3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

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How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

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Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

Getting Cheated on May Have Nothing to Do with You or Your Relationship: So What’s the Problem?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Imagine that you’re in a relationship, and one day, you discover that your partner was unfaithful.  You might immediately ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?” or “What’s missing in this relationship that they had to go somewhere else to find?”  Many people believe that if their partner cheats, it must be due to a shortcoming either in the relationship, sex, or worse- in themselves.  But what if I told you that it’s possible none of those things were the problem?

Esther Perel, Belgian researcher, therapist, and relationship expert, describes in her book on infidelity, The State of Affairs, as well as in her viral TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity,” that there is much more to cheating than often meets the eye.  Societally, we tend to think that only people who are unhappy in their relationships turn to infidelity.  The truth is that even those in the happiest of relationships cheat, and it’s often for one of these two reasons:

Lost Identity

Perel tells a story in both The State of Affairs and her TED Talk about “Priya,” a woman who cheated on her husband with an arborist who came to remove a tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy.  Priya was happy.  She had a good husband and a good marriage.  That was the problem.  Priya had always been good.  She had always done what was expected of her.  Sleeping with the tattooed arborist wasn’t about escaping her happy life.  It was about escaping herself and her pristine identity, thus reclaiming the adolescence she felt she never had.

The same is true for many others in happy marriages.  The rebellion of an affair feels youthful and free when the white picket fence goes from feeling comfortable to confining.  In these cases, cheating isn’t as much about finding someone else as it is being someone else.

Life and Death

Perel also points out that many of her clients report cheating after experiencing some kind of loss, such as the death of a parent or a terminal diagnosis.  Once satisfied with lives made up of dinner with the inlaws and children’s soccer games, an encounter with death leaves many asking, “Is this really all there is?  Am I really going to live the rest of my life without the excitement of being with someone new again?”

When Perel asks her clients what it was like for them to stray, she often hears the same response:  “I felt so alive.”  The secrecy, desire, and danger of an affair create a recipe for adrenaline.  The rush is one that years of marriage can only envy.  When reminded of our own mortality, an affair seemingly grants access to life at its fullest and even feelings of transcendence.  For many, infidelity appears to be what Perel calls “an antidote to deadness.”

I’ve Been Cheated On.  What Do I Do?

As devastating as affairs can be, recovery is possible.  Perel recommends avoiding the surface level questions many ask after being betrayed, such as, “Was she better in bed than me?” or, “Did he look like me?”  Instead, get to the root of the affair by asking questions like, “What did this affair mean to you?”, “How did you feel while it was going on?”, and, “Who were you able to be in that relationship that you felt you could not be with me?”

The answers to these questions can shed light on the underlying feelings and motivations of the partner who cheated.  They also open the door for you, the betrayed, to express how your identity is affected by the relationship, any grievances you may have been keeping secret, and what it takes for you to feel alive and invested in your relationship.  While I would never recommend infidelity to a couple, exploring the causes of it after the fact can lead to new understandings of each other and even deeper levels of intimacy than ever before.

First Date Red Flags: How to Know if One Date is Enough

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

First dates can be complicated.  There’s a lot to consider, such as whether or not you have chemistry with the person, if your values match up, and if they seem like they’d be able to fulfill your needs and wants in a relationship.  All of this just to answer one seemingly simple question:  Do you want to see them again?

After only one date, it’s almost impossible to know if the person who sat across the table from you will be your “happily ever after,” but there are several signs that another date is not a good idea.  Memorize these red flags for later, and if you notice a date doing any of them, don’t ignore it.

They’re on Their Phone

Yes, this is the 21st Century, and we all use our phones much more than we’d like to admit.  However, first dates are the time to put your best foot forward and be present.  If you’re on a date with someone who is constantly texting or has their phone on the table, it could be a sign that they’re not taking their time with you very seriously.  Instead, look for someone who removes all distractions, makes eye contact, and seems engaged in whatever you are doing or talking about.

They’re Late

Look, it happens.  Sometimes, we get caught in traffic, or it takes a bit longer to get ready than anticipated.  If your date sends you a text ahead of time letting you know they’re running late, that’s one thing.  Getting left wondering if you’re being stood up is another.  Showing up late to a date without giving a heads up is disrespectful and a clear indication that the person who’s late doesn’t value the other’s time.  Once again, not a good look on a first date, especially when that’s the time your date is likely on their best behavior.

They Talk Badly About Their Exes

Going into too much detail about an ex on a first date could be perceived as a little strange, but badmouthing an ex is even worse.  Someone who refers to their ex using derogatory names might have used those terms as attacks during the relationship as well, and unfortunately, you could be their next target if the two of you end up in a relationship.  Also, placing all the blame on the other person for the breakup demonstrates a lack of ability to take responsibility for one’s own actions.

