Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.

Why Crushing is the Best

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” 

J. M. Barrie

Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone.  Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you.  Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.

When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers.  Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive.  It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.

You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal.  Surely, you’d sing in the car together.  They don’t seem like the type to cheat.  And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.

The possibilities are endless!  Imagine the places you could go together.  The movies you could snuggle up and watch.  The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet.  It’s just delicious fantasy.

Crushing is valuable.  While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship.  Why this person?  What is going to be different about this relationship?  What are you attracted to?  What are you hoping for?  These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.

This leads to the next question.  What if they don’t like you?  Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion.  How do you handle that?  What’s it like?  What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?

These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them.  After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter.  That’s what makes crushing so great.  Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love.  Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.

Crushing is unpredictable.  There’s no telling how it will really turn out.  Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide.  You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences.  Stay curious about both.  When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values.  What would you do if you were your best self?

Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person.  Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners.  Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table.  Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational.  And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”