Tending to Pain in Others and Yourself

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Emotional wounds, or deep-seated psychological and emotional pain, can develop in a number of ways.  Some wounds happen immediately, such as after witnessing the death of a friend.  Others develop over time as a result of repeated experiences like parental neglect, unhealthy relationships, and systemic racism.  

Emotional wounds impact the way we perceive and interact with the world around us, yet they can often go undetected, even by ourselves.  Internalizing and externalizing behaviors often show up as a result of emotional pain but to the untrained eye can often be excused as personality traits like shyness or aggression.  Instead of dismissing or shaming ourselves and others, we can learn to recognize the following four symptoms as alarm bells signaling the existence of pain and the need for healing.

Resentment

Imagine you have plans to meet a friend for coffee at 4pm.  It’s 3:45, and she texts you saying she’s going to be late because she’s stuck in traffic.  Immediately, the boiling feeling of anger washes over you and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how to plan effectively, does she?  How immature.”  That’s resentment.

While resentment may easily be mistaken for a bad attitude, it could be a sign of pain below the surface.  When examined more closely, anger about a friend being late to a get-together might be related to feelings of loneliness caused by your mother being late to pick you up from school each day, or maybe you were repeatedly shamed for being late as a child, causing you a great deal of embarrassment.

Retreat

While alone-time can be a great way to recharge, especially for introverts, ongoing social withdrawal is a telltale sign of depression and can also be associated with anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and addiction.  Next time you feel like cancelling plans or turning down an invite, ask yourself why.  If you notice friends beginning to retreat, get curious about their reasons.  They could be struggling emotionally.  Also, remember that it is often painful and possibly even retraumatizing for people from marginalized groups to be in spaces where nobody else shares a similar identity.

Lashing Out

When we experience trauma, our brains enter fight, flight, or freeze mode.  Repeated trauma can cause our brains and bodies to get “stuck” in fight mode, therefore causing verbal and physical combativeness as a form of self-protection.  What one might perceive as a relatively small or insignificant event can trigger a trauma response, therefore resulting in what can seem like a disproportionate reaction.  For instance, a person who lost a friend in a car accident might exhibit an explosive amount of road rage after being cut off by another driver on the highway.

Demands

To an emotionally wounded person, making demands can seem like the only way to achieve a desired outcome.  In certain situations, this is healthy and necessary, such as when an oppressed group of people demands justice and fair treatment.  At other times, making demands can be harmful.  For instance, if you were cheated on in a past relationship, demanding that your partner let you go through his or her phone will likely cause trouble without doing much to resolve past hurts.  Either way, demands are often responses to emotional pain and fear of further suffering.

Caring for Emotional Wounds

Like physical wounds, emotional wounds tend to heal over time when properly treated.  When left unrecognized, they can fester, resulting in broken relationships and continuation or deepening of pain.  Talking about emotional wounds can be difficult, and ignoring our pain can be a seductive alternative, but like physical wounds, the only way to heal an emotional wound is to notice it, ask for help, and clean it out.

Although it can feel scary, asking friends how they are doing if you’ve noticed the behaviors above might be exactly what they need.  Having someone see their struggles can feel like a huge relief and lift the burden of them having to come to you.  Like when you make yourself available for a friend, naming your own pain is a way to give yourself compassion and practice self-care.  If you are struggling with difficult emotions, get curious about them.  Ask yourself where they might be coming from and if there is an even deeper root to them.

Often, when someone is facing painful emotions, advice and reassurance are not as helpful as the simple act of listening.  If you are seeking to be an ally or support somebody going through a difficult time, refrain from giving your opinion or offering solutions.  Instead, listen with compassion and express a genuine interest in learning more about the other person’s experience.  If you are the person in pain, allow others to hear you, even if they don’t have all the right answers.  A burden feels lighter when you aren’t carrying it alone.

There are certain situations in which action is necessary.  Some examples include dismantling systemic racism and getting out of an abusive relationship.  After allowing friends to share their experiences with you, ask them what you are able to do to help.  When working to heal your own emotional wounds, ask yourself what action steps you need to take and what friends and other people you trust can do to support you.

The Power of Time

Many emotional wounds were not developed in a day, and likewise, they will take time to heal.  As you venture down the path of healing your own emotional wounds or supporting friends as they navigate their own, practice patience and compassion.  Manage your expectations of the healing process by acknowledging that healing is not linear.  Go easy on yourself and others when imperfections arise.  Most importantly, celebrate the small victories, believing that eventually, they will amount to progress much greater than you ever thought possible.

What I Learned From a Week of Listening

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Growing up, I never thought of myself as racist.  In fact, I thought of myself as fundamentally not-racist.  The neighborhoods I lived in were always somewhat diverse, and my mom, my sister, and I all have friends of color.  I have black cousins and Chinese cousins.  My parents raised me with good values.  “Never judge anybody by the color of their skin,” they said.

I thought I knew what racism was.  I’ve heard people say horrible things about different groups of people.  Plenty of times, I’ve stood up against their hateful words, believing that because I didn’t hold their same beliefs, I was one of the good guys.  It’s easy not to think too much about something when you think you already have it down.

The unjust killings of black people in America have always troubled me, but when I saw the video of George Floyd’s death, it hit me differently.  Something inside me woke up, and I realized that if I want to see change, then I need to be an active participant in bringing it about.  Sitting back and being nice to everybody was never enough.

It’s in my nature to fight for people.  I’m a counselor.  I help.  I tell people how to fix problems.  However, right now, that is not my job.  Instead, my duty is to practice the most important skill a person in my field can possess.  I need to listen, specifically to voices that have been silenced for far too long.  Then, I have to share what I learn, not with the people most affected by racism, for they already know, but with those who are the same as I was - well-intentioned and dangerously unaware.

