The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that old saying, “They always come back”?  Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere.  In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex.  And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.

Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes, they’re bored.  Sometimes, they’re lonely.  If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past.  Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.

Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:

Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect.  Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge.  If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.

Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt.  Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back.  Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting.  Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business.  Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.

Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody.  There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately.  In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.

Ask Yourself These Questions

What am I feeling?

The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions.  It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling.  Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them.  You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.

How are my emotions influencing my decision?

Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10.  Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response.  If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix.  If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences.  Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.

How will responding impact me emotionally?

Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back.  How about an hour after?  How about next week?  In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness.  In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.

Takeaways

Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting.  Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight.  Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point.  When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.

Every Single’s Guide to Thriving During the 2020 Holidays

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I’ve got a quiz for you!  Which of the following statements most accurately summarizes your feelings about being single during the holidays?

1. Love it!  Fewer gifts to buy.

2. I’m a bit lonely, nothing too serious.

3. Annoyed.  If I see another diamond commercial on Hulu, I’ll scream.

4. I have decided not to leave the house until March.

I think we’re all aware that being single during the holidays can be tough.  You know how it is.  Seasonal rom coms start clogging up your Netflix recommendations.  Matching pajamas on Instagram.  All that stuff that’s fun and cute unless you’re the one not doing it.  Even if you answered “A” and love being single, Aunt Karen with the questions about why you’re still single can get pretty annoying this time of year.

It’s normal to experience loneliness or sadness around the holidays whether you’re single or not. Sometimes being single, though, can amplify these feelings.  According to the Girlboss article, “How To Cope When The Holiday Blues Creep In,” these feelings can be attributed to stress, high expectations, and increased media focus on love and relationships during the holiday season.  Use these tips to fight relationship FOMO, continue your journey of self-growth, and live your most satisfying life during the 2020 holidays.

Start a Gratitude Journal

Sometimes during singleness, it feels really easy to focus on everything that you’re missing out on.  This year, start a list of everything you do have.  Focus specifically on experiences you’re thankful for that wouldn’t be possible if you were in a relationship.  The more you list, the more you’ll start to notice the beauty of this time in your life.

Go Back To Your Values

So much of my work involves helping clients identify and live according to their values.  Why?  Because values are your roadmap to a deep sense of joy.  You will never be happy 100% of the time, but as long as you act in accordance with your values, you will create a life of meaningful and fulfilling experiences, and you will grow into a person you love.  Complete this worksheet by Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, to learn about your values.  Then, make a list of all the values-guided activities you can do this holiday season.

Give Back

Change your perspective on life this year by improving someone else’s.  Volunteering to help others reduces your focus on your own problems.  It also feels really good to know you’re bettering someone else’s holiday experience, even if you’re not completely happy about your own.  Chicago dwellers, check out this Thrillist article to find local volunteer opportunities according to your skillset.

Invest in Yourself

This holiday season, take the money you would have spent on gifts for a significant other and put it towards something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself.  Maybe you’ve been thinking about taking an online course or buying a new camera to start your YouTube channel.  No matter what is, now is a great time to take the next step towards that goal you’ve had waiting for you on the back burner.

Being single during the holidays isn’t always easy, but it can be a time of deep contentment, gratitude, and development.  What’s your favorite winter holiday?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Troubleshooting Your Goals: Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was.  The human experience has always fascinated me.  When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes.  I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above.  Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true.  She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.

Sure enough, at the end of the next year, I filled out my course request form, turned it in immediately, and beamed when I received my schedule for the next year.  There it was, Intro to Psychology, 2nd period.  The rest is history.

Having to wait until my sophomore year of high school to take my first psychology class was only one of the roadblocks I faced while working towards my current career.  In fact, when this all happened, I had no idea that I would end up where I am now.  I admit, becoming a mental health counselor was a thought in the back of my mind, but at that point, there was still a long road ahead of me.

I ended up pursuing a Bachelor’s of Science in Special Education and spent my first two years out of college teaching high school World Studies.  By the end of my first year, I was already thinking about going back to school, get a master’s degree, and becoming a therapist for young adults dealing with a lot of the same issues I was handling at the time.  In order to accomplish this goal, I had to resign from my first career, select a master’s program that aligned with my goals, get rejected from my dream school, and hustle my way through 2016-2019 in the service industry while I worked on my degree.

Plenty of times, I stumbled, got lost, and had to reassess my roadmap along the way.  Here are some troubleshooting questions I asked myself during the times I felt stuck:⠀⠀

1.  Is what I’m currently doing leading me towards what I ultimately want out of life?

Before solidifying my decision to make the jump from teaching to counseling, I had to seriously think about this.  I realized that I was working in a field that would never bring me the income, schedule flexibility, opportunity to use my entrepreneurial skills, or career autonomy that I knew I wanted.  I had to ultimately decide that it was time to make a change, even though I knew it would mean struggling hard for 2.5 years.

