How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Quality time. Physical touch. Words of affirmation. Gifts. Acts of service. Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak. Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners. Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship. Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.
Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want? Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work? If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place. I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired. Keep reading to find out.
Give Examples
Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you. I mean something you had no idea how to do. You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions. If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.). Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.
Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot
It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen. This is true, partly. It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them. However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away. Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language. For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.
Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement
Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them. Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.” Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language. Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.
Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is. Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it. What are some specific ways your partner can show you love? Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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Every Single’s Guide to Thriving During the 2020 Holidays
I think we’re all aware that being single during the holidays can be tough. You know how it is. Seasonal rom coms start clogging up your Netflix recommendations. Matching pajamas on Instagram. All that stuff that’s fun and cute unless you’re the one not doing it. Even if you love being single, Aunt Karen with the questions about why you’re still single can get pretty annoying this time of year.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
I’ve got a quiz for you! Which of the following statements most accurately summarizes your feelings about being single during the holidays?
Love it! Fewer gifts to buy.
I’m a bit lonely, nothing too serious.
Annoyed. If I see another diamond commercial on Hulu, I’ll scream.
I have decided not to leave the house until March.
I think we’re all aware that being single during the holidays can be tough. You know how it is. Seasonal rom coms start clogging up your Netflix recommendations. Matching pajamas on Instagram. All that stuff that’s fun and cute unless you’re the one not doing it. Even if you answered “A” and love being single, Aunt Karen with the questions about why you’re still single can get pretty annoying this time of year.
It’s normal to experience loneliness or sadness around the holidays whether you’re single or not. Sometimes being single, though, can amplify these feelings. According to the Girlboss article, “How To Cope When The Holiday Blues Creep In,” these feelings can be attributed to stress, high expectations, and increased media focus on love and relationships during the holiday season. Use these tips to fight relationship FOMO, continue your journey of self-growth, and live your most satisfying life during the 2020 holidays.
Start a Gratitude Journal
Sometimes during singleness, it feels really easy to focus on everything that you’re missing out on. This year, start a list of everything you do have. Focus specifically on experiences you’re thankful for that wouldn’t be possible if you were in a relationship. The more you list, the more you’ll start to notice the beauty of this time in your life.
Go Back To Your Values
So much of my work involves helping clients identify and live according to their values. Why? Because values are your roadmap to a deep sense of joy. You will never be happy 100% of the time, but as long as you act in accordance with your values, you will create a life of meaningful and fulfilling experiences, and you will grow into a person you love. Complete this worksheet by Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, to learn about your values. Then, make a list of all the values-guided activities you can do this holiday season.
Give Back
Change your perspective on life this year by improving someone else’s. Volunteering to help others reduces your focus on your own problems. It also feels really good to know you’re bettering someone else’s holiday experience, even if you’re not completely happy about your own. Chicago dwellers, check out this Thrillist article to find local volunteer opportunities according to your skillset.
Invest in Yourself
This holiday season, take the money you would have spent on gifts for a significant other and put it towards something you’ve always wanted to do for yourself. Maybe you’ve been thinking about taking an online course or buying a new camera to start your YouTube channel. No matter what is, now is a great time to take the next step towards that goal you’ve had waiting for you on the back burner.
Being single during the holidays isn’t always easy, but it can be a time of deep contentment, gratitude, and development. What’s your favorite winter holiday? Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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Vulnerability and The Bachelorette: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Too Soon?
If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods. The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another. Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school. Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him. The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods. The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another. Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school. Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him. The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.
At the age of 39, Clare has made it clear that she is not here to mess around. Before the season began, Clare stated that she is looking for a man who can let his guard down and be open about his feelings, and by the looks of this Season so far, she isn’t wasting any time. Clare brings vulnerability to the forefront of both episodes so far, not only during her date with Jason, but also by regularly sharing her emotions and insecurities with the rest of the contestants. The Bachelorette doesn’t claim to be realistic, and most wouldn’t consider it a reputable form of dating advice. However, after watching the emotional exchanges between Clare and her suitors over the past two weeks, I feel pretty safe assuming that viewers also in search of love are starting to ask themselves, “Should I be doing this?”
What is Vulnerability?
In order to talk about vulnerability, we must first define what it is. Brene Brown, the emotional guru whose Ted Talk on vulnerability boasts over 50 million views, defines vulnerability according to its three key elements: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. When you open up to another person, or expose your emotions, you have no sure way of knowing how they will respond. The interaction could deepen your connection, or the other person could judge you, share your secrets with others, or even leave. Vulnerability is the key to intimate relationships with others because it allows you to be truly seen. So does this mean that you should be vulnerable with everybody? And is there ever such a thing as too much?
Different Levels of Vulnerability
I get the sense that when many people hear the word “vulnerability,” they imagine conversations about their deepest, darkest emotions, followed by a lot of crying, hugging, and gazing into each other’s eyes. Vulnerability can include any of these things, but it doesn’t have to. Remember, vulnerability means three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
Here are some examples of vulnerability at different levels of intensity:
Telling your partner the truth when they ask if you had a good day at work
Sharing a happy memory with your partner
Telling your partner how you feel when they do something that bothers you (show up late to dinner, keep an ex as a friend on social media, etc.)
