The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction
Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Imagine you’re in the market for a new car. There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have: four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.
You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do? Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget? Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?
It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner. And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.
Maximizers vs. Satisficers
Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible. They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.
Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much. They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.
In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.
Who’s Better Off?
Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person. Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run. Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.
Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers. Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income. Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there. They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed. Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.
How To Be More of a Satisficer
In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort. The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.
List out your needs and wants
In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved. Wants are like the icing on the cake. While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary. Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.
Limit your choices
Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips. Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.
Commit
After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person. As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better. Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.
Communicate
When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing. Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it. Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.
At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect. Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed. While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.
Troubleshooting Your Goals: Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey
I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was. The human experience has always fascinated me. When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes. I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above. Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true. She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was. The human experience has always fascinated me. When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes. I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above. Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true. She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.
Sure enough, at the end of the next year, I filled out my course request form, turned it in immediately, and beamed when I received my schedule for the next year. There it was, Intro to Psychology, 2nd period. The rest is history.
Having to wait until my sophomore year of high school to take my first psychology class was only one of the roadblocks I faced while working towards my current career. In fact, when this all happened, I had no idea that I would end up where I am now. I admit, becoming a mental health counselor was a thought in the back of my mind, but at that point, there was still a long road ahead of me.
I ended up pursuing a Bachelor’s of Science in Special Education and spent my first two years out of college teaching high school World Studies. By the end of my first year, I was already thinking about going back to school, get a master’s degree, and becoming a therapist for young adults dealing with a lot of the same issues I was handling at the time. In order to accomplish this goal, I had to resign from my first career, select a master’s program that aligned with my goals, get rejected from my dream school, and hustle my way through 2016-2019 in the service industry while I worked on my degree.
Plenty of times, I stumbled, got lost, and had to reassess my roadmap along the way. Here are some troubleshooting questions I asked myself during the times I felt stuck:⠀⠀
1. Is what I’m currently doing leading me towards what I ultimately want out of life?
Before solidifying my decision to make the jump from teaching to counseling, I had to seriously think about this. I realized that I was working in a field that would never bring me the income, schedule flexibility, opportunity to use my entrepreneurial skills, or career autonomy that I knew I wanted. I had to ultimately decide that it was time to make a change, even though I knew it would mean struggling hard for 2.5 years.
2. How motivated am I?
Sometimes, not very. I applied to one university for undergrad, and I chose it because I didn’t have to write an essay (my 17 year-old self was not having it 😂.). At the age of 22, I still hated filling out applications, so I put it off for a while. In order to begin working towards my goal, I had to find the willingness to sit down, complete applications, collect letters of recommendation, figure out how to work a fax machine, and yes, write a few essays. The interesting thing about this is that I never wanted, per se, to do any of it. What I wanted was my dream career. By focusing on the bigger picture, I was able to harness the energy and drive to take the necessary steps forward, even though not all of them were particularly enjoyable.
3. Are my goals realistic?
I thought they were! Then, after getting rejected from a very prestigious grad program, I had to grieve my dream and adjust my expectations. I got good grades in undergrad, but I did no extracurriculars. Getting into a top-10 school was likely not going to be in the cards for me. Instead, I found an incredible program that also saved me at least $100,000. Turns out the original goal I had might have fed my ego and starved my bank account. Getting rejected and having to adjust my expectations for what my path would look like was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
4. Am I taking care of myself?
Sometimes, I wasn’t. Being in grad school and working in the service industry meant staying up very late, which I found was not working for me. I was losing motivation, resenting my school work, and just not enjoying the process. I found a service industry job with hours that allowed me to stay focused on school and self-care. Changing jobs was not ideal in the middle of an already-stressful semester, but if I hadn’t done so, I might have ended up burning out before even beginning my career.
5. What do I need to focus on now?
Like I said, I am obsessed with psychology. During grad school, I often felt frustrated because I didn’t have the time to go to mental health conferences around the country or spend hours everyday recreationally browsing the latest research on dating apps. Instead, I made a promise to myself that after graduation, I would spend time every week reading about the issues that were important to my clients. For the rest of my school career, I focused on each assignment, one at a time. I made a point to find the value in all of them, even if some didn’t seem directly related to the population I eventually wanted to work with. I did something I often encourage my clients to do when facing disillusionment about how far away from their ultimate goal they currently are: I embraced the “now.” As a result, I not only learned a lot of really great technical information that I likely would not have looked up on my own, I also enjoyed learning it a lot more than I would have if I kept lamenting about not being able to do more self-directed tasks.
The truth is the bigger your dreams are, the more walls you will likely hit along the way. These barriers are not reasons to quit! Breaking down, going around, and jumping over the obstacles that come up along your path to success helps you build resilience and grit. The more you overcome, the more confident you become in your ability to succeed despite whatever challenges life may throw at you next.