Navigating Relationships and Politics

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Now more than ever, political viewpoints are popping up in our daily lives and that includes impacting close relationships. Navigating a relationship with a friend, family member or romantic partner who has a different political view than you can be challenging - but NOT impossible!

Being able to have candid conversations with our partners is important to the longevity of our relationships. So, where do you begin?

COMMON GROUND

Seeking and identifying areas of common ground between both sides of a relationship is a great place to start. Try exploring your shared values. Try to understand how and why you came together in the first place, along with discussing your current common goals and dreams. All of this can help resurface those deep-rooted similarities and shared values - making areas of disagreement feel less intense. Remember, it’s not always just about the politics!

WANTING WHAT’S BEST

As polarized politics become a more prominent topic of conversation, remember that your partner chose their political candidate or side because it resonated with their own values. Understanding this can lead to a deeper knowledge of one another’s perceptions, morals and personal experiences. Instead of making assumptions, try asking questions like this: “What specific values shape your political views?” Or, dig even deeper by asking, “What specific value backs this specific belief?” You might be pleasantly surprised with what you uncover and learn.

LISTEN

Be present and go in with an open mind. Make an effort to dedicate uninterrupted time to sit with your friend, family member or partner to discuss certain political topics. Try not defend your viewpoints, but listen to the beliefs on the other side. What you both have to say is important! 

The goal of these sometimes difficult discussions is to see how and why someone arrived at their opinion. This style of listening can even benefit other areas of your relationship, too! Try to keep these conversations light-hearted. If things get heated, take a break, and come back with one goal in mind - wanting to understand without judgment. 

Disagreeing doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker in a relationship, either. Remember, you don’t have to agree on everything, but by accepting our differences and understanding the root of them, the opportunity to build stronger, healthier relationships with others and ourselves can present itself!

People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What makes a relationship healthy?  Is it respect?  Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult.  Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.

No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion.  Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship.  It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical.  Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.

How Will It Help My Relationship?

Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.  

For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners.  They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.

Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners.  Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.

Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale.  Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness:  One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation.  For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.

Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation.  You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.”  Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.

Common Humanity:  Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect.  We all make mistakes and experience pain.  When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers.  Our struggles connect us.  Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.

Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness.  Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain.  When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are.  Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either.  Just witness your experience.  By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system.  You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.

Go Forth and Love

Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself.  Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break.  Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.

Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete.  These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do.  To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.

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One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last.  Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce.  While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism.  No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like.  Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way.  For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed.  Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character.  A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Example:  “I feel lonely when you come home from work late.  I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own.  For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own.  Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.  Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct.  Then, respond.  This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out.  If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case.  Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed.  If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further.  This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors.  Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority.  Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner?  Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate.  Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings.  If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship.  This fear is not irrational!  Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work.  Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling.  To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

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Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating.  The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship.  For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”

Staying friends with an ex is controversial.  Some swear it’s a terrible idea, and others have been successful at doing so.  The answer to whether or not you should stay friends with your ex is not as straightforward as you might hope.  Everybody’s situation is different.  Ask yourself the questions below for help making this very individualized decision:

Are you safe?

If your ex was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, the answer to this question is an automatic “no.”  Although it’s hard to say goodbye to an ex, even if the relationship was toxic, protecting your safety has to be a top priority.  To cope with feelings of heartbreak or loneliness in a healthy way, spend more time with your friends, join a support group, pick up a new hobby, or start going to therapy.  The sadness you feel now won’t last forever.  Soon, you’ll thank yourself for moving on from something that wasn’t healthy.

How will your decision affect future relationships?

When deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex, play the mental tape forward to when you’re ready to begin a new relationship.  Will having your ex in your life prolong your ability to feel ready to be with someone else?  How might your next partner react if you tell them you’re hanging out with your ex?  The answers to these questions will likely depend on the seriousness of you and your ex-partner’s relationship.  Be honest with yourself as you answer them, and set yourself up for future success.

Is there still chemistry?

Chemistry in a friendship can make it...well...hard to stay just friends!  Ask yourself how likely it is that you’ll be tempted to be romantic or sexual with your ex while trying to have a friendly hangout.  Even if you know you can resist, is your friendship worth the agony of longing?

