You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

A Little Party Never Killed Nobody...Right?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Around this time every year, young adults pack their bags and head off to college for nine months of research, writing, and unsupervised fun.  Of course, this year is different.  Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many universities have decided to hold classes remotely, thus limiting opportunities for any kind of hanging out on campus.  Similarly, nightlife, live music events, and Chicago’s well-known street festivals have all been put on hold.

The party scene has taken a hit this year.  Meeting in groups is discouraged.  Nevertheless, young people, much like those of the Prohibition Era, have found ways to work around restrictions.  Now that bars are closed, house parties are making a rise.

Health officials are worried about the spread of COVID-19 among these modern-day speakeasies, but the virus itself isn’t the only thing to fear.  Another danger is in our midst, and quarantine is only making it worse.

Substance abuse has always been an issue.  Opium, the ancient cousin of today’s heroin, has recorded use dating as far back as 10,000 years ago.  Psychedelics were big in the 60s, cocaine in the 80s, and today, painkillers are the third most commonly-used drug by Millennials, following alcohol and cannabis.  Cocaine use, too, is the highest it’s been in a decade.

Substance abuse causes more deaths per year than any other preventable health condition.  One in four deaths is attributable to either alcohol, nicotine, or legal/illegal narcotics.  The opioid epidemic has received recent attention.  Synthetic narcotics (mainly fentanyl) are responsible for the majority of drug overdoses in America.  Prescription opioids and cocaine nearly tie, with only a 309 person difference, for second place.  Alcohol-related deaths top all three combined.

As policy makers try to stop the spread of COVID-19, rates of substance use continue to rise.  Alcohol sales have seen a 250% increase since March.  Overdose rates are surging.

It makes sense.  In a time of crisis, drugs and alcohol provide temporary relief.  Isolation during quarantine can worsen anxiety and depression, both risk factors for substance abuse.

House parties present another set of risks because none of the protective measures taken in bars are in place.  There is no bartender who can cut you off when you’ve had too much to drink and no security staff who can call for emergency help if needed.  Drugs can be used with less restriction.

Working with young adults means having a lot of conversations about alcohol and drugs.  I am often asked if I pass judgment on those who abuse them.  The short answer is “no”.  The long answer starts with, “...but I am concerned.”

The world of mind-altering substances is complex.  Different substances have different effects on different people.  Certain kinds produce greater risks than others according to different amounts.  Psychoactive substances have cultural and historical roots and can be life-enhancing when used appropriately.  They can also be deadly.

Grazia, a UK pop culture and lifestyle magazine, interviewed Millennial women who practice healthy lifestyles overall but admit to using cocaine on the weekends.  These women stated that they feel cocaine is relatively harmless because it can be done in small amounts, which feels easy to excuse, and does not have any calories.

The popularity of a substance has an impact on its perceived risk.  Popular drugs lend themselves to the “everybody’s doing it” mentality.  If everyone’s doing it, it must be okay.  The problem with this logic is that the popularity of a drug is more indicative of one’s environment than of the drug itself.

Mac Miller’s 2018 death drew attention to the danger of impure substances after he overdosed on oxycodone laced with fentanyl.  An investigation revealed that the rapper purchased the counterfeit pills along with cocaine and Xanax.  Many were concerned that if Mac Miller, famous and likely to buy from only the “best” dealers, could purchase laced drugs, so could they.

These things must be considered when one is deciding whether or not to try any particular drug.  Even caffeine can have startling effects.  I encourage all my clients to be mindful of what they choose to put in their bodies, even if the truth is scary.

When it comes to drugs and alcohol, consider me a harm-reductionist.  While I don’t necessarily advocate for complete abstinence, I encourage clients to do a thorough amount of quality research on drugs of interest and ask themselves the following questions:

Values

• How does using this substance align with your morals?

• Do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs about using this substance?

Education

• What possible benefits does this substance present?

• What risks?

• What are the side effects?

• What are your sources of information?

Safety

• How are you getting the substance?

• How do you know its purity (testing kit, alcohol % on bottle)?

• In what circumstances are you using it (environment, safety measures, designated driver)?

• How much are you ingesting?

Patterns

• How often do you use the substance?