They’re Rude to the Staff

If your date is friendly to you but rude to waitstaff or other employees, take it as a warning sign.  It’s easy to be nice to someone when you feel like there’s something in it for you.  You can learn a lot more about a person by watching how they treat people they aren’t trying to impress.  Chances are, after being together for long enough, your date’s true colors- the ones you saw when they rolled their eyes at the waitress or made a passive aggressive remark to their doorman- will start coming out towards you, too.

They Get Wasted

Getting sloppy drunk on a first date is a big red flag.  If your date drinks too much, it could either mean they aren’t able to control their alcohol consumption, or they don’t care enough to practice self-control when going out with a new person.  Both of these could be warning signs of substance abuse or a lack of preparedness to be in a relationship.  Instead, opt for someone who is fun, but shows you respect by getting to know the real you and allowing you to learn more about the real them.

Figuring out if someone is the right person for you requires going on more than just a first date.  However, the first date can be telling.  If you see any of these red flags, seriously consider whether or not going on more dates is worth the future risks.  Remember, the dating pool is full of potential partners who are respectful, mature, and ready for a relationship.

This Foolproof Strategy Can Help You Achieve Your 2021 Relationship Goals

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you thought about your goals for 2021?  After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless.  Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.

If you’re single, you may be taking advantage of the current slump in the dating scene by dedicating more time to work.  Or maybe you’re on the apps, looking for another brave soul who’s willing to bundle up for an outdoor coffee date.  Whether your ultimate 2021 goal is to end up in a relationship or make a power move in your single life, there’s one strategy that is sure to work better than the rest.

Grab a notebook and pencil and keep reading to learn how to work towards your 2021 goals everyday, no matter what the year may hold.

The “Average Perfect Day” Method

Accomplishing a goal does not happen overnight.  Achievement is something you have to work for little by little every day.  Your habits might seem insignificant on their own, but over days, weeks, and months, they add up to dictate the direction of your life.  Building habits that help you reach your goals starts with imagining what one “perfect” day in the journey would look like, then acting out elements of that day on a regular basis.

Step 1: Identify Your Dream

At this first stage, you don’t need to worry about being realistic.  If you could have anything you wanted by the end of 2021, what would it be?  An exclusive relationship?  Six-figures?  The sky’s the limit.  Bonus points if you base your dream off your values or sense of purpose.

Step 2:  Choose A Realistic End Goal

In order to feel motivated to work towards a goal, you need to know that it’s reachable.  To decide on a realistic end goal, take into account the unpredictability of 2021 and ask yourself what you’re certain you can accomplish by the end of the year.  Then, push it one step further.  Research shows you’re more likely to feel motivated to work towards a goal you’re just shy of 100% sure you can achieve it.

Step 3:  Plan Your Perfect Day

Visualize what it would look like for you to live one day in perfect alignment with your goal.  Try asking yourself:

• What time would I wake up?

• What would I do in the morning?

• What would I wear?

• What would I listen to or watch?

• How would my space look?

• What kinds of activities would I engage in?

• Who would I talk to?

• What would I eat?

• How much movement would I get?

• What kind of thoughts would I have?

• What would I do before bed?

• What time would I go to sleep?

If your goal is to go on dates in hopes of beginning a relationship, you might include plenty of social activities to improve your chances of meeting a partner.  If your goal is to go on a solo trip, your ideal day might include working on a side hustle to save extra money.  The great thing about planning an average perfect day is that no matter what you hope to accomplish, there are simple things you can do each day to help increase your chances of success.

Step 4:  Anticipate Change

Even without a pandemic, life is unpredictable.  It’s important to leave room for change in your plans.  This year, consider how your average perfect day might look different in the face of COVID restrictions.  What are some substitute activities you can do if lockdowns or social gathering-limits take place?  Consider making several average perfect day plans to account for changing circumstances.

Step 5:  Live with Flexibility

After you’ve created your average perfect day plan, the final step is to live it out.  Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect day.  Very rarely will your days look exactly like the one you wrote out.  The key is to regularly include elements from your plan into your daily life.  That way, even if reaching your dream takes longer than you’d hoped, you can be sure that each day of 2021 was a step in the right direction.

Goal-setting before the beginning of a New Year can seem daunting.  To work towards achievement and make sure that every day counts along the way, consider several different versions of how your average perfect day might look.  Then be intentional about living out elements of ideal day everyday.

What are some of your dreams for 2021?  Tell me on Instagram at @teawithmc or schedule a free phone consultation for help planning a fulfilling and successful year.

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The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that old saying, “They always come back”?  Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere.  In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex.  And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.

Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes, they’re bored.  Sometimes, they’re lonely.  If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past.  Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.

Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:

Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect.  Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge.  If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.

Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt.  Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back.  Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting.  Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business.  Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.

Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody.  There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately.  In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.

Ask Yourself These Questions

What am I feeling?

The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions.  It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling.  Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them.  You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.