This is what I learned this week:

1) Slavery Was Only Six Generations Ago

When I learned about slavery for the first time in elementary school, it felt so far away.  The possibility that people could be treated in such a way felt unreal to me, like it was something that happened in ancient times.  It wasn’t until this week that I realized 1865, the year slavery was outlawed, was only six generations ago.  The Ku Klux Klan was considered a legitimate and strong political influence in 1925, just four generations ago.  Segregation ended two generations ago, and if your parents were born before 1967, they lived during a time when interracial marriage was still prohibited in certain states.  In 2014, a study from the University of Michigan1 revealed that black people are sentenced to 10% longer sentences than white people who committed the same crimes with similar criminal histories.  When looking at history through this lens, it becomes clear that if we believe systemic racism is a thing of the past, we are kidding ourselves.

2) Intergenerational Trauma

The effects of trauma can be passed down through generations by genetics, modeled behavior, and the retelling of sad stories.  Intergenerational trauma can manifest as a variety of mental health issues that impact relationships and families.

For instance, imagine that your grandmother grew up being told she wasn’t allowed to eat in the same restaurants as people who looked different from her.  Imagine she was told every day she was dirty, ugly, and inferior.  How would that affect her mental health?  How would that affect the way she raised your mother?  

Now imagine your mother grew up in a household where her parents, although they loved each other, were not allowed to get married.  Your grandmother was told by the government that she wasn’t good enough to marry your mother’s father.  Their relationship was called disgusting and unnatural.  How would your mother see herself as their daughter?  What would her own relationships be like?

Finally, imagine yourself.  Imagine growing up with a mother who was depressed, believing that her own existence was wrong.  How would that impact your childhood?  Your mental health?  Your family dynamics?

Intergenerational trauma is insidious and often goes undetected due to the belief that trauma only occurs when people experience something like war or physical abuse.  Racism is traumatic, and if we want to understand the world we live in, we must acknowledge that its effects are real and present in the people of color around us every day.  Also, we must recognize the intergenerational transmission of beliefs in white culture.  What were we taught about people of color from our own families and environments, even in the most subtle ways?

3)  There Is a Difference Between Color and Culture

I came across an article by Greg Armstrong, pastor at Renew Church in Lombard, Illinois2.  In the article, Armstrong recalls his experiences as a black man attending majority white churches.  He states that while most white church goers were okay with the color of his skin, he quickly realized that he was only truly accepted when he assimilated and acted according to their cultural norms.

We say we don’t have a problem with black people, but do we have a problem with blackness?  I have heard statements like, “I like people of all races, I just don’t like people who act _______.”  Fill in the blank.  Every culture in the world, whether defined by race, location, religion, or gender identity, has its own set of cultural norms and behaviors.  What kinds of judgments do we have about black culture?  Do we even know what it is?  These questions might feel jarring, but if we truly want to reject racism, we must begin to ask them.

Sitting with Discomfort

Learning what I learned this week was uncomfortable for me.  Writing this article was extremely uncomfortable for me.  The entire time, I questioned whether I was coming off “too preachy”, insensitive, discriminatory, or like a know-it-all.  These conversations are certainly not easy to have.  What I’ve learned during this time, though, is that we cannot allow ourselves the luxury of being comfortable when those most closely affected by racism have never had that same privilege.

I am not an expert on race, and because I do not experience racism first hand, I will never know everything there is to know about it.  You don’t have to be an expert either to make a difference, but what we all must do is take a stand by uncomfortably acknowledging that there is no such thing as “not-racist”.  We need to look at the painful facts about our country and understand why neutrality is not possible.  Then, we need to pick a side:  racist or anti-racist.  This week, I chose my side.  Which do you choose?  What are you going to do about it?

13 Tips for Watching 13 Reasons Why

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

On Friday, June 5, Netflix will air its fourth and final season of hit show 13 Reasons Why.  Previous seasons of the show have attracted millions of viewers, but critics worry that the implications of viewing the series could be dangerous.

13 Reasons Why aired its first season in 2017, focusing on the fictional story of Hannah Baker, a 17-year old high school student who committed suicide, leaving behind 13 cassette tapes, each calling out a different person and his or her contribution to her decision.  Not only has the series been criticized for romanticizing suicide, it has also been called out for depicting topics that young viewers might not be equipped to handle, such as sexual assault, bullying, gun violence, and substance abuse.  One study showed an increase in youth suicides after the release of the first season, thus leading to Netflix’s decision to remove a graphic scene of the main character’s suicide.

Regardless of its opposition, the show has since released two more seasons, with the third arriving in a little over a week.  If Season 4 is anything like the last three, viewers are likely to witness more difficult and perhaps even disturbing content.  There are ways, however, to watch the show, learn from it, and protect your mental health while doing so.  If you’re a fan who’s planning on partaking, check out the following 13 tips for a safe and enjoyable viewing experience:

1. Don’t Ignore the Warnings

After receiving backlash, Netflix began including brief videos before the first episodes of Seasons 2 and 3 during which cast members speak directly to the audience, advising them against watching if they are currently struggling with any of the issues depicted in the show.  Heed these warnings to avoid feeling overwhelmed by content that hits too close to home.

2. Watch It With Someone Else

Whether it’s in person or on FaceTime, watch the show with a friend to prevent feeling isolated.  It can seriously help to have another person to chat or “oh my gosh” with during uncomfortable scenes.

3. Leave the Lights On

Watching TV in the dark creates a cinematic experience.  But when watching a show that focuses on such heavy topics, leaving the lights on can help you stay grounded and less wrapped up in the emotions of the characters.

