People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What makes a relationship healthy?  Is it respect?  Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult.  Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.

No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion.  Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship.  It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical.  Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.

How Will It Help My Relationship?

Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.  

For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners.  They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.

Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners.  Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.

Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale.  Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness:  One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation.  For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.

Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation.  You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.”  Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.

Common Humanity:  Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect.  We all make mistakes and experience pain.  When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers.  Our struggles connect us.  Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.

Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness.  Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain.  When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are.  Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either.  Just witness your experience.  By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system.  You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.

Go Forth and Love

Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself.  Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break.  Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.

Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete.  These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do.  To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.

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One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last.  Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce.  While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism.  No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like.  Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way.  For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed.  Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character.  A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Example:  “I feel lonely when you come home from work late.  I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own.  For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own.  Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.  Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct.  Then, respond.  This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out.  If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case.  Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed.  If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further.  This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors.  Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority.  Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner?  Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate.  Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings.  If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship.  This fear is not irrational!  Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work.  Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling.  To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

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How To Improve Your Body Image During Sex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex.  How do you feel?  How do you see yourself?  Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room.  How do you feel now?  Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.

About 41% of men and 60% of women report feeling dissatisfied with their bodies1.  In a different study, over 70% of women reported avoiding certain activities due to poor body image2.  Having sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable things you can do with your body.  It makes sense that research on the relationship between body image and sex reveals poor body image is correlated with reduced sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and overall sexual satisfaction3.

Does poor body image have a negative effect on your sex life?  If the answer is yes, read the tips below to learn how to improve your sex life by bettering your body image.

Don’t Expect Perfection

Don’t expect perfection in anything.  Not your ability to pull off new sexual positions, not the appearance of your body, and not even your feelings about your body.  Trying to achieve perfect body image, or 100% confidence, all the time is a recipe for disappointment.  There will be days when you feel insecure, and that’s okay.

Aim for Body Acceptance Over Love

Depending on where you are in your body image journey, the idea of loving your body may feel impossible.  That’s okay!  Instead, you can learn to accept your body or feel neutral towards it.  To achieve this, think about the function of your body rather than it’s appearance.  Imagine you are an alien species looking at your human body for the first time.  How cool is it that you have legs to take you places, breasts to produce milk and sustain human life, or parts of the body meant for pleasure only?  Focusing on your body’s abilities with a sense of wonder can help you appreciate it, even if you wish some things looked different.

Think Critically About Media

The times you’ve seen sex presented in movies or pornography, what kinds of bodies have you seen?  Body diversity is becoming more popular, but media is still saturated with depictions of thin, white women and white, muscular men having sex.  Next time you see an unrealistic sex scene, imagine what your neighbors or friends look like having sex.  Chances are, it probably looks a lot more like the sex you’re having.

Focus on the Positives

Advertising and media have us so conditioned to focus on the parts of our bodies we’re unsatisfied with.  What parts of your body do you actually like?  Pick just one thing.  It could be your bum or your stomach, or it could be your fingernails or eyebrows!  Intentionally notice the qualities you like about yourself at least as often as you think about the ones you don’t.

Be With Someone Who Loves Your Body

Internal validation is important, but it’s also okay (and sometimes, very helpful) to receive external validation as well.  When dating, stick with the partners who compliment your appearance.  If anyone criticizes your body or talks about their attraction to bodies that look nothing like yours, move on.  There are too many people in the world who would consider themselves lucky to have sex with you.  Don’t waste your time on those who are only going to bring you down and reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself.

Ask Your Partner for Reassurance

It could be very arousing to hear your partner tell you what they like about your body while you’re having sex.  It could also be helpful to hear this outside the bedroom.  There’s nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance sometimes.  If you’re in need of a confidence boost, let your partner know.  Tell them how great it would feel to hear how attractive you are.  Then, bask in their compliments, trusting that your body is exactly what your partner is drawn to.

Improve Your Emotional Connection

Sex does not have to be only about connecting physically.  Emotionally passionate sex has the ability to take you outside your body into almost a transcendent, spiritual realm.  Focus on deepening your emotional intimacy with your partner, and watch as worries about your body slip away as you connect sexually.

Redirect Your Focus

If your mind is feeling cluttered with shameful thoughts or worries about your body during sex, try redirecting your focus to your five senses.  Notice the physical sensations in your body.  Notice the texture and smell of your partner’s skin.  Notice the taste of their kiss.  These distractions will not only help reduce focus on your body image, they will also make your sexual experience more sensual and enjoyable.

