One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last.  Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce.  While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism.  No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like.  Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way.  For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed.  Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character.  A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Example:  “I feel lonely when you come home from work late.  I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own.  For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own.  Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.  Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct.  Then, respond.  This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out.  If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case.  Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed.  If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further.  This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors.  Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority.  Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner?  Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate.  Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings.  If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship.  This fear is not irrational!  Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work.  Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling.  To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

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The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine you’re in the market for a new car.  There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have:  four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.

You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do?  Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget?  Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?

It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner.  And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible.  They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.

Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much.  They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.

In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.

Who’s Better Off?

Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person.  Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run.  Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.

Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers.  Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income.  Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there.  They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed.  Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.

How To Be More of a Satisficer

In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort.  The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.

List out your needs and wants

In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved.  Wants are like the icing on the cake.  While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary.  Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.

Limit your choices

Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips.  Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.

Commit

After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person.  As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better.  Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.

Communicate

When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing.  Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it.  Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.

At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect.  Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed.  While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.

Questions To Ask When You Just Found Out You’ve Been Cheated On

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have?  Would you want to know how many times?  What about what the other person looked like?  Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?

All of these questions are normal.  If you’ve been betrayed, trying to understand the experience better is part of coping with the pain.  Yet according to Esther Perel, a researcher who has studied infidelity for over a decade, not all questions are helpful.  What kind of questions, then, should you be asking if you’ve recently learned of your partner’s infidelity and are in the process of deciding what to do next?

Detective vs. Investigative Questions

Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories.  “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours.

Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity.  One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar.  While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.

Other Reasons for Affairs

Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with.  Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss.  

While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave.  If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.

Ask These Questions

After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:

• Were you thinking about us when you cheated?

• Do you want to stay together?

• If so, are you here for me or the family?

• What is it about us that you value?

• Did you hope I would somehow find out?

• Did you think about the children?

• What was it like when you came home?

• What do you think we can learn from this affair together?

These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices.  They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.

Fighting the Urge To Know Everything

Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers.  Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control.  Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients:

“Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer?  Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”

Related Articles:

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Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

How To Be an Antiracist White Partner in an Interracial Relationship

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Between 1967 and 2015, interracial marriage has increased by almost 600%.  This statistic reflects more acceptance of interracial relationships now than in prior decades, but as evidenced by countless instances of systemic racism and police brutality, coming to a head with the murder of George Floyd in May of 2020, the issue of racism in America is far from gone.

More recently, Rachel Kirkconnell, winner of Season 25 of The Bachelor, which is known for being the first season to feature a Black Bachelor, was exposed for attending and taking pictures at an antebellum plantation-themed party during college, ultimately leading to the end of her relationship with James.

Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you recognize the importance of supporting your partner.  For white people in interracial relationships, the responsibility of supporting a partner of color include not only basic validation and encouragement, but also self-exploration, participation in difficult conversations, education, and advocacy.  Read on to learn how to do the work.

Know and Explore your Biases

Whether you realize it or not, you carry conscious and/or unconscious beliefs about race.  Part of being a white ally and partner means digging up your embedded beliefs about people of color from various backgrounds.  Ask yourself what kind of messaging you received about Black, Latinx, Indigenous, Middle-Eastern, and South Asian people growing up.  How did these messages differ from the ones you received about white people, and how do they impact you and your relationship with your partner and their family today?  

Listen and Learn, Even When It’s Uncomfortable

Once you’ve identified your inherent biases, the next step is to challenge them.  This means consuming antiracist books, documentaries, podcasts, and webinars, as well as submerging yourself in diverse communities, and having conversations with your partner about what it is like for them to be a person of color in America.  

Challenging racial ignorance, biases, and insensitivity can feel uncomfortable, but it is necessary.  Take in new information with an open mind, and invite curiosity about what you can learn from your partner’s experiences that you didn't know before.  Ask your partner how you can support them in difficult situations instead of assuming you know what they need.

Advocate

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Education without social action is a one-sided value because it has no true power potential.”  Knowing about racial inequality and its impact on your partner may be validating for them, but unless antiracist white allies take action, little will ever be solved.  

Utilize your abilities by attending protests, donating to organizations, standing up to others who make racist comments, and spreading your knowledge to other white people in your circle.  Ask your partner what it would be like for the two of you to engage in activism together.  Understand that they might find this empowering or bonding, or they might feel exhausted by the idea after already having to explain racism and face racial bias day after day.  Validate your partner and continue to advocate for racial justice and equality either way.

Acknowledging your whiteness and its privileges can be uncomfortable both in and out of a relationship.  In order to be an antiracist partner and member of society, taking steps to understand privilege and bias, educate yourself on race, and communicate with your partner and others about the topic is necessary.  For more information about how to have difficult yet effective conversations with your partner, please see the “Contact Us” tab above.

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Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.”  On the surface, these seem like good answers.  But are they enough?

In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past.  Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t.  Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.

Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.

Here’s how to do it:

Identify Similar Values

Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time.  Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.

What life-driving values do you have in common?  Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling.  Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.

Write Your Mission Statement

Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together.  Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple.  Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house.  If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire.  When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?

What Do You Need To Change?

On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise.  Why?  Because you were wildly and passionately in love.  But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?

At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married.  If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.” 

Live Your Reason

Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day.  If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner.  Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole.  Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily.  This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.

