Identify Your Triggers: The Secret To Lowering Anxiety

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every year, about 40 million people, or 18% of the US population1, report struggling with anxiety.  Anxiety is a mental, emotional, and physical experience characterized by worry, tension, overthinking, insomnia, panic, and in severe cases, symptoms like rapid heart beat, trouble breathing, sweating, and feeling unreal or out of control.  If you struggle with mild anxiety, such as slight overthinking about work, or severe symptoms, like full out panic attacks, tracking your symptoms and identifying your triggers may be the answer.

Read on to learn how to identify and track anxiety triggers in order to reduce or even eliminate anxiety altogether.

Lack of Sleep

Research indicates that missing even one night of sleep can cause more activity in areas of the brain associated with anxiety2. If you work late hours or stay up doing homework, socializing, or scrolling through social media, you may feel more anxious the next day than if you’d had an adequate night’s sleep.  Aim for 7-9 hours of shut eye per night to promote healthy brain functioning.

Caffeine

A while back, I wrote an article on the mental health benefits of caffeine. While caffeine may benefit some, it may cause spikes in anxiety for others.  Everyone’s body is different.  Pay attention to how your system reacts to caffeine, and go for decaf or half-caf if necessary.

Changes In Blood Sugar

If you are diabetic, you may already be familiar with this.  However, even if you’re not, skipping meals can cause low blood sugar, which causes jitteriness and anxiety.  Make it a goal to eat three well-balanced meals per day, plus snacks, in order to avoid unnecessary anxiety.

Social Triggers

Social events, like parties, can be very anxiety-provoking for some.  So can ruptures in social relationships, such as conflict or a romantic breakup.  Learning communication skills and conflict resolution strategies, leaning on friends for support, and talking to a therapist can help you manage anxiety caused by social experiences.

Overpacking Your Schedule

For many, feeling productive can ease anxiety, but a schedule that’s too busy can create anxiety.  Make sure that you’re planning breaks throughout your work days.  Be intentional about planning alone time for rest and reflection.  Being careful not to over-plan can also help make sure you’re eating and sleeping enough, thus further reducing anxiety.

Isolation

On the flip side, too much alone time can also cause anxiety.  People are social beings.  Even if you’re an introvert, make sure you’re spending time with others regularly.  Now that the pandemic is coming to an end, opt for in-person hangouts for a richer experience.

Alcohol

Alcohol in the right amounts can be a stress reliever for some.  Others report that even one glass of wine can cause them to experience anxiety, usually the next day.  Be mindful of how you feel before, during, and after drinking.  If you’re drinking as a form of self-medication or experiencing unpleasant mood symptoms during or after drinking, consider cutting alcohol out.

How To Track Triggers

Recently, a client of mine introduced me to the mood tracking app, Daylio.  Daylio allows you to rate your mood multiple times per day and select activities you engaged in that day, such as walking, sex, drinking, and more.  You can also enter notes about your thoughts and feelings.

With Daylio, you can also view graphs representing your moods over time and export your mood log to a spreadsheet, so you can share it with your therapist or keep it for your own records.

Using Daylio or other mood tracking apps can help you identify your anxiety triggers.  Journaling your moods, daily activities, meals, sleep, and alcohol consumption can also work if you prefer a more low-tech tracking strategy.

Identifying anxiety triggers takes time and awareness.  At first, it can seem like work, but once you start learning what triggers your anxiety- and therefore how to avoid it- the process is completely worth it.  For more information on anxiety or to begin working with a therapist trained in anxiety-reduction techniques, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling.

Related Articles:

3 Strategies To Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

Restaurant Anxiety:  Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

3 Tips To Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye

Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do?  If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared.  Maybe this has even happened to you in real life!  Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first.  Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.

Now, ask yourself this:  Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself?  This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.

In American society, education is valued.  Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities.  Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information.  In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.

Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first.  However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.

Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs.  The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.

No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on.  Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network.  Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself.  At some point, you have to jump.

Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising.  Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process.  Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most.  You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure.  Failure makes a great teacher.  It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off.  So why avoid it?

Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready.  Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way.  Start going to classes anyways.  Learn about what you like and don’t like.  Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera.  You can buy a new one later.  Stop waiting for everything to be perfect.  It never will be.  Instead, just start.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.

Beginner's Guide to Therapy

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

So you’re thinking about talking to someone.  Great!  Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while and now all the crap that 2020 has had to offer has pushed you to take the step.  You’re feeling ready (or at least willing) to start the journey and work on things that might have been piling up for years.  If this is you, I commend you for your courage.

