.
Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online. All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste. If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment. Stay committed. A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.