The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine you’re in the market for a new car.  There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have:  four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.

You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do?  Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget?  Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?

It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner.  And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible.  They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.

Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much.  They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.

In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.

Who’s Better Off?

Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person.  Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run.  Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.

Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers.  Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income.  Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there.  They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed.  Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.

How To Be More of a Satisficer

In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort.  The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.

List out your needs and wants

In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved.  Wants are like the icing on the cake.  While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary.  Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.

Limit your choices

Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips.  Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.

Commit

After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person.  As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better.  Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.

Communicate

When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing.  Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it.  Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.

At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect.  Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed.  While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.

The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that old saying, “They always come back”?  Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere.  In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex.  And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.

Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes, they’re bored.  Sometimes, they’re lonely.  If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past.  Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.

Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:

Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect.  Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge.  If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.

Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt.  Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back.  Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting.  Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business.  Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.

Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody.  There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately.  In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.

Ask Yourself These Questions

What am I feeling?

The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions.  It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling.  Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them.  You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.

How are my emotions influencing my decision?

Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10.  Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response.  If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix.  If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences.  Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.

How will responding impact me emotionally?

Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back.  How about an hour after?  How about next week?  In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness.  In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.

Takeaways

Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting.  Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight.  Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point.  When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.

You Can Have It All: Expert Secrets to Balancing Love and Your Career

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams.  If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

Lady Gaga

✦

“I can live without money, but I can’t live without love.”

Judy Garland

If you are a career-driven person, you might be wondering if it’s possible to be successful at work while dating or maintaining a romantic relationship.  Society constantly sends messages that make it seem like you have to choose one or the other.  You can work, or you can be a mom.  You can be a devoted husband, or you can travel for business.  Our brains like this kind of “either-or” thinking because it makes information easy to categorize.  However, in a world full of shades of grey, dichotomies like these are rarely ever true.  You can, in all actuality, have both.

Devoting energy to a satisfying love life and a thriving career takes work.  When you aren’t taking intentional, proactive steps to maintain balance, one of the two can easily fall to the wayside.  To find and hold onto love without having to sacrifice your career, follow these four crucial steps.

Clarify Your Goals

Before making any decisions, it’s important to clarify what you really want.  Zeroing in on your goals will help you prioritize your time in a way that’s most likely to lead to fulfillment both relationally and career-wise.  If you have a goal to be in a serious relationship by 30, and at the age of 28 you’re working 80-hour weeks with no time to date, you might need to make some changes, such as hiring an assistant, delegating tasks, or making a lateral move to a company that prioritizes its employees’ work-life balance.  Knowing specifically what you want empowers you to think creatively about how you can remove roadblocks along the way.

Communicate Expectations

One major reason couples experience dissatisfaction in relationships is because they do not effectively communicate their expectations.  If you’re someone who likes to prioritize your career during the week and socialize only on the weekends, a person who wants to spend 3 full days per week together is probably not the right match for you, and you’re both better off knowing that right from the start.  The good news- there is likely someone out there who has preferences similar to yours.  When you communicate your expectations, you increase your chances of finding a person who meets them.

Set Boundaries

When you’re really passionate about something, like work or the person you’re dating, it’s easy to push the limits on how much time you’re willing to dedicate to it.  If you have the urge to spend extra time working or with your partner, that’s great!  It only becomes a problem if the time you’re spending on one area of your life compromises your goals in another.  Decide how much of your time you want to spend on work and how much you want to save for your romantic life.  Then, stick to your decision, knowing that doing so will help you achieve a fulfilling and balanced lifestyle.

Be Present

Whether you’re spending time with your significant other or at the office, eliminate as many distractions as possible.  Keep your phone out of sight on dates to prevent anxiety over work calls or emails.  When you’re working, turn off notifications for your social media accounts.  Staying present will help you be more productive at work or connected during a date.  Also, when you’re engaged in the present moment, you’re more likely to enjoy whatever it is you’re doing.

Contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to have a satisfying love life along with a successful career.  While this might not happen totally naturally, you can actively take steps to promote happiness with both aspects of your life.  Next time you find yourself thinking that you have to give up one passion in order to live out another, think again.  The question isn’t “Can I do this?”  The question is “How?”