4. Chunk It

Binge watching is tempting, especially during quarantine.  But 13 straight hours of somber?  That’s enough to suck the soul out of anybody.  Allow yourself the excitement of suspense by spacing out the episodes over at least a few days.

5. Go Outside

Between episodes, take breaks to go outside and remind yourself that unlike in the forever-overcast town of Crestmont, the sun still shines and all is not lost.

6. Watch the Interviews

It’s hard to believe that Jessica Davis’s real name isn’t Jessica Davis.  The 13 Reasons Why actors are convincing, and it can make the show seem so real.  Watching interviews of cast members like Alisha Boe (the real Jessica Davis), might help put some mental separation between you and the emotions of the characters.

7. If You’re Already Having a Bad Day, Watch Something Else

Take my word for it on this one.  This is not the show that’s gonna lift you out of your funk.

8. Eat, Drink Water, Sleep, and Shower

All these things are part of a healthy self-care routine.  The urge to watch “just one more episode” before eating lunch or going to sleep is real, but forgoing these things for the sake of seeing what happens to Clay Jensen just isn’t worth it.  All it does is make you more susceptible to being negatively affected by the show.

9. Skip Upsetting Scenes

If you’re a fan of the series but are worried about scenes that might be a bit too intense, ask a friend who watches Season 4 before you to take note of any parts containing the type of content you want to avoid.  Then, hit fast forward during those parts and ask that friend to fill you in, minus the details.

10. Grab Your Pets

Companion animals have been linked with all kinds of emotional benefits including reduced anxiety and depression.  Turn your cat or dog into a fan of 13 Reasons Why by snuggling them while you watch.

11. Create an Alternate Ending

I don’t know the show’s ending.  But if for some reason, it doesn’t seem right to you, or if there was an issue in one of the episodes that you feel wasn’t handled appropriately, write down what could’ve happened instead.  What could the producers have done differently to make the show more helpful and socially responsible?

12. Utilize the Resources

The show’s official website, 13reasonswhy.info, offers a number of resources including links to various mental health organizations’ websites, crisis hotline numbers for 58 countries, a discussion guide, and short videos explaining how to handle real issues like suspected violence, friends who are depressed, and consent.  Familiarize yourself with the site and take advantage of its offerings if you think they could be helpful.

13.  Talk About It

13 Reasons Why has the potential to be highly impactful if watched and processed with intention.  Take the time to talk about feelings and opinions that arise while you watch.  Make sure you’re talking with someone you feel emotionally safe with, such as a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.  Talking prevents tough feelings from festering, and it’s also the first step to healing.

The decision of whether or not to watch 13 Reasons Why is personal, and it should not be informed solely by others’ opinions, negative or positive.  If you choose to watch, pay attention to the sometimes subtle messages your body sends you, such as thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (like your gut feeling).  Regardless of how far in you are, remember that you can always decide to switch off the TV if it becomes too much.  After all, you can always read the spoilers.

Finding Happiness Now

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Rumor has it, quarantine might soon be coming to an end.  States like Florida recently started welcoming customers back into bars and restaurants, allowing what some may consider a much-needed dose of normalcy.  Here in Illinois, we have yet to hear of a specific reopening date.  The end of solitude seems so close, and at the same time, so far.

Anticipation, whether about the end of quarantine, a new job, a new apartment, or a vacation, pulls us into the future, where we plan for and fantasize about glorious things to come.  This kind of daydreaming can feel like an escape, especially when the present isn’t exactly ideal.  It provides relief from the monotony of another day spent at home and offers delicious, even if only imagined, happiness.  Or does it?

While you might think that picturing upcoming days of freedom is the only way to make it through the rest of lockdown with your sanity still intact, research shows that this kind of mental time travel actually decreases happiness overall.  After conducting a study on thousands of people using a happiness-measuring smartphone app, Harvard psychologist, Matt Killingsworth, found that happiness is only slightly connected to life circumstances and events.  However, subjects who reported being mentally engaged in whatever tasks they were doing right before rating their moods showed much higher rates of happiness than those who were “mind wandering” instants before checking in.

In other words, while mentally drifting to better days ahead might seem like the cure for quarantine blues, doing so might actually be decreasing your mood.  In the same study, Killingsworth assessed the impact of mental wandering during unpleasant situations, such as while commuting.  Again, participants who zoned out while commuting reported lower happiness levels than those who remained focused on their drives, even if the former were thinking about something pleasant.

This information, while perhaps surprising, is hardly new.  The ancient Eastern practice of mindfulness, the awareness of one’s present physical, mental, and emotional state, has boomed in popularity in the United States since the late 70s, promising peace and fulfillment to its practitioners.  The idea is that when we trade in the present moment for visions of the future or past, we lose contact with the only reality we actually have, therefore robbing ourselves of the ability to enjoy it.

It’s important to remember that just because staying present in the moment leads to greater happiness than mind-wandering does, presence does not guarantee total happiness all the time.  Life inherently brings about a wide range of emotions, some of which are more comfortable than others.  Mental escapism serves as a distraction but renders us unable to respond to our current emotional needs, much less experience the good that almost always comes with the bad.

Next time you find yourself drifting through your thoughts, try asking yourself one of my all-time favorite questions (if you’ve been in therapy with me, you understand):  How helpful is this?  Are your thoughts helping you prepare for something or inspiring creativity?  Or are they leaving you feeling scrambled and disconnected?  If the answer to my question above is, “Not very,” gently bring yourself back to the moment and experience the mood-altering effects.  The present is a gift.  Let yourself have it.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”

The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Trust is quite arguably one of the most important factors in any relationship.  Trust creates feelings of safety, which makes room for vulnerability and a general sense of being able to relax around the other person.  Trust is the antidote to relational anxiety.

