3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

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The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

You know that old saying, “They always come back”?  Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere.  In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex.  And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.

Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes, they’re bored.  Sometimes, they’re lonely.  If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past.  Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.

Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:

Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect.  Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge.  If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.

Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt.  Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back.  Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.

Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting.  Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business.  Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.

Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody.  There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately.  In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.

Ask Yourself These Questions

What am I feeling?

The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions.  It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling.  Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them.  You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.

How are my emotions influencing my decision?

Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10.  Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response.  If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix.  If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences.  Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.

How will responding impact me emotionally?

Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back.  How about an hour after?  How about next week?  In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness.  In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.

Takeaways

Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting.  Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight.  Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point.  When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.

You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.