Understandably, you might have some nerves going through this process.  It’s not every day that you talk to a complete stranger about some of the most painful parts of your life.  Here are some things to keep in mind if you are starting or returning to therapy.

Determine what you want to get out of it

One misconception about therapy is that you’ll be doing it for life once you start.  While some clients love self-reflection, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea.  Determine what you want to get out of your therapy experience.  If you are entering therapy because you enjoy learning more about yourself, even if it’s painful, then therapy may become a form of self-care that you do every week for years.  On the other hand, if you would like extra support for something that is currently stressing you out, be open with your therapist about that.  Don’t feel like you have to keep digging just for the sake of digging.  It is completely up to you.

The right fit matters

Though it can be time consuming at first, finding the right therapist is important and can save you many hours in the long run.  Some clients prefer to shop around a bit before settling on one therapist.  The right fit matters because when things get tough in the therapy room you need to trust that your therapist knows you well enough to know when to push you and when to back off.  When you are being pushed you know it’s because your therapist cares. You can tell there is a good fit when you feel comfortable enough talking about difficult topics.  If you don’t jive with your therapist, it can often feel like a waste of an hour each week.  Spend the time at the beginning ensuring that you like your therapist and feel they understand you.  

Allow time to build the relationship

Once you’ve found a good fit, give the process time for the relationship to build.  Like any other relationship, a therapeutic relationship takes time to fortify.  I typically experience a change in the closeness of my therapeutic bonds with clients after about 8 sessions.  It’s not that good work can’t happen before 8 sessions, but usually by then you both have a feel for each other and you may be willing to take more risks.  Speaking of taking risks...

Take risks...but at the pace you’re comfortable with

The risks you take will be determined by what you are working on in therapy.  For some, it might look like showing up to a session without a mental list of things to tell your therapist, and instead seeing how the session unfolds without a roadmap.  It might be being honest with certain thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you’ve been experiencing.  It might look like advocating for what you need in the therapy room.  Whatever taking risks look like to you, it’s worth pushing yourself to take them in the service of growth.  However, there is no need to push yourself so hard that you dread going to therapy each week.  If you’re finding that progress is fairly consistent, chances are you are taking appropriate risks within the work.

The initial relief you feel doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “cured”

It usually takes people several months of thinking about going to therapy before they actually make their first appointment.  Within those several months, stress piles up and so it’s natural to feel immediate relief when you begin to talk through the stress with a professional.  After a few sessions some people begin to feel so much better that they think they don’t need therapy anymore.  

There are a couple things to think about here.  The first is that simply talking about stress feels good in the moment, but it might not actually change your reaction to stress in the long run.  You’ll want to stay in therapy long enough to get the tools to manage that stress in the future.  The second thing to consider is that life might be working better because you have that hour a week to yourself for therapy.  In the same way that we need consistent exercise for our bodies to function well, you may need consistent reflection for your mental health to function well.  This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to be in therapy forever, but it may be an indication that you’ll want to incorporate some form of personal development into your weekly routine.

Though starting therapy may be slightly scary at first, it’s often worth it.  Stop hesitating and start prioritizing your mental and emotional health.

Resources:

Psychology Today and Zencare list professionals in your area, their specialties, and their rates.  Don’t have insurance and can’t pay a full fee? Check out Open Path Collective where you’ll see a list of therapists offering a sliding scale.  Or contact Mary Claire Schibelka or Erinn Williams here at ELC for a phone consultation.

In Defense of Caffeine

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular.  Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.  

Also intrigued by essential oils, alkaline water, and yoga, Millennials appear to be pursuing wellness with more fervor than past generations.  For many, caffeine intake is a concern due to its often debated impacts on physical and mental health.

No doubt, caffeine can have its consequences.  When overused, it can cause symptoms like insomnia and anxiety.  Caffeine can also have addictive properties similar to those of less socially-accepted drugs.  Heavy coffee drinkers can experience withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, depression, strong cravings, and irritability after skipping only one morning of java.  Caffeine also has a tolerance-building effect, much like alcohol, which requires users to consume more in order to feel its desired effects.

The unpleasant side-effects of too much caffeine can seem scary, causing some to avoid it altogether.  According to a report by the American Psychological Association, however, when used in moderation, caffeine actually may contribute to desirable mental health outcomes.