Not only does trust mean believing that your partner is loyal, it also means knowing that they have positive intentions in your relationship and that they’re looking out for your best interest.  Trust exists on a continuum and can change, depending on circumstances and the phase of the relationship.  Like love, it has to be built over time.  But what if this isn’t happening for you?  What if you can’t shake that nagging feeling that something is wrong or that your partner is up to no good?  Well, it could mean a number of things.

1) Your partner is actually not trustworthy

If you’ve caught your partner in multiple lies, or if you’re learning they have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, your feelings of distrust might be right on point.  You might feel anxious around your partner because you’re never sure if they’re going to say something hurtful or if they’re actually going to keep a promise they’ve already broken several times.  In this case, look at the evidence.  What have your partner’s previous actions taught you about their probable future behavior, and is it worth sticking around to find out?

2) You’re insecurities are louder than your logic

Insecurity can be deceiving.  It can make you believe that even though your partner has called every time they said they would, introduced you to all their friends, and expressed how much they care about you, they still must be leading you on or secretly sleeping with their ex because no way could they ever truly want someone like you.  Beliefs like this are often subtle, and you might not even be aware you have them.  If you’re finding that you need constant validation or that you’re looking up all their exes on Instagram, ask yourself why.  It could be that you’re having a hard time accepting your partner’s feelings for you because you’re really struggling to accept yourself.

3) Your past

So often, we bring old baggage into new relationships, but it’s natural.  We can’t help it.  We are all made up of a collection of past experiences, so if you grew up learning that others can’t be trusted, or if you were hurt in a former relationship, of course you’re going to carry that around with you.  What’s important is that you recognize your sore spots and when they’re hurting.  Being aware of your triggers can help you recognize when old feelings are coming up, versus when something in your relationship is actually wrong.  Therapy can help you identify these situations, respond to them effectively, and even heal lingering wounds.

4) Your friends

There’s an old episode of Sex and the City in which main character Carrie Bradshaw runs into a friend and his date in a Chinese restaurant while she is on her own date.  Carrie’s friend tells her that he brought his date there because he was ashamed to be out with her, and he didn’t think he’d see anybody he knew at that restaurant.  Instantly, Carrie begins to worry that her date took her there for the same reason.  We later find out that this isn’t the case at all.  Carrie’s date took her there because he loved the food.  Be wary anytime a friend, coworker, family member, or that romantic comedy you streamed on Netflix last week tells you that there is something wrong with your relationship.  Sure, take advice, but take it with a grain of salt.  Your relationship is unique, and the only people who really know what’s going on inside of it are you and your partner.

Determining whether or not you can trust another person is difficult and high-stakes territory.  Know yourself.  Know the difference between a gut feeling and a fear or insecurity, and when in doubt, balance out your emotions with a healthy dose of objectivity.  If you’re worried that your relationship is unhealthy or headed that way, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you determine where these feelings are coming from, whether or not to act on them, and how to do it.

Dear High School Seniors: An Open Letter to the Class of 2020 from a Mental Health Counselor

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dear High School Seniors,

This is the time you have been waiting for.  It’s warming up outside, and the days are getting longer.  Both are signs that the end of the school year is drawing near.  This May marks the 10-year anniversary since I graduated high school, and I still remember the excitement of looking out a classroom window, knowing that soon, I would be free.

I also remember the spring sports.  Going to high school baseball games felt extra fun when I knew my foot was halfway out the door.

I remember prom dress shopping, and of course, the prom, itself.  Like I was, I know many of you have been dreaming of prom since you were kids.

Graduation, although long and hot, was a rite of passage.  It almost felt like I left a different person than who I was when I arrived.

I know you, graduating class of 2020, have been longing for these experiences, along with senior barbeques, senior pranks, and senior trips, since not only the beginning of this year, but since the beginning of high school, if not the beginning of your entire school career.  Never did you think that the senior year experience you’d been counting down to would disappear, seemingly in a matter of days, because of a global pandemic.

You might be feeling angry, grumbling, “It’s not fair,” under your breath.

Maybe you’re sad, knowing that the end-of-year memories you counted on making with your best friends are no longer an option.

Maybe you’re scared, wondering how the state of the economy will affect your financial aid for college or your entry into the workforce.

I’m willing to bet some of you feel hopeless.  Maybe college was your chance for a fresh start or an escape from a less-than-ideal living situation, and now you’re not so sure if your plans for this fall are still on.

There’s a lot of pressure right now- to be grateful, to be productive, to somehow stay in control during a situation that is completely out of our control- but I’m not here to tell you any of those things.

I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to not be okay right now.  It’s okay to feel any of those feelings I mentioned before, along with any others you might be experiencing.  It’s also okay if you’re not feeling much of anything.  Having either very strong or muted emotions during this time doesn’t mean you’re weak or selfish or crazy or broken.  It means you’re human, and you’re grieving, not only for the absence of the people you planned to see for two more months at school, but also for the experiences you thought you’d have.

One of my favorite ways I’ve heard grief described is as the loss of a dream.  That is exactly what is going on right now.  Emotions associated with grief include anything from irritability, despair, anger, and shame to apathy, disbelief, numbness, and even relief.  Other symptoms include difficulty concentrating, decreased or increased energy level, headaches, feeling like you don’t belong, over/underachieving, seeking more attention, and so many more (seriously, Google it).  Grief symptoms also might change rapidly, causing you to feel scattered or confused by your own emotions and behavior.

A common belief is that everybody experiences grief differently.  While it is true that everybody experiences grief symptoms at different levels and in a different order, people who are grieving often have more in common than they realize.

I encourage you, at this time, to accept whatever it is you might be feeling without judgment.  Take some time to sit with your feelings.  Get to know them.  Journal about them.  And when you’re ready, talk about them with a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.

I see you, high school seniors of 2020, and I am grieving with you as I picture myself 10 years ago forgoing the experiences I was lucky enough to have.  Be with yourselves, allowing yourself to witness your own pain, and be with each other in spirit by connecting and supporting one another from afar.  As you pioneer this crisis, being the first to ever experience a senior year of this kind, remember- you are doing better than you know.

Warmly,

Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.

Fire Needs Air

By Mary Claire Schibelka

“I went through his phone.”  “I hacked her Facebook.” “Give me your Instagram password so I know I can trust you.”  “Share your location with me.” If you haven’t been on the giving or receiving end of one of these statements, I’m willing to bet that you know or have heard of someone who has.

In the digital age, cheating seems easier than ever.  Twenty years ago, infidelity meant risking being seen in public together or, at the very least, calling the house phone, never knowing who might answer.  Now, we have the ability to silently converse through text messages, dating apps, Instagram DMs, and Snapchats. We no longer share phones and other devices with each other.  Instead, we keep them tucked away in our pockets and often protected by passwords.

For some who fear betrayal, the antidote to their anxiety is total access.  If they can see their partner’s activity, then they can prevent cheating, or at least eliminate the opportunity for it.  This goes hand in hand with the belief that if two people are really in love, they are completely transparent with each other, and doing so increases trust and intimacy.  But what if just the opposite were true?

Esther Perel, famous Belgian psychotherapist and relationship researcher, asserts that in order for desire to endure, partners must maintain a certain degree of independence and privacy.  In fact, the ability for members of a couple to be both autonomous and connected is one of the trademarks of intimacy. Without mystery, novelty, and some elusiveness, the flame of desire can very quickly burn out, thus creating the exact relationship problems we all wish to avoid.

Knowing every detail of your counterpart’s digital activity might not be helpful, anyways.  Typically, when we look for trouble, we are likely to find it, even in things that might not otherwise upset us.  A harmless text message could be misinterpreted by a snooping partner who is hyperaware of any threat to the relationship.  The discovery of a mindlessly “liked” photo might lead to undue suspicions and heartache. While these things are often meaningless, discovering them might feel like a betrayal.

Rather than demanding control and total entry into your partner’s online world, have a discussion and negotiate what is appropriate and what is not.  Is liking pictures posted by the opposite sex okay? A “happy birthday” text to an ex? What about deleting a dating app from your phone but not deleting your account altogether?  The answers to these questions will be different for everyone.

Once boundary lines have been drawn, the next step is to allow room for trust to grow.  Having a hard time trusting your partner? That is a different conversation. Just remember, eliminating privacy is not the answer.  Intimacy and desire need space, or in the words of Esther Perel, “Fire needs air.”

Is Social Media Ruining your Social Distancing Experience?

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Social media:  good or evil? The battle is nothing new.  What is new is that now, for the first time, users are engaging in social media while practicing social distancing, away from the outside world.

During this unprecedented time, one could argue that social media is more important than ever.  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat connect us to friends and family members that we might otherwise be separated from.  Coronavirus memes help us use humor to cope with a troubling situation. Online discussions about our hobbies, interests, the latest TV shows (Tiger King, anyone?) remind us that although we are apart, we still have so much in common.  

Professionals and even celebrities have also been using social media in creative and helpful ways.  Artists, such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, John Legend, and Billie Eilsih, have used Instagram to perform live streams and connect with their fans.  Likewise, yoga teachers, counselors, dieticians, and doctors hold classes and workshops, via social media, to help followers stay physically and mentally healthy during quarantine. In a world where we’ve been advised to stay in our respective homes, social media gives us an avenue to remain together in spirit and access resources that can be incredibly useful.

While the positive aspects of social media during this time are undeniable, like anything, it can be harmful in excess- especially now.  Social media has a way of keeping us engaged. Most of us are familiar with the experience of innocently logging into Facebook to check our messages and finding ourselves, an hour later, watching videos of puppies or clicking through pictures of somebody we haven’t seen in ten years.  This can feel like a waste of time at best, and at worst, cause us to procrastinate important tasks. Couple perceived wasted time with the seemingly-endless posts you’re likely to come across about “staying productive” during quarantine, and you’ve fixed yourself a dangerous cocktail of possible self-criticism and even shame.

It’s no secret that social media can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.  Anytime we peer into the lives of others, we risk the possibility of unhealthy comparisons.  Now, however, we are viewing social media in the absence of exposure to the real world. We have lost the majority of our opportunities to go outside and see what the average person looks like.  Instead, we see more carefully-selected, and often Photoshopped or Face Tuned, photographs taken from flattering angles. Friends haven’t stopped Snapchatting pictures of their Quarantine Cuties, but now, singles no longer have the ability to go to social gatherings in the hope of meeting their own special someone.  Because of the Coronavirus, our worlds have all grown smaller, and if used without caution, social media can make it easier than ever for our perceptions of ourselves to become negatively skewed.

Am I suggesting that everybody give up social media for the rest of the quarantine?  No. I am not. Instead, I encourage you to practice mindfulness around your usage. If you are noticing increased anxiety, depression, or negative self-talk after spending time on social media, consider limiting how much time you spend online per day.  Reduce your temptation to constantly log on by turning off your notifications. Unfollow accounts that lead you to comparison, as well as those that spike your anxiety (many people report heightened anxiety after seeing social media posts about the Coronavirus, itself).  Also, consider the content that you are posting. If you find yourself posting selfies in hopes of accumulating likes to increase your self-esteem, you might actually be worsening it. Now might also be a time to question the helpfulness of controversial posts that frequently lead to online arguments.

Most importantly, check in with yourself.  Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations while using social media.  Trust yourself. If you experience self-bullying, feelings of hopelessness, tightness in your chest, or similar experiences, it may be time to rethink whether or not social media is serving you at this time.

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)

Asking for Help: Taking a Mental Trust Fall

I watched helplessly as the flood waters rose.  Panicking, my husband and I tried to barricade certain areas of our apartment with anything absorbent.  Towels. Old clothes. Spare bed sheets. We tried to bail out as much water as we could, which was really only effective in reducing the helplessness we felt versus actually making an impact on the rising water.

If you live in the Midwest you know about the torrential downpours that appear out of nowhere, dumping down on everything in sight.  It happens a handful of times a year and if you don’t actually get caught in one of these storms they can be pretty cool to watch. On this night, however, it was pure hell and high water.

The hours ticked by into the early morning as we dealt with the clean up, but we knew that there was going to be damage to our home.  The next 48 hours were spent in some denial of the amount of damage until we got the news that the hardwood floors needed to be ripped up and about 2 feet of drywall around our apartment needed to be cut out to avoid any mold forming.  This meant that we were out of a home for the foreseeable future...Crap!

This was the time to call on my support system, both for emotional support and physical...because we needed somewhere to live for the month.  This is a topic that gets brought up a lot in the therapy room: support systems. What are they? When do I need to use them? How do I form one?  And probably the most difficult part: When I need it, how do I ask for help?

In my case, my husband is the biggest support I have and I’m lucky to have someone I feel comfortable with asking for help.  However, when we are both going through a shit storm we rely on our friends to be there for us. This is often a very vulnerable experience for me.  It’s one thing to ask for a listening ear to air some extra stress, it’s much bigger to ask for a temporary home for a month.

One of my friends put it best: Asking for help is like a mental trust fall. You feel fairly certain that people will be there to catch you, but right before you ask comes the worry. Will they be available? Am I asking too much?  Will they just begrudgingly say yes? 

Setting up a good support system takes time because of how trust is formed.  We form trust by sharing bits about ourselves and seeing how people take it in.  If it goes well, we share more. Once enough trust is formed we can begin to ask for small things of our supporters and increase those asks over time.  Remember: in any relationship give and take is a must, so make sure you’re also available to show up for those in your life when they ask something of you. 

When you ask for help, be yourself.  It’s okay to show your nerves and awkwardness (like me) when you explain the situation.  It’s best to be genuine. Express how you’re feeling, whether it’s wishing you didn’t have to ask, or being grateful to have people in your lives to ask in the first place.  Be direct instead of beating around the bush. Don’t hint at what you need. If you just need to be heard, ask for it. If you need a place to stay for a month, ask for it. And of course, express all of your appreciation for their support.

As I deal with the aftermath of this flood, I realize that I know people are there to support me and my husband.  Even though I know that, it hasn’t made it any easier to actually ask for the help we need. It really is like standing with your back toward a group of people and falling, hoping that they will catch you.  I’m grateful that so far, that has been the case with this crisis. Next time you’re in need of help, take a deep breath and fall back on your support system. Even though it’s scary and takes a lot of trust, it’s worth it to have the support.

THIS is the key to change

I’m sitting in the chair with my mouth wide open.  I’m staring at the ceiling as the drill starts up. I smell the horrible smell of bone being shaved off my tooth.  I taste the bitterness of the adhesive sliding on to my tongue. The dentist stands over me. Just behind him is the computer screen where I can see my “treatment plan,” aka all of the work that’s ahead of me in the months to come.  I breathe and think to myself “I can do this. I can do this.”

There’s a break in the procedure where I have time to sit with the unpleasantness I'm experiencing and also the sheer dread of the rest of the work I will have to get done.  My treatment plan sits there mocking me. As the technician comes back she say, “Are you okay, you look like you’re about to cry!” I mumble back, “No I’m fine” as I think to myself, I’m not in physical pain...no, this is the face of regret.  I’m regretting my sheer avoidance of the dentist for longer than I care to admit.  Regretting only doing the minimum twice-a-day brushing on top of a steady intake of sugar for the last decade.  Regretting all the money I’ll be forking over to fix all of this.  

And in that moment I mentally commit to never being in this position again.  I vow to brush, floss, mouthwash, and repeat so that I never have to feel this again. "Enough is enough," I say to myself.

Some might call this my rock bottom of oral care.  A wake-up call. Come to Jesus moment. Whatever you call it, it was the moment where the pain of staying the same outweighed the pain of changing.  I had suffered enough to decide that I needed to change. This, my friends, is the key to change: using the principles of pain (and pleasure).

The forces that motivate humans the most are pain and pleasure.  If enough of either are applied we typically respond. If a few years ago someone had offered me great sums of money to stay on top of flossing my teeth, chances are I would have done it.  In the same way, experiencing the complete unpleasantness that is dental work has now helped me comply to a thorough regimen.

The problem with using pain and pleasure to enact change is this that there is a delay.

In real life pleasure is normally something that comes much later, making it difficult for us to stay on top of the change we want to make.  If you are unsatisfied with your job and struggle to get yourself to update your resume and cover letter, network, and start applying for new jobs, you likely won’t see the fruits of your labor until you’re actually settled in to a new job.  Waiting for the pleasure makes it hard to motivate yourself to start the process, which is why people usually wait for the pain to set in before getting started. Many people wait until they are so miserable in their current job that they have that “enough is enough” moment which gets them to act.

Pain usually is more motivating for humans than pleasure, however, I think most of us would agree that it is not ideal to wait until we hit rock bottom before we act.  So how can we use the pain and pleasure principle to help motivate us to change? Our imagination.

Right now, call to mind something that you would like to see changed in your life.  Take a few moments to journal and fully imagine what life would look like as you consider the following (note: this is much more effective if you allow yourself to fully feel your feelings as you move through this): 

What would life look like if you haven’t made this change in the next 6 months?  What about in the next year? What about the next 5 years? 10? 20? Allow yourself to really imagine what might happen in the future.  How would you feel? What would it cost you emotionally? What would it cost you financially? What would your relationships be like? What would be the impact on your health?  

Really vividly bring these images up and feel what it’s like.

The idea here is to make it so unbearable that you have to change today.  Enough is enough!

Now, take a few moments to journal and fully imagine life if you did make a change, again fully feeling everything that comes up:

If this change were to happen today, what would life look like in the next 6 months?  What about in the next year? What about the next 5 years? 10? 20? Allow yourself to really imagine what might happen in future.  How would you feel? What would it be like financially? What would your relationships be like? What would be the impact on your health?

Hopefully you enjoyed the latter exercise more.  Because using our imagination is not quite as impactful as literal pain and pleasure, I recommend that you come back to the exercise consistently.  It’s helpful to drive these feelings it into your nervous system, which can only happen if you fully allow yourself to feel the feelings.  

The Magic Ratio: What to look out for when fighting with your partner

All couples fight.  It is normal for both happy and unhappy couples and at times it can be a helpful part of a relationship. One may ask, just how much fighting is okay?  The work of Research Psychologist John Gottman, PhD, points to the fact that it’s not about how much fighting there is in a relationship. It’s about the types of interactions people have within those conflicts.

When I first learned about Gottman, I was a tad intimidated.  In reading about him I learned that he is known for being able to predict whether or not a couple will get divorced with 95% accuracy in just one meeting with them.  Yikes!

Dr. Gottman has devoted his career to researching couples and learning about the characteristics that are found in both happy and unhappy relationships.  And while there are many factors that go into what creates happiness and satisfaction for couples, one figure in particular has always stood out to me from Gottman’s work: the 5-to-1 ratio. 

Gottman learned that couples who consistently report being happy and satisfied in their relationship tend to have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction during conflict.  In other words, happy couples have positive interactions five times more often than negative interactions when they fight. 

We may think to ourselves that all conflict is negative, but considering that conflict is inevitable, what Gottman means by “negative” is often what we think of as ineffective communication.  High levels of defensiveness, sneering, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or avoiding the conversation completely are all examples of negative interactions.

“Positive” interactions within conflict don’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything your partner says, or backing down from your position.  Instead, we can think of positive interactions as listening with the intention of understanding, admitting faults and apologizing when needed, laughing or making jokes that both people find humorous, mutually deciding to take a break from the conversation, validating, and ultimately trying to create a way to solve the problem.

Take inventory of how your next conflict goes.  If you’re seeing that the negative interactions far outweigh the positives, it could be helpful to examine this further.  Reading is a great place to start and I often recommend that my clients read Dr. Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making a Marriage Work.  Individual and/or couples therapy can also be an effective way to manage the conflict.  

The most interesting thing I learned from the 5-to-1 ratio is that it is not necessarily how often a couple fights that is important, but rather how they interact within the conflict.  I think this is helpful to remember, and it is something that all couples can benefit from recognizing.

Love in the Time of Eco-Anxiety

It all started with trying to save money on paper towels.  My husband and I noticed how many paper towels we were using every week and thought it would be an interesting experiment to see if we could go without.  We cut up old t-shirts for rags and increased the amount of cloth towels hanging in our kitchen. It only took a week or so to realize that it wasn’t nearly as difficult as we'd thought it would be and, in addition to saving us money, it was way better for the environment.  That was the start…

Over the next couple of years I slowly started recognizing more ways in which we were overconsuming and began swapping in the more eco-friendly solution.  I realized that it wasn’t enough to just recycle, that we needed to reduce...a lot!  I found myself reading articles and watching documentaries about the climate crisis.  As I continued to look for ways to reduce our carbon footprint I became acutely aware of my community’s over consumption.  It bothered me. What I found to be even more troublesome was the complete lack of awareness and concern that so many people had.  There seemed to be no sense of urgency for most people to change their habits.

For a short while I tried to recruit my friends to get just as passionate about the climate crisis as I was.  Unfortunately, as a therapist I know all too well that change has to come from within and ultimately my efforts had minimal effect.  

Every car I saw zoom by, every burger I saw cooked or ordered and every forecast that predicted an even greater natural disaster than last year would make my stomach stir.  I was anxious about the fate of our world. For a while it was all I could think about. My husband and I had many talks about our fears, our anger, and at times hopelessness about this situation.  These talks were sometimes cathartic, allowing me to get everything out. 

This is eco-anxiety, a term used to describe the chronic fear of climate change and the sense of doom one may feel as a result.  It is a source of stress that an increasing number of people are feeling as they see day after day the damaging effects humans have on this planet.  Stress is often caused by our longing to want to control a situation when our reality dictates that we actually don’t have the amount of control that we desire.  Often a sense of loss and helplessness accompanies this stress and fear.

I’ve worked in the mental health field for over 10 years and I've never seen as many clients coming in with anxiety about the environment as I have within the last 2 years.  Much of the time, clients with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) struggle to manage persistent worry which is not backed up by facts. Treatment of GAD can include challenging the validity of the worry.  Unfortunately, eco-anxiety is backed up by the facts, making it particularly difficult to reduce the symptoms.

