Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking
Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.” On the surface, these seem like good answers. But are they enough?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.” On the surface, these seem like good answers. But are they enough?
In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past. Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t. Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.
Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.
Here’s how to do it:
Identify Similar Values
Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time. Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.
What life-driving values do you have in common? Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling. Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.
Write Your Mission Statement
Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together. Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple. Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house. If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire. When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?
What Do You Need To Change?
On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise. Why? Because you were wildly and passionately in love. But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?
At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married. If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.”
Live Your Reason
Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day. If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner. Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole. Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily. This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.
It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.
Relationships can be difficult. When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed? For some people, this is a new idea. If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.
Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
Many also reach out because although they may not always want to discuss topics that are particularly spiritual, they find it easier to talk about their lives with someone who already speaks their language. For example, telling your therapist you went out with your Small Group, can be cumbersome if you have to pause and explain what a Small Group is. Especially if you say something like, “So after the service, my Small Group and I went to the worship leader’s house for fellowship.” Sometimes, it’s just easier to work with someone who has the right background knowledge.
Before taking on anyone new, I always explain my limitations. I am not a pastor. I haven’t been to theology school. I have a master’s degree in counseling, and while I can help you process what you believe, I do not have the knowledge to give advice or clarification on scripture. I have no authority to tell you what is right or wrong, nor do I have the ethical ability to.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, my superpower is different. I can help you untangle all of the thoughts, emotions, values, behaviors, and beliefs that impact your spiritual health. I can help you understand your faith journey and its relationship with your mental health. I can help you dissect problems and find practical solutions that align with your unique values. I can offer you non-judgmental emotional support as you go through all of life’s struggles and make complicated decisions. If you’re looking for spiritual direction, I can help you find a theological professional who can offer additional support where my area of expertise ends.
Faith-based counseling sessions are safe, confidential spaces where clients can talk about anything. Some popular topics discussed in Christian counseling include:
Dating: identifying your needs, values in dating, breakups, dating apps, marriage
Sex: boundaries, building intimacy, sexual shame, sex drive, sexual orientation
Work: stress, burnout, serving, passion, purpose, success
Leisure: work-life balance, building community, social media
Trauma: shame, abuse, family of origin issues
Clients who seek faith-based counseling can talk about spirituality as much or as little as they please during sessions. There is no minimum requirement. Faith could be the center of your life or something on the back burner. Counselors will meet you where you are. If you’re interested in more information about faith-based counseling, reach out to maryclaire@elevatedlifecounseling.com. All are welcome.