How To Improve Your Body Image During Sex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex.  How do you feel?  How do you see yourself?  Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room.  How do you feel now?  Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.

About 41% of men and 60% of women report feeling dissatisfied with their bodies1.  In a different study, over 70% of women reported avoiding certain activities due to poor body image2.  Having sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable things you can do with your body.  It makes sense that research on the relationship between body image and sex reveals poor body image is correlated with reduced sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and overall sexual satisfaction3.

Does poor body image have a negative effect on your sex life?  If the answer is yes, read the tips below to learn how to improve your sex life by bettering your body image.

Don’t Expect Perfection

Don’t expect perfection in anything.  Not your ability to pull off new sexual positions, not the appearance of your body, and not even your feelings about your body.  Trying to achieve perfect body image, or 100% confidence, all the time is a recipe for disappointment.  There will be days when you feel insecure, and that’s okay.

Aim for Body Acceptance Over Love

Depending on where you are in your body image journey, the idea of loving your body may feel impossible.  That’s okay!  Instead, you can learn to accept your body or feel neutral towards it.  To achieve this, think about the function of your body rather than it’s appearance.  Imagine you are an alien species looking at your human body for the first time.  How cool is it that you have legs to take you places, breasts to produce milk and sustain human life, or parts of the body meant for pleasure only?  Focusing on your body’s abilities with a sense of wonder can help you appreciate it, even if you wish some things looked different.

Think Critically About Media

The times you’ve seen sex presented in movies or pornography, what kinds of bodies have you seen?  Body diversity is becoming more popular, but media is still saturated with depictions of thin, white women and white, muscular men having sex.  Next time you see an unrealistic sex scene, imagine what your neighbors or friends look like having sex.  Chances are, it probably looks a lot more like the sex you’re having.

Focus on the Positives

Advertising and media have us so conditioned to focus on the parts of our bodies we’re unsatisfied with.  What parts of your body do you actually like?  Pick just one thing.  It could be your bum or your stomach, or it could be your fingernails or eyebrows!  Intentionally notice the qualities you like about yourself at least as often as you think about the ones you don’t.

Be With Someone Who Loves Your Body

Internal validation is important, but it’s also okay (and sometimes, very helpful) to receive external validation as well.  When dating, stick with the partners who compliment your appearance.  If anyone criticizes your body or talks about their attraction to bodies that look nothing like yours, move on.  There are too many people in the world who would consider themselves lucky to have sex with you.  Don’t waste your time on those who are only going to bring you down and reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself.

Ask Your Partner for Reassurance

It could be very arousing to hear your partner tell you what they like about your body while you’re having sex.  It could also be helpful to hear this outside the bedroom.  There’s nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance sometimes.  If you’re in need of a confidence boost, let your partner know.  Tell them how great it would feel to hear how attractive you are.  Then, bask in their compliments, trusting that your body is exactly what your partner is drawn to.

Improve Your Emotional Connection

Sex does not have to be only about connecting physically.  Emotionally passionate sex has the ability to take you outside your body into almost a transcendent, spiritual realm.  Focus on deepening your emotional intimacy with your partner, and watch as worries about your body slip away as you connect sexually.

Redirect Your Focus

If your mind is feeling cluttered with shameful thoughts or worries about your body during sex, try redirecting your focus to your five senses.  Notice the physical sensations in your body.  Notice the texture and smell of your partner’s skin.  Notice the taste of their kiss.  These distractions will not only help reduce focus on your body image, they will also make your sexual experience more sensual and enjoyable.

Body image does not have to be a barrier to a healthy sex life.  While most of us struggle with insecurities to some degree, these strategies can help you feel better about your body and therefore more interested in and pleasured by sex.  Share your experiences with body image and sex by following and commenting on our Instagram page at @elevatedlifecounseling.

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5 Reasons To Throw Away Your Scale Today

Summer Body Image

Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need To Know About Sexual Shame and How To Heal

Set Your Sex Life On Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

5 Reasons To Throw Away Your Scale Today

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What would you say if a friend told you that every morning, you need to stop by their house before work, so they can look at you, assess whether or not you look fat, and tell you how you should feel about yourself for the rest of the day?

Crazy, right?  Who would agree to such a thing!?

Every morning, millions of Americans do almost exactly this.  They get out of bed and go directly to the bathroom scale, where a set of numbers will determine how confident, attractive, and successful they feel that day.

While diet culture may have convinced most of society that owning a bathroom scale is a part of staying healthy, weighing yourself may actually be unnecessary at best and prompt harmful, unhealthy behaviors at worst.

When working with clients who struggle with eating disorders or poor body image, getting rid of the bathroom scale is often one of the first steps I recommend.  Here are 5 reasons why:

It’s Not Accurate Anyways

Most people who weigh themselves believe that they are measuring changes in their body fat.  Really, the numbers appearing on the scale may be a reflection of water weight, muscle, or the weight of the food in your stomach.  A scale alone has no way to tell.

