Why Is It So Easy To Fall for Someone You Can't Be With?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“You always want what you can’t have.”

It’s a saying as old as time- one that most people can, in one way or another, relate to, especially when it comes to romance.  Whether it shows up in the form of a crush on your boss, pining after someone who’s already married, or falling for a local while vacationing in a foreign country, there’s something about loving a person you know you can’t be with that feels more intoxicating than other, more realistic relationships.

But Why?

Late sexologist, Jack Morin, author of the book The Erotic Mind, wrote about something he called The Erotic Equation:

Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

When you’re attracted to someone but for whatever reason can’t be with them, you start to want them even more.  Your mind floods with fantasies of what it would be like if you could be together.  The pain of not being able to live out these fantasies can be excruciating.

How It Hurts

Although the experience of wanting what you can’t have is pretty universal, it’s important to make sure you’re not obsessing about unattainable relationships for longer than necessary.  Yes, allowing yourself to feel your feelings is crucial, but spending too much time dwelling on them can distract you from relationships that actually have the possibility of panning out.  Also, focusing too much on impossible relationships could cause unnecessary feelings of hopelessness about your ability to ever find a fulfilling relationship.

How It Helps

Having feelings for someone you know you may never be with is painful, but you can take beneficial lessons away from the experience. Every relationship, crush, and even friendship offers valuable information about yourself and what you’re looking for in a future relationship.  To turn your feelings of frustration and sadness into encouragement and fuel for growth, ask yourself these questions:

What Do I Like About This Person?

Regardless of the obstacle that’s amping up your excitement, the erotic equation starts with initial attraction.  What is it that drew you to this person to begin with?  Was it their looks?  Something about their personality?  Pinpoint these factors and mentally bookmark them.  They are hints about the qualities you desire in a future partner.

Look on the Bright Side

Okay, I’m aware this sounds dangerously close to toxic positivity, but hear me out.  I often work with singles who feel discouraged by both the amount of potential partners out there and their ability to find a person they really “click” with.  The fact that you found someone you feel this way about, even if you can’t be with them specifically, is evidence that there are people in the world you’re attracted to and can see yourself with.  Getting over a crush that you know won’t go anywhere is brutal, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you.  In time, you can find someone else you feel strongly about, and maybe things will work with them.

A Lesson in Grief

Whether we like it or not, life is full of difficult situations, many of which include loss of people and things we have, as well as loss of ideas, or people and things we wish we had.  Either way, when we encounter a loss, we experience grief.  

Unrequited or impossible love offers you a window into your own grief process.  As you walk through the experience, notice your feelings.  Where are they in your body?  How do they change on a day to day or even moment to moment basis?  How long will it take you to heal from this heartbreak?  What can you learn about yourself as you go through it?

Mindfully witnessing your grief can prepare you to deal with the emotion again in the future.  Practice the balance of allowing yourself to experience pain and self-regulating using self-compassionate and encouraging self-talk.  Next time you encounter grief, whether by losing a loved one or finding out someone else got the promotion you wanted, you will be better equipped to deal with it.

Accepting Reality

If you think the person you’ve fallen for lacks the qualities you need in a partner, you may try to rationalize trying to be with them anyways.  Be careful to check your hopefulness with your value system.  Perhaps you would be willing to take the risk of dating someone long distance.  Would you also be willing to compromise your resolution to only date people of the same faith background?  Would you see someone on the side who was already in a committed relationship?  

These situations are different for everybody.  When in doubt, rely on your values, as they are likely far less fickle than your emotions.  If you know deep down that entering a relationship with someone despite the obstacles would violate your values, begin allowing yourself to grieve the fact that this particular relationship will most likely not work out.  Yes, it’s hard and may even border on emotional torture!  Remember, however, that each time you let go of the idea of a relationship that isn’t right for you, you’re one step closer to finding the one that is.

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People Who Do THIS Tend To Be Happier in Relationships: Learn Their Secret

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What makes a relationship healthy?  Is it respect?  Mutual support? Open communication? You may know what a strong relationship looks like, but knowing how to get there can be difficult.  Sometimes, your temper flares up when you get frustrated by your partner, or life gets busy, and you find yourself being short and distant.

No relationship is perfect, but researchers have identified one skill that tends to lead to more happiness in all relationships, regardless of their imperfections- self-compassion.  Read on to learn more about self-compassion and how it can transform your relationships.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be defined as kindness toward yourself, especially during times of hardship.  It means accepting yourself, flaws and all, and being gentle with yourself instead of critical.  Even when they make terrible mistakes, self-compassionate people understand that a bad decision is not the same thing as being a bad person, and that they are still worthy of love regardless of their imperfections.

How Will It Help My Relationship?

Kristin Neff, PhD. has conducted extensive research on self-compassion and found that kindness toward yourself can improve both your romantic and platonic relationships in a number of ways.  

For instance, research subjects who scored higher on Neff’s self-compassion scale were found to be more caring, accepting, and supportive of their partners.  They also reported being more authentic, affectionate, and intimate with their partners.

Because those who scored lower on the self-compassion scale struggled to meet their own emotional needs, they tended to be more domineering, controlling, and verbally aggressive with their romantic partners.  Their self-compassionate counterparts were more generous and giving and were more likely to allow their partners healthy freedom and autonomy because of their capability to self-soothe.

Overall, the more self-compassionate subjects reported more happiness in their relationships than those who scored lower on the scale.  Likewise, the partners of these self-compassionate people reported more relationship happiness as well.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-Kindness:  One of the simplest ways to practice self-compassion is to talk to yourself the same way you’d talk to a dear friend in your exact situation.  For example, if your friend came to you and said they yelled at their spouse the night before, it’s unlikely that you’d tell them what a terrible, mean person they are.

Instead, you may validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and offer some words of encouragement for the next time they’re in a similar situation.  You may also use terms of endearment, like “darling” or “love.”  Next time you find yourself using critical self-talk, choose to shift your language to the kind you’d use with a friend.

Common Humanity:  Another important aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that you are only human, and just like everybody else, you are imperfect.  We all make mistakes and experience pain.  When you’re being hard on yourself, you likely feel like there is no one else in the world who’s as messed up as you are, but really, everybody suffers.  Our struggles connect us.  Focusing on this commonality will help you feel less isolated during difficult times.

Mindfulness: The last necessary component of self-compassion is mindfulness.  Mindfulness means acknowledging and being present with yourself and your emotions, including pain.  When you’re going through a tough time, try noticing your thoughts and feelings exactly as they are.  Don’t exaggerate them, but don’t downplay them either.  Just witness your experience.  By doing this, you’re helping yourself become part of your own support system.  You’re also better able to respond to situations when you see them with this kind of clarity.

Go Forth and Love

Being compassionate towards others is much easier when you’re able to be compassionate with yourself.  Next time, you’re in the middle of a difficult moment with your partner, pause and take a self-compassion break.  Notice what you’re feeling, remember that you’re not alone in your pain, and then talk to yourself in the kind, loving way you would talk to someone else you care about.

Loving yourself in this way will help you feel calmer and more complete.  These feelings will pour into your relationships, just as negative emotions like stress and anger do.  To improve the relationship happiness of both you and your romantic partner, fill yourself with love, and watch how that love overflows into everyone around you.

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5 Steps to Recovering from a Breakup

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been through a breakup, you know how painful it can be.  Breakups often include intense feelings of grief, loss, loneliness, rejection, sadness, and hopelessness.  When it comes to breaking up, these feelings are often an inevitable part of the healing process, but there are several things you can do to both cope with the pain and prepare yourself for greater things to come.