• How much control do you have over your use?

• What have your past experiences with the substance been like?

• Do you notice any external factors that impact your use (stress, life transitions, triggers)?

Since the 2013 edition of The Great Gatsby, the phrase “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody”- originally the lyrics to a soundtrack title by Fergie- has risen to fame.  I encourage 2020 party goers to question this.  Parties can be great.  Fun is so important.  But it is never worth your life.  To turn a blind eye to the dangers of chemical substances, is to do ourselves, our loved ones, and those personally affected by substance abuse a disservice.  

Party responsibly- alcohol, drugs, and Coronavirus considered.

Too Much of a Good Dream

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Everybody has their vice.  For some, it’s plush covers and fluffy pillows.  Sleep, one of mental health’s most important ingredients, can be overdone like anything else.

Forbes revealed that Millennials sleep an average of 25 minutes longer per night than the average American.  Enough sleep (about 7 to 9 hours per night) can result in greater productivity, health benefits, and better cognitive performance.  Too much sleep can lead to serious risks.

According to the American Heart Association, women who spent two or more hours catching up on sleep, or “binge sleeping” during the weekend were likely to have poorer cardiovascular health than those who did not.  Instead, the Association advises keeping a regular schedule.  Go to sleep and wake up at the same times each day, and try not to change your sleeping habits too drastically on the weekends.

Positive mental health outcomes are also highly connected to sleep.  Oversleeping is both a symptom and a cause of anxiety and depression.  Too much sleeping results in lower productivity, causing anxiety that leads to lesser quality of sleep, so the cycle goes on.

Much like physicians, mental health experts typically recommend maintaining a sleep schedule.  When you form a routine, you tell your body what to expect everyday.  Waking up at 7am no longer feels excruciating, it feels normal.  Grogginess decreases, focus deepens, and not only quantity, but also quality of work improves.

If you’ve ever hit the snooze button one or six too many times in the morning, you know the impact it can have on your day.  Suddenly, everything feels rushed.  The day turns into a game of catch-up.  You go to sleep feeling exhausted and, on the really bad days, unaccomplished.

Sleep feels incredible, but one has to ask, is it worth it?  This is not a straightforward answer.  If you’re wondering if you oversleep or undersleep with intermittent binges to pay back your “sleep debt”, ask yourself these questions:

• What is your sleep schedule doing for you?

• What is it costing you?

• Which is most important to you?

If your bedtime is more like a guideline, you might really enjoy an extra hour awake at night and a few hits of the snooze button in the morning.  Maybe the cost is relatively low!  However, if you find you’re consistently running late, underperforming at work, or feeling rushed, oversleeping might be part of the problem.

Here’s how values play into this:  Spending an extra hour with a friend at night might be worth a groggy morning.  One more episode of a show you’ve seen ten times might not be worth missing a deadline.  Determining the cost of something requires understanding your values and priorities.

Waking up at a consistent time every morning relies on going to sleep at the same time every night.  To align your sleep schedule, first choose a bedtime that will typically allow you between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night.  Then, choose a wakeup time that makes the most sense for you within that 7 to 9 hour range.  

Next, plan necessary activities throughout your week, followed by optional ones.  Leave room for spontaneity and flexibility.  Rigidity is a quick killer of routines.  Give yourself permission to make cancellations when necessary for mental health reasons, sleep included.

Allow your body about three weeks to adjust, and then observe the outcomes.  A regular sleep schedule just might be your key to the next level.

Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem.  One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner.  This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?

The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?

Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them.  However,  others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore.  The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner.  The resounding answer is no.

And this makes sense.  Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons.  If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it.  If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation.  And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it.  This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.  

So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one!  However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help.  Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile.  Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.

Carve Out Some Time

Like with all important conversations, timing is key.  It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other.  This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation.  Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood.  Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.

Review What Turns You Both On

People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years.  It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex.  Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not.  For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.  

Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you?  What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?

What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement

Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy.  Congratulate each other for a job well done.  It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation.  Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life?  What do you like most that we already do?  

When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex.  If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions.  If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that.  If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate.  Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex?  What could we do to make our sex better?

Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics

If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this.  I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.  

Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important.  Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met.  This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you.  Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?     

Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial.  Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans.  It’s not always clean and simple.  Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do?  If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared.  Maybe this has even happened to you in real life!  Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first.  Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.

Now, ask yourself this:  Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself?  This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.

In American society, education is valued.  Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities.  Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information.  In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.

Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first.  However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.

Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs.  The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.

No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on.  Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network.  Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself.  At some point, you have to jump.

Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising.  Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process.  Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most.  You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure.  Failure makes a great teacher.  It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off.  So why avoid it?

Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready.  Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way.  Start going to classes anyways.  Learn about what you like and don’t like.  Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera.  You can buy a new one later.  Stop waiting for everything to be perfect.  It never will be.  Instead, just start.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.

I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all know that no relationship is perfect.  Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship.  But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it?  Do you attempt to keep getting your point across?  Do you try to control how your partner behaves?  When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?

Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.

“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example.  Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter.  I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be).  When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”

As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset.  At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours.  Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.

What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way.  There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel.  Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again.  If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.

In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”  If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.  

Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list.  Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.  

These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship.  The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow.  Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.

If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment.  Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first).  Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want.  Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.”  Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work.  Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.

Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist.  It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.

Making Dating Apps Work For You

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dating during COVID seems impossible.  Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night.  Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden.  Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.

Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table.  When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown.  Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019.  This year, it’s even hotter.

Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press.  Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages.  This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front.  Like a gamble, it could go either way.

Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date.  You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again.  When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time.  When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.

Choose the Right App

If you want love, you have to look in the right places.  A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs.  Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink.  Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.

Take Advantage of Settings

Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches.  Want someone who goes to church?  Done.  You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more.  Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.

Attract What You Want

If you are passionate about something, talk about it.  Post pictures that represent who you really are.  People with similar interests will notice.

Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online.  All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste.  If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment.  Stay committed.  A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.

Beginner's Guide to Therapy

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

So you’re thinking about talking to someone.  Great!  Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while and now all the crap that 2020 has had to offer has pushed you to take the step.  You’re feeling ready (or at least willing) to start the journey and work on things that might have been piling up for years.  If this is you, I commend you for your courage.

Understandably, you might have some nerves going through this process.  It’s not every day that you talk to a complete stranger about some of the most painful parts of your life.  Here are some things to keep in mind if you are starting or returning to therapy.

Determine what you want to get out of it

One misconception about therapy is that you’ll be doing it for life once you start.  While some clients love self-reflection, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.  Determine what you want to get out of your therapy experience.  If you are entering therapy because you enjoy learning more about yourself, even if it’s painful, then therapy may become a form of self-care that you do every week for years.  On the other hand, if you would like extra support for something that is currently stressing you out, be open with your therapist about that.  Don’t feel like you have to keep digging just for the sake of digging.  It is completely up to you.

The right fit matters

Though it can be time consuming at first, finding the right therapist is important and can save you many hours in the long run.  Some clients prefer to shop around a bit before settling on one therapist.  The right fit matters because when things get tough in the therapy room you need to trust that your therapist knows you well enough to know when to push you and when to back off.  When you are being pushed you know it’s because your therapist cares. You can tell there is a good fit when you feel comfortable enough talking about difficult topics.  If you don’t jive with your therapist, it can often feel like a waste of an hour each week.  Spend the time at the beginning ensuring that you like your therapist and feel they understand you.  

Allow time to build the relationship

Once you’ve found a good fit, give the process time for the relationship to build.  Like any other relationship, a therapeutic relationship takes time to fortify.  I typically experience a change in the closeness of my therapeutic bonds with clients after about 8 sessions.  It’s not that good work can’t happen before 8 sessions, but usually by then you both have a feel for each other and you may be willing to take more risks.  Speaking of taking risks...

Take risks...but at the pace you’re comfortable with

The risks you take will be determined by what you are working on in therapy.  For some, it might look like showing up to a session without a mental list of things to tell your therapist, and instead seeing how the session unfolds without a roadmap.  It might be being honest with certain thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you’ve been experiencing.  It might look like advocating for what you need in the therapy room.  Whatever taking risks look like to you, it’s worth pushing yourself to take them in the service of growth.  However, there is no need to push yourself so hard that you dread going to therapy each week.  If you’re finding that progress is fairly consistent, chances are you are taking appropriate risks within the work.

The initial relief you feel doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “cured”

It usually takes people several months of thinking about going to therapy before they actually make their first appointment.  Within those several months, stress piles up and so it’s natural to feel immediate relief when you begin to talk through the stress with a professional.  After a few sessions some people begin to feel so much better that they think they don’t need therapy anymore.  

There are a couple things to think about here.  The first is that simply talking about stress feels good in the moment, but it might not actually change your reaction to stress in the long run.  You’ll want to stay in therapy long enough to get the tools to manage that stress in the future.  The second thing to consider is that life might be working better because you have that hour a week to yourself for therapy.  In the same way that we need consistent exercise for our bodies to function well, you may need consistent reflection for your mental health to function well.  This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to be in therapy forever, but it may be an indication that you’ll want to incorporate some form of personal development into your weekly routine.

Though starting therapy may be slightly scary at first, it’s often worth it.  Stop hesitating and start prioritizing your mental and emotional health.

Resources:

Psychology Today and Zencare list professionals in your area, their specialties, and their rates.  Don’t have insurance and can’t pay a full fee? Check out Open Path Collective where you’ll see a list of therapists offering a sliding scale.  Or contact Mary Claire Schibelka or Erinn Williams here at ELC for a phone consultation.

In Defense of Caffeine

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular.  Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.  

Also intrigued by essential oils, alkaline water, and yoga, Millennials appear to be pursuing wellness with more fervor than past generations.  For many, caffeine intake is a concern due to its often debated impacts on physical and mental health.

No doubt, caffeine can have its consequences.  When overused, it can cause symptoms like insomnia and anxiety.  Caffeine can also have addictive properties similar to those of less socially-accepted drugs.  Heavy coffee drinkers can experience withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, depression, strong cravings, and irritability after skipping only one morning of java.  Caffeine also has a tolerance-building effect, much like alcohol, which requires users to consume more in order to feel its desired effects.

The unpleasant side-effects of too much caffeine can seem scary, causing some to avoid it altogether.  According to a report by the American Psychological Association, however, when used in moderation, caffeine actually may contribute to desirable mental health outcomes.

One study cited in the report found after following over 50,000 nurses for almost 25 years that those who drank at least four cups of coffee per day were 20 percent less likely to experience depression than those who drank little to no coffee.  Similarly, a study of 43,000 men determined that drinking 2 to 3 cups of joe per day is correlated with a 50 percent reduced risk of suicide.  Caffeine is also associated with cognitive benefits such as alertness, increased memory ability, and quicker reaction times.

A 2017 Harvard Medical School report cited studies declaring that 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of physical health conditions including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson’s disease, cirrhosis, and gout.  While dated research indicated that coffee might cause certain types of cancer, these claims have since been refuted, causing the World Health Organization to remove coffee from its list of potentially carcinogenic foods in 2016.  In fact, newer research suggests that coffee might actually reduce the risk of certain types of cancer and increase one’s lifespan by up to 15%.

This is great news to those who enjoy a hit- or four- of daily caffeine, but is it reason enough to give into every craving?  According to the Food and Drug Administration, a daily consumption of 400 milligrams of caffeine or less is considered safe.  This equates to about 3 or 4 cups of home-brewed coffee or one venti Starbucks brewed coffee.  Any more, and you’re at risk of experiencing side effects and even entering the “Caffeine Use Disorder” zone, made note of in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) and trademarked by unsuccessful efforts to reduce consumption, use despite harm, and withdrawal.

While moderate caffeine consumption has been deemed permissible and even beneficial, those who don’t currently partake need not begin.  Caffeine is not a requirement for an alert and healthy life.  A regular sleep schedule, hydration, and consistent intake of nutrients through food are sufficient to achieve the same results as those of a caramel macchiato.

Current coffee connoisseurs, rest assured that you can continue to imbibe without guilt.  Use good judgment by noticing how your body reacts to each serving of caffeine, and pour out the pot when you think you’ve hit your limit.  Practice moderation, drink mindfully, and as always, enjoy life’s simple pleasures, lattes included.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.

Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

Why Crushing is the Best

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” 

J. M. Barrie

Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone.  Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you.  Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.

