How To Improve Your Body Image During Sex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex.  How do you feel?  How do you see yourself?  Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room.  How do you feel now?  Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.

About 41% of men and 60% of women report feeling dissatisfied with their bodies1.  In a different study, over 70% of women reported avoiding certain activities due to poor body image2.  Having sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable things you can do with your body.  It makes sense that research on the relationship between body image and sex reveals poor body image is correlated with reduced sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and overall sexual satisfaction3.

Does poor body image have a negative effect on your sex life?  If the answer is yes, read the tips below to learn how to improve your sex life by bettering your body image.

Don’t Expect Perfection

Don’t expect perfection in anything.  Not your ability to pull off new sexual positions, not the appearance of your body, and not even your feelings about your body.  Trying to achieve perfect body image, or 100% confidence, all the time is a recipe for disappointment.  There will be days when you feel insecure, and that’s okay.

Aim for Body Acceptance Over Love

Depending on where you are in your body image journey, the idea of loving your body may feel impossible.  That’s okay!  Instead, you can learn to accept your body or feel neutral towards it.  To achieve this, think about the function of your body rather than it’s appearance.  Imagine you are an alien species looking at your human body for the first time.  How cool is it that you have legs to take you places, breasts to produce milk and sustain human life, or parts of the body meant for pleasure only?  Focusing on your body’s abilities with a sense of wonder can help you appreciate it, even if you wish some things looked different.

Think Critically About Media

The times you’ve seen sex presented in movies or pornography, what kinds of bodies have you seen?  Body diversity is becoming more popular, but media is still saturated with depictions of thin, white women and white, muscular men having sex.  Next time you see an unrealistic sex scene, imagine what your neighbors or friends look like having sex.  Chances are, it probably looks a lot more like the sex you’re having.

Focus on the Positives

Advertising and media have us so conditioned to focus on the parts of our bodies we’re unsatisfied with.  What parts of your body do you actually like?  Pick just one thing.  It could be your bum or your stomach, or it could be your fingernails or eyebrows!  Intentionally notice the qualities you like about yourself at least as often as you think about the ones you don’t.

Be With Someone Who Loves Your Body

Internal validation is important, but it’s also okay (and sometimes, very helpful) to receive external validation as well.  When dating, stick with the partners who compliment your appearance.  If anyone criticizes your body or talks about their attraction to bodies that look nothing like yours, move on.  There are too many people in the world who would consider themselves lucky to have sex with you.  Don’t waste your time on those who are only going to bring you down and reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself.

Ask Your Partner for Reassurance

It could be very arousing to hear your partner tell you what they like about your body while you’re having sex.  It could also be helpful to hear this outside the bedroom.  There’s nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance sometimes.  If you’re in need of a confidence boost, let your partner know.  Tell them how great it would feel to hear how attractive you are.  Then, bask in their compliments, trusting that your body is exactly what your partner is drawn to.

Improve Your Emotional Connection

Sex does not have to be only about connecting physically.  Emotionally passionate sex has the ability to take you outside your body into almost a transcendent, spiritual realm.  Focus on deepening your emotional intimacy with your partner, and watch as worries about your body slip away as you connect sexually.

Redirect Your Focus

If your mind is feeling cluttered with shameful thoughts or worries about your body during sex, try redirecting your focus to your five senses.  Notice the physical sensations in your body.  Notice the texture and smell of your partner’s skin.  Notice the taste of their kiss.  These distractions will not only help reduce focus on your body image, they will also make your sexual experience more sensual and enjoyable.

Body image does not have to be a barrier to a healthy sex life.  While most of us struggle with insecurities to some degree, these strategies can help you feel better about your body and therefore more interested in and pleasured by sex.  Share your experiences with body image and sex by following and commenting on our Instagram page at @elevatedlifecounseling.

