Understanding Vicarious Trauma

By Mark Deremer, LPC, CCTP

True or false? You must be injured or in the hospital to experience trauma. FALSE.

As a society, we are often taught that trauma is a personal encounter and if we aren’t hurt or in the hospital, we haven’t experienced trauma. In realty, trauma comes in all shapes and sizes.

Trauma is an emotional response to a disturbing event like an accident, crime or natural disaster that overwhelms an individual’s ability to cope.

What happens when you identify with the pain of people who have endured something terrible? Witnessing a horrible event or situation involving someone you care about can result in Vicarious Trauma or Secondary Trauma.

When you identify with the pain of people who have endured trauma, you can bring their fear, grief or anger into your own experience. When we experience something so overwhelming, our mind and body might adapt to help us cope in the moment, but this also might leave us with unprocessed trauma down the road.

Symptoms of vicarious trauma look similar to those of someone that has experienced the trauma firsthand and can range from anxiety to depression. Later in life, it’s common to feel emotional trauma even though you might not have personally experienced the traumatic event firsthand. This could stem from a child seeing his or her sibling being abused by a parent or even a health professional who engages empathetically with survivors of traumatic incidents.

Traumatic situations that cause post-trauma symptoms vary from person to person and can occur at any age. Exposure to trauma manifests itself in many ways, from the psychological to the emotional and even the physical.

SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF VICARIOUS TRAUMA

Symptoms of Vicarious Trauma fall into five categories:
• Emotional symptoms: feeling anxious or sad; irritability and anger; changes in mood or sense of humor; angry or numb
• Behavioral symptoms: increased substance abuse or drinking; risky behavior; social withdrawal
• Physiological symptoms: increased signs of physical illness like headaches, rashes or stomach pains; difficulty sleeping
• Cognitive symptoms: memory problems; difficulty making decisions; increased negativity
• Spiritual symptoms: loss of hope or sense of purpose; discouragement or feeling disconnected

TREATING VICARIOUS TRAUMA

You are not alone! Self-care and social support from loved ones are great places to start. Make time to engage in activities that support your overall wellbeing.

Trauma therapy is also one of the best ways to cope with trauma of any kind. It will help confront distorted thinking patterns along with other negative reactions/actions and identify other symptoms related to your vicarious trauma. A therapist can help teach you new coping skills to use when you’re feeling the effects of Vicarious Trauma.

Just remember, it’s never too late to show yourself the same level of compassion that you show others.

Be Your Own Valentine This Year

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Gifts, candy, flowers, fancy dinners and cards filled with romantic messages. That must mean Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! Let me let you in on a little secret: you don’t need a romantic partner to have a love-filled Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is historically devoted to celebrating our most loved relationships with friends, family and romantic partners. If you’re coupled up, you might expect to get engaged, have sex, receive gifts and be spoiled on February 14. If expectations aren’t met, you might be left feeling disappointment or even resentment towards your partner. If you’re single, not meeting those same exceptions can leave you feeling inadequate or in a state of self-doubt. This can be a trigger for many people and that’s 100% ok.

This Valentine’s Day, I challenge you to try something different: focus on the most important person in your life… YOU! I encourage you to devote time to celebrate self-love and self-compassion.

It’s important to remember a few things. Self-love isn’t selfish. Self-compassion isn’t meaningless. And self-care isn’t indulgent. In fact, self-love plays a huge role in overall human connection and can improve your mental and physical health.

There are three types of self-love:
1. Mental (self-acceptance)
2. Psychological (self-respect)
3. Physical (how you see yourself)

Learning to love yourself takes time and effort, but the benefits that come with self-love can also be extremely rewarding. So, where do you start? Here are a few self-love gestures to practice this Valentine’s Day (and every day)!

MAKE TIME FOR THINGS YOU LOVE

What sparks joy? What makes you smile? Do you love writing, meditating, drawing, cooking, listening to music? You deserve to give yourself permission to do what you love! Engaging in activities that you enjoy boosts energy and elevates your mood.

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

Whether it’s a workout at the gym, a walk around the neighborhood or yoga session, exercising encourages the body to release feel-good endorphins. Getting physical (with yourself) can go beyond the gym, too! When we engage with our bodies and better understand our own needs, it can help create a more intimate and conscious self-connection.

Masterbation is an act of self-love. This Valentine’s Day, take the time to give your body what it’s craving. Touch yourself how and where you want in order to feel pleasure. When you orgasm, your body releases dopamine and oxytocin AKA the love hormone responsible for those warm and cuddly feelings. Plus, who doesn’t like feeling good?!

TELL YOURSELF SOMETHING KIND

When was the last time you wrote someone a love letter? Try writing a love letter to yourself! What are 10 things you love about yourself? Words of affirmation are important and can leave filled with positivity! Sometimes we forget how important it is to fill up our own love tank before we can give it to others!

ALL THE FEELS

When February 14 rolls around, you might feel sad. You might be missing someone you recently lost. You might have recently ended a relationship with someone you loved. You deserve to give yourself the space you need to experience and feel your emotions. Cry it out if you want. Mad or angry? Channel your anger and turn it into something positive through meditation or journaling. Everything you are feeling is valid.

TAKE A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK

If you’re scrolling on Valentine’s Day, you’re most likely going to see two things; people that loathe Valentine’s Day and those excited to show off the gestures of love and affection that might have received. Both are entirely ok and acceptable. Just be mindful that social media can add stress and might trigger anxiety for some people. Try turning off notifications or leaving your phone in the other room for a little bit. This will ultimately give you more time to focus on the things you enjoy!

A little self-love can go a long way! Whether you’re single or taken, it’s important to pamper yourself with the same kind of love and kindness that you’d shower anyone else with this Valentine’s Day (and beyond)!

Tackling Seasonal Affective Disorder

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

It’s cold. The days are getting shorter and it’s dark by 4pm. For some, this provides a great opportunity to spend quality time focusing on themselves. For others, it can provide opportunities to spend quality time with loved ones like watching movies together on the couch, cooking a family meal or even exploring the seasonal changes outdoors (snowball fight!).

But, for those that suffer from SAD or Seasonal Affective Disorder, it’s quite the opposite. You might lose interest in the activities that you used to enjoy or distance yourself from friends and family. You might feel sad, have a hard time focusing or experience fatigue that can limit your motivation, resulting in sleep and eating issues. Just remember, there is nothing wrong with any of this and you are not alone. 

WINTER BLUES VS SADNESS

Many of us have experienced the winter blues. In fact,  it's often connected to a specific occurrence like the stress of the holidays. The good thing? The winter blues usually go away quickly on their own. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a clinical diagnosis that is related to the shortening of daylight hours and changes in the seasons. It begins and ends at the same time each year. 

For most people, symptoms start in the fall and continue into the winter months - for others, SAD can be the root of depression in the spring or early summer, improving by the time fall or winter rolls around. 

Unfortunately, we can’t wave a magic wand and change the seasons, but there are strategies to lessen the severity of the symptoms associated with SAD and the winter blues.

LIGHT AND SEASONAL DEPRESSION

Shorter days are a trigger for SAD. With fall comes beautiful changes in the leaves and winter often brings about peaceful, white blankets of snow.

However, reduced sunlight in fall and winter can mess with your body’s internal clock. Your 24-hour clock responds to your surroundings, including the light and dark around you. During the day, your brain sends signals to help keep you awake. At night, your brain produces melatonin, which helps you sleep. When daylight is shorter, it can alter your body’s natural rhythm resulting in SAD. 