One study cited in the report found after following over 50,000 nurses for almost 25 years that those who drank at least four cups of coffee per day were 20 percent less likely to experience depression than those who drank little to no coffee.  Similarly, a study of 43,000 men determined that drinking 2 to 3 cups of joe per day is correlated with a 50 percent reduced risk of suicide.  Caffeine is also associated with cognitive benefits such as alertness, increased memory ability, and quicker reaction times.

A 2017 Harvard Medical School report cited studies declaring that 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of physical health conditions including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson’s disease, cirrhosis, and gout.  While dated research indicated that coffee might cause certain types of cancer, these claims have since been refuted, causing the World Health Organization to remove coffee from its list of potentially carcinogenic foods in 2016.  In fact, newer research suggests that coffee might actually reduce the risk of certain types of cancer and increase one’s lifespan by up to 15%.

This is great news to those who enjoy a hit- or four- of daily caffeine, but is it reason enough to give into every craving?  According to the Food and Drug Administration, a daily consumption of 400 milligrams of caffeine or less is considered safe.  This equates to about 3 or 4 cups of home-brewed coffee or one venti Starbucks brewed coffee.  Any more, and you’re at risk of experiencing side effects and even entering the “Caffeine Use Disorder” zone, made note of in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) and trademarked by unsuccessful efforts to reduce consumption, use despite harm, and withdrawal.

While moderate caffeine consumption has been deemed permissible and even beneficial, those who don’t currently partake need not begin.  Caffeine is not a requirement for an alert and healthy life.  A regular sleep schedule, hydration, and consistent intake of nutrients through food are sufficient to achieve the same results as those of a caramel macchiato.

Current coffee connoisseurs, rest assured that you can continue to imbibe without guilt.  Use good judgment by noticing how your body reacts to each serving of caffeine, and pour out the pot when you think you’ve hit your limit.  Practice moderation, drink mindfully, and as always, enjoy life’s simple pleasures, lattes included.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.

Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

Why Crushing is the Best

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” 

J. M. Barrie

Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone.  Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you.  Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.

When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers.  Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive.  It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.

You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal.  Surely, you’d sing in the car together.  They don’t seem like the type to cheat.  And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.

The possibilities are endless!  Imagine the places you could go together.  The movies you could snuggle up and watch.  The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet.  It’s just delicious fantasy.

Crushing is valuable.  While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship.  Why this person?  What is going to be different about this relationship?  What are you attracted to?  What are you hoping for?  These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.

This leads to the next question.  What if they don’t like you?  Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion.  How do you handle that?  What’s it like?  What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?

These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them.  After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter.  That’s what makes crushing so great.  Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love.  Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.

Crushing is unpredictable.  There’s no telling how it will really turn out.  Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide.  You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences.  Stay curious about both.  When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values.  What would you do if you were your best self?

Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person.  Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners.  Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table.  Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational.  And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

Tending to Pain in Others and Yourself

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Emotional wounds, or deep-seated psychological and emotional pain, can develop in a number of ways.  Some wounds happen immediately, such as after witnessing the death of a friend.  Others develop over time as a result of repeated experiences like parental neglect, unhealthy relationships, and systemic racism.  

Emotional wounds impact the way we perceive and interact with the world around us, yet they can often go undetected, even by ourselves.  Internalizing and externalizing behaviors often show up as a result of emotional pain but to the untrained eye can often be excused as personality traits like shyness or aggression.  Instead of dismissing or shaming ourselves and others, we can learn to recognize the following four symptoms as alarm bells signaling the existence of pain and the need for healing.

Resentment

Imagine you have plans to meet a friend for coffee at 4pm.  It’s 3:45, and she texts you saying she’s going to be late because she’s stuck in traffic.  Immediately, the boiling feeling of anger washes over you and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how to plan effectively, does she?  How immature.”  That’s resentment.

While resentment may easily be mistaken for a bad attitude, it could be a sign of pain below the surface.  When examined more closely, anger about a friend being late to a get-together might be related to feelings of loneliness caused by your mother being late to pick you up from school each day, or maybe you were repeatedly shamed for being late as a child, causing you a great deal of embarrassment.

Retreat

While alone-time can be a great way to recharge, especially for introverts, ongoing social withdrawal is a telltale sign of depression and can also be associated with anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and addiction.  Next time you feel like cancelling plans or turning down an invite, ask yourself why.  If you notice friends beginning to retreat, get curious about their reasons.  They could be struggling emotionally.  Also, remember that it is often painful and possibly even retraumatizing for people from marginalized groups to be in spaces where nobody else shares a similar identity.

