Why Do You Keep Procrastinating, and How Can You Stop?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?

The answer:  All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.

Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control.  However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower.  Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.

Read on to learn more about why you procrastinate and how you can stop.

Reason 1:  You Fear Failure

One of the most common reasons people procrastinate is the fear of failure.  Maybe you’ve been wanting to learn Spanish for the past 3 years, but because you know it won’t be easy, you still haven’t signed up for a class.

Tips:

• If the idea of failure feels scary to you, ask yourself why.  What experiences have you had with failure in the past?  

• Look up inspirational quotes on failure to remind yourself that it’s a normal experience and often an important part of learning.  

• Put your past failures in perspective by identifying at least one new thing you learned from each experience.

Reason 2:  You Fear Success

Believe it or not, many people fear success.  When you succeed at something, you set a new bar for yourself.  Expectations of you become greater.  For example, if you apply for a new job and get it, you’re then expected to perform well at that job.  This can feel like a great deal of pressure and lead to procrastination of tasks you’ll likely succeed at.

Tips:

• Maintain a “cheering squad” of the people closest to you who can help you feel supported and capable of taking on new challenges.  

• Recall past successes and times you exceeded your own expectations.

Reason 3:  Perfectionism

Perfectionism often accompanies the fear of failure.  If you struggle with perfectionism, you may believe that being any less than perfect at something reduces your personal value.  Expecting yourself to be perfect can lead to anxiety, a common culprit behind perfectionism.

Tips:

• Remember the principle of diminishing returns.  The longer you obsess over something that’s already good enough, the less effective the time you spend on it becomes.  For example, studying for a test for 5 hours can help you get an A instead of a D.  However, spending an extra 5 hours studying will impact your grade less.  The difference between a D and an A is far more significant than the difference between an A and an A+.

• Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of your worth, even if you aren’t perfect.

• Hold yourself to the same standards you hold your friends to.  Chances are you’re way less hard on them than you are yourself.

Reason 4:  You’re Overwhelmed

If you have a ton of tasks on your to-do list, getting started on just one of them can feel like a challenge.  The same is true for getting started on a project that you know will take you a lengthy amount of time.

Tips:

• Build in rewards.  Do something enjoyable after completing each item on your list, or chunk your project/assignment into smaller pieces and reward yourself after completing each one.

• Eliminate any unnecessary tasks.

• Prioritize what’s most important and tackle that first.

• Delegate responsibilities to others when you can.

• Combine tasks.  For example, if you have to do laundry and run errands, throw your clothes in the washing machine and run errands while they’re washing.

• Plan ahead for when you’re going to work by putting necessary tasks in your calendar.

Reason 5:  You Don’t Know What To Do

The final reason why you may be procrastinating is because you simply don’t know what to do!  For example, if your car needs an oil change, and you have no idea how to do it, you’re probably going to put it off.

Tips:

• Ask yourself if the goal is too big.  In this case, maybe it would be easier to take the car to a mechanic than to learn how to change the oil yourself.

• Seek guidance from others who have done the task before in order to learn how to do it.

• Think of similar situations you’ve encountered.  Remember how you handled them, and see if you can apply those skills to this situation, too.

Beating yourself up and calling yourself lazy because you’re procrastinating is rarely helpful.  Instead, seek to understand why you’re struggling with procrastination.  Knowing your reason will help you figure out what to do next in order to feel accomplished, productive, and more in control of the things you have to do.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”

Tips to Effectively Manage Avoidance

You’re sitting in your living room watching yet another episode of The Office.  You’ve seen it a million times, at least.  In the back of your mind you’re aware of that nagging thought.  You ignore it and go back to Jim’s latest prank on Dwight. The thought pops up again.  You ignore it. It pops up again. You ignore it. It pops again and this time you’re even aware that by ignoring it you’re only making it worse than actually attending to it.  And yet, you ignore it.

You’ve found yourself suspended in avoidance.  But the worst kind of avoidance - one foot in awareness that you are avoiding and the other foot in the commitment to continuing to avoid.  You’re not even enjoying the procrastination, but you keep on doing it.

Avoidance is one of the most common issues I have seen as a therapist.  People tend to avoid tasks from simple chores to the complexity of attending to bills and bank statements.  Some neglect attending to certain relationships with friends or family. Other people may avoid places or experiences even when it’s ineffective like skipping work or that one crucial networking event.  It is even a common experience for some to wish to escape the simple act of just being still.  

What avoidance boils down to is an aversion to uncomfortable emotions that the target of the avoidance brings up. 

People avoid in all types of ways.  They may numb through excessive alcohol use, video games, or media.  They may over commit themselves with a busy schedule, or just flat-out procrastinate.

Why do we do this, especially when we hit that critical moment of being aware that avoidance isn’t feeling good anymore? Why do we still commit ourselves to avoidance?  Sometimes we are so conditioned to engage in this response that it’s extremely hard to break the cycle. Other times we may fear the emotions that come up so much with whatever we are avoiding that we opt for the unpleasantness of knowing we are not doing what we “should” be doing.

Believe it or not, there is a way out.  You can learn to turn off The Office and stop ignoring things in your life.  Check out some of the strategies that may help:

Eat the Frog

Mark Twain wrote that if you start your day by eating a frog you can be assured that everything else in your day won’t be quite as unpleasant.  Essentially, this is saying do the thing that you least want to do first. Get it out of the way. It’s amazing what a relief it is, which might make it that much more reinforcing to do it again tomorrow.  Speaking of reinforcement….

Set up a reward system

Whether it’s the simplest of tasks or something you’ve been avoiding for weeks it can be helpful to have a reward at the end of it.  The key with using a reward system, though, is that it has to truly be something you’ll work to get. Because we live in a society of instant gratification it can actually be difficult to think about something that would serve as a reward great enough to get us moving.  I often encourage clients to think of something so indulgent they usually don’t allow themselves that thing. You have to go further than a mani-pedi, especially if you know every Tuesday you are scheduled at the nail salon. Don’t give yourself something you would naturally give yourself anyway.  Think big!

Check in with your values

It’s okay if we simply just don’t want to do something.  However, sometimes there are things that are worth willing ourselves to do.  Usually those things are aspects of our lives that create meaning and fulfillment, they are the things we value most.  Remembering that you value an abundant career may make you more willing to attend that networking event, despite the social anxiety that creeps up.  Calling to mind that cultivating deeper friendships or family relationships brings meaning to your life may make it easier to finally pick up the phone. Check out how what you typically avoid may fall into your set of values.

If you’re going to avoid, at least do it skillfully

And if at the end of the day you still haven’t balanced your checkbook (does anyone still do that?) and you reach for the remote for one last episode before you go to bed, know that you don’t have to shame yourself or be critical of yourself.  Know that shame and self-judgment rarely lead to long term change. The reality is, many people procrastinate, put off, and avoid the unpleasant things in life. You’re not alone! If you’re going to do it, at least be fully present in what you are doing to avoid it.  Enjoy that episode you’ve seen a dozen times, find that one thing that makes social media more interesting this time around, get captivated in whatever you’re doing, knowing that you will likely have to attend to the thing you are putting off at some point.