Letting your partner know you have feelings for them
Giving your honest opinion about something, ranging anywhere from a restaurant you tried to politics or religion
Sharing a sexual fantasy
Crying in front of your partner during a sad movie
Telling your partner what you’re looking for in a relationship
Pointing out your favorite qualities about your partner
Letting your partner see you connect with others, such as your family, friends, or even your pet
Vulnerability exists on a spectrum. Some acts of vulnerability feel like dipping your toe in the pool, while others might remind you more of jumping off the high-dive.
Risks of Vulnerability
Opening up to others can be scary, and rightfully so! As we go through life, we encounter a wide variety of people, all from different backgrounds and with differing levels of emotional intelligence. Not all of them are willing or even capable of handling others’ emotions with care. Getting vulnerable with the wrong person could lead to the following outcomes:
You receive an invalidating response (“That doesn’t sound that bad.”)
Your weaknesses get used against you (“I’m not cheating, you’re just insecure.”)
Your secret gets out
You get rejected
You get tuned out (the other person becomes uncomfortable and ignores you or changes the subject)
Yes, vulnerability, by definition, is risky, and while it’s becoming more and more acceptable and even encouraged in today’s society, it is certainly not something to take lightly.
So How Do I Know What to Share and When?
This one is completely up to you. We know that vulnerability strengthens relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops at once. A good rule of thumb is to base your level of vulnerability on the amount of trust in a relationship. For example, if you’re on your first date with someone, you probably don’t have enough information to determine whether or not it’s safe to let your guard down with them. Sorry, Clare.
To learn whether or not you can trust someone with heavier stories or deeper-level emotions, try disclosing a few less-vulnerable pieces of information first. Notice how the other person reacts if they ask about your day, and you tell them that it was actually a bit stressful. Test them out with a lighthearted story about your family, and see if they appear open to learning more about you. Pay attention to the way they talk about themselves, too. If you’ve been on multiple dates, and your partner still isn’t telling you anything about their family, obstacles they’ve overcome in the past, or their feelings or opinions on important topics, you might reconsider letting them into your own inner world.
Vulnerability is the secret ingredient to healthy, supportive relationships. The right amount at the right time can propel your relationship into deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and connectedness. Too much vulnerability too soon, however, can be uncomfortable and even lead to painful experiences that take a toll on your self-esteem.
I love The Bachelorette, and I think the show can spark great conversations about chemistry and compatibility. But when it comes to good examples for healthy dating practices, this Season might not be the most reliable source. Some things are just better off as entertainment.
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3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters
Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks. Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships. Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris. If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks. Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships. Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris. If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.
If only love were this easy. It could be, if it weren’t for one secret ingredient shaking up the mix.
Chemistry.
Chemistry is the energetic attraction between two people that no words, reason, or personality assessment can explain. Chemistry is your brain on drugs. Substance of choice: The Other Person. When there is chemistry in a relationship, dopamine receptors are activated, causing a rush of strong emotions. Lovers experience a euphoria that is often described as intoxicating and even addictive.
Chemistry can make or break your relationship. In healthy relationships, chemistry can improve intimacy. It also acts as a buffer, making the other person’s imperfections seem less unattractive. If unchecked, chemistry can be blinding, potentially causing some to rush through the important trust-building stages of relationships and jump into high-stakes commitments, such as moving in together. Chemistry can even cause some to overlook or downplay serious red flags, like controlling behavior.
Chemistry feels great. And yet, we know that the best decisions are rarely made out of 100% emotion. Understanding that there is chemistry in your relationship can help you put your feelings into perspective and inject them with a healthy dose of logic before making any major choices.
To find out if there is chemistry between you and your partner, look for the following signs:
You Think About Them...A Lot
When there’s chemistry in a relationship, thoughts about the other person can be difficult to turn off. You may get distracted at work or have trouble sleeping as fantasies of your partner constantly lure you in. Other people may notice that you talk about your relationship often. It just feels so good!
If thoughts about your partner are interfering with your ability to focus, try setting aside time during the day specifically for journaling about your relationship. What are your hopes and dreams? What do you like most about your partner? What are some signs that the relationship is going well? Getting your feelings out on paper will help clear some mental space for other important thoughts
You Desire Physical Intimacy
Ok, yes. Since I know you all are wondering, I am talking about sex. Chemistry can create intense feelings of sexual attraction, but that’s not all.
Chemistry is magnetic. It pulls couples together through the desire to be close to one another. If there is chemistry in your relationship, you and your partner may want to sit together closely on the couch, hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, lean in closely when you talk, and spend more time together than you do with other friends or family members.
Chemistry has a way of blurring boundary lines, so it is important to be as clear and explicit with them as possible. Write down your limits when it comes to spending time with your partner versus with your friends. List any physical boundaries that you have. Then, communicate these expectations with your partner. Remember, setting expectations doesn’t have to be weird. You don’t necessarily need to have a formal, sit-down talk. Holding your boundary might look like saying, “I have plans that day,” (even if your plans are with yourself) or “I don’t want to do that right now.”
Logic Fades
People in the early stages of relationships with high levels of chemistry often describe their behavior as completely outside of what’s normal for them. They stay up all night texting. They call off work to go on impromptu vacations. They spend money on extravagant gifts. Reason has left the chat, people. It’s important that you know that.
It’s important because chemistry is like hot sauce. Add it to the mix, and it spices things up. Too much of it on its own, and it burns. Chemistry has to be mixed with an equal amount of logic, or you risk ending up feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t align with your vision for yourself. Whether you are already in a committed relationship or just taking your first steps into the arena of dating, spend some time alone writing down your goals for the following categories: romantic relationships, career, finances, physical health, mental health, spirituality, friendships, family, leisure/hobbies. The more you know yourself, the better you can identify what you want in a long-term partner.
Having a relationship built upon mutual trust, values, beliefs, goals, and chemistry is well within your reach! Chemistry can pique your interest in potential partners, and when harnessed, it can promote passionate and healthy relationships. To learn more about balancing logic and chemistry to find satisfying relationships, go to https://www.elevatedlifecounseling.com/services or visit @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.
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Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder
Going out to eat is supposed to be fun. It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook. For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing. If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Going out to eat is supposed to be fun. It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook. For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing. If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.
Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders. Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance. Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu. This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.
Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients. Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.
Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging. Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming. While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be. To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:
Plan Ahead*
If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time. Before doing this, take a few deep breaths. Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?” You may not know the answer to this question yet. Just do the best you can. Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.
You may also want to make an escape plan. In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air. Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.
Eat Mindfully
It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing. Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites. Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating. Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time. Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!
Consider All Foods Equal
Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out. When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out. No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full. It also knows how to balance out richness and density. For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime. Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.
Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders. Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery. To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.
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Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
Many also reach out because although they may not always want to discuss topics that are particularly spiritual, they find it easier to talk about their lives with someone who already speaks their language. For example, telling your therapist you went out with your Small Group, can be cumbersome if you have to pause and explain what a Small Group is. Especially if you say something like, “So after the service, my Small Group and I went to the worship leader’s house for fellowship.” Sometimes, it’s just easier to work with someone who has the right background knowledge.
Before taking on anyone new, I always explain my limitations. I am not a pastor. I haven’t been to theology school. I have a master’s degree in counseling, and while I can help you process what you believe, I do not have the knowledge to give advice or clarification on scripture. I have no authority to tell you what is right or wrong, nor do I have the ethical ability to.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, my superpower is different. I can help you untangle all of the thoughts, emotions, values, behaviors, and beliefs that impact your spiritual health. I can help you understand your faith journey and its relationship with your mental health. I can help you dissect problems and find practical solutions that align with your unique values. I can offer you non-judgmental emotional support as you go through all of life’s struggles and make complicated decisions. If you’re looking for spiritual direction, I can help you find a theological professional who can offer additional support where my area of expertise ends.
Faith-based counseling sessions are safe, confidential spaces where clients can talk about anything. Some popular topics discussed in Christian counseling include:
Dating: identifying your needs, values in dating, breakups, dating apps, marriage
Sex: boundaries, building intimacy, sexual shame, sex drive, sexual orientation
Work: stress, burnout, serving, passion, purpose, success
Leisure: work-life balance, building community, social media
Trauma: shame, abuse, family of origin issues
Clients who seek faith-based counseling can talk about spirituality as much or as little as they please during sessions. There is no minimum requirement. Faith could be the center of your life or something on the back burner. Counselors will meet you where you are. If you’re interested in more information about faith-based counseling, reach out to maryclaire@elevatedlifecounseling.com. All are welcome.
Making Dating Apps Work For You
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Dating during COVID seems impossible. Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night. Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden. Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.
Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table. When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown. Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019. This year, it’s even hotter.
Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press. Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages. This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front. Like a gamble, it could go either way.
Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date. You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again. When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time. When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.
Choose the Right App
If you want love, you have to look in the right places. A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs. Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink. Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.
Take Advantage of Settings
Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches. Want someone who goes to church? Done. You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more. Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.
Attract What You Want
If you are passionate about something, talk about it. Post pictures that represent who you really are. People with similar interests will notice.
Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online. All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste. If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment. Stay committed. A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.
Why Crushing is the Best
Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone. Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you. Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.”
J. M. Barrie
Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone. Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you. Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.
When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers. Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive. It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.
You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal. Surely, you’d sing in the car together. They don’t seem like the type to cheat. And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.
The possibilities are endless! Imagine the places you could go together. The movies you could snuggle up and watch. The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet. It’s just delicious fantasy.
Crushing is valuable. While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship. Why this person? What is going to be different about this relationship? What are you attracted to? What are you hoping for? These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.
This leads to the next question. What if they don’t like you? Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion. How do you handle that? What’s it like? What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?
These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them. After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter. That’s what makes crushing so great. Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love. Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.
Crushing is unpredictable. There’s no telling how it will really turn out. Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide. You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences. Stay curious about both. When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values. What would you do if you were your best self?
Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person. Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners. Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table. Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational. And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.