BEING VULNERABLE IN BED

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Take a minute, close your eyes, and think about your most memorable, mind-blowing sexual encounter. Were you trying something new outside of your comfort zone? Were you with a partner that captivated you in such a way that you put all insecurities aside? You were raw. You were brave. And you were vulnerable - and it felt amazing! 

Being vulnerable and being able to ask for what you want in bed has come up a lot lately with my clients. 

As humans, we are naturally social. On the contrary, many of us also resist vulnerability - the trait that helps us form close, intimate connections (in and out of the bedroom). Sometimes, we also view being vulnerable as being weak because it can expose us to humiliation or pain that could have been avoided. So, how do we get beyond this and embrace being vulnerable in bed? 

Many of us struggle with vulnerability because we often fail to realize all of the ways that we protect and distance ourselves from others. When we resist vulnerability, we’re actually denying the people close to us the opportunity to fully know us. Just remember, you also have control over who you reveal yourself to based on your level of trust with that person - and that includes intimate moments in bed. 

Here are a few tips to help you embrace being vulnerable together with your partner and asking for what you want. Before you start, make sure to reinforce a no-judgement, no-pressure zone with your partner. 

FANTASY

Both of you write down a fantasy that you have with each other. Try reading it to one another. Or, if you’d rather take a different route (and maybe get your partner in the mood for later), share your fantasy through email or text during the day so you can act it out when you both get home. Encouraging your partner to be vulnerable helps them feel safe and when we make a commitment to it in advance, you can share the same intentions. 

TAKE TURNS

Before you dive right in, discuss your boundaries and what is off limits in bed with your partner. Take turns asking for one thing from each other in bed. Partner A asks to be kissed on the neck - and partner B does just that. Then, partner B asks to be told something dirty, and partner A delivers the sexy message. Remember, when you lead with vulnerability, you’re likely to receive it in return. Be willing to be there with your partner in all that they feel during these intimate moments.

TOP 5

Instead of avoiding sexual vulnerability, imagine the level of empowerment that you can experience if you just acknowledged and accepted that it’s there to be enjoyed! Try this. Each partner creates a list of their top 5 favorite things to do and have done to them in bed. Exchange notes with your partner and see where the experience takes you! 

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Vulnerability can also be an important factor to long-term success in romantic relationships because it’s hard to form a connection while remaining closed off. When we are open to and able to experience intimacy and vulnerability at the same time, we have the opportunity to encounter so many benefits that come along with these close connections.

Remember, that being vulnerable in your relationship takes practice, patience and often time. But, the rewards of a stronger couple connection of feeling valued, heard and understood can be well worth it!

Toxic Masculinity Part II

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Despite how far we’ve come in breaking down male gender norms over the last few decades, men are often expected to act tough and aggressive, never lose, show no emotion or not do anything that could be considered weak - in order to be “masculine”. Because of this, many men struggle to define their masculinity and themselves as men in a culture that can stigmatize things like sexuality, aggressiveness or dominance. 

In February, we tackled Toxic Masculinity in our current culture and shared tips on reframing masculinity in a healthier way. In part II of this series, we’re shining light on the difficulties that women have holding space for men that don’t quite fit society’s picture of masculinity. 

In reality, there is no right or wrong way to be a man. There is no right or wrong way to be a woman. Yet, ideas of masculinity continue to be restrictive, placing pressure on men of all ages to bury their feminine qualities - both physically and emotionally.

So, why are some men more feminine than others? It could be their upbringing, kind nature or even just a passion for self-care and grooming. There are also many women and men that are comfortable dating a man who has feminine traits that he is proud of - like empathy and sensitivity.

We’ve all heard the saying, “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” So, how can women be more accepting of boys and men that don’t exhibit the epitome of what our society deems masculine?

CHALLENGING MYTHS

Did you know that we all have masculine and feminine energy?! We need to remember that being sensitive or caring is not exclusive to one sex. Men can be kind and also tough - just like women! A strong man is someone who is conscious of all of his actions - including feminine energy.

We are born into society and often inherit the belief systems of those around us. These systems - both behavioral and psychological - need to be confronted and addressed - especially if we want to unlearn some of these societal norms / myths. 

Challenging beliefs can be hard, especially if you don’t notice what you’re doing in the first place. You might feel threatened or vulnerable and that’s OK! Noticing a false belief is the first step in unlearning it through conscious effort and participation with those around you.

Try deconstructing common myths surrounding feminine and masculine energy. Why do you think that? What work is needed to change these beliefs? Try being around people that challenge you! What can you learn from men that have a well-developed feminine side? Or on the contrary, what can you learn from women that exhibit masculine qualities? 