In winter, try getting outside! It’s cold, yes, but the sunlight helps balance serotonin activity, increases vitamin D levels, balances your circadian rhythm and more - helping lead to an improved emotional state! Stuck in the office or at home? Try sitting by a sunny window for a couple of hours a day. 

Sitting in front of a light box daily is another common form of treatment for people with SAD. Studies show that light therapy can relieve SAD symptoms for as much as 70% of patients after a couple of weeks! 

GET MOVING!

Physical activity can boost your mood, decrease symptoms of depression and reduce stress. It’s a great, natural, way to fight the imbalance of brain neurotransmitters that can lead to depression. Try finding something that you enjoy! It doesn’t even have to be a trip to the gym, but walking, dancing or playing with your kids can all be great forms of exercise. 

EAT YOUR VEGGIES

Food makes us feel good! Besides being delicious, it nourishes the body and can influence your appetite and overall mood. Green, leafy veggies (think spinach, collard greens) and fatty fish high in B12 and omega-3 fatty acids have been shown to improve mood and decrease symptoms of SAD. Limiting processed foods can also help reduce inflammation within our bodies, which can lead to depression.

YOU ARE LOVED

Connecting with loved ones can also help tackle seasonal depression. In person, ZOOM, phone calls, you name it! Try to keep in touch with friends and family even if you want to hunker down by yourself. Your social circle and participating in regular activities can provide a human connection that is so important to your overall mental health. Remember the saying, laughter is the best medicine? It’s true!

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT can help individuals with SAD by finding and uprooting negative thought patterns. At ELC, we use this type of talk therapy with our clients to help uncover engaging activities that were once enjoyable and work them into your daily schedule. In time, this can lead to reduced anxiety and a more positive viewpoint on the season(s).

YOU GOT THIS

It can be a struggle to overcome SAD on your own. Just remember, there are ways to combat seasonal depression! 

Benefits of Anxiety

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Anxiety. It can be crippling. It can be messy and unpredictable. It can affect your quality of life. But, what if I told you that anxiety can also play a beneficial role in your everyday life? By learning how to cope with anxiety symptoms, you can better address habits caused by anxiety. And if channeled right, turn those habits into something beautiful!

FIGHT OR FLIGHT

Anxiety is meant to protect us from danger and allows us to react faster in problematic situations. Research has found that people with anxiety are better at responding to threats because their brains process potential dangers more effectively. 

People with anxiety may find that they have an overactive fight or flight response. If you find yourself in a situation worried about what could go wrong, try thinking of a scenario when things went the opposite of how they should and how you still handled it like a rockstar. Remember, you are capable! 

MOTIVATION

Anxiety can actually increase your motivation to take action in a problematic situation. It can encourage you to work more diligently to avoid failure and successfully complete the task at hand. Your anxiety might even give you a little boost to accomplish your goals! Try thinking about the ways that your anxiety incentivizes you to be the best version of yourself. 

LEADERSHIP + RELATIONSHIPS

Individuals with anxiety can also be fantastic leaders. If you have anxiety, you might be highly aware of what can potentially go wrong, in turn making you extra cautious when making important decisions. Studies have shown that people with anxiety are also more concerned about how they interact with others. Those that have experienced personal struggles are often more accepting of family, friends and their peers that are facing their own issues.

---

Anxiety is the most common mental illness, affecting 40 million US adults every year. Even if you don’t have an anxiety disorder, you can still experience situational episodes when under pressure. So next time you feel a tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach, try understanding the root of your anxiety and use it to your advantage! 

LOVE LANGUAGE AND AFFIRMATION

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Sometimes it can be tough to understand our partners. One partner might emotionally express love differently than their better half.


Say hello, to Love Language: how we receive and express love in a relationship. Each person has a primary love language that we must learn to speak if we want that person to feel loved.

When you understand your partner’s love language and vice versa, it can help you navigate each other’s exceptions and needs. But, showing your partner that you care can’t be that hard, right? Many couples actually struggle to do this and that’s 100% normal!

In the early 1990s, Dr. Gary Chapman published his book, “The 5 Love Languages” after seeing a pattern in the couples that he was counseling: they were misunderstanding one another and their needs. That led to his discovery of the five love languages that people might respond to: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. These love languages are present not just in romantic relationships, but can be uncovered in friendships and family connections, too! 

Today, we are going to focus on WORDS OF AFFIRMATION.

Words of affirmation are any spoken or written words that can confirm, support, uplift and empathize with another person in a positive way. Often times, when a person is drawn to words of affirmation as their love language, it’s because they believe words matter to help give them a literal voice to how they feel inside.

How do you know if words of affirmation is your love language? When your partner offers compliments, words of encouragement or even a simple “I love you,” do you feel the most happy or get butterflies inside? If that resonates with you, words of affirmation might be your love language!

If your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, having an open line of communication is also very important because harsh words and criticism can have lasting feelings and effects.

When it comes down to it, everyone differs in the ways that they want to receive love. By learning to give love in the ways that your partner can best receive it, and by asking your partner to do the same, you can build stronger relationships and bonds.

Navigating Relationships and Politics

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Now more than ever, political viewpoints are popping up in our daily lives and that includes impacting close relationships. Navigating a relationship with a friend, family member or romantic partner who has a different political view than you can be challenging - but NOT impossible!

Being able to have candid conversations with our partners is important to the longevity of our relationships. So, where do you begin?

COMMON GROUND

Seeking and identifying areas of common ground between both sides of a relationship is a great place to start. Try exploring your shared values. Try to understand how and why you came together in the first place, along with discussing your current common goals and dreams. All of this can help resurface those deep-rooted similarities and shared values - making areas of disagreement feel less intense. Remember, it’s not always just about the politics!

WANTING WHAT’S BEST

As polarized politics become a more prominent topic of conversation, remember that your partner chose their political candidate or side because it resonated with their own values. Understanding this can lead to a deeper knowledge of one another’s perceptions, morals and personal experiences. Instead of making assumptions, try asking questions like this: “What specific values shape your political views?” Or, dig even deeper by asking, “What specific value backs this specific belief?” You might be pleasantly surprised with what you uncover and learn.

LISTEN

Be present and go in with an open mind. Make an effort to dedicate uninterrupted time to sit with your friend, family member or partner to discuss certain political topics. Try not defend your viewpoints, but listen to the beliefs on the other side. What you both have to say is important! 

The goal of these sometimes difficult discussions is to see how and why someone arrived at their opinion. This style of listening can even benefit other areas of your relationship, too! Try to keep these conversations light-hearted. If things get heated, take a break, and come back with one goal in mind - wanting to understand without judgment. 

Disagreeing doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal breaker in a relationship, either. Remember, you don’t have to agree on everything, but by accepting our differences and understanding the root of them, the opportunity to build stronger, healthier relationships with others and ourselves can present itself!

Better Sex vs More Sex

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you want better sex, you need to start talking about it! As we start the new year, I try to encourage my clients to explore how to make their relationships more pleasurable - in and out of the bedroom!

Instead of focusing on if you’re having ENOUGH sex, try to consider whether or not you’re experiencing enough pleasure and connection with your partner(s).

Better sex > more sex

These ideas can not only improve your solo or partnered sex life, but your life as a whole!

---

YOU LOOK GOOD

To me, being sexy is about the attitude you exude, not how you look physically. Society often gives us the perception that we need to look a certain way in order to be sexy. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! Self-confidence is about feeling good in the skin you’re in and being aware of your inner and outer beauty.

When we haven't developed a comfortable and intimate relationship with ourselves, it makes it harder to build an open, comfortable and intimate sexual relationship with someone else.

