Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do?  If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared.  Maybe this has even happened to you in real life!  Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first.  Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.

Now, ask yourself this:  Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself?  This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.

In American society, education is valued.  Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities.  Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information.  In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.

Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first.  However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.

Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs.  The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.

No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on.  Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network.  Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself.  At some point, you have to jump.

Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising.  Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process.  Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most.  You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure.  Failure makes a great teacher.  It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off.  So why avoid it?

Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready.  Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way.  Start going to classes anyways.  Learn about what you like and don’t like.  Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera.  You can buy a new one later.  Stop waiting for everything to be perfect.  It never will be.  Instead, just start.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.

Asking for Help: Taking a Mental Trust Fall

I watched helplessly as the flood waters rose.  Panicking, my husband and I tried to barricade certain areas of our apartment with anything absorbent.  Towels. Old clothes. Spare bed sheets. We tried to bail out as much water as we could, which was really only effective in reducing the helplessness we felt versus actually making an impact on the rising water.

If you live in the Midwest you know about the torrential downpours that appear out of nowhere, dumping down on everything in sight.  It happens a handful of times a year and if you don’t actually get caught in one of these storms they can be pretty cool to watch. On this night, however, it was pure hell and high water.

The hours ticked by into the early morning as we dealt with the clean up, but we knew that there was going to be damage to our home.  The next 48 hours were spent in some denial of the amount of damage until we got the news that the hardwood floors needed to be ripped up and about 2 feet of drywall around our apartment needed to be cut out to avoid any mold forming.  This meant that we were out of a home for the foreseeable future...Crap!

This was the time to call on my support system, both for emotional support and physical...because we needed somewhere to live for the month.  This is a topic that gets brought up a lot in the therapy room: support systems. What are they? When do I need to use them? How do I form one?  And probably the most difficult part: When I need it, how do I ask for help?

In my case, my husband is the biggest support I have and I’m lucky to have someone I feel comfortable with asking for help.  However, when we are both going through a shit storm we rely on our friends to be there for us. This is often a very vulnerable experience for me.  It’s one thing to ask for a listening ear to air some extra stress, it’s much bigger to ask for a temporary home for a month.

One of my friends put it best: Asking for help is like a mental trust fall. You feel fairly certain that people will be there to catch you, but right before you ask comes the worry. Will they be available? Am I asking too much?  Will they just begrudgingly say yes? 

Setting up a good support system takes time because of how trust is formed.  We form trust by sharing bits about ourselves and seeing how people take it in.  If it goes well, we share more. Once enough trust is formed we can begin to ask for small things of our supporters and increase those asks over time.  Remember: in any relationship give and take is a must, so make sure you’re also available to show up for those in your life when they ask something of you. 

When you ask for help, be yourself.  It’s okay to show your nerves and awkwardness (like me) when you explain the situation.  It’s best to be genuine. Express how you’re feeling, whether it’s wishing you didn’t have to ask, or being grateful to have people in your lives to ask in the first place.  Be direct instead of beating around the bush. Don’t hint at what you need. If you just need to be heard, ask for it. If you need a place to stay for a month, ask for it. And of course, express all of your appreciation for their support.

As I deal with the aftermath of this flood, I realize that I know people are there to support me and my husband.  Even though I know that, it hasn’t made it any easier to actually ask for the help we need. It really is like standing with your back toward a group of people and falling, hoping that they will catch you.  I’m grateful that so far, that has been the case with this crisis. Next time you’re in need of help, take a deep breath and fall back on your support system. Even though it’s scary and takes a lot of trust, it’s worth it to have the support.