Body image does not have to be a barrier to a healthy sex life.  While most of us struggle with insecurities to some degree, these strategies can help you feel better about your body and therefore more interested in and pleasured by sex.  Share your experiences with body image and sex by following and commenting on our Instagram page at @elevatedlifecounseling.

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Set Your Sex Life On Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

This Foolproof Strategy Can Help You Achieve Your 2021 Relationship Goals

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you thought about your goals for 2021?  After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless.  Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.

If you’re single, you may be taking advantage of the current slump in the dating scene by dedicating more time to work.  Or maybe you’re on the apps, looking for another brave soul who’s willing to bundle up for an outdoor coffee date.  Whether your ultimate 2021 goal is to end up in a relationship or make a power move in your single life, there’s one strategy that is sure to work better than the rest.

Grab a notebook and pencil and keep reading to learn how to work towards your 2021 goals everyday, no matter what the year may hold.

The “Average Perfect Day” Method

Accomplishing a goal does not happen overnight.  Achievement is something you have to work for little by little every day.  Your habits might seem insignificant on their own, but over days, weeks, and months, they add up to dictate the direction of your life.  Building habits that help you reach your goals starts with imagining what one “perfect” day in the journey would look like, then acting out elements of that day on a regular basis.

Step 1: Identify Your Dream

At this first stage, you don’t need to worry about being realistic.  If you could have anything you wanted by the end of 2021, what would it be?  An exclusive relationship?  Six-figures?  The sky’s the limit.  Bonus points if you base your dream off your values or sense of purpose.

Step 2:  Choose A Realistic End Goal

In order to feel motivated to work towards a goal, you need to know that it’s reachable.  To decide on a realistic end goal, take into account the unpredictability of 2021 and ask yourself what you’re certain you can accomplish by the end of the year.  Then, push it one step further.  Research shows you’re more likely to feel motivated to work towards a goal you’re just shy of 100% sure you can achieve it.

Step 3:  Plan Your Perfect Day

Visualize what it would look like for you to live one day in perfect alignment with your goal.  Try asking yourself:

• What time would I wake up?

• What would I do in the morning?

• What would I wear?

• What would I listen to or watch?

• How would my space look?

• What kinds of activities would I engage in?

• Who would I talk to?

• What would I eat?

• How much movement would I get?

• What kind of thoughts would I have?

• What would I do before bed?

• What time would I go to sleep?

If your goal is to go on dates in hopes of beginning a relationship, you might include plenty of social activities to improve your chances of meeting a partner.  If your goal is to go on a solo trip, your ideal day might include working on a side hustle to save extra money.  The great thing about planning an average perfect day is that no matter what you hope to accomplish, there are simple things you can do each day to help increase your chances of success.

Step 4:  Anticipate Change

Even without a pandemic, life is unpredictable.  It’s important to leave room for change in your plans.  This year, consider how your average perfect day might look different in the face of COVID restrictions.  What are some substitute activities you can do if lockdowns or social gathering-limits take place?  Consider making several average perfect day plans to account for changing circumstances.

Step 5:  Live with Flexibility

After you’ve created your average perfect day plan, the final step is to live it out.  Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect day.  Very rarely will your days look exactly like the one you wrote out.  The key is to regularly include elements from your plan into your daily life.  That way, even if reaching your dream takes longer than you’d hoped, you can be sure that each day of 2021 was a step in the right direction.

Goal-setting before the beginning of a New Year can seem daunting.  To work towards achievement and make sure that every day counts along the way, consider several different versions of how your average perfect day might look.  Then be intentional about living out elements of ideal day everyday.

What are some of your dreams for 2021?  Tell me on Instagram at @teawithmc or schedule a free phone consultation for help planning a fulfilling and successful year.

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Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem.  One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner.  This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?

The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?

Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them.  However,  others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore.  The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner.  The resounding answer is no.

And this makes sense.  Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons.  If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it.  If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation.  And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it.  This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.  

So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one!  However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help.  Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile.  Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.

Carve Out Some Time

Like with all important conversations, timing is key.  It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other.  This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation.  Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood.  Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.

Review What Turns You Both On

People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years.  It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex.  Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not.  For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.  

Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you?  What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?

What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement

Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy.  Congratulate each other for a job well done.  It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation.  Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life?  What do you like most that we already do?  

When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex.  If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions.  If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that.  If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate.  Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex?  What could we do to make our sex better?

Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics

If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this.  I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.  

Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important.  Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met.  This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you.  Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?     

Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial.  Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans.  It’s not always clean and simple.  Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.