POSITIVE MASCULINE ENERGY

This right here! Positive masculine energy can be associated with strength, stability, purpose, achievement and power (the list goes on). Try thinking about masculinity in a new way that includes everything that COULD BE A STRENGTH. Not just being tall or having big muscles.

If we are able to redefine the limits of our own desires to encompass more qualities - we might start to understand that a man can still be desirable if they lack the qualities of a physically or mentally strong person.

Instead, these combined strengths and energies can create something special and unique. 

INTEGRATION 

A study from 2015 showed that when male leaders asked for help, they were viewed as less competent, capable and confident in the workplace. This perceived “weakness” can in turn give the perception of a lower status. But, when females approached a similar situation, the opposite was perceived. Because of this, men often associate seeking help with a fear of being judged or appearing weak to society. This is not the case! 

Masculine energy is associated with stability and reliability, while feminine energy is often the energy of change and transformation. Why can't we have both?

If we want to be more accepting of feminine traits and energy, we can start by inviting and finding ways to incorporate a balance of both feminine and masculine energy into various life situations (the workplace, social encounters, political arenas). This integration can be powerful, helping us learn about our own strengths and weaknesses, and how others can help fill in those voids.

As a society, we need to make an effort to teach others to value their authentic and genuine experience of themselves. You can still be a man and be feminine, and it’s up to all of us to work towards making this idea the norm in our society. 

Sex Ed - How Your Upbringing Can Effect Your Sexuality As An Adult

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Raise your hand if you had some sort of sex-education as a child in school or within your community? Do you remember what it covered? Who taught it? Was it sex-positive material? Did it make you feel embarrassed and shameful about your sexuality? 

The controversy surrounding adolescent sexual education has been going on for years. Many oppose it all together, where other programs might focus solely on abstinence-only-until-marriage messaging; failing to provide young individuals with basic information on disease-preventing methods, unintended pregnancies, sexuality, and pleasure.

Down the road, this can have an effect on how you handle relationships. How you handle boundaries and consent. How you handle desires. Just because you were taught that something is wrong or taboo when you were younger, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is. And this holds for the opposite side of things, too. Just because you were taught that you should do something one way because that is how society views and accepts it, doesn’t mean that following a different path isn’t what is right for YOU!

Discussions about sexuality and adolescents can bring out heavy emotions for some - and that’s ok! It can be uncomfortable. You might have strong opinions. Try going into it with an open mind.

Everyone should be entitled to factual, comprehensive sexual education, but that isn’t always the case. Often times, sex education curricula can stigmatize pregnant or parenting teens vs. providing support to young people and their families. It can also stigmatize the LGBTQ community or sex-forward actions and thoughts.

Some children might not be getting any form of sex education. Others might be receiving it, but in the form of often shameful or abstinence-focused curricula. When it comes to you personally, there is nothing to be ashamed about. Sexuality plays a huge role in who we are as humans. Having access to accurate and complete sexual education can help young people make responsible decisions about sexual behavior and health throughout their lives - both socially and emotionally.

Sex education CAN teach us:

• To appreciate our bodies

• How to affirm our own sexual orientation and show respect for others

• To express sexuality in our daily lives

• To develop and maintain meaningful relationships with all genders / sexual orientations

• How to effectively communicate our needs, wants and desires to our partners

Currently, only 29 states and District of Columbia mandate sexual eduction. 35 states require that schools stress abstinence when sex ed instruction is provided. 9 states require sex ed to include information on consent. And 7 states have policies that include affirming sexual orientation instruction on LGBTQ identities. 

Different sexual orientations are natural. As adolescents, gender experimentation can be a common urge. It doesn’t make anyone weird or socially-unacceptable. Sometimes, sex ed courses don’t teach us how to affirm our own sexual orientation, while showing respect for others at the same time. 

At the end of the day, sex is not a reflection of your value as a person. Sexual experiences can be different for each of us and you have a right to learn and explore them safely. We’ve all heard “wait until you’re married.” But, putting a ring on your finger doesn’t always resolve any insecurities surrounding your sexuality, especially if you haven’t explored the emotional needs of various types of relationships, yet.

There is so much more to sex education than just the biology of it! Some of you might have even learned about the birds and the bees from your parents. You find a person of the opposite sex, fall in love, get married and have babies. That’s fantastic. For others, sex ed curriculum might have focused on the psychological significance and social understanding of being sexually active. The meanings of sex, setting clear expectations and boundaries, communicating sexual desires and dealing with awkward moments and shame when it comes to sex-related topics. If you encountered the latter, bravo! I hope that it made you open to new sexual experiences, desires and relationships!

