People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What makes a relationship healthy?  Is it respect?  Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult.  Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.

No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion.  Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship.  It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical.  Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.

How Will It Help My Relationship?

Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.  

For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners.  They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.

Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners.  Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.

Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale.  Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness:  One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation.  For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.

Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation.  You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.”  Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.

Common Humanity:  Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect.  We all make mistakes and experience pain.  When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers.  Our struggles connect us.  Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.

Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness.  Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain.  When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are.  Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either.  Just witness your experience.  By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system.  You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.

Go Forth and Love

Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself.  Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break.  Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.

Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete.  These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do.  To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.

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5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will?  Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers?  In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations.  When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship.  When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.

While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s.  Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important.  When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not.  Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.

Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:

Effort

In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it.  Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally.  If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently.  Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to.  If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.

Time

Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between.  Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.

Affection

What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend?  Affection.  Affection can be verbal or physical.  Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know.  Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”

Treatment

This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner.  No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them.  Identify your limits.  What constitutes grounds for breaking up?  Is it cheating?  Name calling?  Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end?  Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept.  Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.

Communication

Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication.  Decide with your partner what good communication looks like.  If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship.  While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.”  On the surface, these seem like good answers.  But are they enough?

In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past.  Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t.  Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.

Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.

Here’s how to do it:

Identify Similar Values

Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time.  Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.

What life-driving values do you have in common?  Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling.  Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.

Write Your Mission Statement

Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together.  Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple.  Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house.  If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire.  When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?

What Do You Need To Change?

On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise.  Why?  Because you were wildly and passionately in love.  But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?

At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married.  If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.” 

Live Your Reason

Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day.  If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner.  Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole.  Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily.  This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.

It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit.  Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.

Relationships can be difficult.  When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed?  For some people, this is a new idea.  If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.

3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

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You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Trust is quite arguably one of the most important factors in any relationship.  Trust creates feelings of safety, which makes room for vulnerability and a general sense of being able to relax around the other person.  Trust is the antidote to relational anxiety.

Not only does trust mean believing that your partner is loyal, it also means knowing that they have positive intentions in your relationship and that they’re looking out for your best interest.  Trust exists on a continuum and can change, depending on circumstances and the phase of the relationship.  Like love, it has to be built over time.  But what if this isn’t happening for you?  What if you can’t shake that nagging feeling that something is wrong or that your partner is up to no good?  Well, it could mean a number of things.

1) Your partner is actually not trustworthy

If you’ve caught your partner in multiple lies, or if you’re learning they have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, your feelings of distrust might be right on point.  You might feel anxious around your partner because you’re never sure if they’re going to say something hurtful or if they’re actually going to keep a promise they’ve already broken several times.  In this case, look at the evidence.  What have your partner’s previous actions taught you about their probable future behavior, and is it worth sticking around to find out?

2) You’re insecurities are louder than your logic

Insecurity can be deceiving.  It can make you believe that even though your partner has called every time they said they would, introduced you to all their friends, and expressed how much they care about you, they still must be leading you on or secretly sleeping with their ex because no way could they ever truly want someone like you.  Beliefs like this are often subtle, and you might not even be aware you have them.  If you’re finding that you need constant validation or that you’re looking up all their exes on Instagram, ask yourself why.  It could be that you’re having a hard time accepting your partner’s feelings for you because you’re really struggling to accept yourself.

3) Your past

So often, we bring old baggage into new relationships, but it’s natural.  We can’t help it.  We are all made up of a collection of past experiences, so if you grew up learning that others can’t be trusted, or if you were hurt in a former relationship, of course you’re going to carry that around with you.  What’s important is that you recognize your sore spots and when they’re hurting.  Being aware of your triggers can help you recognize when old feelings are coming up, versus when something in your relationship is actually wrong.  Therapy can help you identify these situations, respond to them effectively, and even heal lingering wounds.

4) Your friends

There’s an old episode of Sex and the City in which main character Carrie Bradshaw runs into a friend and his date in a Chinese restaurant while she is on her own date.  Carrie’s friend tells her that he brought his date there because he was ashamed to be out with her, and he didn’t think he’d see anybody he knew at that restaurant.  Instantly, Carrie begins to worry that her date took her there for the same reason.  We later find out that this isn’t the case at all.  Carrie’s date took her there because he loved the food.  Be wary anytime a friend, coworker, family member, or that romantic comedy you streamed on Netflix last week tells you that there is something wrong with your relationship.  Sure, take advice, but take it with a grain of salt.  Your relationship is unique, and the only people who really know what’s going on inside of it are you and your partner.

Determining whether or not you can trust another person is difficult and high-stakes territory.  Know yourself.  Know the difference between a gut feeling and a fear or insecurity, and when in doubt, balance out your emotions with a healthy dose of objectivity.  If you’re worried that your relationship is unhealthy or headed that way, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you determine where these feelings are coming from, whether or not to act on them, and how to do it.