So, strip down, get naked and take a moment to celebrate YOUR body. Admire yourself and remember that you are beautiful because you are YOU!

PARTY OF 1, PLEASE

Self-pleasure and self-esteem are positively connected. When touching yourself, pay attention to your body’s response - what feels good, how and where you like to be touched. Masterbation lets us explore new sensations and stimulations that might not have been experienced yet with a partner. Try using this information to your advantage!

Pleasuring yourself in front of your partner is a vulnerable experience that can also encourage intimacy, sparking new techniques in the bedroom. Giving your partner a glimpse into how you touch yourself is a major turn on, but this type of vulnerability encourages closeness between partners.

COMMUNICATION

True or False? Our partners naturally know what turns us on, what we like/don’t like in bed and how we like to be touched and caressed. In reality, this isn’t always the case and that’s OK! Opening yourself up to having these sometimes awkward conversations with your partner is a great place to start.

Do you like being touched in a certain way? Trying out a new technique on your partner and not sure if they are into it? Encourage your partner to tell you what’s working and what isn’t. If you want more of something or a different technique, speak up! Things like “I love when you do that” or “just a little harder” can go a long way. The key here is to be open to constructive feedback without judgment. This valuable information can be used to fulfill both partners, in and out of the bedroom.

TRY SOMETHING NEW

Spice up your (sex) life and excite your partner! Try sending them dirty text messages during the day as an anticipation of what’s to come after work. Explore new positions, bring sex toys into the mix or change locations (it’s not always about the bed). Incorporate costumes or role play into your sexual activities.

All of these things can help break you out of your usual habits, which can lead to more exploration and better sex.

---

Ask we embark on 2022, try to use this opportunity to change old relationship habits, commit to better sexual experiences, and ultimately improve your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Remember, it’s not always about having more sex, but when you focus on better sex and communication with yourself and your partner, the outcome might surprise you! 

4 Relationship Myths To Stop Believing Today

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever wished you had closer relationships?  I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but also friendships, family relationships, and even acquaintance-level relationships that have the potential to grow deeper.

Relationships are essential for wellbeing, as they provide a sense of comfort, belonging, and security.  Studies have shown that individuals with more relationships have greater life expectancies and recovery rates from illnesses than those with fewer connections.  While surface-level relationships count in this category and can have a positive impact on mental and physical health, it’s the deeper, more intimate relationships that are known to reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation the most.

If you’ve been making an effort to attend social events and meet people, yet you’re still having trouble relating to others on a deeper level, you may be abiding by some false relationship beliefs that are damaging your connections.  Read below to figure out if any of the following relationship myths are blocking you from building more meaningful relationships with others.

“If I talk about something I’m struggling with, I’ll be a burden.”

One of the primary reasons why people need each other is for the ability to share their struggles.  You’ve likely heard your network of relationships referred to as your “support system.”  This is why.  Next time you’re struggling with something, try opening up a little bit to the friend you trust the most.  Their body language and verbal response will tell you whether or not it’s safe to open up more.  If you’ve never done this before, you’ll likely be surprised at how much other people are willing to listen and offer support.

“If I disagree with someone, it will end our relationship.”

Not only are disagreements normal, they’re also healthy!  In fact, one of the worst things you can do for a relationship is pretend to be okay with something when you’re really not.  Doing this creates false expectations and makes it harder to be your true self later on in the relationship.  Realizing that you and a friend or romantic partner disagree on something creates an opportunity to learn from one another, grow, and develop conflict resolution skills.  

“If I talk about myself, I’ll monopolize the conversation.”

Talking about yourself is a requirement if you want to build and deepen relationships.  It’s how people get to know you.  If you’re worried that you’re talking too much about yourself, try inserting some questions into your end of the conversation.  This will provide an opportunity to see where you and the other person are alike and which interests you share.

“If I don’t say 100% of what I’m thinking and feeling, I won’t be authentic.”

While yes, authenticity is important, filtering is equally as essential.  Speaking your mind 100% of the time comes off as abrasive and can scare away many of the people you had the chance of building healthy relationships with.  There are some occasions that warrant being blunt, such as if your boundaries are crossed or someone is asking you to do something against your values, but otherwise, being diplomatic is a better choice.  Avoid gossipping, complaining about minor issues, oversharing, and stirring the pot by bringing up controversial topics.

While the myths above are quite common, they are untrue and can be damaging to relationships.  Do a thorough examination of your interactions with others to see if you’re falling into any of these traps without even realizing it.  Then, re-enter the same social spaces with your new set of beliefs.  You’d be surprised how far some simple changes in thinking can impact the way you show up in relationships with others.

Try Something Different in December

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We’re heading into the new year fast.  There’s a lot to do and I’m sure your calendar is filling up, I know mine is!  You might find that your thoughts are largely hanging out in the future - anticipating events, making to-do lists, booking travel, etc.  Not to mention, come Jan. 1 the good ol’ New Years Resolutions start popping up in your social media feeds or are a topic amongst family and friends.

Who doesn’t like new beginnings and fresh starts?  So it’s natural to set our sights on the next year.  However, I’d like to propose something a bit different.  This year, why don’t we take this month to begin reflecting back on the year that has unfolded.  Sure, you’ll see the news recap of the major headlines.  You may get your Spotify Wrapped list.  But have you taken inventory of what the year was like for you?  Here are some questions to reflect back on:

Biggest Successes

Think back all the way to January 2021 - remember we were all still pretty much in lock down still. What do you feel you made progress toward this year?  Think professionally, personally, with family and friends, or various hobbies?

Most Grateful For

Allow your gratitude to extend beyond Thanksgiving.  This year, take a look back on what you felt fortunate to have, encounter, experience, be a part of, get, and give.  Who in your life has made the most positive impact?  What kept you going?

Moments of Regret

While we may want to only ponder the positives, it’s important to learn by observing the things we wished we did differently.  As you think about this, however, try to do it judgement-free.  We all do things we wish we could take back, we all make mistakes, but let’s learn from them.

The Hardest Moments You Got Through

As the saying goes, you’ve gotten through every bad day you’ve ever had.  Take a moment to reflect back on how you managed to get through them and if you’re still in a hard moment, realize that you’ve gotten through to the other side before.

The Most Joy Filled Moments

When did you experience moments where you were joyful?  What took your breath away or filled you with awe?  When did you feel most connected?  List out the memories of this year you never want to forget.

Though our tendency is to want to keep moving forward, allow yourself time and space to reflect.  Mentally bookmark the things you want to hold onto.  I wish you all a happy and reflective New Year!

How To Be a Good Friend This Holiday Season

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Halloween is over, and that means the winter holiday season is here!  Everybody knows that this time of year is incredibly busy.  Stress runs high as schedules fill up with travel, holiday parties, gift shopping, and preparing for guests.  Spending time with friends can easily get pushed to the back burner.  If you haven’t received a “Let’s get together after the Holidays” text, it’s likely only a matter of time.

Pushing off unnecessary plans may seem like a helpful way to relieve stress, but really, research shows that spending time with friends is actually the antidote to stress!  Study after study goes to show that people with tight-knit social networks typically experience lower blood pressure, better sleep, less stress, and a greater perceived ability to take on difficult tasks than those without close friendships.

This Holiday Season, set a goal for yourself to keep in touch with your friends.  Take the initiative to be a good friend, and watch as this often difficult time of year begins to feel a whole lot easier and much more enjoyable.

Prioritize

Not all friendships are equally deserving of your time and effort.  This is especially true when availability in your schedule is scarce.  Differentiate between active and passive friendships and focus your energy on tending to the active.