I’ve seen eco-anxiety weigh heavy on major life decisions for my clients: whether or not to have children, quitting jobs in industries that perpetuate the problem, deciding where to live, and even considering if they can maintain relationships with family members who reject climate change.  The work has largely been about sitting in the uncertainty and loss my clients are experiencing. It has been about doing as much as they can and also knowing when they need to take breaks.

What I've found to be helpful when people experience fear and loss, however, is connecting with people who are going through the same thing.  When we come together as a community to process grief, share, and relate, it provides a certain support that can be empowering.  

The Good Grief Network has been building a 10-step support program for eco-anxiety where they seek to “find the delicate balance between unrealistic optimism and angry nihilism.”  They are bringing people together to help combat the effects of eco-anxiety, knowing that these groups will not reverse what has already happened, but provide support for those who are acutely aware and unnerved by the future.

I was able to get in touch with the women at the Good Grief Network and plan to start an Eco-anxiety Support and Process Group based on their work thus far.  This will be a chance to unite those who are struggling in isolation to deconstruct their feelings and gain a sense of community in this difficult time.  

As for me, I’ve found that finding my own people has helped.  People who are like-minded make me feel like there's hope. I continue to look for ways to help the environment and continue to intentionally expose myself to the devastation.  When meeting with clients I do not minimize the impact of eco-anxiety, but instead empathize and sit alongside them.  

I’m not sure how this will all end, but I’m willing to keep showing up.  I’m willing to keep confronting this global crisis through coming to terms with how I’ve contributed and also how I can be a catalyst for change.  I’m willing to show up for my community and provide a space for people to connect.

If you’d like more information about the Eco-Anxiety Support & Process group email admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com

Tips to Effectively Manage Avoidance

You’re sitting in your living room watching yet another episode of The Office.  You’ve seen it a million times, at least.  In the back of your mind you’re aware of that nagging thought.  You ignore it and go back to Jim’s latest prank on Dwight. The thought pops up again.  You ignore it. It pops up again. You ignore it. It pops again and this time you’re even aware that by ignoring it you’re only making it worse than actually attending to it.  And yet, you ignore it.

You’ve found yourself suspended in avoidance.  But the worst kind of avoidance - one foot in awareness that you are avoiding and the other foot in the commitment to continuing to avoid.  You’re not even enjoying the procrastination, but you keep on doing it.

Avoidance is one of the most common issues I have seen as a therapist.  People tend to avoid tasks from simple chores to the complexity of attending to bills and bank statements.  Some neglect attending to certain relationships with friends or family. Other people may avoid places or experiences even when it’s ineffective like skipping work or that one crucial networking event.  It is even a common experience for some to wish to escape the simple act of just being still.  

What avoidance boils down to is an aversion to uncomfortable emotions that the target of the avoidance brings up. 

People avoid in all types of ways.  They may numb through excessive alcohol use, video games, or media.  They may over commit themselves with a busy schedule, or just flat-out procrastinate.

Why do we do this, especially when we hit that critical moment of being aware that avoidance isn’t feeling good anymore? Why do we still commit ourselves to avoidance?  Sometimes we are so conditioned to engage in this response that it’s extremely hard to break the cycle. Other times we may fear the emotions that come up so much with whatever we are avoiding that we opt for the unpleasantness of knowing we are not doing what we “should” be doing.

Believe it or not, there is a way out.  You can learn to turn off The Office and stop ignoring things in your life.  Check out some of the strategies that may help:

Eat the Frog

Mark Twain wrote that if you start your day by eating a frog you can be assured that everything else in your day won’t be quite as unpleasant.  Essentially, this is saying do the thing that you least want to do first. Get it out of the way. It’s amazing what a relief it is, which might make it that much more reinforcing to do it again tomorrow.  Speaking of reinforcement….

Set up a reward system

Whether it’s the simplest of tasks or something you’ve been avoiding for weeks it can be helpful to have a reward at the end of it.  The key with using a reward system, though, is that it has to truly be something you’ll work to get. Because we live in a society of instant gratification it can actually be difficult to think about something that would serve as a reward great enough to get us moving.  I often encourage clients to think of something so indulgent they usually don’t allow themselves that thing. You have to go further than a mani-pedi, especially if you know every Tuesday you are scheduled at the nail salon. Don’t give yourself something you would naturally give yourself anyway.  Think big!

Check in with your values

It’s okay if we simply just don’t want to do something.  However, sometimes there are things that are worth willing ourselves to do.  Usually those things are aspects of our lives that create meaning and fulfillment, they are the things we value most.  Remembering that you value an abundant career may make you more willing to attend that networking event, despite the social anxiety that creeps up.  Calling to mind that cultivating deeper friendships or family relationships brings meaning to your life may make it easier to finally pick up the phone. Check out how what you typically avoid may fall into your set of values.

If you’re going to avoid, at least do it skillfully

And if at the end of the day you still haven’t balanced your checkbook (does anyone still do that?) and you reach for the remote for one last episode before you go to bed, know that you don’t have to shame yourself or be critical of yourself.  Know that shame and self-judgment rarely lead to long term change. The reality is, many people procrastinate, put off, and avoid the unpleasant things in life. You’re not alone! If you’re going to do it, at least be fully present in what you are doing to avoid it.  Enjoy that episode you’ve seen a dozen times, find that one thing that makes social media more interesting this time around, get captivated in whatever you’re doing, knowing that you will likely have to attend to the thing you are putting off at some point.