It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit.  Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.

Relationships can be difficult.  When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed?  For some people, this is a new idea.  If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.

How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

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Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

Getting Cheated on May Have Nothing to Do with You or Your Relationship: So What’s the Problem?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine that you’re in a relationship, and one day, you discover that your partner was unfaithful.  You might immediately ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?” or “What’s missing in this relationship that they had to go somewhere else to find?”  Many people believe that if their partner cheats, it must be due to a shortcoming either in the relationship, sex, or worse- in themselves.  But what if I told you that it’s possible none of those things were the problem?

Esther Perel, Belgian researcher, therapist, and relationship expert, describes in her book on infidelity, The State of Affairs, as well as in her viral TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity,” that there is much more to cheating than often meets the eye.  Societally, we tend to think that only people who are unhappy in their relationships turn to infidelity.  The truth is that even those in the happiest of relationships cheat, and it’s often for one of these two reasons:

Lost Identity

Perel tells a story in both The State of Affairs and her TED Talk about “Priya,” a woman who cheated on her husband with an arborist who came to remove a tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy.  Priya was happy.  She had a good husband and a good marriage.  That was the problem.  Priya had always been good.  She had always done what was expected of her.  Sleeping with the tattooed arborist wasn’t about escaping her happy life.  It was about escaping herself and her pristine identity, thus reclaiming the adolescence she felt she never had.

The same is true for many others in happy marriages.  The rebellion of an affair feels youthful and free when the white picket fence goes from feeling comfortable to confining.  In these cases, cheating isn’t as much about finding someone else as it is being someone else.

Life and Death

Perel also points out that many of her clients report cheating after experiencing some kind of loss, such as the death of a parent or a terminal diagnosis.  Once satisfied with lives made up of dinner with the inlaws and children’s soccer games, an encounter with death leaves many asking, “Is this really all there is?  Am I really going to live the rest of my life without the excitement of being with someone new again?”

When Perel asks her clients what it was like for them to stray, she often hears the same response:  “I felt so alive.”  The secrecy, desire, and danger of an affair create a recipe for adrenaline.  The rush is one that years of marriage can only envy.  When reminded of our own mortality, an affair seemingly grants access to life at its fullest and even feelings of transcendence.  For many, infidelity appears to be what Perel calls “an antidote to deadness.”

I’ve Been Cheated On.  What Do I Do?

As devastating as affairs can be, recovery is possible.  Perel recommends avoiding the surface level questions many ask after being betrayed, such as, “Was she better in bed than me?” or, “Did he look like me?”  Instead, get to the root of the affair by asking questions like, “What did this affair mean to you?”, “How did you feel while it was going on?”, and, “Who were you able to be in that relationship that you felt you could not be with me?”

The answers to these questions can shed light on the underlying feelings and motivations of the partner who cheated.  They also open the door for you, the betrayed, to express how your identity is affected by the relationship, any grievances you may have been keeping secret, and what it takes for you to feel alive and invested in your relationship.  While I would never recommend infidelity to a couple, exploring the causes of it after the fact can lead to new understandings of each other and even deeper levels of intimacy than ever before.

Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all know that no relationship is perfect.  Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship.  But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it?  Do you attempt to keep getting your point across?  Do you try to control how your partner behaves?  When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?

Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.

“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example.  Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter.  I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be).  When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”

As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset.  At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours.  Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.

What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way.  There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel.  Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again.  If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.

In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”  If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.  

Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list.  Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.  

These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship.  The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow.  Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.

If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment.  Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first).  Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want.  Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.”  Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work.  Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.

Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist.  It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

The Magic Ratio: What to look out for when fighting with your partner

All couples fight.  It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay?  The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.

When I first learned about Gottman, I was a tad intimidated.  In reading about him I learned that he is known for being able to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 95% accuracy in just one meeting with them.  Yikes!

Dr. Gottman has devoted his career to researching couples and learning about the characteristics that are found in both happy and unhappy relationships.  And while there are many factors that go into what creates happiness and satisfaction for couples, one figure in particular has always stood out to me from Gottman’s work: the 5-to-1 ratio. 

Gottman learned that couples who consistently report being happy and satisfied in their relationship tend to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during conflict.  In other words, happy couples have positive interactions five times more often than negative interactions when they fight. 

We may think to ourselves that all conflict is negative, but considering that conflict is inevitable, what Gottman means by “negative” is often what we think of as ineffective communication.  High levels of defensiveness, sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or avoiding the conversation completely are all examples of negative interactions.

“Positive” interactions within conflict don’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your partner says, or backing down from your position.  Instead, we can think of positive interactions as listening with the intention of understanding, admitting faults and apologizing when needed, laughing or making jokes that both people find humorous, mutually deciding to take a break from the conversation, validating, and ultimately trying to create a way to solve the problem.

Take inventory of how your next conflict goes.  If you’re seeing that the negative interactions far outweigh the positives, it could be helpful to examine this further.  Reading is a great place to start and I often recommend that my clients read Dr. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work.  Individual and/or couples therapy can also be an effective way to manage the conflict.  

The most interesting thing I learned from the 5-to-1 ratio is that it is not necessarily how often a couple fights that is important, but rather how they interact within the conflict.  I think this is helpful to remember, and it is something that all couples can benefit from recognizing.