Active friendships are the ones that mean the most to you.  The people who belong in this category are the ones who you learn from, who challenge you, who you can confide in, and with whom you find joy.  Passive friendships are the ones that require less attention.  Passive friends may include coworkers or people you run into at the gym.  Though you may like them, they’re not the people you’re very close to or spend a great deal of time with.

Schedule Friend Dates

Make sure you have enough time to spend with friends this season by intentionally scheduling meetings with them into your calendar the way you would a work meeting or a massage.  This may seem unnecessary or silly.  That is, until you remember the extensive benefits of maintaining social relationships.

Since you likely have other obligations, like family or a job, optimize your schedule by planning friend dates during times that you already have carved out in your day, such as during lunch or while your kids are at holiday parties of their own.

Create a Tradition

Creating a holiday tradition with friends ensures that no matter how busy you all get throughout the year, you have a specific time and event set aside to get together.  Plan an annual cookie exchange or trip to the Christmas tree farm, or perhaps decide to reunite once a year for lunch at a festive restaurant, like Chicago’s The Walnut Room.

Give a Gift

Gift giving is a way of showing love and appreciation in numerous cultures around the world.  The point of giving a gift is not to show off with extravagant, pricey items.  Rather, give a gift that comes from the heart, like a trinket you picked up while traveling or even a card.  Giving small but meaningful gifts shows friends that you were thinking of them when you picked it out, and at a time of year where most people are focused on anything but themselves, a gesture like this from a friend can go a long way.

It’s the Small Things

Being a good friend this Holiday Season does not require you to stretch yourself incredibly thin, spend a ton of money, or blow off other priorities.  There are plenty of simple, yet meaningful ways to connect with others in your circle.  Whether you’re reaching out to schedule a mid-shopping coffee date or sending a funny holiday meme, just knowing that you care may be exactly what a friend needs when drowning in a sea of wrapping paper.

5 Strategies To Boost Your Confidence Fast

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’m not good enough,” “Nobody likes me,” or, “All I do is mess up,” you’ve likely struggled with low self-esteem.  Self-esteem refers to the amount of worth you believe you have as a person or the way you view yourself in comparison to the person you believe you “should” be.  Research shows that individuals with high self-esteem tend to have more positive social relationships1 and better overall quality of life, while those with low self-esteem are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, and addiction2.

Chronic low self-esteem is often a product of negative experiences that need to be addressed in ongoing therapy.  However, we have all been in situations when what we need most is an immediate confidence boost, such as before a job interview or date.  These 5 strategies can help you feel better about yourself quickly if you’re caught in the trenches of self-deprecation or doubt:

The 5-Finger Exercise

This exercise is fast, easy, and can be done just about anywhere.  To do the 5-Finger Exercise, start by touching your thumb to your index finger and think about a time when you felt loved.  Then, touch your thumb to your middle finger and remember a time when you felt successful.  Touch your ring finger next and recall a time when you felt helpful, kind, or generous.  Last, touch your thumb to your pinky finger and remember a time when you loved and cared for someone else.  If you can try to think of situations that occurred during the past week.

Self-Compassion

Practicing self-compassion is one of the most effective ways to feel better about yourself fast.  Self-compassion is defined as kindness to yourself, especially in the midst of adversity or failure.  The trick is to catch yourself in the act of beating yourself up and replace your negative self-talk with something warm and supportive.  Consider what you would say to the person you love the most if they were in the same situation.  Most of the time, we are much kinder to others than to ourselves.

Addressing the Inner Critic

You may have already noticed that you are constantly engaging in mental conversations with yourself, otherwise known as an internal dialogue.  The inner critic is the voice in your head that shames, belittles, and criticizes you, usually in a misguided attempt to improve yourself or avoid making a mistake again.  Pay attention to your inner dialogue, and when you notice it getting harsh, try separating what your inner critic is saying from the actual facts of the situation.

For example, you may notice yourself thinking, “Wow, I am such a loser.  I can’t believe I’m 15 minutes late to this interview.”  First, identify this statement as one coming from your inner critic.  Then, use rational thought to identify the facts and problem solve.  You may say, “Well, it’s possible that I can redeem myself.  I’ll try apologizing and be sure to talk about how much I learned at my last internship.”

Tackling Cognitive Distortions

Cognitive distortions are inaccurate ways of thinking that can really do a number on your confidence.  One of the most common is the act of “mind reading,”  or assuming that you know what another person is thinking.  For instance, in the example given above, you may assume that your interviewer is thinking, “This person’s already a definite ‘no.’ Who shows up late to an interview?” when in fact, they may have been late to an interview of their own in the past and therefore be more understanding than you think.

Another popular cognitive distortion is called “global labeling.”  Global labeling means making an overall statement about yourself, such as, “Everybody hates me,” or “I can’t do anything right.”  All-or-nothing beliefs like this are likely untrue and can be very damaging to your self-esteem. Try replacing them with more accurate statements, like, “Some people don’t like me, but others do,” or “I make mistakes, but I also do things right.”

Reframing Mistakes

There are 5 main reasons behind why people make mistakes. 

1. Ignorance- lack of knowledge about something

2. Forgetting- the experience of something accidentally slipping your mind

3. Denial of consequences- engaging in something that is instantly gratifying while ignoring negative possible outcomes

4. No alternatives- feeling like you have no choice but to do something, even if it doesn’t seem like a good idea

5. Automatic habits- unconscious behaviors that require intentional effort to correct

If you think about the last time you messed up, one of these factors was likely the cause.  Remember that you are human.  Everybody has made mistakes caused by at least one of these issues at some point or another.  Understanding the reasons behind a mistake you’ve made can help you avoid the pitfall of believing you made it because you’re a defective person.

While some of these practices may seem like quick-fixes, they can be highly effective in helping you change your perspective on yourself and your circumstances.  Catching yourself in negative thoughts and using these tactics can prevent you from spiraling into shame and boost your confidence quickly as you continue forth in your journey of creating a positive self-image.  To begin deeper, longer-term self-compassion and/or self-esteem work, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling today.

Trusting Your Gut - Can It Really Help You Choose a Partner?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The disappearance and later discovered death of Gabby Petito along with the speculation that her now missing boyfriend could have been the culprit has caused many to offer this advice: Trust your gut.  If you think something’s off about a person, it probably is.

Usually, we’re not wondering if our partners are potential killers, but rather whether or not they are a good fit for us long-term.  Read on to learn what experts have to say about whether or not trusting your gut feeling is an effective way to make decisions.

Your “Second Brain”

Most people are aware of brain chemicals such as dopamine (the reward chemical) and serotonin (the happy chemical).  What you may not know is that 95% of your body’s serotonin and over 50% of its dopamine are actually created in your gut.  Neural connections between your brain and your gut are incredibly strong, causing some researchers to refer to the gut as “the second brain.”  Gut intuition is more than just a mystical feeling.  It’s a scientifically backed phenomenon that can have a serious impact on your mood and decision making process.

Faster Than Your Conscious Mind

Several studies have been conducted on the accuracy of gut feelings.  In one, participants were asked to identify their own voices while listening to recordings themselves and others.  While the subjects struggled to pick out the recordings of their own voices, devices hooked up to their hands measured increases in perspiration when their own voices played.  The conclusion drawn from this study was that while the mind may be slow to recognize information, our bodies are able to respond much faster.

Decision Complexity

A different study revealed that when it came to making complex decisions, such as buying a house, participants were more satisfied with their choices when they made them intuitively as opposed to after extensive analysis.  The act of making a choice based on a gut feeling came to be known as “deliberation without attention.”  Researchers determined that this is because when the decision is more complex, you’re likely to only consider a subset of relevant factors, weighing the importance of each factor incorrectly.