How are my emotions influencing my decision?

Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10.  Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response.  If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix.  If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences.  Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.

How will responding impact me emotionally?

Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back.  How about an hour after?  How about next week?  In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness.  In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.

Takeaways

Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting.  Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight.  Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point.  When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.

How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Quality time.  Physical touch.  Words of affirmation.  Gifts.  Acts of service.  Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak.  Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners.  Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship.  Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.

Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want?  Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work?  If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place.  I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired.  Keep reading to find out.

Give Examples

Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you.  I mean something you had no idea how to do.  You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions.  If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.).  Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.

Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen.  This is true, partly.  It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them.  However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away.  Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language.  For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.

Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement

Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them.  Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.”  Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language.  Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.

Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is.  Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it.  What are some specific ways your partner can show you love?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Every Single’s Guide to Thriving During the 2020 Holidays

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I’ve got a quiz for you!  Which of the following statements most accurately summarizes your feelings about being single during the holidays?

1. Love it!  Fewer gifts to buy.

2. I’m a bit lonely, nothing too serious.

3. Annoyed.  If I see another diamond commercial on Hulu, I’ll scream.

4. I have decided not to leave the house until March.

I think we’re all aware that being single during the holidays can be tough.  You know how it is.  Seasonal rom coms start clogging up your Netflix recommendations.  Matching pajamas on Instagram.  All that stuff that’s fun and cute unless you’re the one not doing it.  Even if you answered “A” and love being single, Aunt Karen with the questions about why you’re still single can get pretty annoying this time of year.

It’s normal to experience loneliness or sadness around the holidays whether you’re single or not. Sometimes being single, though, can amplify these feelings.  According to the Girlboss article, “How To Cope When The Holiday Blues Creep In,” these feelings can be attributed to stress, high expectations, and increased media focus on love and relationships during the holiday season.  Use these tips to fight relationship FOMO, continue your journey of self-growth, and live your most satisfying life during the 2020 holidays.

Start a Gratitude Journal

Sometimes during singleness, it feels really easy to focus on everything that you’re missing out on.  This year, start a list of everything you do have.  Focus specifically on experiences you’re thankful for that wouldn’t be possible if you were in a relationship.  The more you list, the more you’ll start to notice the beauty of this time in your life.

Go Back To Your Values

So much of my work involves helping clients identify and live according to their values.  Why?  Because values are your roadmap to a deep sense of joy.  You will never be happy 100% of the time, but as long as you act in accordance with your values, you will create a life of meaningful and fulfilling experiences, and you will grow into a person you love.  Complete this worksheet by Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, to learn about your values.  Then, make a list of all the values-guided activities you can do this holiday season.

Give Back

Change your perspective on life this year by improving someone else’s.  Volunteering to help others reduces your focus on your own problems.  It also feels really good to know you’re bettering someone else’s holiday experience, even if you’re not completely happy about your own.  Chicago dwellers, check out this Thrillist article to find local volunteer opportunities according to your skillset.

Invest in Yourself

This holiday season, take the money you would have spent on gifts for a significant other and put it towards something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself.  Maybe you’ve been thinking about taking an online course or buying a new camera to start your YouTube channel.  No matter what is, now is a great time to take the next step towards that goal you’ve had waiting for you on the back burner.

Being single during the holidays isn’t always easy, but it can be a time of deep contentment, gratitude, and development.  What’s your favorite winter holiday?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Eating Disorder Recovery: Coping with Feeling Full During the Holidays

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Well, here we are, everyone.  Somehow, after eight months of the world being turned upside down by the Coronavirus Pandemic, we made it to the Holiday Season.  Thanksgiving is already a week away!  While the Winter Holidays can be joyful, those in eating disorder recovery often find this time stressful and triggering.

Almost every holiday celebrated in the United States involves food, but none of them can compete with Thanksgiving- the holiday that is literally centered around eating.  After Thanksgiving, the holiday parties and cookie exchanges commence, creating what can feel like a month of endless consumption.  For people in eating disorder recovery, these events are often ruined by feelings of anxiety, shame, and insecurity induced by feelings of fullness after eating more than what one is typically used to.  If this is true for you, try the following tips this Season to reclaim the Holiday fun and minimize the effects of uncomfortable emotions.

Remind Yourself That This Is Normal

On an average day, would eating five servings of mashed potatoes be considered typical?  Um...no.  Probably not.  But on Thanksgiving?  Absolutely!  Food is a biological necessity, but it is also social.  Food has historically always been a focal point of gatherings.  It is healthy and normal to eat more of it than usual when you are at a social event.  Even if you eat past the point of moderate fullness at which you would normally stop, it is still normal.  It is also normal to eat an average amount of food if that is really all you are hungry for.  This Holiday Season, give your body permission to have what it wants.  Remember that people all over the world are doing the same exact thing, and all of you will be okay.