What are the benefits?

Sometimes, maintaining or rekindling a friendship with an ex can be healing.  You may also genuinely like your ex and consider them a valuable addition to your social circle.  Before deciding, weigh the costs and benefits of a friendship.  If you’re struggling to identify any benefits, get curious about your real motives, and decide accordingly.

Although it can seem like everyone has their own opinion on whether or not friendship with an ex is a good- or even possible- idea, the truth is there is no one “right” decision.  Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex requires considering many factors and using self-honesty and wisdom.  Considering the history of your relationship, the current state of it, and your potential future relationships can help you put the decision in context and make the choice most likely to serve you in the long run.

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The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine you’re in the market for a new car.  There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have:  four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.

You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do?  Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget?  Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?

It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner.  And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible.  They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.

Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much.  They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.

In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.

Who’s Better Off?

Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person.  Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run.  Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.

Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers.  Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income.  Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there.  They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed.  Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.

How To Be More of a Satisficer

In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort.  The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.

List out your needs and wants

In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved.  Wants are like the icing on the cake.  While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary.  Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.

Limit your choices

Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips.  Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.

Commit

After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person.  As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better.  Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.

Communicate

When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing.  Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it.  Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.

At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect.  Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed.  While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.

Questions To Ask When You Just Found Out You’ve Been Cheated On

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have?  Would you want to know how many times?  What about what the other person looked like?  Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?

All of these questions are normal.  If you’ve been betrayed, trying to understand the experience better is part of coping with the pain.  Yet according to Esther Perel, a researcher who has studied infidelity for over a decade, not all questions are helpful.  What kind of questions, then, should you be asking if you’ve recently learned of your partner’s infidelity and are in the process of deciding what to do next?

Detective vs. Investigative Questions

Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories.  “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours.

Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity.  One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar.  While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.

Other Reasons for Affairs

Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with.  Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss.  

While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave.  If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.

Ask These Questions

After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:

• Were you thinking about us when you cheated?

• Do you want to stay together?

• If so, are you here for me or the family?

• What is it about us that you value?

• Did you hope I would somehow find out?

• Did you think about the children?

• What was it like when you came home?

• What do you think we can learn from this affair together?

These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices.  They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.

Fighting the Urge To Know Everything

Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers.  Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control.  Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients:

“Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer?  Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”

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5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will?  Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers?  In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations.  When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship.  When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.

While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s.  Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important.  When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not.  Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.

Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:

Effort

In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it.  Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally.  If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently.  Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to.  If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.

Time

Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between.  Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.

Affection

What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend?  Affection.  Affection can be verbal or physical.  Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know.  Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”

Treatment

This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner.  No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them.  Identify your limits.  What constitutes grounds for breaking up?  Is it cheating?  Name calling?  Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end?  Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept.  Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.

Communication

Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication.  Decide with your partner what good communication looks like.  If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship.  While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.”  On the surface, these seem like good answers.  But are they enough?

In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past.  Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t.  Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.

Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.

Here’s how to do it:

Identify Similar Values

Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time.  Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.

What life-driving values do you have in common?  Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling.  Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.

Write Your Mission Statement

Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together.  Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple.  Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house.  If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire.  When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?

What Do You Need To Change?

On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise.  Why?  Because you were wildly and passionately in love.  But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?

At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married.  If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.” 

Live Your Reason

Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day.  If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner.  Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole.  Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily.  This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.

It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit.  Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.

Relationships can be difficult.  When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed?  For some people, this is a new idea.  If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.

How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with?  When was the last time you felt that?  If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry.  You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.

According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky.  After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.

It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together.  Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:

Set Aside Time for Each Other

Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner.  Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind.  It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.

Make Sex a Priority

Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical.  Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates.  There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex.  Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected.  Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.

Express Your Gratitude

Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for.  Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed.  Then, thank him or her sincerely.  It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.

Stay Respectful

Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice.  You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap.  Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry.  For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names.  These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.

If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long.  It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to.  While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them.  Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.