Intuition Isn’t Everything

None of this is to say that careful thought and consideration aren’t important.  Analysis is crucial in certain situations, such as when running a business.  It’s also important to ask yourself whether or not the person you’re dating shares the same values as you, desires the same type of lifestyle, and has qualities that would make them a good future partner and/or parent.  These factors need to be taken into account, even if you’re head over heels in love and you feel nothing but the warm fuzzies when you’re around them.

Look for Patterns

Intuition is formed by your past experiences.  Negative gut feelings often come from your body’s recognition of threats you’ve experienced in the past.  It’s what helped our ancestors determine friend or foe.  If you saw several friends attacked by bears in the past, you’d probably run from any big furry animal in the woods, even if you couldn’t identify it.

If you’re sensing a negative gut reaction to your partner or the idea of a relationship with someone, ask yourself if it’s potentially due to an unhealthy pattern in the past.  Does this person do some of the same things a toxic ex used to do?  Are they in a similar situation job-wise as a past partner who couldn’t provide?  Are they showing warning signs of abuse you’ve read about before?  Ask yourself what may be going on that’s contributing to your sense of unease, and try to explore possibilities with as much self-honesty as possible.

Better Safe Than Sorry

If you’re in a relationship that continuously feels off but you’re not sure why, remember the research above.  It’s possible that your unconscious mind is picking up on something you haven’t consciously realized yet.  If you can’t shake the feeling, skip the trouble of trying to reassure yourself.  Chances are, your gut knows something you don’t.  Look for someone who brings you a sense of ease and security instead.  If there’s anything recent news has taught us, it’s that it’s better safe than sorry.

Why Do You Keep Procrastinating, and How Can You Stop?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?

The answer:  All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.

Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control.  However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower.  Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.

Read on to learn more about why you procrastinate and how you can stop.

Reason 1:  You Fear Failure

One of the most common reasons people procrastinate is the fear of failure.  Maybe you’ve been wanting to learn Spanish for the past 3 years, but because you know it won’t be easy, you still haven’t signed up for a class.

Tips:

• If the idea of failure feels scary to you, ask yourself why.  What experiences have you had with failure in the past?  

• Look up inspirational quotes on failure to remind yourself that it’s a normal experience and often an important part of learning.  

• Put your past failures in perspective by identifying at least one new thing you learned from each experience.

Reason 2:  You Fear Success

Believe it or not, many people fear success.  When you succeed at something, you set a new bar for yourself.  Expectations of you become greater.  For example, if you apply for a new job and get it, you’re then expected to perform well at that job.  This can feel like a great deal of pressure and lead to procrastination of tasks you’ll likely succeed at.

Tips:

• Maintain a “cheering squad” of the people closest to you who can help you feel supported and capable of taking on new challenges.  

• Recall past successes and times you exceeded your own expectations.

Reason 3:  Perfectionism

Perfectionism often accompanies the fear of failure.  If you struggle with perfectionism, you may believe that being any less than perfect at something reduces your personal value.  Expecting yourself to be perfect can lead to anxiety, a common culprit behind perfectionism.

Tips:

• Remember the principle of diminishing returns.  The longer you obsess over something that’s already good enough, the less effective the time you spend on it becomes.  For example, studying for a test for 5 hours can help you get an A instead of a D.  However, spending an extra 5 hours studying will impact your grade less.  The difference between a D and an A is far more significant than the difference between an A and an A+.

• Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of your worth, even if you aren’t perfect.

• Hold yourself to the same standards you hold your friends to.  Chances are you’re way less hard on them than you are yourself.

Reason 4:  You’re Overwhelmed

If you have a ton of tasks on your to-do list, getting started on just one of them can feel like a challenge.  The same is true for getting started on a project that you know will take you a lengthy amount of time.

Tips:

• Build in rewards.  Do something enjoyable after completing each item on your list, or chunk your project/assignment into smaller pieces and reward yourself after completing each one.

• Eliminate any unnecessary tasks.

• Prioritize what’s most important and tackle that first.

• Delegate responsibilities to others when you can.

• Combine tasks.  For example, if you have to do laundry and run errands, throw your clothes in the washing machine and run errands while they’re washing.

• Plan ahead for when you’re going to work by putting necessary tasks in your calendar.

Reason 5:  You Don’t Know What To Do

The final reason why you may be procrastinating is because you simply don’t know what to do!  For example, if your car needs an oil change, and you have no idea how to do it, you’re probably going to put it off.

Tips:

• Ask yourself if the goal is too big.  In this case, maybe it would be easier to take the car to a mechanic than to learn how to change the oil yourself.

• Seek guidance from others who have done the task before in order to learn how to do it.

• Think of similar situations you’ve encountered.  Remember how you handled them, and see if you can apply those skills to this situation, too.

Beating yourself up and calling yourself lazy because you’re procrastinating is rarely helpful.  Instead, seek to understand why you’re struggling with procrastination.  Knowing your reason will help you figure out what to do next in order to feel accomplished, productive, and more in control of the things you have to do.

Is There Really Such a Thing as Spending "Too Much" Time Together?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Love recognizes no barriers.”

-Maya Angelou

If you’ve ever called in sick, travelled across the country, or driven further over the speed limit than you’d like to admit in order to spend more time with your partner, then you know exactly how true this is.

When you’re in love, it can feel like all the time in the world with your partner is never enough.

It’s easy to lose track of how many nights in a row you slept at your partner’s or when the last time you called your best friend was.  Time together just feels so...good.

Spending quality time with your partner is incredibly important.  Missing each other when you’re apart is normal and often healthy.  Thinking about setting boundaries around the amount of time you spend together may sound like a total buzzkill, so why would you?

Boundaries around the time you spend with your partner can have relationship benefits such as increased attraction to one another and more enjoyment of your time together.

Spending too much time together can harm your relationship in the following ways:

Your Friends Stop Inviting You To Things

If you’re dating or married, you’re likely spending less time with your friends than you were when you were single.  However, if you’ve turned down so many invitations that your friends no longer ask you to hang out, there’s a good chance you’ve been spending too much time with your partner.  Having friends outside of your romantic partner is an important ingredient for good mental health.  Make sure you are spending time with them regularly.

You Get Irritable

Often, spending too much time with your partner results in annoyance with each other.  If your partner’s chewing is getting on your nerves or neutral things they do are starting to bother you, you probably need a break.

Your To-Do List Starts Getting Backed Up

Going on dates and sleeping in together requires sacrificing time you could be spending on other things.  An overflowing laundry basket or growing list of unanswered emails may be signs that you’ve been neglecting duties outside of your relationship.  Letting things pile up can create resentment for your partner.  Making sure you’re on top of your responsibilities can lower your anxiety and help you be more present when you’re together.

You Get Bored

Relationship expert and New York Times bestselling author, Esther Perel, writes “It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned [their] sense of autonomy.”  

Getting to know another person in all of their uniqueness is what makes relationships so exciting.  If you and your partner give up your hobbies and interests or spend almost all of your free time together, you lose the qualities that made you attractive to each other in the first place.

There’s a bonus, too: Perel explains that not only does some space between you and your partner make you more interesting to each other, it also makes you more attracted to one another.  Part of what makes the beginning of relationships so exciting is the element of mystery.  Time apart creates healthy levels of mystery in relationships, as well as increased intimacy when the two of you reconnect.

Setting boundaries around how much time you and your partner spend together doesn’t sound sexy.  Nevertheless, time apart can improve multiple facets of your relationship.  Consider planning time away from your partner as a short-term sacrifice in exchange for long-term benefits.

