Hard to Love: Is an Avoidant Attachment Style Ruining Your Relationships?
If you’ve been dating for a while and have yet to find success, you may feel like your relationships keep ending for the same reasons over and over again. Maybe you keep feeling like nobody you date is “good enough,” or that things tend to go great until the relationship becomes more serious, and you suddenly lose interest. If this is the case for you, an avoidant attachment style may be to blame.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’ve been dating for a while and have yet to find success, you may feel like your relationships keep ending for the same reasons over and over again. Maybe you keep feeling like nobody you date is “good enough,” or that things tend to go great until the relationship becomes more serious, and you suddenly lose interest. If this is the case for you, an avoidant attachment style may be to blame.
How Attachment Styles Form
When you were a baby, your understanding of relationships started with the ones between you and your caregivers. Based upon their availability and ability to meet your needs, you formed beliefs about yourself and others that have played a role in every relationship you’ve had since. These subconscious beliefs and the way they impact your behavior in relationships are called your attachment system or attachment style.
An avoidant attachment style is often caused by caregivers who were unavailable or emotionally unresponsive most of the time, or by caregivers who were dangerous. A child’s response to such is often withdrawal and self-reliance.
How an Avoidant Attachment Style Impacts Relationships
Years later, an avoidant attachment style shows itself in romantic relationships in ways such as difficulty growing close to or bonding with partners, surface level relationships, extreme independence, difficulty expressing emotions or being vulnerable, and rigid boundaries. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may find fault with every person you date, have unrealistically high standards, or idealize a past romantic partner and compare each person you date afterwards to him or her, finding that they never measure up.
Because of your avoidant attachment style, others may characterize you as cold, nonchalant, or a “player.” What many people don’t realize about the avoidant attachment style, however, is that it’s goal is to keep you safe. According to an avoidant attachment system, if you never rely on anybody but yourself, others can’t hurt you or let you down.
The challenge with the avoidant attachment style is that all people are biologically hardwired for relationships. Even the most independent people eventually find themselves feeling lonely yet unable to build a secure bond with someone else. Thankfully, attachment styles are not set in stone. These steps can help you heal and build connections leading to a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment:
Step 1: Identify the Stories
Every time you have an experience, you subconsciously interpret its meaning based upon your past experiences. For example, if you grew up with a parent who paid little attention to your needs, you might tell yourself that expressing your needs to your partner isn’t worth it because they won’t be met anyways. If you were responsible for taking care of siblings at an early age because of absent parents, you might believe that it’s better not to get attached to anybody because ultimately, the only person you can count on is yourself.
Next time you date, or when you notice your partner’s attempts at physical or emotional intimacy, bring your awareness to the messages, or stories, you are unconsciously telling yourself. Because you’re likely not used to noticing these thoughts and feelings, you might not be able to identify them right away. Be patient and stay curious about your experience and see what you discover over time.
Step 2: Challenge the Stories
Once you’re aware of the unhelpful stories you tell yourself, you can begin to challenge them. If you catch yourself thinking, “This is weird,” when your partner shares something vulnerable, reframe the thought by saying something to yourself like, “Vulnerability is healthy.” If you realize you’re starting to pick apart a partner you were once crazy about in an effort to distance them as the relationship gets more serious, try reminding yourself that nobody is perfect, but relationships between two imperfect people can be healthy, supportive, and enjoyable.
Step 3: Sit with Uncomfortable Feelings
Noticing your internal stories and challenging them is not comfortable. Neither is opening up to another person when you’ve learned to be entirely self-sufficient. If your goal is to be in a relationship, practice sitting with the discomfort that comes up as you face these obstacles. Breathe as you notice these feelings and resist the urge to act on them by pulling away from your partner. With time you’ll find that your discomfort becomes weaker and weaker, until it finally subsides entirely.
Step 4: Share Uncomfortable Feelings
As you do this work, share your experiences with your partner. Tell them what you are feeling, where you believe the feeling comes from, how important it is for you to work through it, and what they can do to help. Sharing your feelings will allow you to feel supported by your partner, and it’s a valuable exercise in intimacy.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, reading these steps may have brought up feelings of discomfort for you already. Now is the time to practice uncovering the roots of these feelings, challenging your limiting beliefs, and sitting with the discomfort. As you get more and more familiar with your experiences, you can begin to share them with trusted friends, family, and of course, the person you ultimately want to be in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with.
If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, how it formed, and what you can do to change it, reach out to an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist by clicking the “Contact Us” tab above.
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3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good
What if my partner stops loving me? Are we really compatible? Am I with the right person? Are they cheating on me?
These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themself at some point. Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy. But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What if my partner stops loving me? Are we really compatible? Am I with the right person? Are they cheating on me?
These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point. Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy. But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.
What is Relationship Anxiety?
Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship. If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:
you are dating the wrong person
you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner
your relationship is moving too fast or too slow
your partner is cheating on you
there is someone better for you out there
you are not good enough for your partner
you will emotionally hurt your partner
your partner will leave or abandon you
All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.
Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship. While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.
The Effects of Relationship Anxiety
Anxiety in any form can be distressing. In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.
Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves. You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.
Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include
withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship
pushing your partner away physically or emotionally
picking fights to see how your partner responds
trying to make your partner jealous
withdrawing or avoiding your partner
scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical
Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.
What Can You Do?
Mindfulness
You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”? It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold. Anxiety is a chain reaction. It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme. All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.
Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion. To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one. After noticing each thought, let it go. This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.
Communicate
Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line. Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice. Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.
Talk To a Therapist
When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts. Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to. A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.
If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible. For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.
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Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder
Going out to eat is supposed to be fun. It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook. For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing. If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Going out to eat is supposed to be fun. It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook. For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing. If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.
Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders. Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance. Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu. This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.
Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients. Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.
Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging. Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming. While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be. To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:
Plan Ahead*
If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time. Before doing this, take a few deep breaths. Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?” You may not know the answer to this question yet. Just do the best you can. Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.
You may also want to make an escape plan. In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air. Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.
Eat Mindfully
It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing. Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites. Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating. Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time. Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!
Consider All Foods Equal
Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out. When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out. No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full. It also knows how to balance out richness and density. For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime. Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.
Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders. Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery. To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it. Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.
Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary. First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring. The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody. For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.
Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay. The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not. Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.
Ignore Anxious Thoughts
Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are. Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats. Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.
Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant. You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.
Replace Anxious Thoughts
Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up. First, practice noticing your thoughts more often. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true. For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”
Play Out the Worst Case Scenario
Anxiety loves the “What If” game. “What if I spill my drink?” “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.
Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s. What if you are bored on the date? Will you stay an hour? A half-hour? How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home? When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions. Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.
With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable. Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.