2.  How motivated am I?

Sometimes, not very.  I applied to one university for undergrad, and I chose it because I didn’t have to write an essay (my 17 year-old self was not having it 😂.).  At the age of 22, I still hated filling out applications, so I put it off for a while.  In order to begin working towards my goal, I had to find the willingness to sit down, complete applications, collect letters of recommendation, figure out how to work a fax machine, and yes, write a few essays.  The interesting thing about this is that I never wanted, per se, to do any of it.  What I wanted was my dream career.  By focusing on the bigger picture, I was able to harness the energy and drive to take the necessary steps forward, even though not all of them were particularly enjoyable.

3.  Are my goals realistic?

I thought they were!  Then, after getting rejected from a very prestigious grad program, I had to grieve my dream and adjust my expectations. I got good grades in undergrad, but I did no extracurriculars.  Getting into a top-10 school was likely not going to be in the cards for me.  Instead, I found an incredible program that also saved me at least $100,000.  Turns out the original goal I had might have fed my ego and starved my bank account.  Getting rejected and having to adjust my expectations for what my path would look like was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

4.  Am I taking care of myself?

Sometimes, I wasn’t.  Being in grad school and working in the service industry meant staying up very late, which I found was not working for me.  I was losing motivation, resenting my school work, and just not enjoying the process.  I found a service industry job with hours that allowed me to stay focused on school and self-care.  Changing jobs was not ideal in the middle of an already-stressful semester, but if I hadn’t done so, I might have ended up burning out before even beginning my career.

5.  What do I need to focus on now?

Like I said, I am obsessed with psychology.  During grad school, I often felt frustrated because I didn’t have the time to go to mental health conferences around the country or spend hours everyday recreationally browsing the latest research on dating apps.  Instead, I made a promise to myself that after graduation, I would spend time every week reading about the issues that were important to my clients.  For the rest of my school career, I focused on each assignment, one at a time.  I made a point to find the value in all of them, even if some didn’t seem directly related to the population I eventually wanted to work with.  I did something I often encourage my clients to do when facing disillusionment about how far away from their ultimate goal they currently are:  I embraced the “now.”  As a result, I not only learned a lot of really great technical information that I likely would not have looked up on my own, I also enjoyed learning it a lot more than I would have if I kept lamenting about not being able to do more self-directed tasks.

The truth is the bigger your dreams are, the more walls you will likely hit along the way.  These barriers are not reasons to quit!  Breaking down, going around, and jumping over the obstacles that come up along your path to success helps you build resilience and grit.  The more you overcome, the more confident you become in your ability to succeed despite whatever challenges life may throw at you next.

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3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks.  Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships.  Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris.  If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.

If only love were this easy.  It could be, if it weren’t for one secret ingredient shaking up the mix.  

Chemistry.

Chemistry is the energetic attraction between two people that no words, reason, or personality assessment can explain.  Chemistry is your brain on drugs.  Substance of choice: The Other Person.  When there is chemistry in a relationship, dopamine receptors are activated, causing a rush of strong emotions.  Lovers experience a euphoria that is often described as intoxicating and even addictive.

Chemistry can make or break your relationship.  In healthy relationships, chemistry can improve intimacy.  It also acts as a buffer, making the other person’s imperfections seem less unattractive.  If unchecked, chemistry can be blinding, potentially causing some to rush through the important trust-building stages of relationships and jump into high-stakes commitments, such as moving in together.  Chemistry can even cause some to overlook or downplay serious red flags, like controlling behavior.

Chemistry feels great.  And yet, we know that the best decisions are rarely made out of 100% emotion.  Understanding that there is chemistry in your relationship can help you put your feelings into perspective and inject them with a healthy dose of logic before making any major choices.

To find out if there is chemistry between you and your partner, look for the following signs:

You Think About Them...A Lot

When there’s chemistry in a relationship, thoughts about the other person can be difficult to turn off.  You may get distracted at work or have trouble sleeping as fantasies of your partner constantly lure you in.  Other people may notice that you talk about your relationship often.  It just feels so good!  

If thoughts about your partner are interfering with your ability to focus, try setting aside time during the day specifically for journaling about your relationship.  What are your hopes and dreams?  What do you like most about your partner?  What are some signs that the relationship is going well?  Getting your feelings out on paper will help clear some mental space for other important thoughts

You Desire Physical Intimacy

Ok, yes.  Since I know you all are wondering, I am talking about sex.  Chemistry can create intense feelings of sexual attraction, but that’s not all.

Chemistry is magnetic.  It pulls couples together through the desire to be close to one another.  If there is chemistry in your relationship, you and your partner may want to sit together closely on the couch, hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, lean in closely when you talk, and spend more time together than you do with other friends or family members.