Helpful Texting Boundaries That Can Benefit Any New Relationship

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Few things in the early stages of a new relationship cause more anxiety than texting.  Most Millennials and Gen Z-ers are all too familiar with questions like, “When should I text them back?” “Am I overdoing it?” “Should I wait to respond because they took forever?” “How many emojis is too many?”

Communication between two people is always complex.  Unfortunately, there is no rulebook to tell you exactly how and when to respond to your crush.  There are, however, several guiding principles that can help you keep your texting conversations healthy and effective early on in relationships.  Read on to learn these helpful tips.

Don’t Play Games

If your romantic interest takes several hours to respond to one of your texts, you may be tempted to do the same, even if you saw their text right away.  You may have heard that this is a good idea, but actually, playing mind games, like “hard to get” can feel unnatural, anxiety-provoking, and even manipulative to both you and whoever is on the receiving end of them.  Avoid using calculated schemes to try and make your partner like you more.  The right person will show you they care without you having to use these kinds of tactics.

Save Serious Topics for In-Person

Part of getting to know a new romantic partner is having serious, sometimes difficult conversations about values, past relationships, and more.  Although it may seem easier to discuss these topics behind the safety of a keyboard, doing so can be very risky.  Texting leaves no room for important information gleaned from tone of voice or body language.  Forego the risk of misinterpreting what your partner is saying or being misunderstood, yourself.  As uncomfortable as it may be, have these kinds of conversations face-to-face.

Know Your Intentions

Have you ever sent a text just to see how the other person responds?  Have you ever done the opposite- not sent a text to see how the other person responds?  Oftentimes, we are unaware of our true intentions when we communicate.  Practice paying attention to what you’re really after when you text your partner.  Notice if your goal is to seek validation or test your new partner to see if they’re really interested.  Keep in mind that sending a message with these intentions may lead to unnecessary feelings of rejection if your partner doesn’t respond in the way you’d hoped.

Manage Expectations

Oftentimes, we expect others to communicate the same way we do.  You may be a quick replier while your partner waits until after work to check their phone.  When texting a new person, replace your expectations with curiosity about the other person’s texting style.  Remembering that there is no one “right way” to text will help prevent you from reading too much into the other person’s messages if they don’t exactly match the style of yours.

Normalize Short Texts

You know the old saying, “Less is more?”  This is often the case when it comes to texting a new romantic interest.  Consider texting as a means to make plans and figure out logistics.  Then, save the rest for in-person hangouts, phone conversations, or FaceTime calls.  Not only will this help you get to know each other better, it’ll also ward off the embarrassment caused by sending a long-winded text only to be met with a few words in return.

The uncertainty of a new relationship almost always causes some anxiety.  Following the suggestions above will help keep overthinking to a minimum when getting to know a romantic interest via text.  In summary, texting at this stage is best kept as a means of casual interaction and planning times when you and your partner can really get to know each other by going on dates.

These Mindfulness Hacks Will Change the Way You Think About Meditation

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Over the past decade, the practice of mindfulness has become increasingly popular.  If you follow any mental health social media accounts or podcasts, you’ve likely heard of its benefits, such as anxiety reduction, greater productivity, and even better relationships.  Often, when I suggest to my clients that they practice some form of mindfulness or meditation regularly, I am met with responses like, “I’ve never been good at that.  It’s so hard for me to turn off my thoughts and have a blank mind.”

A blank mind?  I can’t even imagine having a blank mind!  I remember meeting a man from India one time who had been practicing yoga for almost his entire life.  He told me that after 20 years of practicing meditation, he was able to sit with an entirely quiet mind for a maximum of 1 minute.  How, then, can we expect ourselves to do such a thing?

The belief that mindfulness is about silencing your mind is a myth- one that keeps many people from reaping the benefits of a regular practice.  Keep reading to learn how to practice mindfulness in a more relaxing, natural way.

Get Comfortable

Eventually, you will be able to practice mindfulness anywhere, such as at work, when you’re sitting in traffic, or even on a rollercoaster!  Crazy, right!?  Be patient.  This will come with time, but if you’re new to mindfulness, it’s easier to practice in an environment with few distractions.  Find a comfortable spot where you can be alone and unbothered before moving on to the next step.

Start with the Five Senses

Bringing your attention to your thoughts and feelings can seem like a difficult task if you’re not even able to be aware of what’s going on with you physically.  Mindfulness is about noticing things as they are.  Begin by noticing what you see around you, without looking for anything in particular.  Next, notice what you hear, followed by what you smell, taste, and feel on your skin, like the chair underneath you or your clothes on your skin.

Observe Your Inner World

Next, bring your attention to your thoughts.  This is where most people get stuck because they believe something different or special should be going on in their minds while practicing mindfulness.  Not the case!  You may notice that you’re thinking about a conversation you just had or what you’re cooking for dinner tonight.  Do the same with your emotions.  The goal of mindfulness is not to silence your thoughts or feelings, but rather to notice what they do on their own.

Change Your Perspective

Typically, when we think, we are in our thoughts, actively participating in them.  For example, if you notice the thought that you don’t know what you’re having for dinner, you may be tempted to start planning a trip to the grocery store.  Doing this actually takes you out of the present moment.  Try switching to the stance of an observer, watching your thoughts as if they were someone else’s.  Surrender control of them and notice how they come and go on their own.  

If you catch yourself getting hooked by a thought and participating in it rather than observing it, gently bring yourself back to the stance of the observer without self-criticism or judgment.  After all, your brain was just doing what it’s used to doing!

Cling To Nothing, Push Away Nothing

Often, if we come across a thought or emotion we don’t like, we try to change it.  When we like a thought or emotion we are having, we may try to cling to it.  All thoughts and emotions, if left alone, will come and go in their own time, just like waves rolling into and away from a beach.  As you observe your inner experience, allow your thoughts and feelings to linger as long as they’d like.  Notice how long they stick around when you let go of control over them.

Release Judgment

Judgment is a natural part of the human experience.  If mindfulness is hard for you in the beginning, you may notice harsh, self-critical thoughts or uncomfortable emotions like frustration or anxiety.  Treat these thoughts and feelings like all others.  Allow them to pass in their own time, remembering that all of this will get easier the more you do it.

Practice

Mindfulness is not as difficult as many people think, but that doesn’t mean it is necessarily easy.  When you first begin practicing, you may struggle to understand mindfulness concepts, or you may get hooked by your thoughts or distracted easily.  Try starting out by using a mindfulness app, like Headspace, to walk you through meditation as you do it.  Little by little, you’ll start discovering that you’re able to be mindful of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations throughout the day.  Even before getting to this level, mindfulness is worth practicing because of its ability to reduce anxiety, enhance life enjoyment, and help you get to know yourself better than ever before.

The Skill You Need To Start Getting What You Want

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Whether you are in a relationship, married, or single with most of your relationships being with friends, family, or coworkers, you’ve probably noticed how often other people do things that bother you.  Maybe you really hate when someone speaks to you in a condescending tone of voice or when people are late.  Or maybe it’s your partner never taking out the trash that’s been boiling your blood lately.

No matter what the specifics are, life would be a whole lot easier if other people would just do what you want them to do, right?  Well, maybe they can.

Assertiveness is a skill you can develop in order to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t out of other people.  Now, I’m not talking about manipulating people into giving you thousands of dollars or doing all of your household chores.  Assertiveness can be used to make reasonable requests that benefit your relationships, goals, and mental health, as well as those of the people you use the skill with.