Lashing Out

When we experience trauma, our brains enter fight, flight, or freeze mode.  Repeated trauma can cause our brains and bodies to get “stuck” in fight mode, therefore causing verbal and physical combativeness as a form of self-protection.  What one might perceive as a relatively small or insignificant event can trigger a trauma response, therefore resulting in what can seem like a disproportionate reaction.  For instance, a person who lost a friend in a car accident might exhibit an explosive amount of road rage after being cut off by another driver on the highway.

Demands

To an emotionally wounded person, making demands can seem like the only way to achieve a desired outcome.  In certain situations, this is healthy and necessary, such as when an oppressed group of people demands justice and fair treatment.  At other times, making demands can be harmful.  For instance, if you were cheated on in a past relationship, demanding that your partner let you go through his or her phone will likely cause trouble without doing much to resolve past hurts.  Either way, demands are often responses to emotional pain and fear of further suffering.

Caring for Emotional Wounds

Like physical wounds, emotional wounds tend to heal over time when properly treated.  When left unrecognized, they can fester, resulting in broken relationships and continuation or deepening of pain.  Talking about emotional wounds can be difficult, and ignoring our pain can be a seductive alternative, but like physical wounds, the only way to heal an emotional wound is to notice it, ask for help, and clean it out.

Although it can feel scary, asking friends how they are doing if you’ve noticed the behaviors above might be exactly what they need.  Having someone see their struggles can feel like a huge relief and lift the burden of them having to come to you.  Like when you make yourself available for a friend, naming your own pain is a way to give yourself compassion and practice self-care.  If you are struggling with difficult emotions, get curious about them.  Ask yourself where they might be coming from and if there is an even deeper root to them.

Often, when someone is facing painful emotions, advice and reassurance are not as helpful as the simple act of listening.  If you are seeking to be an ally or support somebody going through a difficult time, refrain from giving your opinion or offering solutions.  Instead, listen with compassion and express a genuine interest in learning more about the other person’s experience.  If you are the person in pain, allow others to hear you, even if they don’t have all the right answers.  A burden feels lighter when you aren’t carrying it alone.

There are certain situations in which action is necessary.  Some examples include dismantling systemic racism and getting out of an abusive relationship.  After allowing friends to share their experiences with you, ask them what you are able to do to help.  When working to heal your own emotional wounds, ask yourself what action steps you need to take and what friends and other people you trust can do to support you.

The Power of Time

Many emotional wounds were not developed in a day, and likewise, they will take time to heal.  As you venture down the path of healing your own emotional wounds or supporting friends as they navigate their own, practice patience and compassion.  Manage your expectations of the healing process by acknowledging that healing is not linear.  Go easy on yourself and others when imperfections arise.  Most importantly, celebrate the small victories, believing that eventually, they will amount to progress much greater than you ever thought possible.

13 Tips for Watching 13 Reasons Why

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

On Friday, June 5, Netflix will air its fourth and final season of hit show 13 Reasons Why.  Previous seasons of the show have attracted millions of viewers, but critics worry that the implications of viewing the series could be dangerous.

13 Reasons Why aired its first season in 2017, focusing on the fictional story of Hannah Baker, a 17-year old high school student who committed suicide, leaving behind 13 cassette tapes, each calling out a different person and his or her contribution to her decision.  Not only has the series been criticized for romanticizing suicide, it has also been called out for depicting topics that young viewers might not be equipped to handle, such as sexual assault, bullying, gun violence, and substance abuse.  One study showed an increase in youth suicides after the release of the first season, thus leading to Netflix’s decision to remove a graphic scene of the main character’s suicide.

Regardless of its opposition, the show has since released two more seasons, with the third arriving in a little over a week.  If Season 4 is anything like the last three, viewers are likely to witness more difficult and perhaps even disturbing content.  There are ways, however, to watch the show, learn from it, and protect your mental health while doing so.  If you’re a fan who’s planning on partaking, check out the following 13 tips for a safe and enjoyable viewing experience:

1. Don’t Ignore the Warnings

After receiving backlash, Netflix began including brief videos before the first episodes of Seasons 2 and 3 during which cast members speak directly to the audience, advising them against watching if they are currently struggling with any of the issues depicted in the show.  Heed these warnings to avoid feeling overwhelmed by content that hits too close to home.

2. Watch It With Someone Else

Whether it’s in person or on FaceTime, watch the show with a friend to prevent feeling isolated.  It can seriously help to have another person to chat or “oh my gosh” with during uncomfortable scenes.

3. Leave the Lights On

Watching TV in the dark creates a cinematic experience.  But when watching a show that focuses on such heavy topics, leaving the lights on can help you stay grounded and less wrapped up in the emotions of the characters.

4. Chunk It

Binge watching is tempting, especially during quarantine.  But 13 straight hours of somber?  That’s enough to suck the soul out of anybody.  Allow yourself the excitement of suspense by spacing out the episodes over at least a few days.

5. Go Outside

Between episodes, take breaks to go outside and remind yourself that unlike in the forever-overcast town of Crestmont, the sun still shines and all is not lost.

6. Watch the Interviews

It’s hard to believe that Jessica Davis’s real name isn’t Jessica Davis.  The 13 Reasons Why actors are convincing, and it can make the show seem so real.  Watching interviews of cast members like Alisha Boe (the real Jessica Davis), might help put some mental separation between you and the emotions of the characters.

7. If You’re Already Having a Bad Day, Watch Something Else

Take my word for it on this one.  This is not the show that’s gonna lift you out of your funk.

8. Eat, Drink Water, Sleep, and Shower

All these things are part of a healthy self-care routine.  The urge to watch “just one more episode” before eating lunch or going to sleep is real, but forgoing these things for the sake of seeing what happens to Clay Jensen just isn’t worth it.  All it does is make you more susceptible to being negatively affected by the show.

9. Skip Upsetting Scenes

If you’re a fan of the series but are worried about scenes that might be a bit too intense, ask a friend who watches Season 4 before you to take note of any parts containing the type of content you want to avoid.  Then, hit fast forward during those parts and ask that friend to fill you in, minus the details.

10. Grab Your Pets

Companion animals have been linked with all kinds of emotional benefits including reduced anxiety and depression.  Turn your cat or dog into a fan of 13 Reasons Why by snuggling them while you watch.

11. Create an Alternate Ending

I don’t know the show’s ending.  But if for some reason, it doesn’t seem right to you, or if there was an issue in one of the episodes that you feel wasn’t handled appropriately, write down what could’ve happened instead.  What could the producers have done differently to make the show more helpful and socially responsible?

12. Utilize the Resources

The show’s official website, 13reasonswhy.info, offers a number of resources including links to various mental health organizations’ websites, crisis hotline numbers for 58 countries, a discussion guide, and short videos explaining how to handle real issues like suspected violence, friends who are depressed, and consent.  Familiarize yourself with the site and take advantage of its offerings if you think they could be helpful.

13.  Talk About It

13 Reasons Why has the potential to be highly impactful if watched and processed with intention.  Take the time to talk about feelings and opinions that arise while you watch.  Make sure you’re talking with someone you feel emotionally safe with, such as a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.  Talking prevents tough feelings from festering, and it’s also the first step to healing.

The decision of whether or not to watch 13 Reasons Why is personal, and it should not be informed solely by others’ opinions, negative or positive.  If you choose to watch, pay attention to the sometimes subtle messages your body sends you, such as thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (like your gut feeling).  Regardless of how far in you are, remember that you can always decide to switch off the TV if it becomes too much.  After all, you can always read the spoilers.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”

Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Fire Needs Air

By Mary Claire Schibelka

“I went through his phone.”  “I hacked her Facebook.” “Give me your Instagram password so I know I can trust you.”  “Share your location with me.” If you haven’t been on the giving or receiving end of one of these statements, I’m willing to bet that you know or have heard of someone who has.

In the digital age, cheating seems easier than ever.  Twenty years ago, infidelity meant risking being seen in public together or, at the very least, calling the house phone, never knowing who might answer.  Now, we have the ability to silently converse through text messages, dating apps, Instagram DMs, and Snapchats. We no longer share phones and other devices with each other.  Instead, we keep them tucked away in our pockets and often protected by passwords.

For some who fear betrayal, the antidote to their anxiety is total access.  If they can see their partner’s activity, then they can prevent cheating, or at least eliminate the opportunity for it.  This goes hand in hand with the belief that if two people are really in love, they are completely transparent with each other, and doing so increases trust and intimacy.  But what if just the opposite were true?