Chemistry has a way of blurring boundary lines, so it is important to be as clear and explicit with them as possible.  Write down your limits when it comes to spending time with your partner versus with your friends.  List any physical boundaries that you have.  Then, communicate these expectations with your partner.  Remember, setting expectations doesn’t have to be weird.  You don’t necessarily need to have a formal, sit-down talk.  Holding your boundary might look like saying, “I have plans that day,” (even if your plans are with yourself) or “I don’t want to do that right now.”

Logic Fades

People in the early stages of relationships with high levels of chemistry often describe their behavior as completely outside of what’s normal for them.  They stay up all night texting.  They call off work to go on impromptu vacations.  They spend money on extravagant gifts.  Reason has left the chat, people.  It’s important that you know that.

It’s important because chemistry is like hot sauce.  Add it to the mix, and it spices things up.  Too much of it on its own, and it burns.  Chemistry has to be mixed with an equal amount of logic, or you risk ending up feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t align with your vision for yourself.  Whether you are already in a committed relationship or just taking your first steps into the arena of dating, spend some time alone writing down your goals for the following categories: romantic relationships, career, finances, physical health, mental health, spirituality, friendships, family, leisure/hobbies.  The more you know yourself, the better you can identify what you want in a long-term partner.

Having a relationship built upon mutual trust, values, beliefs, goals, and chemistry is well within your reach!  Chemistry can pique your interest in potential partners, and when harnessed, it can promote passionate and healthy relationships.  To learn more about balancing logic and chemistry to find satisfying relationships, go to https://www.elevatedlifecounseling.com/services or visit @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Going out to eat is supposed to be fun.  It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook.  For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing.  If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.

Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders.  Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance.  Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu.  This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.

Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients.  Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.

Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging.  Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming.  While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be.  To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:

Plan Ahead*

If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time.  Before doing this, take a few deep breaths.  Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?”  You may not know the answer to this question yet.  Just do the best you can.  Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.

You may also want to make an escape plan.  In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.

Eat Mindfully

It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing.  Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites.  Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating.  Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time.  Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!

Consider All Foods Equal

Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out.  When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out.  No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full.  It also knows how to balance out richness and density.  For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime.  Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.

Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders.  Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery.  To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.

Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary.  First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring.  The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.  For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.

Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay.  The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not.  Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.

Ignore Anxious Thoughts

Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are.  Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats.  Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.

Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant.  You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.

Replace Anxious Thoughts

Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up.  First, practice noticing your thoughts more often.  When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true.  For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”

Play Out the Worst Case Scenario

Anxiety loves the “What If” game.  “What if I spill my drink?”  “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.

Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s.  What if you are bored on the date?  Will you stay an hour?  A half-hour?  How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home?  When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions.  Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.

With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable.  Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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Too Much of a Good Dream

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Everybody has their vice.  For some, it’s plush covers and fluffy pillows.  Sleep, one of mental health’s most important ingredients, can be overdone like anything else.

Forbes revealed that Millennials sleep an average of 25 minutes longer per night than the average American.  Enough sleep (about 7 to 9 hours per night) can result in greater productivity, health benefits, and better cognitive performance.  Too much sleep can lead to serious risks.

According to the American Heart Association, women who spent two or more hours catching up on sleep, or “binge sleeping” during the weekend were likely to have poorer cardiovascular health than those who did not.  Instead, the Association advises keeping a regular schedule.  Go to sleep and wake up at the same times each day, and try not to change your sleeping habits too drastically on the weekends.

Positive mental health outcomes are also highly connected to sleep.  Oversleeping is both a symptom and a cause of anxiety and depression.  Too much sleeping results in lower productivity, causing anxiety that leads to lesser quality of sleep, so the cycle goes on.

Much like physicians, mental health experts typically recommend maintaining a sleep schedule.  When you form a routine, you tell your body what to expect everyday.  Waking up at 7am no longer feels excruciating, it feels normal.  Grogginess decreases, focus deepens, and not only quantity, but also quality of work improves.

If you’ve ever hit the snooze button one or six too many times in the morning, you know the impact it can have on your day.  Suddenly, everything feels rushed.  The day turns into a game of catch-up.  You go to sleep feeling exhausted and, on the really bad days, unaccomplished.

Sleep feels incredible, but one has to ask, is it worth it?  This is not a straightforward answer.  If you’re wondering if you oversleep or undersleep with intermittent binges to pay back your “sleep debt”, ask yourself these questions:

• What is your sleep schedule doing for you?

• What is it costing you?

• Which is most important to you?

If your bedtime is more like a guideline, you might really enjoy an extra hour awake at night and a few hits of the snooze button in the morning.  Maybe the cost is relatively low!  However, if you find you’re consistently running late, underperforming at work, or feeling rushed, oversleeping might be part of the problem.

