People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What makes a relationship healthy?  Is it respect?  Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult.  Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.

No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion.  Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship.  It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical.  Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.

How Will It Help My Relationship?

Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.  

For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners.  They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.

Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners.  Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.

Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale.  Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness:  One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation.  For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.

Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation.  You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.”  Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.

Common Humanity:  Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect.  We all make mistakes and experience pain.  When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers.  Our struggles connect us.  Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.

Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness.  Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain.  When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are.  Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either.  Just witness your experience.  By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system.  You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.

Go Forth and Love

Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself.  Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break.  Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.

Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete.  These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do.  To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.

Related Articles:

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The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Trust is quite arguably one of the most important factors in any relationship.  Trust creates feelings of safety, which makes room for vulnerability and a general sense of being able to relax around the other person.  Trust is the antidote to relational anxiety.

Not only does trust mean believing that your partner is loyal, it also means knowing that they have positive intentions in your relationship and that they’re looking out for your best interest.  Trust exists on a continuum and can change, depending on circumstances and the phase of the relationship.  Like love, it has to be built over time.  But what if this isn’t happening for you?  What if you can’t shake that nagging feeling that something is wrong or that your partner is up to no good?  Well, it could mean a number of things.

1) Your partner is actually not trustworthy

If you’ve caught your partner in multiple lies, or if you’re learning they have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, your feelings of distrust might be right on point.  You might feel anxious around your partner because you’re never sure if they’re going to say something hurtful or if they’re actually going to keep a promise they’ve already broken several times.  In this case, look at the evidence.  What have your partner’s previous actions taught you about their probable future behavior, and is it worth sticking around to find out?

2) You’re insecurities are louder than your logic

Insecurity can be deceiving.  It can make you believe that even though your partner has called every time they said they would, introduced you to all their friends, and expressed how much they care about you, they still must be leading you on or secretly sleeping with their ex because no way could they ever truly want someone like you.  Beliefs like this are often subtle, and you might not even be aware you have them.  If you’re finding that you need constant validation or that you’re looking up all their exes on Instagram, ask yourself why.  It could be that you’re having a hard time accepting your partner’s feelings for you because you’re really struggling to accept yourself.

3) Your past

So often, we bring old baggage into new relationships, but it’s natural.  We can’t help it.  We are all made up of a collection of past experiences, so if you grew up learning that others can’t be trusted, or if you were hurt in a former relationship, of course you’re going to carry that around with you.  What’s important is that you recognize your sore spots and when they’re hurting.  Being aware of your triggers can help you recognize when old feelings are coming up, versus when something in your relationship is actually wrong.  Therapy can help you identify these situations, respond to them effectively, and even heal lingering wounds.

4) Your friends

There’s an old episode of Sex and the City in which main character Carrie Bradshaw runs into a friend and his date in a Chinese restaurant while she is on her own date.  Carrie’s friend tells her that he brought his date there because he was ashamed to be out with her, and he didn’t think he’d see anybody he knew at that restaurant.  Instantly, Carrie begins to worry that her date took her there for the same reason.  We later find out that this isn’t the case at all.  Carrie’s date took her there because he loved the food.  Be wary anytime a friend, coworker, family member, or that romantic comedy you streamed on Netflix last week tells you that there is something wrong with your relationship.  Sure, take advice, but take it with a grain of salt.  Your relationship is unique, and the only people who really know what’s going on inside of it are you and your partner.

Determining whether or not you can trust another person is difficult and high-stakes territory.  Know yourself.  Know the difference between a gut feeling and a fear or insecurity, and when in doubt, balance out your emotions with a healthy dose of objectivity.  If you’re worried that your relationship is unhealthy or headed that way, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you determine where these feelings are coming from, whether or not to act on them, and how to do it.

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)

The Magic Ratio: What to look out for when fighting with your partner

All couples fight.  It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay?  The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.

When I first learned about Gottman, I was a tad intimidated.  In reading about him I learned that he is known for being able to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 95% accuracy in just one meeting with them.  Yikes!

Dr. Gottman has devoted his career to researching couples and learning about the characteristics that are found in both happy and unhappy relationships.  And while there are many factors that go into what creates happiness and satisfaction for couples, one figure in particular has always stood out to me from Gottman’s work: the 5-to-1 ratio. 

Gottman learned that couples who consistently report being happy and satisfied in their relationship tend to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during conflict.  In other words, happy couples have positive interactions five times more often than negative interactions when they fight. 

We may think to ourselves that all conflict is negative, but considering that conflict is inevitable, what Gottman means by “negative” is often what we think of as ineffective communication.  High levels of defensiveness, sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or avoiding the conversation completely are all examples of negative interactions.

“Positive” interactions within conflict don’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your partner says, or backing down from your position.  Instead, we can think of positive interactions as listening with the intention of understanding, admitting faults and apologizing when needed, laughing or making jokes that both people find humorous, mutually deciding to take a break from the conversation, validating, and ultimately trying to create a way to solve the problem.

Take inventory of how your next conflict goes.  If you’re seeing that the negative interactions far outweigh the positives, it could be helpful to examine this further.  Reading is a great place to start and I often recommend that my clients read Dr. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work.  Individual and/or couples therapy can also be an effective way to manage the conflict.  

The most interesting thing I learned from the 5-to-1 ratio is that it is not necessarily how often a couple fights that is important, but rather how they interact within the conflict.  I think this is helpful to remember, and it is something that all couples can benefit from recognizing.