Esther Perel, famous Belgian psychotherapist and relationship researcher, asserts that in order for desire to endure, partners must maintain a certain degree of independence and privacy.  In fact, the ability for members of a couple to be both autonomous and connected is one of the trademarks of intimacy. Without mystery, novelty, and some elusiveness, the flame of desire can very quickly burn out, thus creating the exact relationship problems we all wish to avoid.

Knowing every detail of your counterpart’s digital activity might not be helpful, anyways.  Typically, when we look for trouble, we are likely to find it, even in things that might not otherwise upset us.  A harmless text message could be misinterpreted by a snooping partner who is hyperaware of any threat to the relationship.  The discovery of a mindlessly “liked” photo might lead to undue suspicions and heartache. While these things are often meaningless, discovering them might feel like a betrayal.

Rather than demanding control and total entry into your partner’s online world, have a discussion and negotiate what is appropriate and what is not.  Is liking pictures posted by the opposite sex okay? A “happy birthday” text to an ex? What about deleting a dating app from your phone but not deleting your account altogether?  The answers to these questions will be different for everyone.

Once boundary lines have been drawn, the next step is to allow room for trust to grow.  Having a hard time trusting your partner? That is a different conversation. Just remember, eliminating privacy is not the answer.  Intimacy and desire need space, or in the words of Esther Perel, “Fire needs air.”

Is Social Media Ruining your Social Distancing Experience?

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Social media:  good or evil? The battle is nothing new.  What is new is that now, for the first time, users are engaging in social media while practicing social distancing, away from the outside world.

During this unprecedented time, one could argue that social media is more important than ever.  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat connect us to friends and family members that we might otherwise be separated from.  Coronavirus memes help us use humor to cope with a troubling situation. Online discussions about our hobbies, interests, the latest TV shows (Tiger King, anyone?) remind us that although we are apart, we still have so much in common.  

Professionals and even celebrities have also been using social media in creative and helpful ways.  Artists, such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, John Legend, and Billie Eilsih, have used Instagram to perform live streams and connect with their fans.  Likewise, yoga teachers, counselors, dieticians, and doctors hold classes and workshops, via social media, to help followers stay physically and mentally healthy during quarantine. In a world where we’ve been advised to stay in our respective homes, social media gives us an avenue to remain together in spirit and access resources that can be incredibly useful.

While the positive aspects of social media during this time are undeniable, like anything, it can be harmful in excess- especially now.  Social media has a way of keeping us engaged. Most of us are familiar with the experience of innocently logging into Facebook to check our messages and finding ourselves, an hour later, watching videos of puppies or clicking through pictures of somebody we haven’t seen in ten years.  This can feel like a waste of time at best, and at worst, cause us to procrastinate important tasks. Couple perceived wasted time with the seemingly-endless posts you’re likely to come across about “staying productive” during quarantine, and you’ve fixed yourself a dangerous cocktail of possible self-criticism and even shame.

It’s no secret that social media can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.  Anytime we peer into the lives of others, we risk the possibility of unhealthy comparisons.  Now, however, we are viewing social media in the absence of exposure to the real world. We have lost the majority of our opportunities to go outside and see what the average person looks like.  Instead, we see more carefully-selected, and often Photoshopped or Face Tuned, photographs taken from flattering angles. Friends haven’t stopped Snapchatting pictures of their Quarantine Cuties, but now, singles no longer have the ability to go to social gatherings in the hope of meeting their own special someone.  Because of the Coronavirus, our worlds have all grown smaller, and if used without caution, social media can make it easier than ever for our perceptions of ourselves to become negatively skewed.

Am I suggesting that everybody give up social media for the rest of the quarantine?  No. I am not. Instead, I encourage you to practice mindfulness around your usage. If you are noticing increased anxiety, depression, or negative self-talk after spending time on social media, consider limiting how much time you spend online per day.  Reduce your temptation to constantly log on by turning off your notifications. Unfollow accounts that lead you to comparison, as well as those that spike your anxiety (many people report heightened anxiety after seeing social media posts about the Coronavirus, itself).  Also, consider the content that you are posting. If you find yourself posting selfies in hopes of accumulating likes to increase your self-esteem, you might actually be worsening it. Now might also be a time to question the helpfulness of controversial posts that frequently lead to online arguments.

Most importantly, check in with yourself.  Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations while using social media.  Trust yourself. If you experience self-bullying, feelings of hopelessness, tightness in your chest, or similar experiences, it may be time to rethink whether or not social media is serving you at this time.