Weight Is Not the Only Indicator of Health

Even if the scale did measure the amount of fat on your body, it still would not be an accurate representation of your health.  The diet and fitness industries emphasize the importance of weight in overall health.  However, there are many other factors that contribute to your health, such as your stress level and whether or not you smoke.  Some research even indicates that individuals considered slightly overweight have lower health risks than their thinner counterparts.1,2

Genetics Play a Huge Role in Weight

According to diet culture, you are in control of your weight.  If you just tried a little harder at the gym or ate a little healthier, you could have the body of your dreams.  Body set point theory disagrees, stating that your body has a specific weight range it wants to stay within.  If you go above or below that range, your body will employ physical and psychological mechanisms, such as making you hungrier, in order to bring you back to the set point it’s comfortable with.

If you’re feeling frustrated with an unchanging number on the scale, it might actually be a sign that your body is right where it needs to be.  If that’s that case, why keep the scale?

Exercise Can Be Fun

Remember when you were a kid and you ran around and played sports just for fun?  Exercising can feel that way now!  When you mentally frame exercise as something you have to do, otherwise you’ll get fat (and ugly, lazy, and worthless according to diet culture), it loses its luster almost immediately.  Without the pressure of having to hit a certain number on the scale, exercise can go back to being something energizing, relaxing, and even entertaining.

There Are Other Ways To Feel Confident

Regardless of how much you weigh, you can feel confident.  I know- crazy- but very true.  To find confidence in yourself at any body size, focus on things you’re good at, features you like about yourself, and positive relationships you have.  You’ll likely find that when you take the focus off of your weight, confidence starts to show up more easily than you even thought possible.

In a society conditioned to put so much weight- no pun intended- in the number on a scale, deciding not to weigh yourself can feel scary, rebellious, or like a loss of control.  Keep in mind that as long as you’re eating nutritious foods, eating all things in moderation, and moving in a way that feels good, your body will find its healthy, happy place, no scale required.

Summer Body Image

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that feeling when you step outside and realize, finally, the weather is starting to get warmer?  The shift from winter into spring and summer feels hopeful in many ways.  Finally, activities like hiking, biking, going on long walks, and lounging by the pool will soon be possible again.  Warmer weather also means less clothing.  If body image is something you struggle with, this fact alone might be enough to turn that feeling of hopefulness into one of dread.

What Is Body Image?

Body image is a term meaning the way you see your body along with the feelings and judgments you have about it.  Body image includes the way you perceive your body shape, height, weight, skin tone, birthmarks, freckles, scars, hair, and everything else in between.  Your body image can be either positive, negative, or neutral, and it can change by the day.  For instance, some days, you may feel super sexy in your bikini, while others, curling up under a rock until winter returns may sound better than leaving the house in shorts.

How to Improve Body Image

When working with clients who struggle with body image, I have several go-to strategies.  Try these tips to improve your body image and get out of your head about what you look like in your clothes this summer:

Deconstruct the Ideal

The first thing I always do with clients who want to improve their body image is investigate when and where they first started developing their beliefs about what the ideal body looks like.  For many, it was parents who constantly dieted, media, or kids at school who picked on them for their appearance.  Identify pivotal moments in your past when you decided your body was not good enough.  Then, talk back to these beliefs from a place of self-compassion.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

During my internship while in school to become a therapist, I worked at an outpatient center that primarily specializes in the treatment of eating disorders.  My supervisor at the time gave me a piece of information to pass onto clients that I will always remember.  She said, “We are incapable of seeing what we really look like.”

Whether you are looking in the mirror or at a picture of yourself, the image you see is filtered through all of your judgments, previous experiences, beliefs about yourself, and your mood that day, therefore making it impossible to see yourself accurately.  This is the reason why we can look at a picture of ourselves and hate it, and then 2 years later look at the same picture and think we look great.

Next time you hear your brain pointing out everything that’s wrong with your body.  Stop it in its tracks and remind yourself that you likely do not look exactly the way you think you do.

Focus on the Positives

One symptom of negative body image is paying disproportionate attention to the parts of your body you don’t like while ignoring the parts you either like or feel neutral towards.  You may also lose sight of your positive qualities that have nothing to do with appearance whatsoever.  Make a list of all the things you like about yourself.  When you catch yourself hyperfocusing on body parts you’re dissatisfied with, intentionally redirect your attention to a positive quality instead.

Try for Body Neutrality

Sometimes, the idea of body love or body positivity feels impossible.  In these cases, it can actually feel more shameful to hold yourself to the standard of loving your body.  Instead, aim for body neutrality.  Try thinking about the functions of body parts you don’t like rather than the way they look.  For example, if you really don’t like your legs, practice appreciating them for getting you to places you need to go, disregarding their appearance altogether.

Address Underlying Issues

More often than not, negative body image is a reflection of other issues beneath the surface, such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, and lack of satisfaction in other areas of life.  When you notice body dissatisfaction show up, check in with how you’re feeling in your relational, work, physical health, and spiritual life.  Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your discoveries, and problem solve where necessary.  Chances are, body distress will alleviate in accordance with these issues.

Next Steps

Society is full of messaging about what it means to look “good” during the summer months.  If you’re experiencing heightened feelings of body dissatisfaction as the weather warms up, practice these strategies daily.  For more support, reach out to one of our therapists here at ELEVATED Life Counseling by clicking the “Contact Us” tab above.

Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.