Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.

Is Social Media Ruining your Social Distancing Experience?

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Social media:  good or evil? The battle is nothing new.  What is new is that now, for the first time, users are engaging in social media while practicing social distancing, away from the outside world.

During this unprecedented time, one could argue that social media is more important than ever.  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat connect us to friends and family members that we might otherwise be separated from.  Coronavirus memes help us use humor to cope with a troubling situation. Online discussions about our hobbies, interests, the latest TV shows (Tiger King, anyone?) remind us that although we are apart, we still have so much in common.  

Professionals and even celebrities have also been using social media in creative and helpful ways.  Artists, such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, John Legend, and Billie Eilsih, have used Instagram to perform live streams and connect with their fans.  Likewise, yoga teachers, counselors, dieticians, and doctors hold classes and workshops, via social media, to help followers stay physically and mentally healthy during quarantine. In a world where we’ve been advised to stay in our respective homes, social media gives us an avenue to remain together in spirit and access resources that can be incredibly useful.

While the positive aspects of social media during this time are undeniable, like anything, it can be harmful in excess- especially now.  Social media has a way of keeping us engaged. Most of us are familiar with the experience of innocently logging into Facebook to check our messages and finding ourselves, an hour later, watching videos of puppies or clicking through pictures of somebody we haven’t seen in ten years.  This can feel like a waste of time at best, and at worst, cause us to procrastinate important tasks. Couple perceived wasted time with the seemingly-endless posts you’re likely to come across about “staying productive” during quarantine, and you’ve fixed yourself a dangerous cocktail of possible self-criticism and even shame.

It’s no secret that social media can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.  Anytime we peer into the lives of others, we risk the possibility of unhealthy comparisons.  Now, however, we are viewing social media in the absence of exposure to the real world. We have lost the majority of our opportunities to go outside and see what the average person looks like.  Instead, we see more carefully-selected, and often Photoshopped or Face Tuned, photographs taken from flattering angles. Friends haven’t stopped Snapchatting pictures of their Quarantine Cuties, but now, singles no longer have the ability to go to social gatherings in the hope of meeting their own special someone.  Because of the Coronavirus, our worlds have all grown smaller, and if used without caution, social media can make it easier than ever for our perceptions of ourselves to become negatively skewed.

Am I suggesting that everybody give up social media for the rest of the quarantine?  No. I am not. Instead, I encourage you to practice mindfulness around your usage. If you are noticing increased anxiety, depression, or negative self-talk after spending time on social media, consider limiting how much time you spend online per day.  Reduce your temptation to constantly log on by turning off your notifications. Unfollow accounts that lead you to comparison, as well as those that spike your anxiety (many people report heightened anxiety after seeing social media posts about the Coronavirus, itself).  Also, consider the content that you are posting. If you find yourself posting selfies in hopes of accumulating likes to increase your self-esteem, you might actually be worsening it. Now might also be a time to question the helpfulness of controversial posts that frequently lead to online arguments.

Most importantly, check in with yourself.  Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations while using social media.  Trust yourself. If you experience self-bullying, feelings of hopelessness, tightness in your chest, or similar experiences, it may be time to rethink whether or not social media is serving you at this time.

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)

Asking for Help: Taking a Mental Trust Fall

I watched helplessly as the flood waters rose.  Panicking, my husband and I tried to barricade certain areas of our apartment with anything absorbent.  Towels. Old clothes. Spare bed sheets. We tried to bail out as much water as we could, which was really only effective in reducing the helplessness we felt versus actually making an impact on the rising water.

If you live in the Midwest you know about the torrential downpours that appear out of nowhere, dumping down on everything in sight.  It happens a handful of times a year and if you don’t actually get caught in one of these storms they can be pretty cool to watch. On this night, however, it was pure hell and high water.

The hours ticked by into the early morning as we dealt with the clean up, but we knew that there was going to be damage to our home.  The next 48 hours were spent in some denial of the amount of damage until we got the news that the hardwood floors needed to be ripped up and about 2 feet of drywall around our apartment needed to be cut out to avoid any mold forming.  This meant that we were out of a home for the foreseeable future...Crap!

This was the time to call on my support system, both for emotional support and physical...because we needed somewhere to live for the month.  This is a topic that gets brought up a lot in the therapy room: support systems. What are they? When do I need to use them? How do I form one?  And probably the most difficult part: When I need it, how do I ask for help?

In my case, my husband is the biggest support I have and I’m lucky to have someone I feel comfortable with asking for help.  However, when we are both going through a shit storm we rely on our friends to be there for us. This is often a very vulnerable experience for me.  It’s one thing to ask for a listening ear to air some extra stress, it’s much bigger to ask for a temporary home for a month.

One of my friends put it best: Asking for help is like a mental trust fall. You feel fairly certain that people will be there to catch you, but right before you ask comes the worry. Will they be available? Am I asking too much?  Will they just begrudgingly say yes? 

Setting up a good support system takes time because of how trust is formed.  We form trust by sharing bits about ourselves and seeing how people take it in.  If it goes well, we share more. Once enough trust is formed we can begin to ask for small things of our supporters and increase those asks over time.  Remember: in any relationship give and take is a must, so make sure you’re also available to show up for those in your life when they ask something of you. 

When you ask for help, be yourself.  It’s okay to show your nerves and awkwardness (like me) when you explain the situation.  It’s best to be genuine. Express how you’re feeling, whether it’s wishing you didn’t have to ask, or being grateful to have people in your lives to ask in the first place.  Be direct instead of beating around the bush. Don’t hint at what you need. If you just need to be heard, ask for it. If you need a place to stay for a month, ask for it. And of course, express all of your appreciation for their support.

As I deal with the aftermath of this flood, I realize that I know people are there to support me and my husband.  Even though I know that, it hasn’t made it any easier to actually ask for the help we need. It really is like standing with your back toward a group of people and falling, hoping that they will catch you.  I’m grateful that so far, that has been the case with this crisis. Next time you’re in need of help, take a deep breath and fall back on your support system. Even though it’s scary and takes a lot of trust, it’s worth it to have the support.