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Set Your Sex Life On Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

This Foolproof Strategy Can Help You Achieve Your 2021 Relationship Goals

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you thought about your goals for 2021?  After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless.  Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.

If you’re single, you may be taking advantage of the current slump in the dating scene by dedicating more time to work.  Or maybe you’re on the apps, looking for another brave soul who’s willing to bundle up for an outdoor coffee date.  Whether your ultimate 2021 goal is to end up in a relationship or make a power move in your single life, there’s one strategy that is sure to work better than the rest.

Grab a notebook and pencil and keep reading to learn how to work towards your 2021 goals everyday, no matter what the year may hold.

The “Average Perfect Day” Method

Accomplishing a goal does not happen overnight.  Achievement is something you have to work for little by little every day.  Your habits might seem insignificant on their own, but over days, weeks, and months, they add up to dictate the direction of your life.  Building habits that help you reach your goals starts with imagining what one “perfect” day in the journey would look like, then acting out elements of that day on a regular basis.

Step 1: Identify Your Dream

At this first stage, you don’t need to worry about being realistic.  If you could have anything you wanted by the end of 2021, what would it be?  An exclusive relationship?  Six-figures?  The sky’s the limit.  Bonus points if you base your dream off your values or sense of purpose.

Step 2:  Choose A Realistic End Goal

In order to feel motivated to work towards a goal, you need to know that it’s reachable.  To decide on a realistic end goal, take into account the unpredictability of 2021 and ask yourself what you’re certain you can accomplish by the end of the year.  Then, push it one step further.  Research shows you’re more likely to feel motivated to work towards a goal you’re just shy of 100% sure you can achieve it.

Step 3:  Plan Your Perfect Day

Visualize what it would look like for you to live one day in perfect alignment with your goal.  Try asking yourself:

• What time would I wake up?

• What would I do in the morning?

• What would I wear?

• What would I listen to or watch?

• How would my space look?

• What kinds of activities would I engage in?

• Who would I talk to?

• What would I eat?

• How much movement would I get?

• What kind of thoughts would I have?

• What would I do before bed?

• What time would I go to sleep?

If your goal is to go on dates in hopes of beginning a relationship, you might include plenty of social activities to improve your chances of meeting a partner.  If your goal is to go on a solo trip, your ideal day might include working on a side hustle to save extra money.  The great thing about planning an average perfect day is that no matter what you hope to accomplish, there are simple things you can do each day to help increase your chances of success.

Step 4:  Anticipate Change

Even without a pandemic, life is unpredictable.  It’s important to leave room for change in your plans.  This year, consider how your average perfect day might look different in the face of COVID restrictions.  What are some substitute activities you can do if lockdowns or social gathering-limits take place?  Consider making several average perfect day plans to account for changing circumstances.

Step 5:  Live with Flexibility

After you’ve created your average perfect day plan, the final step is to live it out.  Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect day.  Very rarely will your days look exactly like the one you wrote out.  The key is to regularly include elements from your plan into your daily life.  That way, even if reaching your dream takes longer than you’d hoped, you can be sure that each day of 2021 was a step in the right direction.

Goal-setting before the beginning of a New Year can seem daunting.  To work towards achievement and make sure that every day counts along the way, consider several different versions of how your average perfect day might look.  Then be intentional about living out elements of ideal day everyday.

What are some of your dreams for 2021?  Tell me on Instagram at @teawithmc or schedule a free phone consultation for help planning a fulfilling and successful year.

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How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Quality time.  Physical touch.  Words of affirmation.  Gifts.  Acts of service.  Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak.  Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners.  Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship.  Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.

Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want?  Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work?  If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place.  I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired.  Keep reading to find out.

Give Examples

Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you.  I mean something you had no idea how to do.  You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions.  If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.).  Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.

Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen.  This is true, partly.  It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them.  However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away.  Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language.  For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.

Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement

Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them.  Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.”  Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language.  Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.

Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is.  Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it.  What are some specific ways your partner can show you love?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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