How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky. After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.
It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together. Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:
Set Aside Time for Each Other
Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner. Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.
Make Sex a Priority
Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates. There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex. Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected. Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.
Express Your Gratitude
Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for. Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed. Then, thank him or her sincerely. It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.
Stay Respectful
Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice. You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap. Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry. For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names. These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.
If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long. It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to. While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them. Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.
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Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need to Know about Sexual Shame and How to Heal
How do you feel when you think about sex? Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love? If so, give yourself a pat on the back. You likely enjoy sex. But what if sex brings up different feelings for you? Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness? You may be struggling with sexual shame. You are not alone.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
How do you feel when you think about sex? Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love? If so, give yourself a pat on the back. You likely enjoy sex.
But what if sex brings up different feelings for you? Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness? You may be struggling with sexual shame. You are not alone.
What is Sexual Shame?
Human sexuality can be a source of intimacy, power, creativity, and pleasure. Unfortunately, if you grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty, immoral, or tabboo, or if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or a recipient of shaming messages about your body, the thought of sex alone might be enough to make your skin crawl.
Sexual shame is the experience of feeling “bad,” “wrong,” or inferior about any of the following:
Body size or shape
Appearance of genitals
Sexual bodily fluids
Sexual desire
Fantasies
Kinks
Sexual performance
Attraction
Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?
Sexual shame can be a result of direct messages from parents or religious figures about sex being dirty, sinful, or shameful. It can also result from implicit societal messaging, including pornography, advertising, cultural norms, and music.
For example, a child who is caught masturbating and scolded for touching his or her genitals might learn to equate sexual pleasure with immorality. Similarly, a woman of color who repeatedly sees porn consisting of only slender, white women may come to believe that her body is ugly or undesirable.
Naturally, sexual abuse can create a unique set of negative associations around sex. Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can struggle with shame caused by blaming themselves for the abuse or feeling like their bodies betrayed them by feeling physical pleasure during something they now know was wrong.
Regardless of the sources of sexual shame, healing is possible with therapy, personal practices, or a combination of both.
Breaking the Curse
If you struggle with sexual shame, hearing friends, R&B artists, and rom com characters talking about the pleasure they feel from sex can feel alienating. You may feel hopeless, like you’ve been cursed to live a life of sexual dissatisfaction forever. This is not the case! The following exercises can help you reduce sexual shame and discover the intimacy and pleasure of sex, maybe for the first time.
Talk About It
Shame thrives in the dark. Shed light on sexual shame by talking about it with people you trust. As you notice the feelings that arise when you talk about sexual shame, take deep breaths and imagine them moving through you until they eventually dissipate. Each time you do this, you will release more of the shame built up inside.
Have Sex with Safe People
Learn or relearn the true beauty of sex by having it with people who accept you and allow you to feel safe in your vulnerability. Try out different sexual positions, speeds, and activities, making sure to stay open minded while also holding boundaries that align with your values and level of comfortability.
Look at Your Genitals in a Mirror
Believe it or not, many people have not done this. Get as comfortable with seeing your genitals as you are with seeing the rest of your face and body. Not comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror at all? Spend more time looking at your entire being! The more comfortable you get with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel being naked with another person.
Invite Curiosity about Where Beliefs Come From
If you experience sexual shame but never thought much about it, now is the time to get curious. Identify the negative beliefs you have about sex or your body, and ask yourself where they come from. If you realize that they stem from culture or religion, study these structures and develop your own understanding of them. I’m not saying throw out everything you believe in, but ask yourself if any of your shaming beliefs might be rooted in misinterpretations, or if they are missing a necessary element of self-compassion. Consider what it would look like to let go of shame and still remain true to your values.
Moving Forward
Sexual shame is not an easy beast to wrestle with. Often, it is a slow process that requires appreciation for each inch moved closer to appreciation for your sexuality. To learn more about sexual shame, where it comes from, and how to overcome it, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com
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Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
Let’s Talk About Sex: Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life
Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
Many also reach out because although they may not always want to discuss topics that are particularly spiritual, they find it easier to talk about their lives with someone who already speaks their language. For example, telling your therapist you went out with your Small Group, can be cumbersome if you have to pause and explain what a Small Group is. Especially if you say something like, “So after the service, my Small Group and I went to the worship leader’s house for fellowship.” Sometimes, it’s just easier to work with someone who has the right background knowledge.
Before taking on anyone new, I always explain my limitations. I am not a pastor. I haven’t been to theology school. I have a master’s degree in counseling, and while I can help you process what you believe, I do not have the knowledge to give advice or clarification on scripture. I have no authority to tell you what is right or wrong, nor do I have the ethical ability to.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, my superpower is different. I can help you untangle all of the thoughts, emotions, values, behaviors, and beliefs that impact your spiritual health. I can help you understand your faith journey and its relationship with your mental health. I can help you dissect problems and find practical solutions that align with your unique values. I can offer you non-judgmental emotional support as you go through all of life’s struggles and make complicated decisions. If you’re looking for spiritual direction, I can help you find a theological professional who can offer additional support where my area of expertise ends.
Faith-based counseling sessions are safe, confidential spaces where clients can talk about anything. Some popular topics discussed in Christian counseling include:
Dating: identifying your needs, values in dating, breakups, dating apps, marriage
Sex: boundaries, building intimacy, sexual shame, sex drive, sexual orientation
Work: stress, burnout, serving, passion, purpose, success
Leisure: work-life balance, building community, social media
Trauma: shame, abuse, family of origin issues
Clients who seek faith-based counseling can talk about spirituality as much or as little as they please during sessions. There is no minimum requirement. Faith could be the center of your life or something on the back burner. Counselors will meet you where you are. If you’re interested in more information about faith-based counseling, reach out to maryclaire@elevatedlifecounseling.com. All are welcome.