You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

Beginner's Guide to Therapy

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

So you’re thinking about talking to someone.  Great!  Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while and now all the crap that 2020 has had to offer has pushed you to take the step.  You’re feeling ready (or at least willing) to start the journey and work on things that might have been piling up for years.  If this is you, I commend you for your courage.

Understandably, you might have some nerves going through this process.  It’s not every day that you talk to a complete stranger about some of the most painful parts of your life.  Here are some things to keep in mind if you are starting or returning to therapy.

Determine what you want to get out of it

One misconception about therapy is that you’ll be doing it for life once you start.  While some clients love self-reflection, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.  Determine what you want to get out of your therapy experience.  If you are entering therapy because you enjoy learning more about yourself, even if it’s painful, then therapy may become a form of self-care that you do every week for years.  On the other hand, if you would like extra support for something that is currently stressing you out, be open with your therapist about that.  Don’t feel like you have to keep digging just for the sake of digging.  It is completely up to you.

The right fit matters

Though it can be time consuming at first, finding the right therapist is important and can save you many hours in the long run.  Some clients prefer to shop around a bit before settling on one therapist.  The right fit matters because when things get tough in the therapy room you need to trust that your therapist knows you well enough to know when to push you and when to back off.  When you are being pushed you know it’s because your therapist cares. You can tell there is a good fit when you feel comfortable enough talking about difficult topics.  If you don’t jive with your therapist, it can often feel like a waste of an hour each week.  Spend the time at the beginning ensuring that you like your therapist and feel they understand you.  

Allow time to build the relationship

Once you’ve found a good fit, give the process time for the relationship to build.  Like any other relationship, a therapeutic relationship takes time to fortify.  I typically experience a change in the closeness of my therapeutic bonds with clients after about 8 sessions.  It’s not that good work can’t happen before 8 sessions, but usually by then you both have a feel for each other and you may be willing to take more risks.  Speaking of taking risks...

Take risks...but at the pace you’re comfortable with

The risks you take will be determined by what you are working on in therapy.  For some, it might look like showing up to a session without a mental list of things to tell your therapist, and instead seeing how the session unfolds without a roadmap.  It might be being honest with certain thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you’ve been experiencing.  It might look like advocating for what you need in the therapy room.  Whatever taking risks look like to you, it’s worth pushing yourself to take them in the service of growth.  However, there is no need to push yourself so hard that you dread going to therapy each week.  If you’re finding that progress is fairly consistent, chances are you are taking appropriate risks within the work.

The initial relief you feel doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “cured”

It usually takes people several months of thinking about going to therapy before they actually make their first appointment.  Within those several months, stress piles up and so it’s natural to feel immediate relief when you begin to talk through the stress with a professional.  After a few sessions some people begin to feel so much better that they think they don’t need therapy anymore.  

There are a couple things to think about here.  The first is that simply talking about stress feels good in the moment, but it might not actually change your reaction to stress in the long run.  You’ll want to stay in therapy long enough to get the tools to manage that stress in the future.  The second thing to consider is that life might be working better because you have that hour a week to yourself for therapy.  In the same way that we need consistent exercise for our bodies to function well, you may need consistent reflection for your mental health to function well.  This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to be in therapy forever, but it may be an indication that you’ll want to incorporate some form of personal development into your weekly routine.

Though starting therapy may be slightly scary at first, it’s often worth it.  Stop hesitating and start prioritizing your mental and emotional health.

Resources:

Psychology Today and Zencare list professionals in your area, their specialties, and their rates.  Don’t have insurance and can’t pay a full fee? Check out Open Path Collective where you’ll see a list of therapists offering a sliding scale.  Or contact Mary Claire Schibelka or Erinn Williams here at ELC for a phone consultation.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

Why Crushing is the Best

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” 

J. M. Barrie

Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone.  Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you.  Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.

When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers.  Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive.  It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.

You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal.  Surely, you’d sing in the car together.  They don’t seem like the type to cheat.  And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.

The possibilities are endless!  Imagine the places you could go together.  The movies you could snuggle up and watch.  The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet.  It’s just delicious fantasy.

Crushing is valuable.  While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship.  Why this person?  What is going to be different about this relationship?  What are you attracted to?  What are you hoping for?  These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.

This leads to the next question.  What if they don’t like you?  Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion.  How do you handle that?  What’s it like?  What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?

These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them.  After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter.  That’s what makes crushing so great.  Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love.  Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.

Crushing is unpredictable.  There’s no telling how it will really turn out.  Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide.  You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences.  Stay curious about both.  When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values.  What would you do if you were your best self?

Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person.  Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners.  Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table.  Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational.  And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

Tending to Pain in Others and Yourself

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Emotional wounds, or deep-seated psychological and emotional pain, can develop in a number of ways.  Some wounds happen immediately, such as after witnessing the death of a friend.  Others develop over time as a result of repeated experiences like parental neglect, unhealthy relationships, and systemic racism.  

Emotional wounds impact the way we perceive and interact with the world around us, yet they can often go undetected, even by ourselves.  Internalizing and externalizing behaviors often show up as a result of emotional pain but to the untrained eye can often be excused as personality traits like shyness or aggression.  Instead of dismissing or shaming ourselves and others, we can learn to recognize the following four symptoms as alarm bells signaling the existence of pain and the need for healing.

Resentment

Imagine you have plans to meet a friend for coffee at 4pm.  It’s 3:45, and she texts you saying she’s going to be late because she’s stuck in traffic.  Immediately, the boiling feeling of anger washes over you and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how to plan effectively, does she?  How immature.”  That’s resentment.

While resentment may easily be mistaken for a bad attitude, it could be a sign of pain below the surface.  When examined more closely, anger about a friend being late to a get-together might be related to feelings of loneliness caused by your mother being late to pick you up from school each day, or maybe you were repeatedly shamed for being late as a child, causing you a great deal of embarrassment.

Retreat

While alone-time can be a great way to recharge, especially for introverts, ongoing social withdrawal is a telltale sign of depression and can also be associated with anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and addiction.  Next time you feel like cancelling plans or turning down an invite, ask yourself why.  If you notice friends beginning to retreat, get curious about their reasons.  They could be struggling emotionally.  Also, remember that it is often painful and possibly even retraumatizing for people from marginalized groups to be in spaces where nobody else shares a similar identity.

Lashing Out

When we experience trauma, our brains enter fight, flight, or freeze mode.  Repeated trauma can cause our brains and bodies to get “stuck” in fight mode, therefore causing verbal and physical combativeness as a form of self-protection.  What one might perceive as a relatively small or insignificant event can trigger a trauma response, therefore resulting in what can seem like a disproportionate reaction.  For instance, a person who lost a friend in a car accident might exhibit an explosive amount of road rage after being cut off by another driver on the highway.

Demands

To an emotionally wounded person, making demands can seem like the only way to achieve a desired outcome.  In certain situations, this is healthy and necessary, such as when an oppressed group of people demands justice and fair treatment.  At other times, making demands can be harmful.  For instance, if you were cheated on in a past relationship, demanding that your partner let you go through his or her phone will likely cause trouble without doing much to resolve past hurts.  Either way, demands are often responses to emotional pain and fear of further suffering.

Caring for Emotional Wounds

Like physical wounds, emotional wounds tend to heal over time when properly treated.  When left unrecognized, they can fester, resulting in broken relationships and continuation or deepening of pain.  Talking about emotional wounds can be difficult, and ignoring our pain can be a seductive alternative, but like physical wounds, the only way to heal an emotional wound is to notice it, ask for help, and clean it out.

Although it can feel scary, asking friends how they are doing if you’ve noticed the behaviors above might be exactly what they need.  Having someone see their struggles can feel like a huge relief and lift the burden of them having to come to you.  Like when you make yourself available for a friend, naming your own pain is a way to give yourself compassion and practice self-care.  If you are struggling with difficult emotions, get curious about them.  Ask yourself where they might be coming from and if there is an even deeper root to them.

Often, when someone is facing painful emotions, advice and reassurance are not as helpful as the simple act of listening.  If you are seeking to be an ally or support somebody going through a difficult time, refrain from giving your opinion or offering solutions.  Instead, listen with compassion and express a genuine interest in learning more about the other person’s experience.  If you are the person in pain, allow others to hear you, even if they don’t have all the right answers.  A burden feels lighter when you aren’t carrying it alone.

There are certain situations in which action is necessary.  Some examples include dismantling systemic racism and getting out of an abusive relationship.  After allowing friends to share their experiences with you, ask them what you are able to do to help.  When working to heal your own emotional wounds, ask yourself what action steps you need to take and what friends and other people you trust can do to support you.

The Power of Time

Many emotional wounds were not developed in a day, and likewise, they will take time to heal.  As you venture down the path of healing your own emotional wounds or supporting friends as they navigate their own, practice patience and compassion.  Manage your expectations of the healing process by acknowledging that healing is not linear.  Go easy on yourself and others when imperfections arise.  Most importantly, celebrate the small victories, believing that eventually, they will amount to progress much greater than you ever thought possible.

13 Tips for Watching 13 Reasons Why

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

On Friday, June 5, Netflix will air its fourth and final season of hit show 13 Reasons Why.  Previous seasons of the show have attracted millions of viewers, but critics worry that the implications of viewing the series could be dangerous.

