One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last. Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce. While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.
Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.
Criticism
The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism. No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like. Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way. For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed. Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.
To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character. A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____. I need _____.”
Example: “I feel lonely when you come home from work late. I need you to be home by 7pm.”
Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”
Defensiveness
Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own. For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.
One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own. Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting. Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct. Then, respond. This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.
Stonewalling
In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out. If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.
Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case. Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed. If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further. This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.
Contempt
Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors. Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority. Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner? Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”
If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate. Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings. If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.
At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship. This fear is not irrational! Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work. Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.
To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling. To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.
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This Foolproof Strategy Can Help You Achieve Your 2021 Relationship Goals
Have you thought about your goals for 2021? After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless. Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Have you thought about your goals for 2021? After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless. Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.
If you’re single, you may be taking advantage of the current slump in the dating scene by dedicating more time to work. Or maybe you’re on the apps, looking for another brave soul who’s willing to bundle up for an outdoor coffee date. Whether your ultimate 2021 goal is to end up in a relationship or make a power move in your single life, there’s one strategy that is sure to work better than the rest.
Grab a notebook and pencil and keep reading to learn how to work towards your 2021 goals everyday, no matter what the year may hold.
The “Average Perfect Day” Method
Accomplishing a goal does not happen overnight. Achievement is something you have to work for little by little every day. Your habits might seem insignificant on their own, but over days, weeks, and months, they add up to dictate the direction of your life. Building habits that help you reach your goals starts with imagining what one “perfect” day in the journey would look like, then acting out elements of that day on a regular basis.
Step 1: Identify Your Dream
At this first stage, you don’t need to worry about being realistic. If you could have anything you wanted by the end of 2021, what would it be? An exclusive relationship? Six-figures? The sky’s the limit. Bonus points if you base your dream off your values or sense of purpose.
Step 2: Choose A Realistic End Goal
In order to feel motivated to work towards a goal, you need to know that it’s reachable. To decide on a realistic end goal, take into account the unpredictability of 2021 and ask yourself what you’re certain you can accomplish by the end of the year. Then, push it one step further. Research shows you’re more likely to feel motivated to work towards a goal you’re just shy of 100% sure you can achieve it.
Step 3: Plan Your Perfect Day
Visualize what it would look like for you to live one day in perfect alignment with your goal. Try asking yourself:
What time would I wake up?
What would I do in the morning?
What would I wear?
What would I listen to or watch?
How would my space look?
What kinds of activities would I engage in?
Who would I talk to?
What would I eat?
How much movement would I get?
What kind of thoughts would I have?
What would I do before bed?
What time would I go to sleep?
If your goal is to go on dates in hopes of beginning a relationship, you might include plenty of social activities to improve your chances of meeting a partner. If your goal is to go on a solo trip, your ideal day might include working on a side hustle to save extra money. The great thing about planning an average perfect day is that no matter what you hope to accomplish, there are simple things you can do each day to help increase your chances of success.
Step 4: Anticipate Change
Even without a pandemic, life is unpredictable. It’s important to leave room for change in your plans. This year, consider how your average perfect day might look different in the face of COVID restrictions. What are some substitute activities you can do if lockdowns or social gathering-limits take place? Consider making several average perfect day plans to account for changing circumstances.
Step 5: Live with Flexibility
After you’ve created your average perfect day plan, the final step is to live it out. Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect day. Very rarely will your days look exactly like the one you wrote out. The key is to regularly include elements from your plan into your daily life. That way, even if reaching your dream takes longer than you’d hoped, you can be sure that each day of 2021 was a step in the right direction.
Goal-setting before the beginning of a New Year can seem daunting. To work towards achievement and make sure that every day counts along the way, consider several different versions of how your average perfect day might look. Then be intentional about living out elements of ideal day everyday.
What are some of your dreams for 2021? Tell me on Instagram at @teawithmc or schedule a free phone consultation for help planning a fulfilling and successful year.
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Happy Couples Edit
If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?” The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner. This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?” The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner. This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.
In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism. And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships. There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become. Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.
However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it. We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations. John Gottman calls it criticism. Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.
In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings. I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel. Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.
The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability. Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone. In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling. Where is the connection in that?
Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling. Happy couples edit!
Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner. The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.
So what does editing look like? Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback. Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior. It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”
What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want. Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior. Instead, be clear with your partner. Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need. If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!
It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling. It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them? Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard. Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment. Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.