Why Do You Keep Procrastinating, and How Can You Stop?
What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?
The answer: All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.
Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control. However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower. Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What do updating your resume, folding laundry, and paying bills all have in common?
The answer: All are tasks that many of us procrastinate.
Procrastination is often attributed to laziness or poor self-control. However, there are several other reasons why you may find yourself procrastinating that have nothing to do with willpower. Understanding the reasons you procrastinate helps you create strategies for getting things done in a reasonable amount of time.
Read on to learn more about why you procrastinate and how you can stop.
Reason 1: You Fear Failure
One of the most common reasons people procrastinate is the fear of failure. Maybe you’ve been wanting to learn Spanish for the past 3 years, but because you know it won’t be easy, you still haven’t signed up for a class.
Tips:
If the idea of failure feels scary to you, ask yourself why. What experiences have you had with failure in the past?
Look up inspirational quotes on failure to remind yourself that it’s a normal experience and often an important part of learning.
Put your past failures in perspective by identifying at least one new thing you learned from each experience.
Reason 2: You Fear Success
Believe it or not, many people fear success. When you succeed at something, you set a new bar for yourself. Expectations of you become greater. For example, if you apply for a new job and get it, you’re then expected to perform well at that job. This can feel like a great deal of pressure and lead to procrastination of tasks you’ll likely succeed at.
Tips:
Maintain a “cheering squad” of the people closest to you who can help you feel supported and capable of taking on new challenges.
Recall past successes and times you exceeded your own expectations.
Reason 3: Perfectionism
Perfectionism often accompanies the fear of failure. If you struggle with perfectionism, you may believe that being any less than perfect at something reduces your personal value. Expecting yourself to be perfect can lead to anxiety, a common culprit behind perfectionism.
Tips:
Remember the principle of diminishing returns. The longer you obsess over something that’s already good enough, the less effective the time you spend on it becomes. For example, studying for a test for 5 hours can help you get an A instead of a D. However, spending an extra 5 hours studying will impact your grade less. The difference between a D and an A is far more significant than the difference between an A and an A+.
Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of your worth, even if you aren’t perfect.
Hold yourself to the same standards you hold your friends to. Chances are you’re way less hard on them than you are yourself.
Reason 4: You’re Overwhelmed
If you have a ton of tasks on your to-do list, getting started on just one of them can feel like a challenge. The same is true for getting started on a project that you know will take you a lengthy amount of time.
Tips:
Build in rewards. Do something enjoyable after completing each item on your list, or chunk your project/assignment into smaller pieces and reward yourself after completing each one.
Eliminate any unnecessary tasks.
Prioritize what’s most important and tackle that first.
Delegate responsibilities to others when you can.
Combine tasks. For example, if you have to do laundry and run errands, throw your clothes in the washing machine and run errands while they’re washing.
Plan ahead for when you’re going to work by putting necessary tasks in your calendar.
Reason 5: You Don’t Know What To Do
The final reason why you may be procrastinating is because you simply don’t know what to do! For example, if your car needs an oil change, and you have no idea how to do it, you’re probably going to put it off.
Tips:
Ask yourself if the goal is too big. In this case, maybe it would be easier to take the car to a mechanic than to learn how to change the oil yourself.
Seek guidance from others who have done the task before in order to learn how to do it.
Think of similar situations you’ve encountered. Remember how you handled them, and see if you can apply those skills to this situation, too.
Beating yourself up and calling yourself lazy because you’re procrastinating is rarely helpful. Instead, seek to understand why you’re struggling with procrastination. Knowing your reason will help you figure out what to do next in order to feel accomplished, productive, and more in control of the things you have to do.
The Skill You Need To Start Getting What You Want
Whether you are in a relationship, married, or single with most of your relationships being with friends, family, or coworkers, you’ve probably noticed how often other people do things that bother you. Maybe you really hate when someone speaks to you in a condescending tone of voice or when people are late. Or maybe it’s your partner never taking out the trash that’s been boiling your blood lately.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Whether you are in a relationship, married, or single with most of your relationships being with friends, family, or coworkers, you’ve probably noticed how often other people do things that bother you. Maybe you really hate when someone speaks to you in a condescending tone of voice or when people are late. Or maybe it’s your partner never taking out the trash that’s been boiling your blood lately.
No matter what the specifics are, life would be a whole lot easier if other people would just do what you want them to do, right? Well, maybe they can.
Assertiveness is a skill you can develop in order to get more of what you want and less of what you don’t out of other people. Now, I’m not talking about manipulating people into giving you thousands of dollars or doing all of your household chores. Assertiveness can be used to make reasonable requests that benefit your relationships, goals, and mental health, as well as those of the people you use the skill with.
For example, imagine a situation in which your boss asks you to pick up the extra work of an employee who recently quit. You may say yes in order to be helpful, but what if your boss never ends up hiring anybody else? What if they later asks you to take on the duties of yet another employee who quits?
You have several choices here. One, you could choose to passively accept your boss’s request, even if you know working the extra hours will take away from your other priorities. Two, you could be aggressive and say something like, “You really think you can just take advantage of me like that? Who do you think you are!?” Three, you could be passive aggressive by doing the extra work but intentionally doing it poorly in order to spite your boss.
The fourth and best option is to be assertive. Here’s how:
Choose an appropriate time to have a conversation
Like, not on Friday at 4:55pm in the office parking lot. Make sure you and whoever you are talking to have ample time for a discussion. For best results, plan for a time when both of you are likely to be calm and undistracted.
Make Eye Contact
Nonverbal communication is just as important, if not more important, than what you say. As you’re talking to your boss (or whoever else), resist the urge to let your eyes wander around the room out of discomfort. Making eye contact will convey to the other person that you are serious about what you are saying.
Speak in a Calm, Confident Voice
Just like you want to prevent your eyes from wandering, you also want to avoid speaking quietly, trailing off, or saying things like, “Um,” “I guess,” or anything else you may typically say in order to seem less difficult. When practicing assertive communication, it’s important that you come off as meaning what you are saying, not unsure and wavering in your request.
Describe the Situation You Wish To Change
For this step, your goal is to stick only to the facts. For example, when talking to an overly-demanding boss, stating the facts may sound like, “You have asked me to pick up two former employees’ workloads, and nobody has been hired to replace them. I’ve worked 70 hours per week for the past two months.” Resist the urge to add in any opinions or interpretations at this stage, as doing so may cause the other person to become defensive.
Express Your Emotions
After describing the facts, name the emotions arising for you in this particular situation. You may say, “I feel exhausted by doing 3 jobs at once.” Notice the wording of this statement. It does not say, “You make me feel…[fill in the blank].” Rather, it describes your emotional response to the facts stated above using an “I” statement. This, again, is a strategy to avoid the other person becoming defensive or feeling like you are blaming them for your emotions.
State What You Need
This is the part where you tell the other person what you want. Make sure you take time to think beforehand. Be specific in defining what, exactly, needs to change in order for the problem to improve. In this case, you may say, “In order for me to complete quality work, I’m only going to be able to do my own job from now on.” Point out how your solution benefits the other person. In this case, your boss may be more likely to agree to your idea after hearing it will improve the quality of your work.
Negotiate
Negotiation is a useful skill when it comes to any conflict. Imagine in this situation that your boss pushes back on your idea, stating the other work you’ve been doing simply must get done. Perhaps you could offer to take on a few of the most important tasks the former employees used to do. Maybe you could even offer to assist your boss in the process of hiring replacement employees. Be flexible and open to ideas as you negotiate, and avoid letting pride get in the way of accepting someone else’s useful suggestions.
Assertiveness is one of the most important skills you can possess in a relationship. Regardless of how close you are with your friends, coworkers, family, or partner, conflicts are bound to arise. Keep in mind that confrontation does not have to be explosive, and it is not a sign of weakness or failure in your relationships. Rather, healthy, assertive communication can help you get the most out of your relationships and resolve conflicts in a way that makes all parties happy and even closer than before.
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3 Tips To Maximize Your Productivity Without Sacrificing Your Mental Health
I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I feel like society sends us nonstop conflicting messages. Lately, I’ve been thinking about productivity, goal-accomplishment, self-care, and what it really means to live a fulfilling life.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
I don’t know about you, but sometimes, I feel like society sends us nonstop conflicting messages. Lately, I’ve been thinking about productivity, goal-accomplishment, self-care, and what it really means to live a fulfilling life.
In one camp, we hear messages like, “Never give up on your dreams,” and “Do more to get more.” We also live in a side-hustle culture, where it’s more popular than ever to pay bills with your 9-to-5 and grind on evenings and weekends to afford dinners out, Lolla tickets, and Instagrammable vacations.
On the other side, we hear, “Your worth does not lie in your productivity.” “It’s okay to fail.” “You need to take time off for self-care.” “Tell your boss you’ve set a boundary and will no longer be working past 6pm.”
But what if you want to work hard to start a business or afford the finer things in life? What if you want that, and you still want to watch your favorite TV show and go out for spontaneous drinks with friends? Can you do both?
These questions sent me on a journey this week to research how you can kill it in your career, knock out a substantial amount of to-do list items each day, and still have time to take care of yourself and live a fulfilling life, because let’s be honest- all work and no play just isn’t it.
Here are 3 of the most important tips I’ve learned:
Be Picky with Your Friends
When you’re a career-driven person, your time is very valuable. Spending it with people you don’t really enjoy can feel like a waste. Instead, choose to spend time with friends who recharge and motivate you to be the best version of yourself. Time with these kinds of people will be fun, and it will also prepare you to work hard when you’re ready to get back to it.
Do Self-Care That Works
It seems easy, but figuring out which self-care activities actually rejuvenate you takes work! You probably hear a lot about journaling, taking bubble baths, getting your nails done, and meditating, but self-care can include so much more. Self-care can include anything, like running, painting, shopping, gardening, seeing a movie, crossfit, cooking, cleaning, fixing cars...anything! Experiment and find out what you enjoy in order to get the most out of your self-care time.
Create Routines
I know this one can be cringy. Especially if you’re more Type B or spontaneous. But it really works. Creating daily and weekly routines helps you consolidate your productivity into a preselected amount of hours. In other words, it helps you get stuff done in a reasonable amount of time, so you can finish tasks and get out there and enjoy life. You can Google “successful peoples’ morning routines” for ideas, and then customize them to be doable for you.
Even though it sometimes seems like productivity and mental health are mutually exclusive, the truth is they really can coexist. Be mindful about how you use your time and who you spend it with. Staying focused during times you assign for work will allow you to relax and enjoy socializing and self-care during your much-needed breaks.
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Your Friendships Can Only Go So Far Without This Magic Ingredient...
In a world that seems to value appearances and social media followers above much else, it’s easy to believe that the best way to make friends is to put your best self out there- to make yourself seem as attractive as possible in hopes that others will be drawn to your appearance, engaging personality, or clout.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
In a world that seems to value appearances and social media followers above much else, it’s easy to believe that the best way to make friends is to put your best self out there- to make yourself seem as attractive as possible in hopes that others will be drawn to your appearance, engaging personality, or clout.
Well, you’re not wrong. Doing this likely will make others want to be around you. After all, many of them are probably chasing the same things. But are these kinds of friendships really satisfying? Do they even last?
All humans desire belonging and social attachment. Sure, superficial relationships may be easy to find if you’re able to perfect the way you portray yourself, but real attachment requires compassion, acceptance, and love. You can perfect your Instagram, buy all the right clothes, learn how to make people laugh, and join every social group on the planet and still be missing the one ingredient that makes true friendship possible: authenticity.
To learn how to find your authentic self and show up genuinely during social interactions, keep reading.
What Is the Authentic Self?
Throughout life, we learn to act how we think other people want us to. We do this by analyzing different situations, such as when we’re praised for telling a funny joke or ignored when talking about a not-so-popular music group. Each time, our brains take notes: what kinds of behaviors lead to acceptance from others, and which heighten the risk of rejection?
Your authentic self is who you are when you strip away this coding. It’s your real sense of humor, the kinds of music you actually like, the personality traits, preferences, and insecurities that make you who you are, whether other people like you for them or not.
Why Is Authenticity Important?
When you stop trying to be who you think other people want you to be, you increase your chances of being liked for who you really are. Now, this doesn’t mean that more people will necessarily like you. They may not. What it means is that if you’re in a room of 100 people and you decide to be as authentic as possible, you may only connect with 2 people, but you can rest assured that those 2 people genuinely like you for you.
This is a beautiful thing. This is the basis of intimacy. Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are the most fulfilling when those in them are able to see, accept, and like or love each other for who they really are, imperfections and all.
Does This Mean You Should Have No Filter?
No. In fact, having a filter is necessary. Being authentic does not mean you have to be rude, offensive, or inappropriate. Filtering the things you say and do in order to help others feel comfortable or respected demonstrates social intelligence and is conducive to making and keeping friends. It is very possible to be your authentic self while employing healthy boundaries.
How To Find and Be Your Authentic Self
To learn more about your authentic self and start approaching social settings more genuinely, follow the following tips:
Dive Deep
Take some time to journal about what truly makes you you. What are you interested in? What do you value? What are some of your most prominent personality traits? What are some of the most subtle ones? What makes you happy or excited? What makes you sad or angry?
Answer these questions as honestly as you can, noticing any shame or embarrassment if it arises.
Resolve Shame
If you do find yourself feeling ashamed of things about yourself, get curious about why. Were you made fun of for these qualities in the past? Has the media or society told you that these traits are “uncool”? How did your parents react to these things about you when you were a child? Practice accepting yourself by challenging any negative beliefs about who you are. This can be a tough step, and it may be helpful to work with a therapist in order to navigate it.
Put Yourself in the Right Environments
If I were a vegetarian who wanted to feel more comfortable being my authentic self, I would not sign up to join a hunting club. Instead, I’d join a group of animal rights activists. It’s not that you can’t be around different kinds of people and still practice authenticity, but if you’re looking to make friends who accept you for who you are, you’re better off surrounding yourself with likeminded people. Think about where you’d feel most comfortable showing up as your authentic self, and start practicing there.
Stay Present
It’s easy to slip back into old patterns of trying to impress those around you. Remember that doing this takes you further away from your authentic self. Slow down during your social interactions and take risks. Where can you find opportunities to voice your real opinion about something or let a personality characteristic you’re less confident about show through? Notice if you start performing for others, and ask yourself what you can do to be more true to yourself in that moment.
Repeat
This. Takes. Practice. Society doesn’t always value authenticity. You have likely received messaging throughout your life telling you how much better you’d be if you were only someone else. Practicing being your true self around others may be difficult and even painful at first. Stay dedicated. Continue digging for your authentic self both when you’re alone and with others. In time, not only will others notice and begin to appreciate the real you, but you’ll be able to recognize and get to know others for their authentic selves as well.
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5 Steps to Recovering from a Breakup
If you’ve ever been through a breakup, you know how painful it can be. Breakups often include intense feelings of grief, loss, loneliness, rejection, sadness, and hopelessness. When it comes to breaking up, these feelings are often an inevitable part of the healing process, but there are several things you can do to both cope with the pain and prepare yourself for greater things to come.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
If you’ve ever been through a breakup, you know how painful it can be. Breakups often include intense feelings of grief, loss, loneliness, rejection, sadness, and hopelessness. When it comes to breaking up, these feelings are often an inevitable part of the healing process, but there are several things you can do to both cope with the pain and prepare yourself for greater things to come.
Read the following tips to learn how to heal and return to living your best life after breaking up:
Give Yourself Compassion
Immediately after a breakup, you may feel physically incapable of cheering yourself up, let alone thinking about all the fun things you want to do with your friends or who you’re going to date next. This is normal. Now is not the time to try to force yourself to get over your ex.
Instead, it’s important to treat yourself with compassion. Feel your feelings. Let yourself cry. Treat yourself the same way you’d treat a best friend who was struggling after a breakup. If that means calling off work and staying in bed for a day, do it. Pushing down your feelings will only make things worse in the long run.
Surround Yourself with Love
After a difficult breakup, it’s important to connect with your support system. Spend plenty of time with friends and family who allow you to be vulnerable. They don’t necessarily have to understand your situation exactly or give you any groundbreaking advice. They just have to accept you in the state you’re in, listen, and remind you that you are still deeply, deeply loved.
Reflect on the Relationship
Once you have given your emotions some care, and your logical mind begins to show itself again, start reflecting on your former relationship. What can you learn from looking back? What needs do you have that weren’t being met? What went well? What qualities do you want or not want in your next partner? Even though your last relationship didn’t work, it can still serve as a great learning experience.
Get Honest with Yourself
One of the hardest, yet most beneficial steps of getting over a breakup is to examine your role in the dynamic. Even if you truly believe your partner was the problem, ask yourself what you could have done differently in retrospect. Perhaps you missed some warning signs that you can be more aware of in the future, or maybe you need to work on your communication skills. Understanding your part in the relationship will help you feel more in control of your circumstances and benefit you in your next relationship.
Focus on the Future
Allowing yourself to feel the emotions of going through a breakup is healthy. Dwelling in them is not. Even if you are still grieving, begin thinking about where you would like to go next. Set goals for your career, finances, self-improvement, or future romantic relationships, and begin working towards making them a reality. Focusing on your future will remind you that even though you’re going through a difficult time, great things are on the horizon.
If you were recently broken up with, or even if you’re the one who did the breaking up, the emotions that come with the ending of a relationship can be heartbreaking. Healing requires a balance of sitting with painful feelings and thinking about how your breakup may actually serve you in the future.
If you’re struggling to move on from a breakup, even though you know it’s time, reach out to a counselor at ELEVATED Life Counseling.
Your 10-Step Guide to Making and Keeping Friends as an Adult
Adulting can be hard for many reasons. One of the toughest challenges, which I’ve talked about with almost all of my clients at one point or another, is friendship. Busy schedules made up of parenting responsibilities, long work hours, housework, and meal prepping can often leave little time for hanging out with friends you already have, let alone making new ones.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Adulting can be hard for many reasons. One of the toughest challenges, which I’ve talked about with almost all of my clients at one point or another, is friendship. Busy schedules made up of parenting responsibilities, long work hours, housework, and meal prepping can often leave little time for hanging out with friends you already have, let alone making new ones.
Whether you recently moved to the City and are struggling to build new friendships, or you’re having a hard time keeping up with the ones you already have, keep reading. This step-by-step guide will teach you how to meet new people, turn acquaintances into deeper friendships, and continue pouring into friendships you already have, even if you’re busier than ever.
Step 1: Position Yourself
Making friends is kind of like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Download Bumble BFF, sign up for a pottery class, reactivate your gym membership, or start working from places like coffee shops or coworking spaces in order to increase the number of people you meet and could potentially become friends with.
2. Adjust Your Expectations
It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a new lifelong friend everytime you go out to do one of the things mentioned above. You could go to 10 pilates classes and never meet a single person. Don’t lose hope! Consistency is key. Keep attending activities you’re interested in or chatting with different people on friendship apps, and eventually, it’s likely you’ll meet someone who will become a friend.
Also, remember that unlike what we see on TV, strong friendships don’t happen overnight. They often start out slow, with periodic conversations here and there, and then grow in intimacy and closeness over time.
Step 3: Start a Conversation
Every friendship begins with a single conversation. Compliment the person’s mat next to yours at yoga class and ask where they got it. Introduce yourself to someone in your Bible study and ask how long they’ve been going to their church. Again, it’s okay for friendships to start out slow. Your initial conversation doesn’t have to be deep, it just has to establish contact.
Step 4: Go With the Flow
If you meet someone and conversation seems to be flowing, extend the interaction in a way that seems natural. If you compliment someone’s jeans and start talking about their favorite places to shop, invite them to go to the mall with you. Ask the person whose yoga mat you complimented if they’re coming to class next week. If you’re talking about music with someone, ask for their number so you can share your Spotify playlist with them. Sticking to the theme of what you initially connected over will make hanging out or talking in the future feel less forced.
Step 5: Cope With Outcomes Ahead of Time
This is where expectations become very important. Just because you got someone’s number or went to the mall with them, it doesn’t mean you’re instantly going to become best friends. Sure, you might start immediately hanging out several times per week, or you might go a month without hanging out again, or that one time might be it! Keep in mind that even if the friendship doesn’t kick off right away, it could develop more and become very close over time.
It’s also possible that you and this person are just not a good fit. This can be difficult, especially if you’ve dealt with abandonment, betrayal, or loneliness in the past. Practice coping with this possibility ahead of time. What would you do if this friendship didn’t work out? How would you deal with those emotions in a healthy way? What would you do to continue creating opportunities to make new friends?
Step 6: Follow Up
After hanging out with someone new for the first time, the “what do I do now” feeling can be very similar to the one many people experience after a first date. Should you text them right away and tell them what a great time you had? Wait a day? Wait for them to reach out to you?
My advice on this topic is to resist the urge to follow any rigid set of “rules” or play games. Be yourself. Reach out whenever and however feels natural to you. Be receptive to the other person’s cues (like, don’t text them 5 times if they didn’t even respond once), but avoid overanalyzing them. Practice authenticity. The people most likely to become close friends down the line are the ones who like you just the way you are.
Step 7: Skip the Small Talk
When you first start hanging out with someone new, conversations are likely to be more superficial. However, once you get to know each other better, practice talking about deeper topics in order to build intimacy. Ask open ended questions about the other person’s interests, worldview, past experiences, and passions. Also, talk about your own. Close relationships can only be formed when two people allow each other to see and accept who they truly are.
Step 8: Check In
Ok, so now you’re at the stage where you and someone else are more than acquaintances. Maybe you’re new friends, or maybe you’re best friends who have had a relationship for years. Either way, it’s important to maintain consistent communication if you want to keep the friendship alive. Take responsibility for reaching out and saying hello or asking how your friend has been. Doing this shows that you care about the other person and value their presence in your life.
Step 9: Don’t Make Assumptions
Sometimes, people get busy. Actually, scratch that. Most people are busy a lot. It may be easy for you to fall into the trap of thinking that if you haven’t heard from a friend in a while, or if they forget to reply to your text, they’ve either forgotten or stopped caring about you. This is so often not the case. Chances are, the last time you texted your friend, they were holding their phone in one hand and wiping baby spit-up off their face with the other. Or they were out to dinner. Or they typed a response and forgot to hit send.
You really have no way of knowing what’s going on in a friend’s day to day life unless they tell you or you ask. If you feel the impulse to either shut down and withdraw or get even by ghosting a friend who hasn’t contacted you in a while, get curious about what’s really going on for you emotionally. See what happens if you reach out again, or, if you’re really noticing a pattern of non-communication from a friend, be straightforward and ask them if everything is okay.
Step 10: Audit
Now that I’ve hopefully convinced you to go easy on your friends and give them the benefit of the doubt a lot of the time, I have to make sure I point out that some friends are not, in fact, good ones. You may have some friends who take much more from you than they give. You may have one or more who regularly ignore you, even when you make every effort to communicate with them in a healthy way. Some may even be critical of you, always try to compete with you, or humiliate you in front of others.
These are not your friends. People who spend time with you but are abusive, neglectful, or just downright uninterested in you are likely showing up in your life for their own selfish reasons. That’s not your fault. You may have outgrown them, or maybe it was never a good friendship to begin with. This can be a painful realization, but not as painful as continuing to offer yourself to someone who repeatedly mistreats you.
Sometimes, you have to do a friendship audit. Especially if you’re busy, it can be healthy to go through your list of friends from time to time and ask, “Who do I feel supported by? Who do I enjoy being around? Who energizes me, and who depletes me? Who encourages me and makes me feel good about myself? Who is able to be vulnerable with me like I am with them?” If you’re realizing that you’re spending your valuable time with people who aren’t feeding your soul, make the decision to reallocate your resources to those who are. It’s not mean, and it’s not about hard feelings or drama. It’s about your health and wellbeing.
Making or keeping friends as an adult can be difficult, especially if you have a packed schedule. Nevertheless, friendships are important for mental and emotional health and deserve a decent-sized chunk of your time. To build or maintain healthy friendships that are worth your time, practice these steps regularly. Your future self will thank you when they look back and realize how long the special people in your life have been by your sides.
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How To Set Boundaries with Difficult Family Members
No matter how much you love your family, it’s safe to assume that at one point or another, you’ve felt they were being a little too…
Intrusive
Critical
Overbearing
Opinionated
Or even just downright cruel!
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
No matter how much you love your family, it’s safe to assume that at one point or another, you’ve felt they were being a little too…
Intrusive
Critical
Overbearing
Opinionated
Or even just downright cruel!
Let’s face it, family can be some of the most triggering people to be around. They often care about you and therefore have questions and opinions about intimate topics like your love life, kids, finances, and political beliefs.
Even if you love your folks, you may have the desire to get away from them, ignore them, or shut them down. The truth is, you can, and you can do it respectfully with boundaries. Here’s how:
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are limits you set in order to protect your wellbeing. They can apply to conversations you’re willing to engage in and how you let others treat you. Boundaries help preserve your emotional energy and show up in relationships as your best self, without resentment for those around you.
Examples of Boundaries
Boundaries exist in many different forms. For example, you may set verbal boundaries with a family member who “jokingly” makes fun of your partner for not having a college education by saying something like, “Phil and I are very proud that he opened his own auto body shop. Please do not make fun of his career.”
You can also set boundaries simply with your presence. If your family members are conversing about something that doesn’t align with your values, such as which diets each of them are currently on, you may decide to leave the room and go join the kids in the playroom for a while.
You can also combine these two types of boundaries by announcing that if something you’re uncomfortable with continues, you will leave. If you’ve already talked to your cousin about not using racist language around you, and he continues to do it anyways, consider setting a boundary by saying, “I am happy to attend family events at your house, but if you make racist jokes, I’m going to leave.”
One of the easiest ways to set boundaries with family members is to change the subject when an uncomfortable topic comes up. If your grandmother has a habit of asking you when you’re “finally going to settle down and get married,” try responding by saying, “I’ll let you know when that’s going to happen, but for now, I’d love to tell you about the trip I just went on!”
Finally, if a family member does something serious enough to cause physical or psychological harm, you may have to make the choice to distance yourself from them entirely. If your brother is constantly criticizing your son for having a lisp, don’t invite him to your son’s school spelling bee. If your aunt has a hoarding problem causing her home to be unsanitary, don’t accept her invitation to have lunch there. These boundaries may seem harsh, but there are a couple of reasons why enforcing them might not only be the healthiest, but also the most loving thing to do.
The Benefits of Boundaries
Boundaries help protect you from painful feelings, such as inadequacy, shame, and rage. Even if certain family members are difficult, setting and holding boundaries can help you enjoy your time around them as much as possible and act in a way that aligns with your values.
Although family members may struggle with your boundaries or take them personally, they are actually benefiting from them too. For example, the cousin who uses racist language and no longer sees you at his family events may finally realize that his behavior is unacceptable. Also, when family members choose to respect your boundaries, they are more likely to have positive experiences with you than if you were to not set boundaries and often feel frustrated around them.
Setting boundaries requires courage and may feel pushy or demanding at first, if you’re uncomfortable asserting yourself. However, boundaries ultimately help you feel respected and have positive interactions with family members you love but don’t always agree with.
If you believe setting boundaries with your family may be appropriate and would like more information on how to do so effectively, reach out to a counselor here at ELEVATED life counseling.
5 Reasons To Throw Away Your Scale Today
What would you say if a friend told you that every morning, you need to stop by their house before work, so they can look at you, assess whether or not you look fat, and tell you how you should feel about yourself for the rest of the day?
Crazy, right? Who would agree to such a thing!?
Every morning, millions of Americans do almost exactly this. They get out of bed and go directly to the bathroom scale, where a set of numbers will determine how confident, attractive, and successful they feel that day.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What would you say if a friend told you that every morning, you need to stop by their house before work, so they can look at you, assess whether or not you look fat, and tell you how you should feel about yourself for the rest of the day?
Crazy, right? Who would agree to such a thing!?
Every morning, millions of Americans do almost exactly this. They get out of bed and go directly to the bathroom scale, where a set of numbers will determine how confident, attractive, and successful they feel that day.
While diet culture may have convinced most of society that owning a bathroom scale is a part of staying healthy, weighing yourself may actually be unnecessary at best and prompt harmful, unhealthy behaviors at worst.
When working with clients who struggle with eating disorders or poor body image, getting rid of the bathroom scale is often one of the first steps I recommend. Here are 5 reasons why:
It’s Not Accurate Anyways
Most people who weigh themselves believe that they are measuring changes in their body fat. Really, the numbers appearing on the scale may be a reflection of water weight, muscle, or the weight of the food in your stomach. A scale alone has no way to tell.
Weight Is Not the Only Indicator of Health
Even if the scale did measure the amount of fat on your body, it still would not be an accurate representation of your health. The diet and fitness industries emphasize the importance of weight in overall health. However, there are many other factors that contribute to your health, such as your stress level and whether or not you smoke. Some research even indicates that individuals considered slightly overweight have lower health risks than their thinner counterparts.1,2
Genetics Play a Huge Role in Weight
According to diet culture, you are in control of your weight. If you just tried a little harder at the gym or ate a little healthier, you could have the body of your dreams. Body set point theory disagrees, stating that your body has a specific weight range it wants to stay within. If you go above or below that range, your body will employ physical and psychological mechanisms, such as making you hungrier, in order to bring you back to the set point it’s comfortable with.
If you’re feeling frustrated with an unchanging number on the scale, it might actually be a sign that your body is right where it needs to be. If that’s that case, why keep the scale?
Exercise Can Be Fun
Remember when you were a kid and you ran around and played sports just for fun? Exercising can feel that way now! When you mentally frame exercise as something you have to do, otherwise you’ll get fat (and ugly, lazy, and worthless according to diet culture), it loses its luster almost immediately. Without the pressure of having to hit a certain number on the scale, exercise can go back to being something energizing, relaxing, and even entertaining.
There Are Other Ways To Feel Confident
Regardless of how much you weigh, you can feel confident. I know- crazy- but very true. To find confidence in yourself at any body size, focus on things you’re good at, features you like about yourself, and positive relationships you have. You’ll likely find that when you take the focus off of your weight, confidence starts to show up more easily than you even thought possible.
In a society conditioned to put so much weight- no pun intended- in the number on a scale, deciding not to weigh yourself can feel scary, rebellious, or like a loss of control. Keep in mind that as long as you’re eating nutritious foods, eating all things in moderation, and moving in a way that feels good, your body will find its healthy, happy place, no scale required.
Getting Cheated on May Have Nothing to Do with You or Your Relationship: So What’s the Problem?
Imagine that you’re in a relationship, and one day, you discover that your partner was unfaithful. You might immediately ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?” or “What’s missing in this relationship that they had to go somewhere else to find?” Many people believe that if their partner cheats, it must be due to a shortcoming either in the relationship, sex, or worse- in themselves. But what if I told you that it’s possible none of those things were the problem?
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Imagine that you’re in a relationship, and one day, you discover that your partner was unfaithful. You might immediately ask yourself, “Am I not good enough?” or “What’s missing in this relationship that they had to go somewhere else to find?” Many people believe that if their partner cheats, it must be due to a shortcoming either in the relationship, sex, or worse- in themselves. But what if I told you that it’s possible none of those things were the problem?
Esther Perel, Belgian researcher, therapist, and relationship expert, describes in her book on infidelity, The State of Affairs, as well as in her viral TED Talk, “Rethinking Infidelity,” that there is much more to cheating than often meets the eye. Societally, we tend to think that only people who are unhappy in their relationships turn to infidelity. The truth is that even those in the happiest of relationships cheat, and it’s often for one of these two reasons:
Lost Identity
Perel tells a story in both The State of Affairs and her TED Talk about “Priya,” a woman who cheated on her husband with an arborist who came to remove a tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. Priya was happy. She had a good husband and a good marriage. That was the problem. Priya had always been good. She had always done what was expected of her. Sleeping with the tattooed arborist wasn’t about escaping her happy life. It was about escaping herself and her pristine identity, thus reclaiming the adolescence she felt she never had.
The same is true for many others in happy marriages. The rebellion of an affair feels youthful and free when the white picket fence goes from feeling comfortable to confining. In these cases, cheating isn’t as much about finding someone else as it is being someone else.
Life and Death
Perel also points out that many of her clients report cheating after experiencing some kind of loss, such as the death of a parent or a terminal diagnosis. Once satisfied with lives made up of dinner with the inlaws and children’s soccer games, an encounter with death leaves many asking, “Is this really all there is? Am I really going to live the rest of my life without the excitement of being with someone new again?”
When Perel asks her clients what it was like for them to stray, she often hears the same response: “I felt so alive.” The secrecy, desire, and danger of an affair create a recipe for adrenaline. The rush is one that years of marriage can only envy. When reminded of our own mortality, an affair seemingly grants access to life at its fullest and even feelings of transcendence. For many, infidelity appears to be what Perel calls “an antidote to deadness.”
I’ve Been Cheated On. What Do I Do?
As devastating as affairs can be, recovery is possible. Perel recommends avoiding the surface level questions many ask after being betrayed, such as, “Was she better in bed than me?” or, “Did he look like me?” Instead, get to the root of the affair by asking questions like, “What did this affair mean to you?”, “How did you feel while it was going on?”, and, “Who were you able to be in that relationship that you felt you could not be with me?”
The answers to these questions can shed light on the underlying feelings and motivations of the partner who cheated. They also open the door for you, the betrayed, to express how your identity is affected by the relationship, any grievances you may have been keeping secret, and what it takes for you to feel alive and invested in your relationship. While I would never recommend infidelity to a couple, exploring the causes of it after the fact can lead to new understandings of each other and even deeper levels of intimacy than ever before.
This Foolproof Strategy Can Help You Achieve Your 2021 Relationship Goals
Have you thought about your goals for 2021? After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless. Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Have you thought about your goals for 2021? After 2020 turned out to be completely different than anyone expected, setting goals for next year might feel pointless. Although no one knows for sure what will happen in 2021, setting achievable goals can help restore a healthy sense of purpose and control in your life.
If you’re single, you may be taking advantage of the current slump in the dating scene by dedicating more time to work. Or maybe you’re on the apps, looking for another brave soul who’s willing to bundle up for an outdoor coffee date. Whether your ultimate 2021 goal is to end up in a relationship or make a power move in your single life, there’s one strategy that is sure to work better than the rest.
Grab a notebook and pencil and keep reading to learn how to work towards your 2021 goals everyday, no matter what the year may hold.
The “Average Perfect Day” Method
Accomplishing a goal does not happen overnight. Achievement is something you have to work for little by little every day. Your habits might seem insignificant on their own, but over days, weeks, and months, they add up to dictate the direction of your life. Building habits that help you reach your goals starts with imagining what one “perfect” day in the journey would look like, then acting out elements of that day on a regular basis.
Step 1: Identify Your Dream
At this first stage, you don’t need to worry about being realistic. If you could have anything you wanted by the end of 2021, what would it be? An exclusive relationship? Six-figures? The sky’s the limit. Bonus points if you base your dream off your values or sense of purpose.
Step 2: Choose A Realistic End Goal
In order to feel motivated to work towards a goal, you need to know that it’s reachable. To decide on a realistic end goal, take into account the unpredictability of 2021 and ask yourself what you’re certain you can accomplish by the end of the year. Then, push it one step further. Research shows you’re more likely to feel motivated to work towards a goal you’re just shy of 100% sure you can achieve it.
Step 3: Plan Your Perfect Day
Visualize what it would look like for you to live one day in perfect alignment with your goal. Try asking yourself:
What time would I wake up?
What would I do in the morning?
What would I wear?
What would I listen to or watch?
How would my space look?
What kinds of activities would I engage in?
Who would I talk to?
What would I eat?
How much movement would I get?
What kind of thoughts would I have?
What would I do before bed?
What time would I go to sleep?
If your goal is to go on dates in hopes of beginning a relationship, you might include plenty of social activities to improve your chances of meeting a partner. If your goal is to go on a solo trip, your ideal day might include working on a side hustle to save extra money. The great thing about planning an average perfect day is that no matter what you hope to accomplish, there are simple things you can do each day to help increase your chances of success.
Step 4: Anticipate Change
Even without a pandemic, life is unpredictable. It’s important to leave room for change in your plans. This year, consider how your average perfect day might look different in the face of COVID restrictions. What are some substitute activities you can do if lockdowns or social gathering-limits take place? Consider making several average perfect day plans to account for changing circumstances.
Step 5: Live with Flexibility
After you’ve created your average perfect day plan, the final step is to live it out. Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect day. Very rarely will your days look exactly like the one you wrote out. The key is to regularly include elements from your plan into your daily life. That way, even if reaching your dream takes longer than you’d hoped, you can be sure that each day of 2021 was a step in the right direction.
Goal-setting before the beginning of a New Year can seem daunting. To work towards achievement and make sure that every day counts along the way, consider several different versions of how your average perfect day might look. Then be intentional about living out elements of ideal day everyday.
What are some of your dreams for 2021? Tell me on Instagram at @teawithmc or schedule a free phone consultation for help planning a fulfilling and successful year.
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You Can Have It All: Expert Secrets to Balancing Love and Your Career
Troubleshooting Your Goals: Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey
The Best Way to Handle Getting Hit Up by an Ex
You know that old saying, “They always come back”? Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere. In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex. And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
You know that old saying, “They always come back”? Always is quite an overstatement, but that saying definitely didn’t just come out of nowhere. In March, 25% of people reported receiving contact from an ex. And that was just the beginning of the pandemic.
Exes reach out for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes, they’re bored. Sometimes, they’re lonely. If you’re lucky, a few might even contact you to apologize for bad behavior in the past. Regardless of why you’re hearing from your ex, seeing them show up in your DMs is bound to raise a few emotions.
Top 3 Emotions You May Feel:
Anger- If your ex treated you poorly, or if you agreed to have no further communication, then reaching out can feel like a sign of disrespect. Anger might even take the form of pride or a desire for revenge. If you feel tempted to show off by ignoring or telling off your ex, you are likely harboring resentment underneath.
Sadness- Whether you were on the initiating or receiving side of the breakup, being reminded of an old relationship can hurt. Memories of the good and bad times you had together may start to come back. Getting hit up by an ex you were never really in love with might also be painful if it brings up guilt for not being able to reciprocate.
Hope- If you still have feelings for your ex, hearing from them might be exciting. Maybe you hope the two of you can get back together or at least resolve any unfinished business. Unfortunately, even if an ex reaches out and says hurtful things, you may still feel a sense of hope that somehow, you can work it out.
Getting a message from an ex feels different for everybody. There is no one answer for how to respond, unless your relationship included emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, in which case- block immediately. In order to best determine how to handle getting hit up by an ex, you must take several things into consideration.
Ask Yourself These Questions
What am I feeling?
The moment you realize your ex is trying to talk to you, you’ll probably feel a rush of different emotions. It’s hard to know what to do when you don’t yet understand exactly what you’re feeling. Take a deep breath, scan your body for clues about your feelings (like shallow breathing or a racing heart), and name them. You need to know what you’re feeling in order to be able to answer the next 2 questions.
How are my emotions influencing my decision?
Deciding whether or not to text your ex back is not easy when your emotions are on 10. Anger may tempt you to immediately send a defensive or even cruel response. If you’re sad or lonely, validation from an ex can feel like a quick fix. If you’ve been hoping to reignite the spark, be careful not to rush back into communication before weighing the consequences. Instead, take a step back and allow your emotions time to balance out with your logic.
How will responding impact me emotionally?
Responding to a message from your ex might sound like a good idea at first, but ask yourself how you’ll feel the moment after you send a text back. How about an hour after? How about next week? In some cases, talking to an ex for closure or resolution can help you feel at peace down the line, even if it brings about some initial sadness. In others, talking to your ex means going back to old patterns and feeling even worse than before.