Read the following tips to learn how to heal and return to living your best life after breaking up:

Give Yourself Compassion

Immediately after a breakup, you may feel physically incapable of cheering yourself up, let alone thinking about all the fun things you want to do with your friends or who you’re going to date next.  This is normal.  Now is not the time to try to force yourself to get over your ex.

Instead, it’s important to treat yourself with compassion.  Feel your feelings.  Let yourself cry.  Treat yourself the same way you’d treat a best friend who was struggling after a breakup.  If that means calling off work and staying in bed for a day, do it.  Pushing down your feelings will only make things worse in the long run.

Surround Yourself with Love

After a difficult breakup, it’s important to connect with your support system.  Spend plenty of time with friends and family who allow you to be vulnerable.  They don’t necessarily have to understand your situation exactly or give you any groundbreaking advice.  They just have to accept you in the state you’re in, listen, and remind you that you are still deeply, deeply loved.

Reflect on the Relationship

Once you have given your emotions some care, and your logical mind begins to show itself again, start reflecting on your former relationship.  What can you learn from looking back?  What needs do you have that weren’t being met?  What went well?  What qualities do you want or not want in your next partner?  Even though your last relationship didn’t work, it can still serve as a great learning experience.

Get Honest with Yourself

One of the hardest, yet most beneficial steps of getting over a breakup is to examine your role in the dynamic.  Even if you truly believe your partner was the problem, ask yourself what you could have done differently in retrospect.  Perhaps you missed some warning signs that you can be more aware of in the future, or maybe you need to work on your communication skills.  Understanding your part in the relationship will help you feel more in control of your circumstances and benefit you in your next relationship.

Focus on the Future

Allowing yourself to feel the emotions of going through a breakup is healthy.  Dwelling in them is not.  Even if you are still grieving, begin thinking about where you would like to go next.  Set goals for your career, finances, self-improvement, or future romantic relationships, and begin working towards making them a reality.  Focusing on your future will remind you that even though you’re going through a difficult time, great things are on the horizon.

If you were recently broken up with, or even if you’re the one who did the breaking up, the emotions that come with the ending of a relationship can be heartbreaking.  Healing requires a balance of sitting with painful feelings and thinking about how your breakup may actually serve you in the future.

If you’re struggling to move on from a breakup, even though you know it’s time, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling.

One Expert Can Predict Which Couples Will Divorce With 93% Accuracy: Here's How

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Relationship researcher, John Gottman, spent four decades studying what makes relationships last.  Based on 7 studies he conducted on couples who stay together vs. couples who divorce, Gottman is now able to predict with over 90% accuracy whether or not a married couple will divorce.  While there are many factors that contribute to a couple’s decision to end their marriage, Gottman identifies 4 behaviors as the most common predictors of splitting up.

Find out below if you or your partner are guilty of any of these 4 behaviors, as well as how to correct them.

Criticism

The first of what Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is criticism.  No matter who your partner is, there will always be things about them you don’t like.  Criticism is when you point out your partner’s flaws in a harsh or unhelpful way.  For example, it is healthy to tell your partner you feel grossed out when they eat potato chips in bed.  Calling your partner a slob or telling them how messy they are is criticism.

To avoid being critical of your partner, practice giving them feedback that is more focused on their behavior than their character.  A helpful way to voice dissatisfaction with something your partner does is by using the framework, “I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Example:  “I feel lonely when you come home from work late.  I need you to be home by 7pm.”

Instead of: “You’re a workaholic.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness looks like responding to your partner’s feedback by trying to explain yourself instead of accepting responsibility, or by pointing out a shortcoming of theirs when faced with one of your own.  For example, if your partner points out the excessive amount of time you spend on your phone, and you respond by bringing up the time they took a phone call during dinner, you’re being defensive.

One method of communication that helps eliminate defensiveness is to fully articulate your partner’s point of view before responding with your own.  Allow your partner to express their thoughts and feelings without interrupting.  Then, restate what your partner said and ask whether or not your interpretation is correct.  Then, respond.  This exercise helps you understand what it is like to be in your partner’s shoes, so you can come up with a solution to the problem that works for both of you.

Stonewalling

In simple terms, stonewalling means tuning your partner out.  If your partner has ever refused to make eye contact with you, started doing something entirely different, or given you the silent treatment during a conversation, then you’ve experienced stonewalling.

Stonewalling may appear as a lack of care about your partner’s feelings, or vice versa if you’re on the receiving end, but this may not actually be the case.  Stonewalling is often a sign of being overwhelmed.  If you or your partner are stonewalling, take a break from the conversation and agree on a time when you can discuss it further.  This will give each of you time to process your thoughts and emotions and return to the issue much more emotionally regulated.

Contempt

Contempt, according to Gottman, is the most deadly out of the four relationship-killing behaviors.  Contempt is criticism or dismissal of your partner, but with an added air of superiority.  Contempt is demonstrated by eye rolling, smirking, and condescending comments like, “You made salmon for dinner?  Guess I’m going to bed hungry tonight.”

If you notice that you’ve been speaking to your partner with contempt, be intentional about noticing their qualities you appreciate.  Notice their strengths and uniqueness in order to reduce the focus on their shortcomings.  If your partner is contemptuous toward you, use the “I” statements described under the “Criticism” section to express how your partner’s behavior affects you and what you need to change.

At first, noticing that you or your partner engage in any of these behaviors may cause you to worry about the future of your relationship.  This fear is not irrational!  Maintaining relationships takes ongoing work.  Knowing that any of these behaviors could potentially lead to the end of your relationship allows you the opportunity to correct them and strengthen your relationship like never before.

To learn more about making your relationship last, consider beginning either individual or couple’s therapy at ELEVATED Life Counseling.  To get started, reach out to one of our clinicians by clicking the Staff page above.

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How To Improve Your Body Image During Sex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to imagine yourself having sex.  How do you feel?  How do you see yourself?  Now, if you weren’t already, imagine having sex completely naked in a well-lit room.  How do you feel now?  Your answer, most likely, is a reflection of your body image- your thoughts, feelings, judgments, and beliefs about your body.

About 41% of men and 60% of women report feeling dissatisfied with their bodies1.  In a different study, over 70% of women reported avoiding certain activities due to poor body image2.  Having sex is arguably one of the most vulnerable things you can do with your body.  It makes sense that research on the relationship between body image and sex reveals poor body image is correlated with reduced sexual desire, sexual arousal, ability to orgasm, and overall sexual satisfaction3.

Does poor body image have a negative effect on your sex life?  If the answer is yes, read the tips below to learn how to improve your sex life by bettering your body image.

Don’t Expect Perfection

Don’t expect perfection in anything.  Not your ability to pull off new sexual positions, not the appearance of your body, and not even your feelings about your body.  Trying to achieve perfect body image, or 100% confidence, all the time is a recipe for disappointment.  There will be days when you feel insecure, and that’s okay.

Aim for Body Acceptance Over Love

Depending on where you are in your body image journey, the idea of loving your body may feel impossible.  That’s okay!  Instead, you can learn to accept your body or feel neutral towards it.  To achieve this, think about the function of your body rather than it’s appearance.  Imagine you are an alien species looking at your human body for the first time.  How cool is it that you have legs to take you places, breasts to produce milk and sustain human life, or parts of the body meant for pleasure only?  Focusing on your body’s abilities with a sense of wonder can help you appreciate it, even if you wish some things looked different.

Think Critically About Media

The times you’ve seen sex presented in movies or pornography, what kinds of bodies have you seen?  Body diversity is becoming more popular, but media is still saturated with depictions of thin, white women and white, muscular men having sex.  Next time you see an unrealistic sex scene, imagine what your neighbors or friends look like having sex.  Chances are, it probably looks a lot more like the sex you’re having.

Focus on the Positives

Advertising and media have us so conditioned to focus on the parts of our bodies we’re unsatisfied with.  What parts of your body do you actually like?  Pick just one thing.  It could be your bum or your stomach, or it could be your fingernails or eyebrows!  Intentionally notice the qualities you like about yourself at least as often as you think about the ones you don’t.

Be With Someone Who Loves Your Body

Internal validation is important, but it’s also okay (and sometimes, very helpful) to receive external validation as well.  When dating, stick with the partners who compliment your appearance.  If anyone criticizes your body or talks about their attraction to bodies that look nothing like yours, move on.  There are too many people in the world who would consider themselves lucky to have sex with you.  Don’t waste your time on those who are only going to bring you down and reinforce your negative beliefs about yourself.

Ask Your Partner for Reassurance

It could be very arousing to hear your partner tell you what they like about your body while you’re having sex.  It could also be helpful to hear this outside the bedroom.  There’s nothing wrong with asking for some reassurance sometimes.  If you’re in need of a confidence boost, let your partner know.  Tell them how great it would feel to hear how attractive you are.  Then, bask in their compliments, trusting that your body is exactly what your partner is drawn to.

Improve Your Emotional Connection

Sex does not have to be only about connecting physically.  Emotionally passionate sex has the ability to take you outside your body into almost a transcendent, spiritual realm.  Focus on deepening your emotional intimacy with your partner, and watch as worries about your body slip away as you connect sexually.

Redirect Your Focus

If your mind is feeling cluttered with shameful thoughts or worries about your body during sex, try redirecting your focus to your five senses.  Notice the physical sensations in your body.  Notice the texture and smell of your partner’s skin.  Notice the taste of their kiss.  These distractions will not only help reduce focus on your body image, they will also make your sexual experience more sensual and enjoyable.

Body image does not have to be a barrier to a healthy sex life.  While most of us struggle with insecurities to some degree, these strategies can help you feel better about your body and therefore more interested in and pleasured by sex.  Share your experiences with body image and sex by following and commenting on our Instagram page at @elevatedlifecounseling.

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Identify Your Triggers: The Secret To Lowering Anxiety

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every year, about 40 million people, or 18% of the US population1, report struggling with anxiety.  Anxiety is a mental, emotional, and physical experience characterized by worry, tension, overthinking, insomnia, panic, and in severe cases, symptoms like rapid heart beat, trouble breathing, sweating, and feeling unreal or out of control.  If you struggle with mild anxiety, such as slight overthinking about work, or severe symptoms, like full out panic attacks, tracking your symptoms and identifying your triggers may be the answer.

Read on to learn how to identify and track anxiety triggers in order to reduce or even eliminate anxiety altogether.

Lack of Sleep

Research indicates that missing even one night of sleep can cause more activity in areas of the brain associated with anxiety2. If you work late hours or stay up doing homework, socializing, or scrolling through social media, you may feel more anxious the next day than if you’d had an adequate night’s sleep.  Aim for 7-9 hours of shut eye per night to promote healthy brain functioning.

Caffeine

A while back, I wrote an article on the mental health benefits of caffeine. While caffeine may benefit some, it may cause spikes in anxiety for others.  Everyone’s body is different.  Pay attention to how your system reacts to caffeine, and go for decaf or half-caf if necessary.

Changes In Blood Sugar

If you are diabetic, you may already be familiar with this.  However, even if you’re not, skipping meals can cause low blood sugar, which causes jitteriness and anxiety.  Make it a goal to eat three well-balanced meals per day, plus snacks, in order to avoid unnecessary anxiety.

Social Triggers

Social events, like parties, can be very anxiety-provoking for some.  So can ruptures in social relationships, such as conflict or a romantic breakup.  Learning communication skills and conflict resolution strategies, leaning on friends for support, and talking to a therapist can help you manage anxiety caused by social experiences.

Overpacking Your Schedule

For many, feeling productive can ease anxiety, but a schedule that’s too busy can create anxiety.  Make sure that you’re planning breaks throughout your work days.  Be intentional about planning alone time for rest and reflection.  Being careful not to over-plan can also help make sure you’re eating and sleeping enough, thus further reducing anxiety.

Isolation

On the flip side, too much alone time can also cause anxiety.  People are social beings.  Even if you’re an introvert, make sure you’re spending time with others regularly.  Now that the pandemic is coming to an end, opt for in-person hangouts for a richer experience.

Alcohol

Alcohol in the right amounts can be a stress reliever for some.  Others report that even one glass of wine can cause them to experience anxiety, usually the next day.  Be mindful of how you feel before, during, and after drinking.  If you’re drinking as a form of self-medication or experiencing unpleasant mood symptoms during or after drinking, consider cutting alcohol out.

How To Track Triggers

Recently, a client of mine introduced me to the mood tracking app, Daylio.  Daylio allows you to rate your mood multiple times per day and select activities you engaged in that day, such as walking, sex, drinking, and more.  You can also enter notes about your thoughts and feelings.

With Daylio, you can also view graphs representing your moods over time and export your mood log to a spreadsheet, so you can share it with your therapist or keep it for your own records.

Using Daylio or other mood tracking apps can help you identify your anxiety triggers.  Journaling your moods, daily activities, meals, sleep, and alcohol consumption can also work if you prefer a more low-tech tracking strategy.

Identifying anxiety triggers takes time and awareness.  At first, it can seem like work, but once you start learning what triggers your anxiety- and therefore how to avoid it- the process is completely worth it.  For more information on anxiety or to begin working with a therapist trained in anxiety-reduction techniques, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling.

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Your 10-Step Guide to Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Adulting can be hard for many reasons.  One of the toughest challenges, which I’ve talked about with almost all of my clients at one point or another, is friendship.  Busy schedules made up of parenting responsibilities, long work hours, housework, and meal prepping can often leave little time for hanging out with friends you already have, let alone making new ones.

Whether you recently moved to the City and are struggling to build new friendships, or you’re having a hard time keeping up with the ones you already have, keep reading.  This step-by-step guide will teach you how to meet new people, turn acquaintances into deeper friendships, and continue pouring into friendships you already have, even if you’re busier than ever.

Step 1: Position Yourself

Making friends is kind of like dating.  You have to put yourself out there.  Download Bumble BFF, sign up for a pottery class, reactivate your gym membership, or start working from places like coffee shops or coworking spaces in order to increase the number of people you meet and could potentially become friends with.  

2. Adjust Your Expectations

It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a new lifelong friend everytime you go out to do one of the things mentioned above.  You could go to 10 pilates classes and never meet a single person.  Don’t lose hope!  Consistency is key.  Keep attending activities you’re interested in or chatting with different people on friendship apps, and eventually, it’s likely you’ll meet someone who will become a friend.

Also, remember that unlike what we see on TV, strong friendships don’t happen overnight.  They often start out slow, with periodic conversations here and there, and then grow in intimacy and closeness over time.

Step 3: Start a Conversation

Every friendship begins with a single conversation.  Compliment the person’s mat next to yours at yoga class and ask where they got it.  Introduce yourself to someone in your Bible study and ask how long they’ve been going to their church.  Again, it’s okay for friendships to start out slow.  Your initial conversation doesn’t have to be deep, it just has to establish contact.

Step 4: Go With the Flow

If you meet someone and conversation seems to be flowing, extend the interaction in a way that seems natural.  If you compliment someone’s jeans and start talking about their favorite places to shop, invite them to go to the mall with you.  Ask the person whose yoga mat you complimented if they’re coming to class next week.  If you’re talking about music with someone, ask for their number so you can share your Spotify playlist with them.  Sticking to the theme of what you initially connected over will make hanging out or talking in the future feel less forced.