If you’re still learning and exploring your sexuality, bravo to you, too! I encourage you to keep learning and exploring. There is no one-fits-all approach to your own sexuality and it can evolve over time. 

Online Dating and Anxiety

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Technology has changed how we connect with others – and that includes how we might find love. Tinder, Hinge, OKCupid, Bumble, Her. The list goes on and on.

To some, this is a great thing! Dating apps give us the opportunity to connect with people locally and all over the world! They can provide the chance to interact with someone that you might not have ever had the opportunity to connect with in your day-to-day life. They can also give us a jolt of confidence that we might not normally have had in a real-life first encounter.

Some people might be seeking some fun with a casual, sexual experience. On the other hand, some individuals go into online dating with intentions to start a relationship that could end with a life partner. We’ve all heard fairy tale stories of online dating that end in finding that special someone; but, we’ve also heard horror stories about catfishing, lies and manipulation. The unknown can be scary and that’s ok.

Online dating and social media can be tough to navigate. Naturally, both can bring about fear and suspicion that the person you are chatting with might not be who they say they are. This can create feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, depression and fear of the unknown. Once someone is emotionally-invested, these experiences (even if not in-person) can lead some of us to question our future decision making capabilities, causing trust issues and even emotional/psychological damage.

If you’ve seen Netflix’s Tinder Swindler, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The documentary introduces us to an alleged master con artist, who emotionally, promised the world to his connections he met on Tinder – lavish apartments, vacations around the globe in private jets and the dream of starting a family together. He shared intimate stories, videos, phone calls and messages, giving his online prospects a glimpse into the life of someone that didn’t really exist.

Like many people who get catfished or scammed via online dating, these women truly believed that the Tinder Swindler was a great guy. He took the time to build the trust and love that many people are searching for with a partner. But, after that, he used fear and manipulation to control them, causing many of them lasting financial and emotional abuse.

Stories like this can make many people anxious about online dating, and rightfully so.

For those already experiencing depression or anxiety, online dating might make these symptoms worse. Those seeking validation in a relationship can be more vulnerable to rejection. According to a recent study from the University of North Texas, Tinder users actually experience more mental health problems than non-users.

So, how do you overcome the fear of getting rejected or the fear of the unknown when it comes to online dating?

Try starting the process of online dating with the right mindset.

Worried that people are going to judge you – don’t! Online dating has become a mainstream way of meeting potential partners. You’re in good company with the other 44 million online dating users in the US.

Scared of rejection? This is a real and sometimes, unavoidable. Accepting the fact that you might not be compatible with your online dating match (yes, that is ok), is sometimes all that you need to cope with this fear. It doesn’t mean you are flawed, rather a mismatch with a potential partner. Facing these fears can actually be empowering!

Horror stories like the Tinder Swindler can be scary. That doesn’t mean that everyone out there is a bad apple. Anxious to meet your match? Meet in a public space and don’t share too much personal information about yourself. Try to remember that talking online and on the phone is different than meeting IRL. Things take time. Pay attention to the intentions of your match from the get-go. It’s easier to spot red flags if you are mindful from the start.

Make your expectations clear – with yourself. If your goal is to meet someone that you can build a long-term partnership with, don’t get sidetracked by compliments, sex and other “shiny objects”. If you’re looking for just a fling, good for you! Make sure you can handle the emotional consequences of sex.

Open up gradually. Some daters might feel that it's a positive thing to share intimate details about their life right away, as it shows a willingness to be vulnerable and to get closer faster. However, emotionally dumping on someone in the first few dates can actually be the opposite of vulnerability and at times put people more at risk. Instead, try gradually revealing yourself over time. The real vulnerable thing to do is to connect to your emotions as you begin to share the more intimate or painful parts of your life.

A lot of people get nervous before going on a date or starting a new relationship. Just remember, you are in control of how YOU want to date! You are an amazing person and not everyone you date will end in a lifelong connection. Take your time and be honest about expectations. Talk to your friends, family or therapist about your online dating fears and anxieties. If your feelings are affecting your happiness, help is out there if you need it.

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Protecting Your Mental Health During Times of Crisis

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We have more access to news than ever before – mainstream news channels, social media platforms, radio and podcasts. We also have more ways to consume this information – laptops, computers, phones, tablets, Alexa (the list goes on). Right now, it can be hard to stop scrolling through our newsfeeds and timelines for constant updates about what’s going on in the world. It's scary stuff and you can often get sucked in, easily.