For example, imagine a situation in which your boss asks you to pick up the extra work of an employee who recently quit.  You may say yes in order to be helpful, but what if your boss never ends up hiring anybody else?  What if they later asks you to take on the duties of yet another employee who quits?

You have several choices here.  One, you could choose to passively accept your boss’s request, even if you know working the extra hours will take away from your other priorities.  Two, you could be aggressive and say something like, “You really think you can just take advantage of me like that?  Who do you think you are!?”  Three, you could be passive aggressive by doing the extra work but intentionally doing it poorly in order to spite your boss.

The fourth and best option is to be assertive.  Here’s how:

Choose an appropriate time to have a conversation

Like, not on Friday at 4:55pm in the office parking lot.  Make sure you and whoever you are talking to have ample time for a discussion.  For best results, plan for a time when both of you are likely to be calm and undistracted.

Make Eye Contact

Nonverbal communication is just as important, if not more important, than what you say.  As you’re talking to your boss (or whoever else), resist the urge to let your eyes wander around the room out of discomfort.  Making eye contact will convey to the other person that you are serious about what you are saying.

Speak in a Calm, Confident Voice

Just like you want to prevent your eyes from wandering, you also want to avoid speaking quietly, trailing off, or saying things like, “Um,” “I guess,” or anything else you may typically say in order to seem less difficult.  When practicing assertive communication, it’s important that you come off as meaning what you are saying, not unsure and wavering in your request.

Describe the Situation You Wish To Change

For this step, your goal is to stick only to the facts.  For example, when talking to an overly-demanding boss, stating the facts may sound like, “You have asked me to pick up two former employees’ workloads, and nobody has been hired to replace them.  I’ve worked 70 hours per week for the past two months.”  Resist the urge to add in any opinions or interpretations at this stage, as doing so may cause the other person to become defensive.

Express Your Emotions

After describing the facts, name the emotions arising for you in this particular situation.  You may say, “I feel exhausted by doing 3 jobs at once.”  Notice the wording of this statement.  It does not say, “You make me feel…[fill in the blank].”  Rather, it describes your emotional response to the facts stated above using an “I” statement.  This, again, is a strategy to avoid the other person becoming defensive or feeling like you are blaming them for your emotions.

State What You Need

This is the part where you tell the other person what you want.  Make sure you take time to think beforehand.  Be specific in defining what, exactly, needs to change in order for the problem to improve.  In this case, you may say, “In order for me to complete quality work, I’m only going to be able to do my own job from now on.”  Point out how your solution benefits the other person.  In this case, your boss may be more likely to agree to your idea after hearing it will improve the quality of your work.

Negotiate

Negotiation is a useful skill when it comes to any conflict.  Imagine in this situation that your boss pushes back on your idea, stating the other work you’ve been doing simply must get done.  Perhaps you could offer to take on a few of the most important tasks the former employees used to do.  Maybe you could even offer to assist your boss in the process of hiring replacement employees.  Be flexible and open to ideas as you negotiate, and avoid letting pride get in the way of accepting someone else’s useful suggestions.

Assertiveness is one of the most important skills you can possess in a relationship.  Regardless of how close you are with your friends, coworkers, family, or partner, conflicts are bound to arise.  Keep in mind that confrontation does not have to be explosive, and it is not a sign of weakness or failure in your relationships.  Rather, healthy, assertive communication can help you get the most out of your relationships and resolve conflicts in a way that makes all parties happy and even closer than before.

Related Articles:

How To Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members

How Happy Couples Fight

I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge To Get Even in Relationships

How Important Are Looks, Really, When It Comes To Love?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You’ve heard it all before: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  “Beauty is only skin deep.”  “Love is blind.”  But you’ve also been bombarded with the opposite: romantic comedies casting near-perfect looking actors, Cinderella winning the heart of the prince while her “ugly stepsisters” pined for him fruitlessly.  Advertisements featuring stereotypically attractive partners leaving Kay Jewelers hand in diamond-clad hand.

So what’s the truth?  When it comes to love, do looks really matter?  Keep reading to learn about some of the latest research on the role appearance plays in relationship satisfaction and how the importance of personality traits compares.

Physical Attraction

One thing is for sure.  Unless you identify as asexual, feeling a physical or sexual attraction to your partner is vital.  For most people, this is what separates lovers from friends.  Of course, compatibility is important, but if the thought of sleeping with the person you’re dating repulses you, moving forward in the relationship likely isn’t a good idea.

If you and your partner are already in a committed relationship or have decided to tie the knot and you notice that what was once a strong physical attraction has faded, this is not an immediate reason to break up.  There are many things you can do to reignite attraction.  Visit our other blog article, “My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore:  What Do I Do?” for suggestions.

Possible Gender Differences

Researchers have conducted multiple studies trying to determine whether or not couples made up of partners who are equally as attractive as the other experience higher levels of relationship satisfaction.  In each of these studies, partners rated their levels of relationship satisfaction and were also rated by third parties, such as trained undergraduate students, in terms of how attractive they were.

In one study1, no data was found to suggest that partners who are equally attractive experience differences in relationship satisfaction from couples in which one partner is more attractive than the other.  However, a different study found that while women’s relationship satisfaction was unaffected by the attractiveness of their partners, men experienced higher levels of satisfaction both immediately after and 4 years after marriage when married to attractive women2.

Biological Factors

It’s easy to scoff at the fact that relationship satisfaction may be impacted by the attractiveness of one’s partner, but if such findings are true, they may be more biological than superficial.  Evolutionarily speaking, physical attractiveness was linked to survival.  Stronger, physically fit men were better able to hunt and defend their families from predators.  Women with hips wider than their waists were seen as more fertile.  Brighter skin and clearer eyes were signs of nourishment.  All of these factors were far more important before modern developments, but generations of evolutionary conditioning are not easily undone.  Old neuropathways die hard.

When Looks Don’t Matter

Given the importance of physical attraction in romantic relationships, biological biases, and some research that looks and relationship satisfaction are intertwined, it’s difficult to ignore the reality that looks, to a certain extent, do play a role in love.  That is not to say that they are the most, or anywhere near the most important factor.

Research indicates that when a person is perceived as physically attractive, he or she is also immediately presumed to have positive personality traits3.  This stereotype is likely due to media depictions of physically attractive people being heroes or other kinds of loveable characters.  Of course, with enough life experience, we can determine that one’s outward appearance is not always a reflection of their personality.  

The most beautiful person in the world could be the cruelest.  Somebody who may be the furthest thing from what society would deem attractive could have the most beautiful heart.  Therefore, judging a person based on looks alone when determining whether or not to date them is risky and unwise.

What Really Matters?

One theory of personality summarizes personality characteristics into five categories, called the Big Five.  These five categories include neuroticism (anxiety or emotional instability), conscientiousness (responsibility and persistence), agreeableness (empathy and ease of getting along with others), openness (willingness to experience new things or see new points of view), and extroversion (assertiveness and sociability).

Research indicates that if you want to have a satisfying relationship, choosing a partner who is highly agreeable, conscientious, extraverted, and emotionally stable is your best bet.  These traits are most associated with enduring relationship and sexual satisfaction, while neuroticism is inversely correlated with happy relationships.

In regard to looks, it is ultimately important to find someone to whom you find physically attractive enough.  Does this person have to be magazine cover material?  No.  Does everybody have to find them attractive?  No.  But as long as they have the values you’re looking for, the personality traits mentioned above, and are attractive enough for you to enjoy sexual and romantic connection with them, the two of you should be good to go.