Step 5: Cope With Outcomes Ahead of Time

This is where expectations become very important.  Just because you got someone’s number or went to the mall with them, it doesn’t mean you’re instantly going to become best friends.  Sure, you might start immediately hanging out several times per week, or you might go a month without hanging out again, or that one time might be it!  Keep in mind that even if the friendship doesn’t kick off right away, it could develop more and become very close over time.

It’s also possible that you and this person are just not a good fit.  This can be difficult, especially if you’ve dealt with abandonment, betrayal, or loneliness in the past.  Practice coping with this possibility ahead of time.  What would you do if this friendship didn’t work out?  How would you deal with those emotions in a healthy way?  What would you do to continue creating opportunities to make new friends?

Step 6: Follow Up

After hanging out with someone new for the first time, the “what do I do now” feeling can be very similar to the one many people experience after a first date.  Should you text them right away and tell them what a great time you had?  Wait a day?  Wait for them to reach out to you?

My advice on this topic is to resist the urge to follow any rigid set of “rules” or play games.  Be yourself.  Reach out whenever and however feels natural to you.  Be receptive to the other person’s cues (like, don’t text them 5 times if they didn’t even respond once), but avoid overanalyzing them.  Practice authenticity.  The people most likely to become close friends down the line are the ones who like you just the way you are.

Step 7: Skip the Small Talk

When you first start hanging out with someone new, conversations are likely to be more superficial.  However, once you get to know each other better, practice talking about deeper topics in order to build intimacy.  Ask open ended questions about the other person’s interests, worldview, past experiences, and passions.  Also, talk about your own.  Close relationships can only be formed when two people allow each other to see and accept who they truly are.

Step 8: Check In

Ok, so now you’re at the stage where you and someone else are more than acquaintances.  Maybe you’re new friends, or maybe you’re best friends who have had a relationship for years.  Either way, it’s important to maintain consistent communication if you want to keep the friendship alive. Take responsibility for reaching out and saying hello or asking how your friend has been.  Doing this shows that you care about the other person and value their presence in your life.

Step 9: Don’t Make Assumptions

Sometimes, people get busy.  Actually, scratch that.  Most people are busy a lot.  It may be easy for you to fall into the trap of thinking that if you haven’t heard from a friend in a while, or if they forget to reply to your text, they’ve either forgotten or stopped caring about you.  This is so often not the case.  Chances are, the last time you texted your friend, they were holding their phone in one hand and wiping baby spit-up off their face with the other.  Or they were out to dinner.  Or they typed a response and forgot to hit send.

You really have no way of knowing what’s going on in a friend’s day to day life unless they tell you or you ask.  If you feel the impulse to either shut down and withdraw or get even by ghosting a friend who hasn’t contacted you in a while, get curious about what’s really going on for you emotionally.  See what happens if you reach out again, or, if you’re really noticing a pattern of non-communication from a friend, be straightforward and ask them if everything is okay.

Step 10: Audit

Now that I’ve hopefully convinced you to go easy on your friends and give them the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time, I have to make sure I point out that some friends are not, in fact, good ones.  You may have some friends who take much more from you than they give.  You may have one or more who regularly ignore you, even when you make every effort to communicate with them in a healthy way.  Some may even be critical of you, always try to compete with you, or humiliate you in front of others.

These are not your friends.  People who spend time with you but are abusive, neglectful, or just downright uninterested in you are likely showing up in your life for their own selfish reasons.  That’s not your fault.  You may have outgrown them, or maybe it was never a good friendship to begin with.  This can be a painful realization, but not as painful as continuing to offer yourself to someone who repeatedly mistreats you.

Sometimes, you have to do a friendship audit.  Especially if you’re busy, it can be healthy to go through your list of friends from time to time and ask, “Who do I feel supported by?  Who do I enjoy being around?  Who energizes me, and who depletes me?  Who encourages me and makes me feel good about myself?  Who is able to be vulnerable with me like I am with them?”  If you’re realizing that you’re spending your valuable time with people who aren’t feeding your soul, make the decision to reallocate your resources to those who are.  It’s not mean, and it’s not about hard feelings or drama.  It’s about your health and wellbeing.

Making or keeping friends as an adult can be difficult, especially if you have a packed schedule.  Nevertheless, friendships are important for mental and emotional health and deserve a decent-sized chunk of your time.  To build or maintain healthy friendships that are worth your time, practice these steps regularly.  Your future self will thank you when they look back and realize how long the special people in your life have been by your sides.

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How To Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

No matter how much you love your family, it’s safe to assume that at one point or another, you’ve felt they were being a little too…

Intrusive

Critical

Overbearing

Opinionated

Or even just downright cruel!

Let’s face it, family can be some of the most triggering people to be around.  They often care about you and therefore have questions and opinions about intimate topics like your love life, kids, finances, and political beliefs.

Even if you love your folks, you may have the desire to get away from them, ignore them, or shut them down.  The truth is, you can, and you can do it respectfully with boundaries.  Here’s how:

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are limits you set in order to protect your wellbeing.  They can apply to conversations you’re willing to engage in and how you let others treat you.  Boundaries help preserve your emotional energy and show up in relationships as your best self, without resentment for those around you.

Examples of Boundaries

Boundaries exist in many different forms.  For example, you may set verbal boundaries with a family member who “jokingly” makes fun of your partner for not having a college education by saying something like, “Phil and I are very proud that he opened his own auto body shop.  Please do not make fun of his career.”

You can also set boundaries simply with your presence.  If your family members are conversing about something that doesn’t align with your values, such as which diets each of them are currently on, you may decide to leave the room and go join the kids in the playroom for a while.

You can also combine these two types of boundaries by announcing that if something you’re uncomfortable with continues, you will leave.  If you’ve already talked to your cousin about not using racist language around you, and he continues to do it anyways, consider setting a boundary by saying, “I am happy to attend family events at your house, but if you make racist jokes, I’m going to leave.”

One of the easiest ways to set boundaries with family members is to change the subject when an uncomfortable topic comes up.  If your grandmother has a habit of asking you when you’re “finally going to settle down and get married,” try responding by saying, “I’ll let you know when that’s going to happen, but for now, I’d love to tell you about the trip I just went on!”

Finally, if a family member does something serious enough to cause physical or psychological harm, you may have to make the choice to distance yourself from them entirely.  If your brother is constantly criticizing your son for having a lisp, don’t invite him to your son’s school spelling bee.  If your aunt has a hoarding problem causing her home to be unsanitary, don’t accept her invitation to have lunch there.  These boundaries may seem harsh, but there are a couple of reasons why enforcing them might not only be the healthiest, but also the most loving thing to do.

The Benefits of Boundaries

Boundaries help protect you from painful feelings, such as inadequacy, shame, and rage.  Even if certain family members are difficult, setting and holding boundaries can help you enjoy your time around them as much as possible and act in a way that aligns with your values.

Although family members may struggle with your boundaries or take them personally, they are actually benefiting from them too.  For example, the cousin who uses racist language and no longer sees you at his family events may finally realize that his behavior is unacceptable.  Also, when family members choose to respect your boundaries, they are more likely to have positive experiences with you than if you were to not set boundaries and often feel frustrated around them.

Setting boundaries requires courage and may feel pushy or demanding at first, if you’re uncomfortable asserting yourself.  However, boundaries ultimately help you feel respected and have positive interactions with family members you love but don’t always agree with.

If you believe setting boundaries with your family may be appropriate and would like more information on how to do so effectively, reach out to a counselor here at ELEVATED life counseling.