Distract Yourself

If you’re recovering from an eating disorder, you’re probably familiar with the overwhelming emotions that often show up after a large meal.  In order to cope with these feelings, distract yourself after mealtime by playing a board game, going for a gentle walk, sparking up an interesting conversation with a friend or family member, or watching a funny movie.  By the time you’re done with whatever activity you choose, you’ll likely find that intense feelings of fullness have subsided, and you’re back to a comfortable level of satisfaction.

Accept Uncomfortable Feelings

The truth is, sometimes uncomfortable emotions are unavoidable.  The good news is that no matter how unpleasant your feelings are, they will eventually subside.  Remember that feeling “good” is not a prerequisite for doing the things that you value.  If you find yourself experiencing anxiety or shame after a large meal this Holiday Season, try accepting your feelings and choosing to do whatever you would be doing if you weren’t feeling that way.  For example, if you’re feeling anxious, you might be tempted to sit out on a family board game after Thanksgiving dinner.  Notice this urge, then play the game anyways.  Your emotions will pass either way.  Balancing them out with activities you value will help you get the most out of your Holiday experience, even if it isn’t 100% enjoyable.

This year, there is more to worry about during the holiday season than ever before.  Don’t let guilt, shame, or anxiety about feeling full take away more from your experience than the Pandemic already has.  Practice these three skills this week after eating regular-sized meals so you can be ready to put them to use during the next month and a half.  This could be the year you conquer the holiday meal blues once and for all.

You Can Have It All: Expert Secrets to Balancing Love and Your Career

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams.  If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

Lady Gaga

✦

“I can live without money, but I can’t live without love.”

Judy Garland

If you are a career-driven person, you might be wondering if it’s possible to be successful at work while dating or maintaining a romantic relationship.  Society constantly sends messages that make it seem like you have to choose one or the other.  You can work, or you can be a mom.  You can be a devoted husband, or you can travel for business.  Our brains like this kind of “either-or” thinking because it makes information easy to categorize.  However, in a world full of shades of grey, dichotomies like these are rarely ever true.  You can, in all actuality, have both.

Devoting energy to a satisfying love life and a thriving career takes work.  When you aren’t taking intentional, proactive steps to maintain balance, one of the two can easily fall to the wayside.  To find and hold onto love without having to sacrifice your career, follow these four crucial steps.

Clarify Your Goals

Before making any decisions, it’s important to clarify what you really want.  Zeroing in on your goals will help you prioritize your time in a way that’s most likely to lead to fulfillment both relationally and career-wise.  If you have a goal to be in a serious relationship by 30, and at the age of 28 you’re working 80-hour weeks with no time to date, you might need to make some changes, such as hiring an assistant, delegating tasks, or making a lateral move to a company that prioritizes its employees’ work-life balance.  Knowing specifically what you want empowers you to think creatively about how you can remove roadblocks along the way.

Communicate Expectations

One major reason couples experience dissatisfaction in relationships is because they do not effectively communicate their expectations.  If you’re someone who likes to prioritize your career during the week and socialize only on the weekends, a person who wants to spend 3 full days per week together is probably not the right match for you, and you’re both better off knowing that right from the start.  The good news- there is likely someone out there who has preferences similar to yours.  When you communicate your expectations, you increase your chances of finding a person who meets them.

Set Boundaries

When you’re really passionate about something, like work or the person you’re dating, it’s easy to push the limits on how much time you’re willing to dedicate to it.  If you have the urge to spend extra time working or with your partner, that’s great!  It only becomes a problem if the time you’re spending on one area of your life compromises your goals in another.  Decide how much of your time you want to spend on work and how much you want to save for your romantic life.  Then, stick to your decision, knowing that doing so will help you achieve a fulfilling and balanced lifestyle.

Be Present

Whether you’re spending time with your significant other or at the office, eliminate as many distractions as possible.  Keep your phone out of sight on dates to prevent anxiety over work calls or emails.  When you’re working, turn off notifications for your social media accounts.  Staying present will help you be more productive at work or connected during a date.  Also, when you’re engaged in the present moment, you’re more likely to enjoy whatever it is you’re doing.

Contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to have a satisfying love life along with a successful career.  While this might not happen totally naturally, you can actively take steps to promote happiness with both aspects of your life.  Next time you find yourself thinking that you have to give up one passion in order to live out another, think again.  The question isn’t “Can I do this?”  The question is “How?”

Troubleshooting Your Goals: Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was.  The human experience has always fascinated me.  When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes.  I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above.  Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true.  She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.

Sure enough, at the end of the next year, I filled out my course request form, turned it in immediately, and beamed when I received my schedule for the next year.  There it was, Intro to Psychology, 2nd period.  The rest is history.

Having to wait until my sophomore year of high school to take my first psychology class was only one of the roadblocks I faced while working towards my current career.  In fact, when this all happened, I had no idea that I would end up where I am now.  I admit, becoming a mental health counselor was a thought in the back of my mind, but at that point, there was still a long road ahead of me.