Related Articles:

The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

Set Your Sex Life on Fire:  The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters

1. Hunt, L. L., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2015). Leveling the playing field: Longer acquaintance predicts reduced assortative mating on attractiveness. Psychological Science, 26(7), 1046-1053.

2. Meltzer, A. L., McNulty, J. K., Jackson, G. L., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Sex differences in the implications of partner physical attractiveness for the trajectory of marital satisfaction. Journal of personality and social psychology, 106(3), 418.

3. ​​Ćurković K., Franc R. (2010). Physical attractiveness stereotype 'Beautiful is Good' in the context of the Big Five personality theory. Psihologijske Teme, 19(1), 123–144.

3 Tips To Maximize Your Productivity Without Sacrificing Your Mental Health

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I feel like society sends us nonstop conflicting messages.  Lately, I’ve been thinking about productivity, goal-accomplishment, self-care, and what it really means to live a fulfilling life.

In one camp, we hear messages like, “Never give up on your dreams,” and “Do more to get more.”  We also live in a side-hustle culture, where it’s more popular than ever to pay bills with your 9-to-5 and grind on evenings and weekends to afford dinners out, Lolla tickets, and Instagrammable vacations.

On the other side, we hear, “Your worth does not lie in your productivity.”  “It’s okay to fail.”  “You need to take time off for self-care.”  “Tell your boss you’ve set a boundary and will no longer be working past 6pm.”

But what if you want to work hard to start a business or afford the finer things in life?  What if you want that, and you still want to watch your favorite TV show and go out for spontaneous drinks with friends?  Can you do both?

These questions sent me on a journey this week to research how you can kill it in your career, knock out a substantial amount of to-do list items each day, and still have time to take care of yourself and live a fulfilling life, because let’s be honest- all work and no play just isn’t it.

Here are 3 of the most important tips I’ve learned:

Be Picky with Your Friends

When you’re a career-driven person, your time is very valuable.  Spending it with people you don’t really enjoy can feel like a waste.  Instead, choose to spend time with friends who recharge and motivate you to be the best version of yourself.  Time with these kinds of people will be fun, and it will also prepare you to work hard when you’re ready to get back to it.

Do Self-Care That Works

It seems easy, but figuring out which self-care activities actually rejuvenate you takes work!  You probably hear a lot about journaling, taking bubble baths, getting your nails done, and meditating, but self-care can include so much more.  Self-care can include anything, like running, painting, shopping, gardening, seeing a movie, crossfit, cooking, cleaning, fixing cars...anything!  Experiment and find out what you enjoy in order to get the most out of your self-care time.

Create Routines

I know this one can be cringy.  Especially if you’re more Type B or spontaneous.  But it really works.  Creating daily and weekly routines helps you consolidate your productivity into a preselected amount of hours.  In other words, it helps you get stuff done in a reasonable amount of time, so you can finish tasks and get out there and enjoy life.  You can Google “successful peoples’ morning routines” for ideas, and then customize them to be doable for you.

Even though it sometimes seems like productivity and mental health are mutually exclusive, the truth is they really can coexist.  Be mindful about how you use your time and who you spend it with.  Staying focused during times you assign for work will allow you to relax and enjoy socializing and self-care during your much-needed breaks.

Related Articles

You Can Have It All:  Expert Secrets To Balancing Love and Your Career

Troubleshooting Your Goals:  Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey

Your Friendships Can Only Go So Far Without This Magic Ingredient...

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

In a world that seems to value appearances and social media followers above much else, it’s easy to believe that the best way to make friends is to put your best self out there- to make yourself seem as attractive as possible in hopes that others will be drawn to your appearance, engaging personality, or clout.

Well, you’re not wrong.  Doing this likely will make others want to be around you.  After all, many of them are probably chasing the same things.  But are these kinds of friendships really satisfying?  Do they even last?

All humans desire belonging and social attachment.  Sure, superficial relationships may be easy to find if you’re able to perfect the way you portray yourself, but real attachment requires compassion, acceptance, and love.  You can perfect your Instagram, buy all the right clothes, learn how to make people laugh, and join every social group on the planet and still be missing the one ingredient that makes true friendship possible: authenticity.

To learn how to find your authentic self and show up genuinely during social interactions, keep reading.

What Is the Authentic Self?

Throughout life, we learn to act how we think other people want us to.  We do this by analyzing different situations, such as when we’re praised for telling a funny joke or ignored when talking about a not-so-popular music group.  Each time, our brains take notes: what kinds of behaviors lead to acceptance from others, and which heighten the risk of rejection?

Your authentic self is who you are when you strip away this coding.  It’s your real sense of humor, the kinds of music you actually like, the personality traits, preferences, and insecurities that make you who you are, whether other people like you for them or not.

Why Is Authenticity Important?

When you stop trying to be who you think other people want you to be, you increase your chances of being liked for who you really are.  Now, this doesn’t mean that more people will necessarily like you.  They may not.  What it means is that if you’re in a room of 100 people and you decide to be as authentic as possible, you may only connect with 2 people, but you can rest assured that those 2 people genuinely like you for you.

This is a beautiful thing.  This is the basis of intimacy.  Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are the most fulfilling when those in them are able to see, accept, and like or love each other for who they really are, imperfections and all.

Does This Mean You Should Have No Filter?

No.  In fact, having a filter is necessary.  Being authentic does not mean you have to be rude, offensive, or inappropriate.  Filtering the things you say and do in order to help others feel comfortable or respected demonstrates social intelligence and is conducive to making and keeping friends.  It is very possible to be your authentic self while employing healthy boundaries.

How To Find and Be Your Authentic Self

To learn more about your authentic self and start approaching social settings more genuinely, follow the following tips:

Dive Deep

Take some time to journal about what truly makes you you.  What are you interested in?  What do you value?  What are some of your most prominent personality traits?  What are some of the most subtle ones?  What makes you happy or excited?  What makes you sad or angry?

Answer these questions as honestly as you can, noticing any shame or embarrassment if it arises.

Resolve Shame

If you do find yourself feeling ashamed of things about yourself, get curious about why.  Were you made fun of for these qualities in the past?  Has the media or society told you that these traits are “uncool”?  How did your parents react to these things about you when you were a child?  Practice accepting yourself by challenging any negative beliefs about who you are.  This can be a tough step, and it may be helpful to work with a therapist in order to navigate it.

Put Yourself in the Right Environments

If I were a vegetarian who wanted to feel more comfortable being my authentic self, I would not sign up to join a hunting club.  Instead, I’d join a group of animal rights activists.  It’s not that you can’t be around different kinds of people and still practice authenticity, but if you’re looking to make friends who accept you for who you are, you’re better off surrounding yourself with likeminded people.  Think about where you’d feel most comfortable showing up as your authentic self, and start practicing there.

Stay Present

It’s easy to slip back into old patterns of trying to impress those around you.  Remember that doing this takes you further away from your authentic self.  Slow down during your social interactions and take risks.  Where can you find opportunities to voice your real opinion about something or let a personality characteristic you’re less confident about show through?  Notice if you start performing for others, and ask yourself what you can do to be more true to yourself in that moment.

Repeat

This.  Takes.  Practice.  Society doesn’t always value authenticity.  You have likely received messaging throughout your life telling you how much better you’d be if you were only someone else.  Practicing being your true self around others may be difficult and even painful at first.  Stay dedicated.  Continue digging for your authentic self both when you’re alone and with others.  In time, not only will others notice and begin to appreciate the real you, but you’ll be able to recognize and get to know others for their authentic selves as well.

Related Articles:

People Who Do This Tend To Be Happier In Relationships:  Learn Their Secret

Your 10-Step Guide To Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult