5 Steps to Recovering from a Breakup

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been through a breakup, you know how painful it can be.  Breakups often include intense feelings of grief, loss, loneliness, rejection, sadness, and hopelessness.  When it comes to breaking up, these feelings are often an inevitable part of the healing process, but there are several things you can do to both cope with the pain and prepare yourself for greater things to come.

Read the following tips to learn how to heal and return to living your best life after breaking up:

Give Yourself Compassion

Immediately after a breakup, you may feel physically incapable of cheering yourself up, let alone thinking about all the fun things you want to do with your friends or who you’re going to date next.  This is normal.  Now is not the time to try to force yourself to get over your ex.

Instead, it’s important to treat yourself with compassion.  Feel your feelings.  Let yourself cry.  Treat yourself the same way you’d treat a best friend who was struggling after a breakup.  If that means calling off work and staying in bed for a day, do it.  Pushing down your feelings will only make things worse in the long run.

Surround Yourself with Love

After a difficult breakup, it’s important to connect with your support system.  Spend plenty of time with friends and family who allow you to be vulnerable.  They don’t necessarily have to understand your situation exactly or give you any groundbreaking advice.  They just have to accept you in the state you’re in, listen, and remind you that you are still deeply, deeply loved.

Reflect on the Relationship

Once you have given your emotions some care, and your logical mind begins to show itself again, start reflecting on your former relationship.  What can you learn from looking back?  What needs do you have that weren’t being met?  What went well?  What qualities do you want or not want in your next partner?  Even though your last relationship didn’t work, it can still serve as a great learning experience.

Get Honest with Yourself

One of the hardest, yet most beneficial steps of getting over a breakup is to examine your role in the dynamic.  Even if you truly believe your partner was the problem, ask yourself what you could have done differently in retrospect.  Perhaps you missed some warning signs that you can be more aware of in the future, or maybe you need to work on your communication skills.  Understanding your part in the relationship will help you feel more in control of your circumstances and benefit you in your next relationship.

Focus on the Future

Allowing yourself to feel the emotions of going through a breakup is healthy.  Dwelling in them is not.  Even if you are still grieving, begin thinking about where you would like to go next.  Set goals for your career, finances, self-improvement, or future romantic relationships, and begin working towards making them a reality.  Focusing on your future will remind you that even though you’re going through a difficult time, great things are on the horizon.

If you were recently broken up with, or even if you’re the one who did the breaking up, the emotions that come with the ending of a relationship can be heartbreaking.  Healing requires a balance of sitting with painful feelings and thinking about how your breakup may actually serve you in the future.

If you’re struggling to move on from a breakup, even though you know it’s time, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling.

Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating.  The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship.  For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”

Staying friends with an ex is controversial.  Some swear it’s a terrible idea, and others have been successful at doing so.  The answer to whether or not you should stay friends with your ex is not as straightforward as you might hope.  Everybody’s situation is different.  Ask yourself the questions below for help making this very individualized decision:

Are you safe?

If your ex was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, the answer to this question is an automatic “no.”  Although it’s hard to say goodbye to an ex, even if the relationship was toxic, protecting your safety has to be a top priority.  To cope with feelings of heartbreak or loneliness in a healthy way, spend more time with your friends, join a support group, pick up a new hobby, or start going to therapy.  The sadness you feel now won’t last forever.  Soon, you’ll thank yourself for moving on from something that wasn’t healthy.

How will your decision affect future relationships?

When deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex, play the mental tape forward to when you’re ready to begin a new relationship.  Will having your ex in your life prolong your ability to feel ready to be with someone else?  How might your next partner react if you tell them you’re hanging out with your ex?  The answers to these questions will likely depend on the seriousness of you and your ex-partner’s relationship.  Be honest with yourself as you answer them, and set yourself up for future success.

Is there still chemistry?

Chemistry in a friendship can make it...well...hard to stay just friends!  Ask yourself how likely it is that you’ll be tempted to be romantic or sexual with your ex while trying to have a friendly hangout.  Even if you know you can resist, is your friendship worth the agony of longing?

What are the benefits?

Sometimes, maintaining or rekindling a friendship with an ex can be healing.  You may also genuinely like your ex and consider them a valuable addition to your social circle.  Before deciding, weigh the costs and benefits of a friendship.  If you’re struggling to identify any benefits, get curious about your real motives, and decide accordingly.

Although it can seem like everyone has their own opinion on whether or not friendship with an ex is a good- or even possible- idea, the truth is there is no one “right” decision.  Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex requires considering many factors and using self-honesty and wisdom.  Considering the history of your relationship, the current state of it, and your potential future relationships can help you put the decision in context and make the choice most likely to serve you in the long run.

Related Articles:

The Best Way To Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters

The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that old saying, “They always come back”?  Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere.  In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex.  And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.

Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes, they’re bored.  Sometimes, they’re lonely.  If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past.  Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.

Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:

Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect.  Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge.  If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.

Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt.  Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back.  Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting.  Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business.  Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.

Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody.  There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately.  In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.

Ask Yourself These Questions

What am I feeling?

The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions.  It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling.  Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them.  You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.

How are my emotions influencing my decision?

Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10.  Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response.  If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix.  If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences.  Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.

How will responding impact me emotionally?

Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back.  How about an hour after?  How about next week?  In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness.  In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.

Takeaways

Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting.  Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight.  Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point.  When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.