Here’s how values play into this:  Spending an extra hour with a friend at night might be worth a groggy morning.  One more episode of a show you’ve seen ten times might not be worth missing a deadline.  Determining the cost of something requires understanding your values and priorities.

Waking up at a consistent time every morning relies on going to sleep at the same time every night.  To align your sleep schedule, first choose a bedtime that will typically allow you between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night.  Then, choose a wakeup time that makes the most sense for you within that 7 to 9 hour range.  

Next, plan necessary activities throughout your week, followed by optional ones.  Leave room for spontaneity and flexibility.  Rigidity is a quick killer of routines.  Give yourself permission to make cancellations when necessary for mental health reasons, sleep included.

Allow your body about three weeks to adjust, and then observe the outcomes.  A regular sleep schedule just might be your key to the next level.

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do?  If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared.  Maybe this has even happened to you in real life!  Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first.  Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.

Now, ask yourself this:  Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself?  This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.

In American society, education is valued.  Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities.  Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information.  In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.

Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first.  However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.

Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs.  The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.

No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on.  Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network.  Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself.  At some point, you have to jump.

Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising.  Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process.  Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most.  You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure.  Failure makes a great teacher.  It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off.  So why avoid it?

Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready.  Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way.  Start going to classes anyways.  Learn about what you like and don’t like.  Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera.  You can buy a new one later.  Stop waiting for everything to be perfect.  It never will be.  Instead, just start.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.

Making Dating Apps Work For You

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dating during COVID seems impossible.  Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night.  Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden.  Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.

Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table.  When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown.  Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019.  This year, it’s even hotter.

Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press.  Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages.  This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front.  Like a gamble, it could go either way.

Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date.  You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again.  When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time.  When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.

Choose the Right App

If you want love, you have to look in the right places.  A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs.  Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink.  Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.

Take Advantage of Settings

Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches.  Want someone who goes to church?  Done.  You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more.  Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.

Attract What You Want

If you are passionate about something, talk about it.  Post pictures that represent who you really are.  People with similar interests will notice.

Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online.  All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste.  If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment.  Stay committed.  A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.

In Defense of Caffeine

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular.  Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.  

Also intrigued by essential oils, alkaline water, and yoga, Millennials appear to be pursuing wellness with more fervor than past generations.  For many, caffeine intake is a concern due to its often debated impacts on physical and mental health.

No doubt, caffeine can have its consequences.  When overused, it can cause symptoms like insomnia and anxiety.  Caffeine can also have addictive properties similar to those of less socially-accepted drugs.  Heavy coffee drinkers can experience withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, depression, strong cravings, and irritability after skipping only one morning of java.  Caffeine also has a tolerance-building effect, much like alcohol, which requires users to consume more in order to feel its desired effects.

The unpleasant side-effects of too much caffeine can seem scary, causing some to avoid it altogether.  According to a report by the American Psychological Association, however, when used in moderation, caffeine actually may contribute to desirable mental health outcomes.

One study cited in the report found after following over 50,000 nurses for almost 25 years that those who drank at least four cups of coffee per day were 20 percent less likely to experience depression than those who drank little to no coffee.  Similarly, a study of 43,000 men determined that drinking 2 to 3 cups of joe per day is correlated with a 50 percent reduced risk of suicide.  Caffeine is also associated with cognitive benefits such as alertness, increased memory ability, and quicker reaction times.

A 2017 Harvard Medical School report cited studies declaring that 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of physical health conditions including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson’s disease, cirrhosis, and gout.  While dated research indicated that coffee might cause certain types of cancer, these claims have since been refuted, causing the World Health Organization to remove coffee from its list of potentially carcinogenic foods in 2016.  In fact, newer research suggests that coffee might actually reduce the risk of certain types of cancer and increase one’s lifespan by up to 15%.

This is great news to those who enjoy a hit- or four- of daily caffeine, but is it reason enough to give into every craving?  According to the Food and Drug Administration, a daily consumption of 400 milligrams of caffeine or less is considered safe.  This equates to about 3 or 4 cups of home-brewed coffee or one venti Starbucks brewed coffee.  Any more, and you’re at risk of experiencing side effects and even entering the “Caffeine Use Disorder” zone, made note of in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) and trademarked by unsuccessful efforts to reduce consumption, use despite harm, and withdrawal.

While moderate caffeine consumption has been deemed permissible and even beneficial, those who don’t currently partake need not begin.  Caffeine is not a requirement for an alert and healthy life.  A regular sleep schedule, hydration, and consistent intake of nutrients through food are sufficient to achieve the same results as those of a caramel macchiato.

Current coffee connoisseurs, rest assured that you can continue to imbibe without guilt.  Use good judgment by noticing how your body reacts to each serving of caffeine, and pour out the pot when you think you’ve hit your limit.  Practice moderation, drink mindfully, and as always, enjoy life’s simple pleasures, lattes included.

Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.