If you’re currently feeling anxious or helpless right now, you’re not the only one! Like so many of us, turning to this 24-hour a day news cycle, trying to decipher what is factual vs fake news and seeing what is unfolding in Ukraine and other parts of the globe can leave us feeling anxious, angry, helpless, and even sad.
It’s so important that we learn to nurture our mental health during stressful, life-changing global events.

Naturally, as we see or read about the destruction and uncertainty unfolding in Ukraine, our anxiety and fear levels can understandably intensify. Traumatic and stressful experiences can put individuals at a greater risk not only for poor physical health, but tough mental outcomes such as depression, anxiety and PTSD. This can happen to someone directly or indirectly experiencing any type of trauma.

There are multiple ways to protect and improve your mental health during times like this (remember, you’ve already gotten through two years of the pandemic – you’re stronger than you think)!

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LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA USE

Being in front of a screen can be a major temptation. A lot of us are already spending more time at home remote working; spending increased time in front of screens. Raise your hand if you’ve caught yourself scrolling more than before? It’s OK, I’m guilty myself! A recent study showed that the average adult spends a little over 3 hours per day on their phone – checking it on average 58x per day!

This can be hazardous to our productivity and overall mental health – try taking control of your digital well-being by:
• Tracking your screen time
• Doing a device-cleanse and removing apps or programs that you don’t trust or might be causing distraction
• Turning off notifications
• Allotting times for no electronic devices
• Resisting the temptation to check your phone first thing in the morning, right before bed and during the middle of the night. Poor sleep quality can affect your mood.
• Doing your best to get your news and information from reliable sources and social media channels.
Try starting this week – National Day of Unplugging (yes, it’s a thing) – is March 4-5. When you unplug, do something that you know brings your joy or reduces your stress – like meditation, journaling, working out or other mindful activities.

PRACTICE MINDFULNESS

Meditation, yoga and prayer are all great ways to help focus your attention on the present moment vs the unknown or other catastrophic world events you might not be able to directly control. It’s been found that mindfulness – the practice of observing what is both inside and outside of ourselves, moment by moment – can improve mood and vitality, increase happiness, battle depression, anxiety and stress! No matter what, try to remember that the emotions that you might be experiencing right now are normal and everyone reacts to circumstances in different ways.

SUPPORT

The mental aspects of war can be catastrophic. Times of crisis often give us a chance to come together as a community and doing so can build important memories, by providing a sense of support and belonging. You can find safety in the comfort of others. Often connecting or reconnecting with one’s cultural identity via social gatherings, cultural or spiritual, is a great place to start. Hearing what others are experiencing can help individuals feel that their emotions are heard, valid and accepted. Spend time with other families that are or have experienced similar tragedies. Also, conversations about non-war topics should also NOT be ignored.

If you have kids, be honest to them about what is happening (age-appropriate topics, of course). Let them ask questions, ask them how they are feeling and work together on finding positive ways to express these feelings whether it be journaling, drawing or even cooking together as a family.

If you are currently seeing a therapist or other mental health professional for your mental health treatment – great! Try to be consistent and keep up with your current sessions. If you aren’t quite sure how to experience everything happening around you right now – that’s also ok! Consider reaching out to one of us at ELC, we currently offer both telehealth and in-person sessions.

BE KIND

This goes for yourself and others! Make sure to always practice self-love, stay positive and be kind to others. You never know what might trigger someone. They could be reading about Ukraine and have fled from their home country as a child. They might have family in Ukraine, Russia or another area and have no way of connecting with them during this invasion. Try not to lump an entire country or group into one sphere – it’s likely that you share some of the same values and beliefs and that might even surprise you!

Try asking people how their day is. Smile. Say thank you. Tell jokes. Take a mental health day if you need it with a friend.

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We live in a highly connected world and the reality is that information comes in all shapes and forms. If social media is stressing you out, sign off! If the news about Ukraine and the pandemic are consuming you, turn it off! Lately, I’ve been talking a lot with my clients about the importance of breaks. Sometimes, staying connected to the news and current affairs isn’t going to help your mental well-being and that’s fine!

Just know that there are millions of other people around the globe sharing your experience right now.

Toxic Masculinity

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Guess what? We’re going to let you in on a secret. You can still be masculine and cry! You can still ask for help or seek out therapy and be masculine! Are you a stay-at-home dad? Be a stay-at-home dad that exudes positive masculinity!