I ended up pursuing a Bachelor’s of Science in Special Education and spent my first two years out of college teaching high school World Studies.  By the end of my first year, I was already thinking about going back to school, get a master’s degree, and becoming a therapist for young adults dealing with a lot of the same issues I was handling at the time.  In order to accomplish this goal, I had to resign from my first career, select a master’s program that aligned with my goals, get rejected from my dream school, and hustle my way through 2016-2019 in the service industry while I worked on my degree.

Plenty of times, I stumbled, got lost, and had to reassess my roadmap along the way.  Here are some troubleshooting questions I asked myself during the times I felt stuck:⠀⠀

1.  Is what I’m currently doing leading me towards what I ultimately want out of life?

Before solidifying my decision to make the jump from teaching to counseling, I had to seriously think about this.  I realized that I was working in a field that would never bring me the income, schedule flexibility, opportunity to use my entrepreneurial skills, or career autonomy that I knew I wanted.  I had to ultimately decide that it was time to make a change, even though I knew it would mean struggling hard for 2.5 years.

2.  How motivated am I?

Sometimes, not very.  I applied to one university for undergrad, and I chose it because I didn’t have to write an essay (my 17 year-old self was not having it 😂.).  At the age of 22, I still hated filling out applications, so I put it off for a while.  In order to begin working towards my goal, I had to find the willingness to sit down, complete applications, collect letters of recommendation, figure out how to work a fax machine, and yes, write a few essays.  The interesting thing about this is that I never wanted, per se, to do any of it.  What I wanted was my dream career.  By focusing on the bigger picture, I was able to harness the energy and drive to take the necessary steps forward, even though not all of them were particularly enjoyable.

3.  Are my goals realistic?

I thought they were!  Then, after getting rejected from a very prestigious grad program, I had to grieve my dream and adjust my expectations. I got good grades in undergrad, but I did no extracurriculars.  Getting into a top-10 school was likely not going to be in the cards for me.  Instead, I found an incredible program that also saved me at least $100,000.  Turns out the original goal I had might have fed my ego and starved my bank account.  Getting rejected and having to adjust my expectations for what my path would look like was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

4.  Am I taking care of myself?

Sometimes, I wasn’t.  Being in grad school and working in the service industry meant staying up very late, which I found was not working for me.  I was losing motivation, resenting my school work, and just not enjoying the process.  I found a service industry job with hours that allowed me to stay focused on school and self-care.  Changing jobs was not ideal in the middle of an already-stressful semester, but if I hadn’t done so, I might have ended up burning out before even beginning my career.

5.  What do I need to focus on now?

Like I said, I am obsessed with psychology.  During grad school, I often felt frustrated because I didn’t have the time to go to mental health conferences around the country or spend hours everyday recreationally browsing the latest research on dating apps.  Instead, I made a promise to myself that after graduation, I would spend time every week reading about the issues that were important to my clients.  For the rest of my school career, I focused on each assignment, one at a time.  I made a point to find the value in all of them, even if some didn’t seem directly related to the population I eventually wanted to work with.  I did something I often encourage my clients to do when facing disillusionment about how far away from their ultimate goal they currently are:  I embraced the “now.”  As a result, I not only learned a lot of really great technical information that I likely would not have looked up on my own, I also enjoyed learning it a lot more than I would have if I kept lamenting about not being able to do more self-directed tasks.

The truth is the bigger your dreams are, the more walls you will likely hit along the way.  These barriers are not reasons to quit!  Breaking down, going around, and jumping over the obstacles that come up along your path to success helps you build resilience and grit.  The more you overcome, the more confident you become in your ability to succeed despite whatever challenges life may throw at you next.

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Vulnerability and The Bachelorette: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Too Soon?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods.  The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another.  Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school.  Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him.  The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.

At the age of 39, Clare has made it clear that she is not here to mess around.  Before the season began, Clare stated that she is looking for a man who can let his guard down and be open about his feelings, and by the looks of this Season so far, she isn’t wasting any time.  Clare brings vulnerability to the forefront of both episodes so far, not only during her date with Jason, but also by regularly sharing her emotions and insecurities with the rest of the contestants.  The Bachelorette doesn’t claim to be realistic, and most wouldn’t consider it a reputable form of dating advice.  However, after watching the emotional exchanges between Clare and her suitors over the past two weeks, I feel pretty safe assuming that viewers also in search of love are starting to ask themselves, “Should I be doing this?”

What is Vulnerability?