13 Reasons Why aired its first season in 2017, focusing on the fictional story of Hannah Baker, a 17-year old high school student who committed suicide, leaving behind 13 cassette tapes, each calling out a different person and his or her contribution to her decision.  Not only has the series been criticized for romanticizing suicide, it has also been called out for depicting topics that young viewers might not be equipped to handle, such as sexual assault, bullying, gun violence, and substance abuse.  One study showed an increase in youth suicides after the release of the first season, thus leading to Netflix’s decision to remove a graphic scene of the main character’s suicide.

Regardless of its opposition, the show has since released two more seasons, with the third arriving in a little over a week.  If Season 4 is anything like the last three, viewers are likely to witness more difficult and perhaps even disturbing content.  There are ways, however, to watch the show, learn from it, and protect your mental health while doing so.  If you’re a fan who’s planning on partaking, check out the following 13 tips for a safe and enjoyable viewing experience:

1. Don’t Ignore the Warnings

After receiving backlash, Netflix began including brief videos before the first episodes of Seasons 2 and 3 during which cast members speak directly to the audience, advising them against watching if they are currently struggling with any of the issues depicted in the show.  Heed these warnings to avoid feeling overwhelmed by content that hits too close to home.

2. Watch It With Someone Else

Whether it’s in person or on FaceTime, watch the show with a friend to prevent feeling isolated.  It can seriously help to have another person to chat or “oh my gosh” with during uncomfortable scenes.

3. Leave the Lights On

Watching TV in the dark creates a cinematic experience.  But when watching a show that focuses on such heavy topics, leaving the lights on can help you stay grounded and less wrapped up in the emotions of the characters.

4. Chunk It

Binge watching is tempting, especially during quarantine.  But 13 straight hours of somber?  That’s enough to suck the soul out of anybody.  Allow yourself the excitement of suspense by spacing out the episodes over at least a few days.

5. Go Outside

Between episodes, take breaks to go outside and remind yourself that unlike in the forever-overcast town of Crestmont, the sun still shines and all is not lost.

6. Watch the Interviews

It’s hard to believe that Jessica Davis’s real name isn’t Jessica Davis.  The 13 Reasons Why actors are convincing, and it can make the show seem so real.  Watching interviews of cast members like Alisha Boe (the real Jessica Davis), might help put some mental separation between you and the emotions of the characters.

7. If You’re Already Having a Bad Day, Watch Something Else

Take my word for it on this one.  This is not the show that’s gonna lift you out of your funk.

8. Eat, Drink Water, Sleep, and Shower

All these things are part of a healthy self-care routine.  The urge to watch “just one more episode” before eating lunch or going to sleep is real, but forgoing these things for the sake of seeing what happens to Clay Jensen just isn’t worth it.  All it does is make you more susceptible to being negatively affected by the show.

9. Skip Upsetting Scenes

If you’re a fan of the series but are worried about scenes that might be a bit too intense, ask a friend who watches Season 4 before you to take note of any parts containing the type of content you want to avoid.  Then, hit fast forward during those parts and ask that friend to fill you in, minus the details.

10. Grab Your Pets

Companion animals have been linked with all kinds of emotional benefits including reduced anxiety and depression.  Turn your cat or dog into a fan of 13 Reasons Why by snuggling them while you watch.

11. Create an Alternate Ending

I don’t know the show’s ending.  But if for some reason, it doesn’t seem right to you, or if there was an issue in one of the episodes that you feel wasn’t handled appropriately, write down what could’ve happened instead.  What could the producers have done differently to make the show more helpful and socially responsible?

12. Utilize the Resources

The show’s official website, 13reasonswhy.info, offers a number of resources including links to various mental health organizations’ websites, crisis hotline numbers for 58 countries, a discussion guide, and short videos explaining how to handle real issues like suspected violence, friends who are depressed, and consent.  Familiarize yourself with the site and take advantage of its offerings if you think they could be helpful.

13.  Talk About It

13 Reasons Why has the potential to be highly impactful if watched and processed with intention.  Take the time to talk about feelings and opinions that arise while you watch.  Make sure you’re talking with someone you feel emotionally safe with, such as a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.  Talking prevents tough feelings from festering, and it’s also the first step to healing.

The decision of whether or not to watch 13 Reasons Why is personal, and it should not be informed solely by others’ opinions, negative or positive.  If you choose to watch, pay attention to the sometimes subtle messages your body sends you, such as thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (like your gut feeling).  Regardless of how far in you are, remember that you can always decide to switch off the TV if it becomes too much.  After all, you can always read the spoilers.