Being a man or male identifying person can leave someone feeling a little off or confused about how they “should” act. Many of you have heard the term Toxic Masculinity - the adherence to the limiting and often dangerous societal standards set for men and male-identifying individuals. Typically (not always), these socially regressive male traits have caused men to eject actions that might undermine their ideas of what it means to be a real man.

Boys will be boys. Man up and be strong. Real men don’t cry. Sound familiar? According to traditional toxic masculine values, a male who does not display enough “manly” traits may fall short of being what society considers a “real man” aka they are weak.

Research has suggested that men are actually less likely to see a doctor for a fear of appearing weak or unable to provide. This sort of thinking can also prevent men and those that identify as males from seeking the important mental care that they need and deserve.

These gender stereotypes and the stigma surrounding male mental health are becoming more and more prevalent in our society. So, how do we tackle toxic masculinity in our current culture and reframe masculinity in a healthier way?

HAVE TOUGH CONVOS

It’s not a bad thing to tap your friends, family or trusted relationship on their perspective on how you handle situations relating to your masculinity. How do your actions impact others? Is it how you intended them to come across? Working with a therapist can also help uncover why you might feel shame for expressing your genuine feelings. It can also help uncover any previous traumas or communication issues you were taught growing up.

IMPROVE VOCABULARY

Boys are often not socialized to use a wide range of emotional vocabulary in the same way girls are. As a result, a great deal of men struggle to pinpoint their emotional state at any given time. Even if men want to get in touch with feminine energy, they might not have the language! Try looking up a feelings wheel and identify at least 5 emotions you tend to feel regularly that are more nuanced than frustrated, angry, or excited. Get in the practice of naming precisely how you feel!

UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND HOW FAR YOU’VE COME

Be honest about your past and how you communicated - you can learn from it! You cannot change the past, but you can change the future for yourself and those around you. Try journaling - everyone has to start somewhere! Maybe you weren’t a great communicator to your last partner or relied on your strength to intimidate others. Remember these actions, how you acted and how you should have acted in the situation.

Most people want to have satisfying relationships with their partners, coworkers, friends and family. This can lead to deeper, more connected relationships with kids and younger generations facing traditional male stereotypes.

Just remember, don’t beat yourself up about past actions, but use them as a tool to move forward.

BREAKING OUT OF THE GENDER BOX

Women aren’t the sole victims of toxic masculinity. Sexual harassment in the workplace, derogatory comments made in public can be made anywhere to anyone - women, other men, gay, straight, black, white or brown - you name it. Instead of teaching young men about owning their own mistakes and taking responsibility for their actions, these negative masculine expressions often advocate for careless and damaging behavior.

Try breaking out of your gender box! Feminine energy isn’t a sign of weakness and men exhibiting feminine energy aren’t weak! Being flexible and fluid in your environment will help you break free of limitations and guide others in their beliefs and actions.

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Masculinity can be natural. It can be good and most importantly Positive Masculinity exists and is important to societal growth. Being comfortable with who you are, regardless of your gender identity and expression, is a great place to start.

Want more? Check out the Man Enough Podcast HERE. We’ll also be coming out with a Part II to this blog focusing on the difficulties women have holding space for men that don’t quite fit society’s picture of masculinity.

LOVE LANGUAGE AND AFFIRMATION

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Sometimes it can be tough to understand our partners. One partner might emotionally express love differently than their better half.


Say hello, to Love Language: how we receive and express love in a relationship. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.

When you understand your partner’s love language and vice versa, it can help you navigate each other’s exceptions and needs. But, showing your partner that you care can’t be that hard, right? Many couples actually struggle to do this and that’s 100% normal!

In the early 1990s, Dr. Gary Chapman published his book, “The 5 Love Languages” after seeing a pattern in the couples that he was counseling: they were misunderstanding one another and their needs. That led to his discovery of the five love languages that people might respond to: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. These love languages are present not just in romantic relationships, but can be uncovered in friendships and family connections, too! 

Today, we are going to focus on WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

Words of affirmation are any spoken or written words that can confirm, support, uplift and empathize with another person in a positive way. Often times, when a person is drawn to words of affirmation as their love language, it’s because they believe words matter to help give them a literal voice to how they feel inside.

How do you know if words of affirmation is your love language? When your partner offers compliments, words of encouragement or even a simple “I love you,” do you feel the most happy or get butterflies inside? If that resonates with you, words of affirmation might be your love language!

If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, having an open line of communication is also very important because harsh words and criticism can have lasting feelings and effects.

When it comes down to it, everyone differs in the ways that they want to receive love. By learning to give love in the ways that your partner can best receive it, and by asking your partner to do the same, you can build stronger relationships and bonds.