5 Reasons To Throw Away Your Scale Today

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What would you say if a friend told you that every morning, you need to stop by their house before work, so they can look at you, assess whether or not you look fat, and tell you how you should feel about yourself for the rest of the day?

Crazy, right?  Who would agree to such a thing!?

Every morning, millions of Americans do almost exactly this.  They get out of bed and go directly to the bathroom scale, where a set of numbers will determine how confident, attractive, and successful they feel that day.

While diet culture may have convinced most of society that owning a bathroom scale is a part of staying healthy, weighing yourself may actually be unnecessary at best and prompt harmful, unhealthy behaviors at worst.

When working with clients who struggle with eating disorders or poor body image, getting rid of the bathroom scale is often one of the first steps I recommend.  Here are 5 reasons why:

It’s Not Accurate Anyways

Most people who weigh themselves believe that they are measuring changes in their body fat.  Really, the numbers appearing on the scale may be a reflection of water weight, muscle, or the weight of the food in your stomach.  A scale alone has no way to tell.

Weight Is Not the Only Indicator of Health

Even if the scale did measure the amount of fat on your body, it still would not be an accurate representation of your health.  The diet and fitness industries emphasize the importance of weight in overall health.  However, there are many other factors that contribute to your health, such as your stress level and whether or not you smoke.  Some research even indicates that individuals considered slightly overweight have lower health risks than their thinner counterparts.1,2

Genetics Play a Huge Role in Weight

According to diet culture, you are in control of your weight.  If you just tried a little harder at the gym or ate a little healthier, you could have the body of your dreams.  Body set point theory disagrees, stating that your body has a specific weight range it wants to stay within.  If you go above or below that range, your body will employ physical and psychological mechanisms, such as making you hungrier, in order to bring you back to the set point it’s comfortable with.

If you’re feeling frustrated with an unchanging number on the scale, it might actually be a sign that your body is right where it needs to be.  If that’s that case, why keep the scale?

Exercise Can Be Fun

Remember when you were a kid and you ran around and played sports just for fun?  Exercising can feel that way now!  When you mentally frame exercise as something you have to do, otherwise you’ll get fat (and ugly, lazy, and worthless according to diet culture), it loses its luster almost immediately.  Without the pressure of having to hit a certain number on the scale, exercise can go back to being something energizing, relaxing, and even entertaining.

There Are Other Ways To Feel Confident

Regardless of how much you weigh, you can feel confident.  I know- crazy- but very true.  To find confidence in yourself at any body size, focus on things you’re good at, features you like about yourself, and positive relationships you have.  You’ll likely find that when you take the focus off of your weight, confidence starts to show up more easily than you even thought possible.

In a society conditioned to put so much weight- no pun intended- in the number on a scale, deciding not to weigh yourself can feel scary, rebellious, or like a loss of control.  Keep in mind that as long as you’re eating nutritious foods, eating all things in moderation, and moving in a way that feels good, your body will find its healthy, happy place, no scale required.

My Partner Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore: What Do I Do?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

No matter how compatible two people are, the defining quality of romantic relationships is almost always attraction.  Attraction is what initially draws two people together.  It’s what sparks interest and creates sexual chemistry.  Without it, two people who otherwise get along very well might as well be friends or roommates.

Finding out that your partner is no longer attracted to you can feel painful and shocking, and may cause feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship.  Read on to learn what to do to rebuild attraction if your partner confesses they love you, but they’re just not feeling it.

Find Out How Your Partner Really Feels

An attraction to somebody, or lack thereof, can mean several different things.  Most commonly, we think of physical attraction to one’s outward appearance when we hear the term, but you can also feel attracted to your partner’s personality, character traits, or behaviors.

Upon hearing or noticing signs that your partner is feeling less attracted to you, you might initially feel offended.  Acknowledge these feelings, then have a conversation with your partner about what they really mean.  Is there something physically different about you, or are they turned off by something you’ve recently started or stopped doing?  Or is there something going on with them that has nothing to do with you at all? Get very clear on what, exactly, is putting the brakes on your partner’s attraction to you, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.

Check the Relationship

Sometimes, less attraction between partners is a reflection of something going on in the relationship.  If your relationship has been distant or volatile, your partner’s loss of attraction could be a subconscious protective mechanism, serving to help them avoid feelings of rejection or sadness.  If this feels like the case, try discussing and addressing underlying relationship problems and see if attraction naturally shows itself again.

Set Boundaries

This step is important if your partner feels dissatisfied with something that has physically changed about you, such as your weight, hair color, or style of dress.  While it’s important to take care of your health, and you may be willing to switch up different elements of your style according to your partner’s preferences, it is never okay for them to belittle or shame you.  Decide what you are willing and unwilling to change, and make sure your partner knows where you draw the line in terms of what you are willing to do to please them.

Compromise

After deciding on and voicing your boundaries to your partner, explore together where each of you can compromise in order to increase attraction.  For example, if your partner is feeling less attracted due to a pandemic-related reduction in times you dress up to go out, perhaps the two of you can plan weekly date nights and both dress up for dinner together.

Do Your Own Thing

One common misconception many couples have is that spending more time together always increases connection.  Actually, too much time together can do the complete opposite!  Couples need a healthy amount of distance from each other in order for attraction to thrive.  

If you and your partner have been spending more time together than usual since COVID restrictions started, try looking for opportunities to get out of the house.  Consider working at a coffee shop or shared work space, go for more walks throughout the day, and plan activities with your friends that fit with your current COVID comfortability level.

Go Back To the Basics

Uncertainty and excitement at the beginning of a new relationship can be powerful accelerators for attraction.  If you and your partner have been together for a while, a decrease in attraction might be due to too much comfortability or feeling stagnant in your relationship.  

Revisit the things you used to do as a new couple, like going on dates, setting aside time to intentionally spend together, putting away your phone at meals, trying new sex positions, and asking each other thought-provoking questions.  These early dating behaviors remind you of what you originally liked about each other and can reignite attraction.

Coping with the Hurt

Hearing from your partner that they are not as attracted to you as they used to be can trigger painful feelings and may even damage your self-esteem.  Instead of pushing away these feelings, explore them and get curious about what they need. Perhaps it is to build more confidence in yourself, set boundaries with your partner if they are being overly-critical, or revisit old rejection wounds.

For more information on how to improve attraction in your relationship and cope with related emotions, schedule an appointment with an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist.

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Should You Stay Friends with Your Ex?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Letting go of your partner after breaking up can feel excruciating.  The grief of saying goodbye to dreams you had as a couple is often compounded by the sheer loss of the other person’s companionship.  For many, the answer lies in these three words: “Let’s stay friends.”

Staying friends with an ex is controversial.  Some swear it’s a terrible idea, and others have been successful at doing so.  The answer to whether or not you should stay friends with your ex is not as straightforward as you might hope.  Everybody’s situation is different.  Ask yourself the questions below for help making this very individualized decision:

Are you safe?

If your ex was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, the answer to this question is an automatic “no.”  Although it’s hard to say goodbye to an ex, even if the relationship was toxic, protecting your safety has to be a top priority.  To cope with feelings of heartbreak or loneliness in a healthy way, spend more time with your friends, join a support group, pick up a new hobby, or start going to therapy.  The sadness you feel now won’t last forever.  Soon, you’ll thank yourself for moving on from something that wasn’t healthy.

How will your decision affect future relationships?

When deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex, play the mental tape forward to when you’re ready to begin a new relationship.  Will having your ex in your life prolong your ability to feel ready to be with someone else?  How might your next partner react if you tell them you’re hanging out with your ex?  The answers to these questions will likely depend on the seriousness of you and your ex-partner’s relationship.  Be honest with yourself as you answer them, and set yourself up for future success.

Is there still chemistry?