When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers.  Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive.  It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.

You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal.  Surely, you’d sing in the car together.  They don’t seem like the type to cheat.  And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.

The possibilities are endless!  Imagine the places you could go together.  The movies you could snuggle up and watch.  The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet.  It’s just delicious fantasy.

Crushing is valuable.  While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship.  Why this person?  What is going to be different about this relationship?  What are you attracted to?  What are you hoping for?  These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.

This leads to the next question.  What if they don’t like you?  Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion.  How do you handle that?  What’s it like?  What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?

These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them.  After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter.  That’s what makes crushing so great.  Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love.  Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.

Crushing is unpredictable.  There’s no telling how it will really turn out.  Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide.  You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences.  Stay curious about both.  When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values.  What would you do if you were your best self?

Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person.  Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners.  Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table.  Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational.  And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

The Do’s and Dont’s of Talking to Kids About Sex

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

As a parent, you know the conversation about the birds and the bees will happen eventually.  Understandably, talking to kids about sex can be awkward and difficult.  It’s hard to provide accurate and age-appropriate ways of explaining such an intimate act.  The conversation about sex is one that a lot of parents dread and some parents avoid completely.  

I know many parents have probably countless books on the best way to parent their child.  Whether you’re reading about attachment parenting, using positive reinforcement with your child, or navigating a blended family system, unfortunately, a lot of these books don’t include this important topic.  Let this be a start to thinking about how you can best help your child learn about sex.

DO: Start early  

DON’T: Wait until they’re older

Did you know that in some countries in Europe they begin sex education at the age of 4 (keep in mind this is age-appropriate material). Given the statistics about European’s sexual experiences later on - waiting longer to have sex for the first time than Americans, fewer STIs, and more reports of positive first-time experiences - we can see that this is a positive way to handle sex.  

It can feel more comfortable to wait until your child asks, but what if they don’t ask?  Be proactive and plan times to sit down and talk about it with them.  You don’t have to cover all aspects of sex in one conversation.  Split it up into multiple conversations.  This conveys the message that you are open to talking about sex and if they ever have questions, you’re available.

If you’re waiting for your school’s sex education classes to take effect, keep in mind that only 13 states mandate that sex ed be medically accurate and informed by up-to-date research.  I wouldn’t rely solely on sex ed at school.  

DO: Use correct language  

DON’T: Dumb it down

When talking to your child about sex, use the correct words: vulva, vagina, penis, testicals.  Do not use words like “wee-wee” or “hoo-ha” because it is confusing for children.  It also provides the message that these words are bad or uncomfortable.  You may feel uncomfortable saying them and that’s okay, but the words themselves are not uncomfortable.

DO: Talk about pleasure 

DON’T: Talk only about biological functions

A common trap for parents is to lean on the explanation of where babies come from and feel like the job is done. While that is important information, most sexual experiences (not to mention, most initial sexual experiences) are not for procreation, but rather are for pleasure.  It can be confusing for them to feel certain pleasures their genitalia may provide and not have an understanding of it.  Additionally, ignoring the pleasure of sex can convey a shaming message early on: that sex is only meant for procreation and the rest we don’t talk about.  If you’re hoping to have an open, sex positive household, don’t skip the concept of pleasure.

DO: Talk about consent early & often  

DON’T: Assume they know

Making sure your child understands consent is incredibly important.  When talking to your child about sex, discuss that it is important to ask for consent, listen for consent, look for consent, and to empower your child to say yes and no depending on how they feel.  It can be discussed in a variety of contexts not just sex: discussing a platonic hug while greeting, checking to see if a friend would like to play at the playground, or reviewing “stranger danger.”      

DO: Be yourself, even if you’re uncomfortable  

DON’T: Pretend to be an expert  

Kids are smart and can read nonverbal cues well.  If they sense that you are trying to hide your discomfort, they will know and likely begin to feel uneasy themselves.  Just be yourself.  It’s okay to acknowledge that sex isn’t always the easiest conversation to have, but that it’s important. In this humorous video parents trying to have the sex talk with their kids, we can see and relate to these parents struggling through it.  Don’t hold yourself to the standard of cool, calm and collected.  Just be yourself.

An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.