In order to talk about vulnerability, we must first define what it is.  Brene Brown, the emotional guru whose Ted Talk on vulnerability boasts over 50 million views, defines vulnerability according to its three key elements: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  When you open up to another person, or expose your emotions, you have no sure way of knowing how they will respond.  The interaction could deepen your connection, or the other person could judge you, share your secrets with others, or even leave.  Vulnerability is the key to intimate relationships with others because it allows you to be truly seen.  So does this mean that you should be vulnerable with everybody?  And is there ever such a thing as too much?

Different Levels of Vulnerability

I get the sense that when many people hear the word “vulnerability,” they imagine conversations about their deepest, darkest emotions, followed by a lot of crying, hugging, and gazing into each other’s eyes.  Vulnerability can include any of these things, but it doesn’t have to.  Remember, vulnerability means three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Here are some examples of vulnerability at different levels of intensity:

• Telling your partner the truth when they ask if you had a good day at work

• Sharing a happy memory with your partner

• Telling your partner how you feel when they do something that bothers you (show up late to dinner, keep an ex as a friend on social media, etc.)

• Letting your partner know you have feelings for them

• Giving your honest opinion about something, ranging anywhere from a restaurant you tried to politics or religion

• Sharing a sexual fantasy

• Crying in front of your partner during a sad movie

• Telling your partner what you’re looking for in a relationship

• Pointing out your favorite qualities about your partner

• Letting your partner see you connect with others, such as your family, friends, or even your pet

Vulnerability exists on a spectrum.  Some acts of vulnerability feel like dipping your toe in the pool, while others might remind you more of jumping off the high-dive.

Risks of Vulnerability

Opening up to others can be scary, and rightfully so!  As we go through life, we encounter a wide variety of people, all from different backgrounds and with differing levels of emotional intelligence.  Not all of them are willing or even capable of handling others’ emotions with care.  Getting vulnerable with the wrong person could lead to the following outcomes:

• You receive an invalidating response (“That doesn’t sound that bad.”)

• Your weaknesses get used against you (“I’m not cheating, you’re just insecure.”)

• Your secret gets out

• You get rejected

• You get tuned out (the other person becomes uncomfortable and ignores you or changes the subject)

Yes, vulnerability, by definition, is risky, and while it’s becoming more and more acceptable and even encouraged in today’s society, it is certainly not something to take lightly.

So How Do I Know What to Share and When?

This one is completely up to you.  We know that vulnerability strengthens relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops at once.  A good rule of thumb is to base your level of vulnerability on the amount of trust in a relationship.  For example, if you’re on your first date with someone, you probably don’t have enough information to determine whether or not it’s safe to let your guard down with them.  Sorry, Clare.

To learn whether or not you can trust someone with heavier stories or deeper-level emotions, try disclosing a few less-vulnerable pieces of information first.  Notice how the other person reacts if they ask about your day, and you tell them that it was actually a bit stressful.  Test them out with a lighthearted story about your family, and see if they appear open to learning more about you.  Pay attention to the way they talk about themselves, too.  If you’ve been on multiple dates, and your partner still isn’t telling you anything about their family, obstacles they’ve overcome in the past, or their feelings or opinions on important topics, you might reconsider letting them into your own inner world.

Vulnerability is the secret ingredient to healthy, supportive relationships.  The right amount at the right time can propel your relationship into deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and connectedness.  Too much vulnerability too soon, however, can be uncomfortable and even lead to painful experiences that take a toll on your self-esteem.
I love The Bachelorette, and I think the show can spark great conversations about chemistry and compatibility.  But when it comes to good examples for healthy dating practices, this Season might not be the most reliable source.  Some things are just better off as entertainment.

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3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks.  Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships.  Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris.  If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.

If only love were this easy.  It could be, if it weren’t for one secret ingredient shaking up the mix.  

Chemistry.

Chemistry is the energetic attraction between two people that no words, reason, or personality assessment can explain.  Chemistry is your brain on drugs.  Substance of choice: The Other Person.  When there is chemistry in a relationship, dopamine receptors are activated, causing a rush of strong emotions.  Lovers experience a euphoria that is often described as intoxicating and even addictive.

Chemistry can make or break your relationship.  In healthy relationships, chemistry can improve intimacy.  It also acts as a buffer, making the other person’s imperfections seem less unattractive.  If unchecked, chemistry can be blinding, potentially causing some to rush through the important trust-building stages of relationships and jump into high-stakes commitments, such as moving in together.  Chemistry can even cause some to overlook or downplay serious red flags, like controlling behavior.

Chemistry feels great.  And yet, we know that the best decisions are rarely made out of 100% emotion.  Understanding that there is chemistry in your relationship can help you put your feelings into perspective and inject them with a healthy dose of logic before making any major choices.

To find out if there is chemistry between you and your partner, look for the following signs:

You Think About Them...A Lot

When there’s chemistry in a relationship, thoughts about the other person can be difficult to turn off.  You may get distracted at work or have trouble sleeping as fantasies of your partner constantly lure you in.  Other people may notice that you talk about your relationship often.  It just feels so good!  