Chemistry in a friendship can make it...well...hard to stay just friends!  Ask yourself how likely it is that you’ll be tempted to be romantic or sexual with your ex while trying to have a friendly hangout.  Even if you know you can resist, is your friendship worth the agony of longing?

What are the benefits?

Sometimes, maintaining or rekindling a friendship with an ex can be healing.  You may also genuinely like your ex and consider them a valuable addition to your social circle.  Before deciding, weigh the costs and benefits of a friendship.  If you’re struggling to identify any benefits, get curious about your real motives, and decide accordingly.

Although it can seem like everyone has their own opinion on whether or not friendship with an ex is a good- or even possible- idea, the truth is there is no one “right” decision.  Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex requires considering many factors and using self-honesty and wisdom.  Considering the history of your relationship, the current state of it, and your potential future relationships can help you put the decision in context and make the choice most likely to serve you in the long run.

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The Mindset Shift That Could Permanently Improve Your Relationship Satisfaction

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine you’re in the market for a new car.  There are several things on your list of qualities the car must have:  four doors, five-star safety features, adequate trunk space, and over 20 miles of miles per gallon of gas.

You’ll likely find a number of cars that meet this criteria, so what do you do?  Do you test drive a few and ultimately pick one that meets your needs and falls within your budget?  Or do you go above and beyond- test driving dozens, analyzing which rides the smoothest, which has a backup camera, which has satellite radio, a sunroof, the best speakers, built-in GPS navigation?

It turns out, the way you pick your next car is likely similar to the way you choose a life partner.  And your decision making process might actually impact how satisfied you are with your choice.

Maximizers vs. Satisficers

Maximizers are people who attempt to make the absolute best decisions possible.  They often compare the small details of each option to one another and might even continue to compare their choice to others after making it.

Satisficers also want to make right decisions, but don’t compare choices nearly as much.  They simply look for what meets their needs, and when they find it, they accept it without worrying whether or not they could have found something better.

In the context of relationships, satisficers are more likely to settle down with the first person they date who treats them well and meets their standards, whereas maximizers may continue to date and break up with partners until they find one they feel is superior to the rest.

Who’s Better Off?

Nobody wants to marry or stay with the wrong person.  Maximizers often rationalize their decisions to break up with one “good enough” person in pursuit of someone “even better” by thinking this will make them happier in the long run.  Satisficers, however, may be the ones who are better off.

Research shows that the relationship satisfaction of maximizers, despite their efforts to find perfect partners, tends to be less stable than that of satisficers.  Maximizers are often happy with their partners initially, but experience more relationship dissatisfaction as their partner’s looks decline with change, or if their partner experiences a reduction in income.  Maximizers are also more likely to compare their partners to other people’s partners, which of course is a problem, since “the grass is always greener on the other side.”

Satisficers are better able to weather the changes in their partners’ looks and financial circumstances, since they chose them on the basis of their essential needs being met and don’t typically bother themselves with thinking about what else is out there.  They experience less anxiety, fear, and regret, as they’re not overwhelmed with options or thinking about what they might have missed.  Satisficers are, to put it simply, more easily satisfied.

How To Be More of a Satisficer

In a culture that promotes trading up via swiping on dating apps or even divorce, becoming more of a satisficer takes intentional effort.  The strategies below can help increase satisfaction with healthy, good-enough relationships, and reduce the impulse to continue searching for someone perfect.

List out your needs and wants

In relationships, needs are the qualities in a partner required for you to feel safe, valued, supported, and loved.  Wants are like the icing on the cake.  While they’re enjoyable, they are not absolutely necessary.  Whether you are dating or in a long-term relationship, listing out your needs in a relationship vs. your wants can help you realize when the person you have is enough to hold onto.

Limit your choices

Some dating apps allow for endless swiping, which can create the illusion that there is always someone better right at your fingertips.  Set a limit for yourself on how much time per day you’ll allow yourself to spend swiping, or opt for an app like Hinge that limits the amount of likes you can send in a day.

Commit

After identifying your needs and finding someone who fulfills them, make the decision to commit to this person.  As difficulties in your relationship arise, assuming they aren’t egregious offenses such as abuse, opt to work through them instead of dumping your person and beginning the search for someone better.  Remember, all relationships come with unique struggles, no matter how perfect your partner seems at first.

Communicate

When you notice an area for improvement in your relationship, openly communicate your feelings to your partner, rather than assuming you’d be better off finding someone with the qualities they’re missing.  Tell your partner what’s bothering you, get to the root of why it’s happening, and decide together what can be done to address it.  Communication will help fix the problem, and your vulnerability will bring you and your partner closer together.

At some point or another in any of your relationships, you will realize that your partner is not perfect.  Remember this truth as you date, as well as once you’re already committed.  While searching for the best of the best might seem like an attractive way to avoid relationship difficulty later on, the truth is, relationship happiness in the long run comes from finding satisfaction with your partner, as imperfect as they may be.

Questions To Ask When You Just Found Out You’ve Been Cheated On

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you found out today that your partner cheated on you, what questions would you have?  Would you want to know how many times?  What about what the other person looked like?  Would you want to know where their encounters took place or who was better in bed?

All of these questions are normal.  If you’ve been betrayed, trying to understand the experience better is part of coping with the pain.  Yet according to Esther Perel, a researcher who has studied infidelity for over a decade, not all questions are helpful.  What kind of questions, then, should you be asking if you’ve recently learned of your partner’s infidelity and are in the process of deciding what to do next?

Detective vs. Investigative Questions

Perel categorizes inquiries about your partner’s affair into two categories.  “Detective” questions are focused on the dirty details, such as what your partner’s fling looks like, what kinds of moves they had in bed, where they met up, and how their body parts compare to yours.

Investigative questions are focused on the meaning and motives of the infidelity.  One common myth society holds is that when a person cheats on their partner, it is because there was a problem with the relationship, they were no longer attracted to their partner, or the sex was subpar.  While these things might be true, it’s also possible that an affair has nothing to do with the deceived partner at all.

Other Reasons for Affairs

Often, infidelity has more to do with the cheater themselves than the relationship, the partner who got cheated on, or the person who the affair was with.  Cheating can serve as a way for the betrayer to get back in touch with a part of themselves they lost, grasp for independence, reawaken a sense of aliveness, or cope with a recent loss.  

While these motives are not excuses, you must understand them in order to make the decision of whether to stay or leave.  If you do decide to stay, understanding the reasons behind your partner’s affair will be essential for healing and rebuilding trust.

Ask These Questions

After finding out you’ve been cheated on, Perel recommends asking a series of investigative questions, such as:

• Were you thinking about us when you cheated?

• Do you want to stay together?

• If so, are you here for me or the family?

• What is it about us that you value?

• Did you hope I would somehow find out?

• Did you think about the children?

• What was it like when you came home?

• What do you think we can learn from this affair together?

These questions will get to the root of why your partner made their choices.  They will also highlight the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship, which you can use to determine whether or not the relationship is salvageable and what needs to be addressed if it is.

Fighting the Urge To Know Everything

Knowing that “detective questions” are not helpful won’t remove your desire to know their answers.  Refraining from asking them takes effort and self-control.  Acknowledge your desire to know the details of your partner’s extra-relational experiences, and remind yourself of something Perel, herself, frequently says to her clients:

“Do you want your partner to know you have this question, or do you want to know the answer?  Because once you know the answer, you have to live with knowing.”

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Hard to Love: Is an Avoidant Attachment Style Ruining Your Relationships?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve been dating for a while and have yet to find success, you may feel like your relationships keep ending for the same reasons over and over again.  Maybe you keep feeling like nobody you date is “good enough,” or that things tend to go great until the relationship becomes more serious, and you suddenly lose interest.  If this is the case for you, an avoidant attachment style may be to blame.

How Attachment Styles Form

When you were a baby, your understanding of relationships started with the ones between you and your caregivers.  Based upon their availability and ability to meet your needs, you formed beliefs about yourself and others that have played a role in every relationship you’ve had since.  These subconscious beliefs and the way they impact your behavior in relationships are called your attachment system or attachment style.

An avoidant attachment style is often caused by caregivers who were unavailable or emotionally unresponsive most of the time, or by caregivers who were dangerous.  A child’s response to such is often withdrawal and self-reliance.

How an Avoidant Attachment Style Impacts Relationships

Years later, an avoidant attachment style shows itself in romantic relationships in ways such as difficulty growing close to or bonding with partners, surface level relationships, extreme independence, difficulty expressing emotions or being vulnerable, and rigid boundaries.  If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may find fault with every person you date, have unrealistically high standards, or idealize a past romantic partner and compare each person you date afterwards to him or her, finding that they never measure up.

Because of your avoidant attachment style, others may characterize you as cold, nonchalant, or a “player.”  What many people don’t realize about the avoidant attachment style, however, is that it’s goal is to keep you safe.  According to an avoidant attachment system, if you never rely on anybody but yourself, others can’t hurt you or let you down.

The challenge with the avoidant attachment style is that all people are biologically hardwired for relationships.  Even the most independent people eventually find themselves feeling lonely yet unable to build a secure bond with someone else.  Thankfully, attachment styles are not set in stone.  These steps can help you heal and build connections leading to a deeper sense of happiness and fulfillment:

Step 1: Identify the Stories

Every time you have an experience, you subconsciously interpret its meaning based upon your past experiences.  For example, if you grew up with a parent who paid little attention to your needs, you might tell yourself that expressing your needs to your partner isn’t worth it because they won’t be met anyways.  If you were responsible for taking care of siblings at an early age because of absent parents, you might believe that it’s better not to get attached to anybody because ultimately, the only person you can count on is yourself.

Next time you date, or when you notice your partner’s attempts at physical or emotional intimacy, bring your awareness to the messages, or stories, you are unconsciously telling yourself.  Because you’re likely not used to noticing these thoughts and feelings, you might not be able to identify them right away.  Be patient and stay curious about your experience and see what you discover over time.

Step 2: Challenge the Stories

Once you’re aware of the unhelpful stories you tell yourself, you can begin to challenge them.  If you catch yourself thinking, “This is weird,” when your partner shares something vulnerable, reframe the thought by saying something to yourself like, “Vulnerability is healthy.”  If you realize you’re starting to pick apart a partner you were once crazy about in an effort to distance them as the relationship gets more serious, try reminding yourself that nobody is perfect, but relationships between two imperfect people can be healthy, supportive, and enjoyable.

Step 3: Sit with Uncomfortable Feelings

Noticing your internal stories and challenging them is not comfortable.  Neither is opening up to another person when you’ve learned to be entirely self-sufficient.  If your goal is to be in a relationship, practice sitting with the discomfort that comes up as you face these obstacles.  Breathe as you notice these feelings and resist the urge to act on them by pulling away from your partner.  With time you’ll find that your discomfort becomes weaker and weaker, until it finally subsides entirely.

Step 4: Share Uncomfortable Feelings

As you do this work, share your experiences with your partner.  Tell them what you are feeling, where you believe the feeling comes from, how important it is for you to work through it, and what they can do to help.  Sharing your feelings will allow you to feel supported by your partner, and it’s a valuable exercise in intimacy.

If you have an avoidant attachment style, reading these steps may have brought up feelings of discomfort for you already.  Now is the time to practice uncovering the roots of these feelings, challenging your limiting beliefs, and sitting with the discomfort.  As you get more and more familiar with your experiences, you can begin to share them with trusted friends, family, and of course, the person you ultimately want to be in a healthy, mutually supportive relationship with.

If you’re interested in learning more about your attachment style, how it formed, and what you can do to change it, reach out to an ELEVATED Life Counseling therapist by clicking the “Contact Us” tab above.

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Summer Body Image

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that feeling when you step outside and realize, finally, the weather is starting to get warmer?  The shift from winter into spring and summer feels hopeful in many ways.  Finally, activities like hiking, biking, going on long walks, and lounging by the pool will soon be possible again.  Warmer weather also means less clothing.  If body image is something you struggle with, this fact alone might be enough to turn that feeling of hopefulness into one of dread.

What Is Body Image?

Body image is a term meaning the way you see your body along with the feelings and judgments you have about it.  Body image includes the way you perceive your body shape, height, weight, skin tone, birthmarks, freckles, scars, hair, and everything else in between.  Your body image can be either positive, negative, or neutral, and it can change by the day.  For instance, some days, you may feel super sexy in your bikini, while others, curling up under a rock until winter returns may sound better than leaving the house in shorts.

How to Improve Body Image

When working with clients who struggle with body image, I have several go-to strategies.  Try these tips to improve your body image and get out of your head about what you look like in your clothes this summer:

Deconstruct the Ideal

The first thing I always do with clients who want to improve their body image is investigate when and where they first started developing their beliefs about what the ideal body looks like.  For many, it was parents who constantly dieted, media, or kids at school who picked on them for their appearance.  Identify pivotal moments in your past when you decided your body was not good enough.  Then, talk back to these beliefs from a place of self-compassion.

Don’t Believe Everything You Think

During my internship while in school to become a therapist, I worked at an outpatient center that primarily specializes in the treatment of eating disorders.  My supervisor at the time gave me a piece of information to pass onto clients that I will always remember.  She said, “We are incapable of seeing what we really look like.”

Whether you are looking in the mirror or at a picture of yourself, the image you see is filtered through all of your judgments, previous experiences, beliefs about yourself, and your mood that day, therefore making it impossible to see yourself accurately.  This is the reason why we can look at a picture of ourselves and hate it, and then 2 years later look at the same picture and think we look great.

Next time you hear your brain pointing out everything that’s wrong with your body.  Stop it in its tracks and remind yourself that you likely do not look exactly the way you think you do.

Focus on the Positives

One symptom of negative body image is paying disproportionate attention to the parts of your body you don’t like while ignoring the parts you either like or feel neutral towards.  You may also lose sight of your positive qualities that have nothing to do with appearance whatsoever.  Make a list of all the things you like about yourself.  When you catch yourself hyperfocusing on body parts you’re dissatisfied with, intentionally redirect your attention to a positive quality instead.

Try for Body Neutrality

Sometimes, the idea of body love or body positivity feels impossible.  In these cases, it can actually feel more shameful to hold yourself to the standard of loving your body.  Instead, aim for body neutrality.  Try thinking about the functions of body parts you don’t like rather than the way they look.  For example, if you really don’t like your legs, practice appreciating them for getting you to places you need to go, disregarding their appearance altogether.

Address Underlying Issues

More often than not, negative body image is a reflection of other issues beneath the surface, such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, and lack of satisfaction in other areas of life.  When you notice body dissatisfaction show up, check in with how you’re feeling in your relational, work, physical health, and spiritual life.  Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about your discoveries, and problem solve where necessary.  Chances are, body distress will alleviate in accordance with these issues.

Next Steps

Society is full of messaging about what it means to look “good” during the summer months.  If you’re experiencing heightened feelings of body dissatisfaction as the weather warms up, practice these strategies daily.  For more support, reach out to one of our therapists here at ELEVATED Life Counseling by clicking the “Contact Us” tab above.

