One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last.  Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce.  While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism.  No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like.  Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way.  For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed.  Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character.  A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Example:  “I feel lonely when you come home from work late.  I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own.  For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own.  Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.  Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct.  Then, respond.  This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out.  If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case.  Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed.  If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further.  This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors.  Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority.  Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner?  Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate.  Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings.  If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship.  This fear is not irrational!  Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work.  Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling.  To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

Related Articles:

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The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.