If thoughts about your partner are interfering with your ability to focus, try setting aside time during the day specifically for journaling about your relationship.  What are your hopes and dreams?  What do you like most about your partner?  What are some signs that the relationship is going well?  Getting your feelings out on paper will help clear some mental space for other important thoughts

You Desire Physical Intimacy

Ok, yes.  Since I know you all are wondering, I am talking about sex.  Chemistry can create intense feelings of sexual attraction, but that’s not all.

Chemistry is magnetic.  It pulls couples together through the desire to be close to one another.  If there is chemistry in your relationship, you and your partner may want to sit together closely on the couch, hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, lean in closely when you talk, and spend more time together than you do with other friends or family members.

Chemistry has a way of blurring boundary lines, so it is important to be as clear and explicit with them as possible.  Write down your limits when it comes to spending time with your partner versus with your friends.  List any physical boundaries that you have.  Then, communicate these expectations with your partner.  Remember, setting expectations doesn’t have to be weird.  You don’t necessarily need to have a formal, sit-down talk.  Holding your boundary might look like saying, “I have plans that day,” (even if your plans are with yourself) or “I don’t want to do that right now.”

Logic Fades

People in the early stages of relationships with high levels of chemistry often describe their behavior as completely outside of what’s normal for them.  They stay up all night texting.  They call off work to go on impromptu vacations.  They spend money on extravagant gifts.  Reason has left the chat, people.  It’s important that you know that.

It’s important because chemistry is like hot sauce.  Add it to the mix, and it spices things up.  Too much of it on its own, and it burns.  Chemistry has to be mixed with an equal amount of logic, or you risk ending up feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t align with your vision for yourself.  Whether you are already in a committed relationship or just taking your first steps into the arena of dating, spend some time alone writing down your goals for the following categories: romantic relationships, career, finances, physical health, mental health, spirituality, friendships, family, leisure/hobbies.  The more you know yourself, the better you can identify what you want in a long-term partner.

Having a relationship built upon mutual trust, values, beliefs, goals, and chemistry is well within your reach!  Chemistry can pique your interest in potential partners, and when harnessed, it can promote passionate and healthy relationships.  To learn more about balancing logic and chemistry to find satisfying relationships, go to https://www.elevatedlifecounseling.com/services or visit @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Going out to eat is supposed to be fun.  It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook.  For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing.  If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.

Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders.  Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance.  Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu.  This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.

Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients.  Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.

Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging.  Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming.  While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be.  To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:

Plan Ahead*

If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time.  Before doing this, take a few deep breaths.  Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?”  You may not know the answer to this question yet.  Just do the best you can.  Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.

You may also want to make an escape plan.  In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.

Eat Mindfully

It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing.  Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites.  Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating.  Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time.  Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!

Consider All Foods Equal

Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out.  When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out.  No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full.  It also knows how to balance out richness and density.  For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime.  Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.

Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders.  Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery.  To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.

Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary.  First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring.  The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.  For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.

Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay.  The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not.  Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.

Ignore Anxious Thoughts

Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are.  Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats.  Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.

Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant.  You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.

Replace Anxious Thoughts

Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up.  First, practice noticing your thoughts more often.  When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true.  For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”

Play Out the Worst Case Scenario

Anxiety loves the “What If” game.  “What if I spill my drink?”  “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.

Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s.  What if you are bored on the date?  Will you stay an hour?  A half-hour?  How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home?  When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions.  Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.

With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable.  Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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How Home Decorating Improves Your Mental Health

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What do home decorating and mental health have in common? According to experts, a lot!  Most obviously, decorating is a form of self-expression.  Color and pieces of art can be used to express emotions or interests.  Pictures of friends and sentimental objects in a home reflect values and what is important to the person who lives there.

Interestingly, decor works the opposite way, too.  In addition to being an external projection of your unique inner world, the aesthetic of your home impacts your emotional and energetic state.  Different colors, textures, items, and layouts can inspire emotions such as calmness or playfulness while simultaneously reminding us of certain memories, goals, or ideals.

Historically, home was a place to rest, recharge, and spend time with loved ones.  Now, because of COVID-related office closures, it is also where many of us conduct business.  Creating a home that fosters peace, as well as energy and focus, is now more important than ever.

Space

The first rule of thumb when decorating is to account for space.  Studies show that clutter is associated with stress, higher cortisol levels, and decreased life satisfaction.  Our brains much prefer moderate visual complexity- seeing enough to stimulate the brain without overwhelming it.  Make sure each area you decorate allows for easy movement around the room, organization of your belongings, and enough negative space to allow the eyes and brain to rest.

One problem City residents often face is the size of their homes.  Studio apartments can be as snug as 200 square feet, providing barely enough room for a bed, dining table, and chairs, let alone decorative objects that evoke emotion.  Rather than trying to fit everything you own into your small space, look at tiny-living as an opportunity to simplify.  Sort through your belongings, keeping only what has sentimental value or inspires the kind of emotions you want to feel in your home.

