Why Do You Keep Procrastinating, and How Can You Stop?
What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?
The answer: All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.
Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control. However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower. Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?
The answer: All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.
Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control. However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower. Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.
Read on to learn more about why you procrastinate and how you can stop.
Reason 1: You Fear Failure
One of the most common reasons people procrastinate is the fear of failure. Maybe you’ve been wanting to learn Spanish for the past 3 years, but because you know it won’t be easy, you still haven’t signed up for a class.
Tips:
If the idea of failure feels scary to you, ask yourself why. What experiences have you had with failure in the past?
Look up inspirational quotes on failure to remind yourself that it’s a normal experience and often an important part of learning.
Put your past failures in perspective by identifying at least one new thing you learned from each experience.
Reason 2: You Fear Success
Believe it or not, many people fear success. When you succeed at something, you set a new bar for yourself. Expectations of you become greater. For example, if you apply for a new job and get it, you’re then expected to perform well at that job. This can feel like a great deal of pressure and lead to procrastination of tasks you’ll likely succeed at.
Tips:
Maintain a “cheering squad” of the people closest to you who can help you feel supported and capable of taking on new challenges.
Recall past successes and times you exceeded your own expectations.
Reason 3: Perfectionism
Perfectionism often accompanies the fear of failure. If you struggle with perfectionism, you may believe that being any less than perfect at something reduces your personal value. Expecting yourself to be perfect can lead to anxiety, a common culprit behind perfectionism.
Tips:
Remember the principle of diminishing returns. The longer you obsess over something that’s already good enough, the less effective the time you spend on it becomes. For example, studying for a test for 5 hours can help you get an A instead of a D. However, spending an extra 5 hours studying will impact your grade less. The difference between a D and an A is far more significant than the difference between an A and an A+.
Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of your worth, even if you aren’t perfect.
Hold yourself to the same standards you hold your friends to. Chances are you’re way less hard on them than you are yourself.
Reason 4: You’re Overwhelmed
If you have a ton of tasks on your to-do list, getting started on just one of them can feel like a challenge. The same is true for getting started on a project that you know will take you a lengthy amount of time.
Tips:
Build in rewards. Do something enjoyable after completing each item on your list, or chunk your project/assignment into smaller pieces and reward yourself after completing each one.
Eliminate any unnecessary tasks.
Prioritize what’s most important and tackle that first.
Delegate responsibilities to others when you can.
Combine tasks. For example, if you have to do laundry and run errands, throw your clothes in the washing machine and run errands while they’re washing.
Plan ahead for when you’re going to work by putting necessary tasks in your calendar.
Reason 5: You Don’t Know What To Do
The final reason why you may be procrastinating is because you simply don’t know what to do! For example, if your car needs an oil change, and you have no idea how to do it, you’re probably going to put it off.
Tips:
Ask yourself if the goal is too big. In this case, maybe it would be easier to take the car to a mechanic than to learn how to change the oil yourself.
Seek guidance from others who have done the task before in order to learn how to do it.
Think of similar situations you’ve encountered. Remember how you handled them, and see if you can apply those skills to this situation, too.
Beating yourself up and calling yourself lazy because you’re procrastinating is rarely helpful. Instead, seek to understand why you’re struggling with procrastination. Knowing your reason will help you figure out what to do next in order to feel accomplished, productive, and more in control of the things you have to do.
Vulnerability and The Bachelorette: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Too Soon?
If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods. The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another. Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school. Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him. The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods. The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another. Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school. Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him. The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.
At the age of 39, Clare has made it clear that she is not here to mess around. Before the season began, Clare stated that she is looking for a man who can let his guard down and be open about his feelings, and by the looks of this Season so far, she isn’t wasting any time. Clare brings vulnerability to the forefront of both episodes so far, not only during her date with Jason, but also by regularly sharing her emotions and insecurities with the rest of the contestants. The Bachelorette doesn’t claim to be realistic, and most wouldn’t consider it a reputable form of dating advice. However, after watching the emotional exchanges between Clare and her suitors over the past two weeks, I feel pretty safe assuming that viewers also in search of love are starting to ask themselves, “Should I be doing this?”
What is Vulnerability?
In order to talk about vulnerability, we must first define what it is. Brene Brown, the emotional guru whose Ted Talk on vulnerability boasts over 50 million views, defines vulnerability according to its three key elements: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. When you open up to another person, or expose your emotions, you have no sure way of knowing how they will respond. The interaction could deepen your connection, or the other person could judge you, share your secrets with others, or even leave. Vulnerability is the key to intimate relationships with others because it allows you to be truly seen. So does this mean that you should be vulnerable with everybody? And is there ever such a thing as too much?
Different Levels of Vulnerability
I get the sense that when many people hear the word “vulnerability,” they imagine conversations about their deepest, darkest emotions, followed by a lot of crying, hugging, and gazing into each other’s eyes. Vulnerability can include any of these things, but it doesn’t have to. Remember, vulnerability means three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Here are some examples of vulnerability at different levels of intensity:
Telling your partner the truth when they ask if you had a good day at work
Sharing a happy memory with your partner
Telling your partner how you feel when they do something that bothers you (show up late to dinner, keep an ex as a friend on social media, etc.)
Letting your partner know you have feelings for them
Giving your honest opinion about something, ranging anywhere from a restaurant you tried to politics or religion
Sharing a sexual fantasy
Crying in front of your partner during a sad movie
Telling your partner what you’re looking for in a relationship
Pointing out your favorite qualities about your partner
Letting your partner see you connect with others, such as your family, friends, or even your pet
Vulnerability exists on a spectrum. Some acts of vulnerability feel like dipping your toe in the pool, while others might remind you more of jumping off the high-dive.
Risks of Vulnerability
Opening up to others can be scary, and rightfully so! As we go through life, we encounter a wide variety of people, all from different backgrounds and with differing levels of emotional intelligence. Not all of them are willing or even capable of handling others’ emotions with care. Getting vulnerable with the wrong person could lead to the following outcomes:
You receive an invalidating response (“That doesn’t sound that bad.”)
Your weaknesses get used against you (“I’m not cheating, you’re just insecure.”)
Your secret gets out
You get rejected
You get tuned out (the other person becomes uncomfortable and ignores you or changes the subject)
Yes, vulnerability, by definition, is risky, and while it’s becoming more and more acceptable and even encouraged in today’s society, it is certainly not something to take lightly.
So How Do I Know What to Share and When?
This one is completely up to you. We know that vulnerability strengthens relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops at once. A good rule of thumb is to base your level of vulnerability on the amount of trust in a relationship. For example, if you’re on your first date with someone, you probably don’t have enough information to determine whether or not it’s safe to let your guard down with them. Sorry, Clare.
To learn whether or not you can trust someone with heavier stories or deeper-level emotions, try disclosing a few less-vulnerable pieces of information first. Notice how the other person reacts if they ask about your day, and you tell them that it was actually a bit stressful. Test them out with a lighthearted story about your family, and see if they appear open to learning more about you. Pay attention to the way they talk about themselves, too. If you’ve been on multiple dates, and your partner still isn’t telling you anything about their family, obstacles they’ve overcome in the past, or their feelings or opinions on important topics, you might reconsider letting them into your own inner world.
Vulnerability is the secret ingredient to healthy, supportive relationships. The right amount at the right time can propel your relationship into deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and connectedness. Too much vulnerability too soon, however, can be uncomfortable and even lead to painful experiences that take a toll on your self-esteem.
I love The Bachelorette, and I think the show can spark great conversations about chemistry and compatibility. But when it comes to good examples for healthy dating practices, this Season might not be the most reliable source. Some things are just better off as entertainment.