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3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

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Getting Cheated on May Have Nothing to Do with You or Your Relationship: So What’s the Problem?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine that you’re in a relationship, and one day, you discover that your partner was unfaithful.  You might immediately ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?” or “What’s missing in this relationship that they had to go somewhere else to find?”  Many people believe that if their partner cheats, it must be due to a shortcoming either in the relationship, sex, or worse- in themselves.  But what if I told you that it’s possible none of those things were the problem?

Esther Perel, Belgian researcher, therapist, and relationship expert, describes in her book on infidelity, The State of Affairs, as well as in her viral TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity,” that there is much more to cheating than often meets the eye.  Societally, we tend to think that only people who are unhappy in their relationships turn to infidelity.  The truth is that even those in the happiest of relationships cheat, and it’s often for one of these two reasons:

Lost Identity

Perel tells a story in both The State of Affairs and her TED Talk about “Priya,” a woman who cheated on her husband with an arborist who came to remove a tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy.  Priya was happy.  She had a good husband and a good marriage.  That was the problem.  Priya had always been good.  She had always done what was expected of her.  Sleeping with the tattooed arborist wasn’t about escaping her happy life.  It was about escaping herself and her pristine identity, thus reclaiming the adolescence she felt she never had.

The same is true for many others in happy marriages.  The rebellion of an affair feels youthful and free when the white picket fence goes from feeling comfortable to confining.  In these cases, cheating isn’t as much about finding someone else as it is being someone else.

Life and Death

Perel also points out that many of her clients report cheating after experiencing some kind of loss, such as the death of a parent or a terminal diagnosis.  Once satisfied with lives made up of dinner with the inlaws and children’s soccer games, an encounter with death leaves many asking, “Is this really all there is?  Am I really going to live the rest of my life without the excitement of being with someone new again?”

When Perel asks her clients what it was like for them to stray, she often hears the same response:  “I felt so alive.”  The secrecy, desire, and danger of an affair create a recipe for adrenaline.  The rush is one that years of marriage can only envy.  When reminded of our own mortality, an affair seemingly grants access to life at its fullest and even feelings of transcendence.  For many, infidelity appears to be what Perel calls “an antidote to deadness.”

I’ve Been Cheated On.  What Do I Do?

As devastating as affairs can be, recovery is possible.  Perel recommends avoiding the surface level questions many ask after being betrayed, such as, “Was she better in bed than me?” or, “Did he look like me?”  Instead, get to the root of the affair by asking questions like, “What did this affair mean to you?”, “How did you feel while it was going on?”, and, “Who were you able to be in that relationship that you felt you could not be with me?”

The answers to these questions can shed light on the underlying feelings and motivations of the partner who cheated.  They also open the door for you, the betrayed, to express how your identity is affected by the relationship, any grievances you may have been keeping secret, and what it takes for you to feel alive and invested in your relationship.  While I would never recommend infidelity to a couple, exploring the causes of it after the fact can lead to new understandings of each other and even deeper levels of intimacy than ever before.

How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Quality time.  Physical touch.  Words of affirmation.  Gifts.  Acts of service.  Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak.  Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners.  Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship.  Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.

Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want?  Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work?  If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place.  I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired.  Keep reading to find out.

Give Examples

Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you.  I mean something you had no idea how to do.  You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions.  If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.).  Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.

Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen.  This is true, partly.  It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them.  However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away.  Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language.  For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.

Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement

Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them.  Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.”  Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language.  Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.

Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is.  Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it.  What are some specific ways your partner can show you love?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem.  One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner.  This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?

The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?

Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them.  However,  others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore.  The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner.  The resounding answer is no.

And this makes sense.  Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons.  If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it.  If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation.  And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it.  This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.  

So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one!  However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help.  Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile.  Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.

Carve Out Some Time

Like with all important conversations, timing is key.  It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other.  This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation.  Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood.  Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.

Review What Turns You Both On

People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years.  It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex.  Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not.  For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.  

Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you?  What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?

What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement

Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy.  Congratulate each other for a job well done.  It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation.  Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life?  What do you like most that we already do?  

When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex.  If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions.  If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that.  If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate.  Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex?  What could we do to make our sex better?

Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics

If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this.  I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.  

Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important.  Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met.  This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you.  Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?     

Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial.  Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans.  It’s not always clean and simple.  Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.