Color

The next thing to take into account is color.  You can Google information about which colors create which mood, but the truth is, it’s different for everybody.  Red, for example, is a color that creates feelings of energy and power for some but might feel stressful or overstimulating to others.  This is because our associations between color and emotions are largely made up of our past experiences, including both happy times and traumas.  If your grandma had green couches, you might love green.  Someone else might associate it with the color of their orthodontist’s waiting room.

Choose colors that feel good to you.  Pull up Pinterest and notice the emotions and physical sensations (faster heartbeat, butterflies in stomach) that come up as you look at different home decor color schemes.  As much as you can, try to forget what you “should” be attracted to or what’s trendy at the moment.  Just notice how your body and mind react to different looks.

Texture

Texture is also very subjective.  Soft and fluffy can be comforting, warm, and even chic, but can also border on childish or elderly (grandma’s couch).  Sleek textures feel expensive and clean but might also seem a bit boring or sterile.  It’s all in the eye of the beholder.  Like with color, choose the textures that inspire positive memories and emotions in order to feel the most at peace in your home.  If you like soft, plush textures, experiment with fur, chunky blankets, and luxurious towels.  If you prefer sleek, try stainless steel appliances, glass surfaces, and metallics.  If you like both, mix the two.  There are no rules!

Personalization

This is where it gets fun- the individual items.  Furniture, pillows, lamps, plants, artwork...so many opportunities to play with elements like space, color, and texture.  This is where your place really becomes yours.

It’s important to decorate with pieces that speak to you.  When you’re shopping for decor, you’ll probably like a lot of what you’ll see.  Just wait.  Look for decor that reflects both who you are and how you want to feel inside your home.  Shop slowly, and before buying anything, ask yourself, “How will seeing this in my _______ (bedroom, living room, etc.) impact my emotional state?”  

When you do buy, always check the store’s return policy and hang on to your receipt.  After placing a new piece of decor in your home, you might realize it doesn’t help create the thoughts or feelings you thought it would.  That’s okay.  Return it, get the money back, and buy something else that feels amazing.

Try This

Recently, I discovered a podcast episode about the impact of home decor on mental health.  The podcast is called The Suga, and the episode, which features design guru Justina Blakeney, is called “Creating a Vibe in Your Home with Justina Blakeney.”  

In the show, Blakeney recommends identifying the emotions you want to feel when you’re inside your home.  Next, close your eyes and picture a time when you felt this way.  Notice the colors, textures, and objects you see in this memory, and incorporate them into your home decor as a way to replicate the emotional experience.

Home decorating is about much more than making your living space look good.  It’s about creating a home that both reflects and inspires you.  It’s fun, creative, and when done right, an act of self-care.  What’s your design style?  Tell me on Instagram: @therapywithmaryclaire

Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.

Many also reach out because although they may not always want to discuss topics that are particularly spiritual, they find it easier to talk about their lives with someone who already speaks their language.  For example, telling your therapist you went out with your Small Group, can be cumbersome if you have to pause and explain what a Small Group is.  Especially if you say something like, “So after the service, my Small Group and I went to the worship leader’s house for fellowship.”  Sometimes, it’s just easier to work with someone who has the right background knowledge.

Before taking on anyone new, I always explain my limitations.  I am not a pastor.  I haven’t been to theology school.  I have a master’s degree in counseling, and while I can help you process what you believe, I do not have the knowledge to give advice or clarification on scripture.  I have no authority to tell you what is right or wrong, nor do I have the ethical ability to.

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, my superpower is different.  I can help you untangle all of the thoughts, emotions, values, behaviors, and beliefs that impact your spiritual health.  I can help you understand your faith journey and its relationship with your mental health.  I can help you dissect problems and find practical solutions that align with your unique values.  I can offer you non-judgmental emotional support as you go through all of life’s struggles and make complicated decisions.  If you’re looking for spiritual direction, I can help you find a theological professional who can offer additional support where my area of expertise ends.

Faith-based counseling sessions are safe, confidential spaces where clients can talk about anything.  Some popular topics discussed in Christian counseling include:

• Dating: identifying your needs, values in dating, breakups, dating apps, marriage

• Sex: boundaries, building intimacy, sexual shame, sex drive, sexual orientation

• Work: stress, burnout, serving, passion, purpose, success

• Leisure: work-life balance, building community, social media

• Trauma: shame, abuse, family of origin issues

Clients who seek faith-based counseling can talk about spirituality as much or as little as they please during sessions.  There is no minimum requirement.  Faith could be the center of your life or something on the back burner.  Counselors will meet you where you are.  If you’re interested in more information about faith-based counseling, reach out to maryclaire@elevatedlifecounseling.com. All are welcome.

Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.