One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.
Criticism
The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism. No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like. Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way. For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed. Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.
To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character. A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”
Example: “I feel lonely when you come home from work late. I need you to be home by 7pm.”
Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own. For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.
One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own. Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct. Then, respond. This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.
Stonewalling
In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.
Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case. Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed. If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further. This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.
Contempt
Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors. Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority. Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner? Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”
If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate. Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings. If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.
At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship. This fear is not irrational! Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work. Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.
To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling. To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.
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Questions To Ask When You Just Found Out You’ve Been Cheated On
If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have? Would you want to know how many times? What about what the other person looked like? Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have? Would you want to know how many times? What about what the other person looked like? Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?
All of these questions are normal. If you’ve been betrayed, trying to understand the experience better is part of coping with the pain. Yet according to Esther Perel, a researcher who has studied infidelity for over a decade, not all questions are helpful. What kind of questions, then, should you be asking if you’ve recently learned of your partner’s infidelity and are in the process of deciding what to do next?
Detective vs. Investigative Questions
Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories. “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours.
Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity. One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar. While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.
Other Reasons for Affairs
Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with. Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss.
While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave. If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.
Ask These Questions
After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:
Were you thinking about us when you cheated?
Do you want to stay together?
If so, are you here for me or the family?
What is it about us that you value?
Did you hope I would somehow find out?
Did you think about the children?
What was it like when you came home?
What do you think we can learn from this affair together?
These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices. They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.
Fighting the Urge To Know Everything
Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers. Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control. Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients:
“Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer? Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”
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5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set
Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will? Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers? In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations. When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship. When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will? Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers? In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations. When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship. When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.
While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s. Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important. When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not. Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.
Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:
Effort
In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it. Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally. If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently. Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to. If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.
Time
Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between. Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.
Affection
What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend? Affection. Affection can be verbal or physical. Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know. Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”
Treatment
This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner. No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them. Identify your limits. What constitutes grounds for breaking up? Is it cheating? Name calling? Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end? Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept. Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.
Communication
Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication. Decide with your partner what good communication looks like. If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.
Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship. While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.
Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking
Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.” On the surface, these seem like good answers. But are they enough?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.” On the surface, these seem like good answers. But are they enough?
In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past. Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t. Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.
Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.
Here’s how to do it:
Identify Similar Values
Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time. Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.
What life-driving values do you have in common? Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling. Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.
Write Your Mission Statement
Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together. Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple. Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house. If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire. When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?
What Do You Need To Change?
On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise. Why? Because you were wildly and passionately in love. But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?
At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married. If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.”
Live Your Reason
Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day. If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner. Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole. Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily. This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.
It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.
Relationships can be difficult. When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed? For some people, this is a new idea. If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.
How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky. After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.
It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together. Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:
Set Aside Time for Each Other
Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner. Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.
Make Sex a Priority
Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates. There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex. Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected. Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.
Express Your Gratitude
Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for. Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed. Then, thank him or her sincerely. It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.
Stay Respectful
Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice. You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap. Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry. For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names. These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.
If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long. It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to. While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them. Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.
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How Happy Couples Fight
Every couple fights. How you do it is what matters.
When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”? Do you find yourself in screaming matches? Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other? All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Every couple fights. How you do it is what matters.
When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”? Do you find yourself in screaming matches? Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other? All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.
When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye. Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy. Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.
Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion. When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship. The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before. To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:
What am I feeling?
As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward. Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings. If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw. Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of. It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.
Is this familiar?
Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper. Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally. What comes to mind? Have you ever felt this way before? Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.
What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory? Insecurity? Anger? Shame? Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present. Stay open minded to what you might learn.
What do I need?
In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need. Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection). Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:
“I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”
Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending. Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck. I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.” This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless! Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”
You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2. Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy. Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.
Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate. The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant. For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.
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How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want? Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place. I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired. Keep reading to find out.
Give Examples
Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you. I mean something you had no idea how to do. You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions. If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.). Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.
Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen. This is true, partly. It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them. However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away. Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language. For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.
Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement
Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them. Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.” Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language. Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.
Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is. Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it. What are some specific ways your partner can show you love? Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships
We all know that no relationship is perfect. Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it? Do you attempt to keep getting your point across? Do you try to control how your partner behaves? When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?
Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
We all know that no relationship is perfect. Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship. But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it? Do you attempt to keep getting your point across? Do you try to control how your partner behaves? When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?
Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.
“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example. Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter. I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be). When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”
As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset. At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours. Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.
What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way. There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel. Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again. If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.
In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?” If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.
Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list. Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.
These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship. The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow. Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.
If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment. Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first). Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want. Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.” Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work. Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.
Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist. It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety. This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart. It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken. When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit. I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy. The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship. Let’s explore this further.
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety. This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart. It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken. When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.
Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways. Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship. When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens. When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.
The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship. You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument. “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship. You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?” “Are you mad at me?” “Is everything alright?”
On the other hand you may experience a flight response. For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.
Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad. It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning. A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship. It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.
So how do you deal with this type of anxiety? The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection. What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening. If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).
It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head. To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me. Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts. Then, list the facts of the situation. If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner. If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.
It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it. We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship. However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity. This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help. You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies. The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.
Happy Couples Edit
If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?” The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner. This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?” The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner. This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.
In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism. And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships. There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become. Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.
However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it. We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations. John Gottman calls it criticism. Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.
In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings. I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel. Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.
The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability. Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone. In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling. Where is the connection in that?
Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling. Happy couples edit!
Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner. The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.
So what does editing look like? Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback. Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior. It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”
What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want. Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior. Instead, be clear with your partner. Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need. If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!
It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling. It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them? Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard. Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment. Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.
You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship
Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!” Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready. Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying. An argument ensues on the way to party. Whether you are Partner A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!” Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready. Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying. An argument ensues on the way to party.
Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view. You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you. So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction. Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language. You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.
And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you. BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.
More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes. The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight. This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right. The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost. They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.
When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental. When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this? Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it. In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.
Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?” The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view. Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.
So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win? The first is to recognize if you actually do this. Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern. Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.
Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern. What has it cost you? It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it. It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change. Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability. Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.
In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath. Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes). Take a break to calm down. Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right. Make it a point to be solution-oriented. If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward? Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.
Finding Space While You Shelter in Place
While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time. Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time. Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.
At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love. Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.
We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult. If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not. This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.
All humans are social creatures. We have a biological need for connection to others. We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space. When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking. For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.
Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs. It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with. This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.
Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial. Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.
It is crucial to remember that everybody is different. What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other. Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.
Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time. Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with. Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.
The Magic Ratio: What to look out for when fighting with your partner
All couples fight. It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay? The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.
All couples fight. It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay? The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.
When I first learned about Gottman, I was a tad intimidated. In reading about him I learned that he is known for being able to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 95% accuracy in just one meeting with them. Yikes!
Dr. Gottman has devoted his career to researching couples and learning about the characteristics that are found in both happy and unhappy relationships. And while there are many factors that go into what creates happiness and satisfaction for couples, one figure in particular has always stood out to me from Gottman’s work: the 5-to-1 ratio.
Gottman learned that couples who consistently report being happy and satisfied in their relationship tend to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during conflict. In other words, happy couples have positive interactions five times more often than negative interactions when they fight.
We may think to ourselves that all conflict is negative, but considering that conflict is inevitable, what Gottman means by “negative” is often what we think of as ineffective communication. High levels of defensiveness, sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or avoiding the conversation completely are all examples of negative interactions.
“Positive” interactions within conflict don’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your partner says, or backing down from your position. Instead, we can think of positive interactions as listening with the intention of understanding, admitting faults and apologizing when needed, laughing or making jokes that both people find humorous, mutually deciding to take a break from the conversation, validating, and ultimately trying to create a way to solve the problem.
Take inventory of how your next conflict goes. If you’re seeing that the negative interactions far outweigh the positives, it could be helpful to examine this further. Reading is a great place to start and I often recommend that my clients read Dr. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work. Individual and/or couples therapy can also be an effective way to manage the conflict.
The most interesting thing I learned from the 5-to-1 ratio is that it is not necessarily how often a couple fights that is important, but rather how they interact within the conflict. I think this is helpful to remember, and it is something that all couples can benefit from recognizing.