How To Be an Antiracist White Partner in an Interracial Relationship

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Between 1967 and 2015, interracial marriage has increased by almost 600%.  This statistic reflects more acceptance of interracial relationships now than in prior decades, but as evidenced by countless instances of systemic racism and police brutality, coming to a head with the murder of George Floyd in May of 2020, the issue of racism in America is far from gone.

More recently, Rachel Kirkconnell, winner of Season 25 of The Bachelor, which is known for being the first season to feature a Black Bachelor, was exposed for attending and taking pictures at an antebellum plantation-themed party during college, ultimately leading to the end of her relationship with James.

Hopefully, if you are in a relationship, you recognize the importance of supporting your partner.  For white people in interracial relationships, the responsibility of supporting a partner of color include not only basic validation and encouragement, but also self-exploration, participation in difficult conversations, education, and advocacy.  Read on to learn how to do the work.

Know and Explore your Biases

Whether you realize it or not, you carry conscious and/or unconscious beliefs about race.  Part of being a white ally and partner means digging up your embedded beliefs about people of color from various backgrounds.  Ask yourself what kind of messaging you received about Black, Latinx, Indigenous, Middle-Eastern, and South Asian people growing up.  How did these messages differ from the ones you received about white people, and how do they impact you and your relationship with your partner and their family today?  

Listen and Learn, Even When It’s Uncomfortable

Once you’ve identified your inherent biases, the next step is to challenge them.  This means consuming antiracist books, documentaries, podcasts, and webinars, as well as submerging yourself in diverse communities, and having conversations with your partner about what it is like for them to be a person of color in America.  

Challenging racial ignorance, biases, and insensitivity can feel uncomfortable, but it is necessary.  Take in new information with an open mind, and invite curiosity about what you can learn from your partner’s experiences that you didn't know before.  Ask your partner how you can support them in difficult situations instead of assuming you know what they need.

Advocate

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Education without social action is a one-sided value because it has no true power potential.”  Knowing about racial inequality and its impact on your partner may be validating for them, but unless antiracist white allies take action, little will ever be solved.  

Utilize your abilities by attending protests, donating to organizations, standing up to others who make racist comments, and spreading your knowledge to other white people in your circle.  Ask your partner what it would be like for the two of you to engage in activism together.  Understand that they might find this empowering or bonding, or they might feel exhausted by the idea after already having to explain racism and face racial bias day after day.  Validate your partner and continue to advocate for racial justice and equality either way.

Acknowledging your whiteness and its privileges can be uncomfortable both in and out of a relationship.  In order to be an antiracist partner and member of society, taking steps to understand privilege and bias, educate yourself on race, and communicate with your partner and others about the topic is necessary.  For more information about how to have difficult yet effective conversations with your partner, please see the “Contact Us” tab above.

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5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will?  Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers?  In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations.  When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship.  When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.

While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s.  Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important.  When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not.  Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.

Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:

Effort

In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it.  Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally.  If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently.  Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to.  If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.

Time

Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between.  Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.

Affection

What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend?  Affection.  Affection can be verbal or physical.  Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know.  Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”

Treatment

This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner.  No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them.  Identify your limits.  What constitutes grounds for breaking up?  Is it cheating?  Name calling?  Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end?  Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept.  Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.

Communication

Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication.  Decide with your partner what good communication looks like.  If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship.  While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.”  On the surface, these seem like good answers.  But are they enough?

In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past.  Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t.  Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.

Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.

Here’s how to do it:

Identify Similar Values

Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time.  Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.

What life-driving values do you have in common?  Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling.  Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.

Write Your Mission Statement

Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together.  Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple.  Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house.  If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire.  When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?

What Do You Need To Change?

On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise.  Why?  Because you were wildly and passionately in love.  But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?

At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married.  If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.” 

Live Your Reason

Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day.  If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner.  Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole.  Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily.  This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.

It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit.  Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.

Relationships can be difficult.  When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed?  For some people, this is a new idea.  If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.

How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with?  When was the last time you felt that?  If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry.  You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.

According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky.  After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.

It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together.  Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:

Set Aside Time for Each Other

Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner.  Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind.  It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.

Make Sex a Priority

Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical.  Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates.  There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex.  Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected.  Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.

Express Your Gratitude

Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for.  Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed.  Then, thank him or her sincerely.  It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.

Stay Respectful

Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice.  You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap.  Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry.  For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names.  These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.

If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long.  It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to.  While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them.  Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.

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Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need to Know about Sexual Shame and How to Heal

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How do you feel when you think about sex?  Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love?  If so, give yourself a pat on the back.  You likely enjoy sex.

But what if sex brings up different feelings for you?  Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness?  You may be struggling with sexual shame.  You are not alone.

What is Sexual Shame?

Human sexuality can be a source of intimacy, power, creativity, and pleasure.  Unfortunately, if you grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty, immoral, or tabboo, or if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or a recipient of shaming messages about your body, the thought of sex alone might be enough to make your skin crawl.

Sexual shame is the experience of feeling “bad,” “wrong,” or inferior about any of the following:

• Body size or shape

• Appearance of genitals

• Sexual bodily fluids

• Sexual desire

• Fantasies

• Kinks

• Sexual performance

• Attraction

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Sexual shame can be a result of direct messages from parents or religious figures about sex being dirty, sinful, or shameful.  It can also result from implicit societal messaging, including pornography, advertising, cultural norms, and music.

For example, a child who is caught masturbating and scolded for touching his or her genitals might learn to equate sexual pleasure with immorality.  Similarly, a woman of color who repeatedly sees porn consisting of only slender, white women may come to believe that her body is ugly or undesirable.

Naturally, sexual abuse can create a unique set of negative associations around sex.  Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can struggle with shame caused by blaming themselves for the abuse or feeling like their bodies betrayed them by feeling physical pleasure during something they now know was wrong.

Regardless of the sources of sexual shame, healing is possible with therapy, personal practices, or a combination of both.

Breaking the Curse

If you struggle with sexual shame, hearing friends, R&B artists, and rom com characters talking about the pleasure they feel from sex can feel alienating.  You may feel hopeless, like you’ve been cursed to live a life of sexual dissatisfaction forever.  This is not the case!  The following exercises can help you reduce sexual shame and discover the intimacy and pleasure of sex, maybe for the first time.

Talk About It

Shame thrives in the dark.  Shed light on sexual shame by talking about it with people you trust.  As you notice the feelings that arise when you talk about sexual shame, take deep breaths and imagine them moving through you until they eventually dissipate.  Each time you do this, you will release more of the shame built up inside.

Have Sex with Safe People

Learn or relearn the true beauty of sex by having it with people who accept you and allow you to feel safe in your vulnerability.  Try out different sexual positions, speeds, and activities, making sure to stay open minded while also holding boundaries that align with your values and level of comfortability.

Look at Your Genitals in a Mirror

Believe it or not, many people have not done this.  Get as comfortable with seeing your genitals as you are with seeing the rest of your face and body.  Not comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror at all?  Spend more time looking at your entire being!  The more comfortable you get with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel being naked with another person.

Invite Curiosity about Where Beliefs Come From

If you experience sexual shame but never thought much about it, now is the time to get curious.  Identify the negative beliefs you have about sex or your body, and ask yourself where they come from.  If you realize that they stem from culture or religion, study these structures and develop your own understanding of them.  I’m not saying throw out everything you believe in, but ask yourself if any of your shaming beliefs might be rooted in misinterpretations, or if they are missing a necessary element of self-compassion.  Consider what it would look like to let go of shame and still remain true to your values.

Moving Forward

Sexual shame is not an easy beast to wrestle with.  Often, it is a slow process that requires appreciation for each inch moved closer to appreciation for your sexuality.  To learn more about sexual shame, where it comes from, and how to overcome it, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com

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