Exploring Grief and Sex
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
When we experience grief, we are dealing with some sort of loss and that emotional response to loss is grief. Grief is a completely normal process, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be affiliated with the death of someone - you can also experience grief over the loss of an idea, an opportunity, a relationship - or in this situation, the grief that comes with exploring sexuality.
People often feel a sense of loss when they realize that sex requires work.
This might sound silly, but there is a misconception that sex should be effortless. That it should be easy and organic. Or, if those things don’t come effortlessly, you just aren’t good at “it”. Many people assume that we should be good at sex, however, the reality is that if you want to be a good lover, you have to work for it!
Here are a few tips to help work through this of type grief:
IT’S OKAY TO BE AVERAGE
Grief is a physical, emotional and cognitive experience - just like sex! So, when the two come together, you can imagine that it can become complicated and tough to navigate.
Stop comparing yourself to media depictions and people in porn. You do not have to compete with mainstream celebrities or sex professionals, especially in the bedroom. Sure, it’s easy to compare yourself to those in the spotlight, but, let them do THEIR job! The truth is, you are not competing against reality, you’re competing against a character, who also has the benefit of a camera crew, hair/makeup, story, script and could very well be trained at their profession, with years of experience under their belt.
Being normal or average at sex is whatever feels fulfilling to you and your partner!
DO YOUR HOMEWORK
Think about this: how do you want to show up as a lover? What are you doing to support that vision? For example, if you want to be a giving lover, do you know what pleases your partner? Do you know what they like the most? How much time do you spend actually giving? How often are you talking about this stuff?
When you are able to recognize your own motives, you might feel less pressure and more control/confidence to create a sex life that fulfills you and your partner.
Research shows that couples who have better communication can also have better sex lives. Good communication doesn’t always lead to good sex, but exploring new things and asking questions can lead to improvements in and out of the bedroom.
Try making a list of everything that you want to try (and things that are off-limits) and ask your partner to do the same. Maybe you’ve both been fantasizing about similar things or you’ll uncover new activities to explore that fill up your love tank - that’s great! Make time to understand each point of view so you can get to know your partner’s love language (and even your own more deeply).
Some people might have trouble initiating sex, talking about fantasies, asking for their partner for more sex or how they can be a better lover. If that’s the case, seeing a sex therapist can be a great place to start! As trained professionals, they can help ask questions that can be useful for figuring out things that might be going wrong in bed - especially when it comes to your grief and sexuality. Just be patient and understand that things might take time.
THINK OF YOUR SEX LIFE ON A BELL CURVE
The majority of sexual encounters tend to be in the middle - meaning they're satisfying, but maybe not always mind blowing. There are going to be other encounters that are on the extremes, meaning sometimes sex will be incredible and sometimes it will bomb. This is all very normal. It's helpful to have a healthy outlook.
Many couples will experience ups and downs of their relationships - including their sex life. Things might start off hot and heavy, but dwindle over time due to many reasons - distractions pop up, your sex drive might be different than your partners and our bodies change as we get older. It’s up to you to keep good sex good. It’s up to you to improve or refresh things in the bedroom. Don’t look at this as a chore, but a sexual opportunity to improve the next phase of your sexual experience. You and your partner are worth the work!
And this goes for individuals that are single, too. A hookup might be great because you were both connected and fully present. On the other hand, a one-time sexual encounter might leave you feeling disappointed or let down if it was messy, embarrassing or only one of you reached orgasm. This is all normal, but remember that sexual expectations can evolve.
If your expectations are keeping you from connecting well with a partner, you probably won’t have as good of a time as you imagined. When you expect so much from sex and don’t meet these (sometimes) unrealistic standards, you could be left feeling inadequate and unsatisfied with both yourself and your partner.
Like all things in life, things might not go according to plan or end with a perfect finish every time. Try adopting a pleasure-based approach when it comes to your sex-pectations. Doing this can help eliminate fears that arise from believing that you must be a sex-pert and know everything about sexual intimacy.
We all deserve to have a healthy, safe and fun sex life. It’s okay if that doesn’t happen organically, don’t give up! Good sex takes work. You might have great chemistry with someone, but that doesn't mean that your sex will be great, too.
Just because you have an unpleasurable sexual experience, doesn’t mean that you’re bad in bed, either! You might have had the best sex of your life, but that also isn’t guaranteed each and every time. Don't worry, you didn't lose it!
When it comes to grief and sex, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach or solution, because everyone’s grief is unique and how we respond to it can differ from person to person. Be open, be understanding and put the work in!