Takeaways
Hearing from an ex can be infuriating, sad, and even exciting. Deciding whether or not to respond requires both self-awareness and foresight. Whether you’ve been contacted by an ex before or not, chances are it will happen to you at some point. When it does, remember to pause, check in with yourself, and make the decision that will serve you best not only right away, but in the long run.
You Can Have It All: Expert Secrets to Balancing Love and Your Career
If you are a career-driven person, you might be wondering if it’s possible to be successful at work while dating or maintaining a romantic relationship. Society constantly sends messages that make it seem like you have to choose one or the other. You can work, or you can be a mom. You can be a devoted husband, or you can travel for business. Our brains like this kind of “either-or” thinking because it makes information easy to categorize. However, in a world full of shades of grey, dichotomies like these are rarely ever true. You can, in all actuality, have both.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”
Lady Gaga
✦
“I can live without money, but I can’t live without love.”
Judy Garland
If you are a career-driven person, you might be wondering if it’s possible to be successful at work while dating or maintaining a romantic relationship. Society constantly sends messages that make it seem like you have to choose one or the other. You can work, or you can be a mom. You can be a devoted husband, or you can travel for business. Our brains like this kind of “either-or” thinking because it makes information easy to categorize. However, in a world full of shades of grey, dichotomies like these are rarely ever true. You can, in all actuality, have both.
Devoting energy to a satisfying love life and a thriving career takes work. When you aren’t taking intentional, proactive steps to maintain balance, one of the two can easily fall to the wayside. To find and hold onto love without having to sacrifice your career, follow these four crucial steps.
Clarify Your Goals
Before making any decisions, it’s important to clarify what you really want. Zeroing in on your goals will help you prioritize your time in a way that’s most likely to lead to fulfillment both relationally and career-wise. If you have a goal to be in a serious relationship by 30, and at the age of 28 you’re working 80-hour weeks with no time to date, you might need to make some changes, such as hiring an assistant, delegating tasks, or making a lateral move to a company that prioritizes its employees’ work-life balance. Knowing specifically what you want empowers you to think creatively about how you can remove roadblocks along the way.
Communicate Expectations
One major reason couples experience dissatisfaction in relationships is because they do not effectively communicate their expectations. If you’re someone who likes to prioritize your career during the week and socialize only on the weekends, a person who wants to spend 3 full days per week together is probably not the right match for you, and you’re both better off knowing that right from the start. The good news- there is likely someone out there who has preferences similar to yours. When you communicate your expectations, you increase your chances of finding a person who meets them.
Set Boundaries
When you’re really passionate about something, like work or the person you’re dating, it’s easy to push the limits on how much time you’re willing to dedicate to it. If you have the urge to spend extra time working or with your partner, that’s great! It only becomes a problem if the time you’re spending on one area of your life compromises your goals in another. Decide how much of your time you want to spend on work and how much you want to save for your romantic life. Then, stick to your decision, knowing that doing so will help you achieve a fulfilling and balanced lifestyle.
Be Present
Whether you’re spending time with your significant other or at the office, eliminate as many distractions as possible. Keep your phone out of sight on dates to prevent anxiety over work calls or emails. When you’re working, turn off notifications for your social media accounts. Staying present will help you be more productive at work or connected during a date. Also, when you’re engaged in the present moment, you’re more likely to enjoy whatever it is you’re doing.
Contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to have a satisfying love life along with a successful career. While this might not happen totally naturally, you can actively take steps to promote happiness with both aspects of your life. Next time you find yourself thinking that you have to give up one passion in order to live out another, think again. The question isn’t “Can I do this?” The question is “How?”
Troubleshooting Your Goals: Lessons from a Therapist’s Career Journey
I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was. The human experience has always fascinated me. When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes. I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above. Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true. She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
I have had a passion for psychology since I knew what it was. The human experience has always fascinated me. When asked why I became a mental health counselor, I often share a funny anecdote I remember about when the local high school counselor came to my middle school to talk to us 8th graders about selecting our 9th grade classes. I remember seeing in the course handbook that Introduction to Psychology was only allowed for sophomores and above. Hoping this was some kind of misprint, I raised my hand and asked the visiting counselor if this was really true. She confirmed, and I, disappointed and determined, resolved that at the end of my freshman year, I would be the first to sign up.
Sure enough, at the end of the next year, I filled out my course request form, turned it in immediately, and beamed when I received my schedule for the next year. There it was, Intro to Psychology, 2nd period. The rest is history.
Having to wait until my sophomore year of high school to take my first psychology class was only one of the roadblocks I faced while working towards my current career. In fact, when this all happened, I had no idea that I would end up where I am now. I admit, becoming a mental health counselor was a thought in the back of my mind, but at that point, there was still a long road ahead of me.
I ended up pursuing a Bachelor’s of Science in Special Education and spent my first two years out of college teaching high school World Studies. By the end of my first year, I was already thinking about going back to school, get a master’s degree, and becoming a therapist for young adults dealing with a lot of the same issues I was handling at the time. In order to accomplish this goal, I had to resign from my first career, select a master’s program that aligned with my goals, get rejected from my dream school, and hustle my way through 2016-2019 in the service industry while I worked on my degree.
Plenty of times, I stumbled, got lost, and had to reassess my roadmap along the way. Here are some troubleshooting questions I asked myself during the times I felt stuck:⠀⠀
1. Is what I’m currently doing leading me towards what I ultimately want out of life?
Before solidifying my decision to make the jump from teaching to counseling, I had to seriously think about this. I realized that I was working in a field that would never bring me the income, schedule flexibility, opportunity to use my entrepreneurial skills, or career autonomy that I knew I wanted. I had to ultimately decide that it was time to make a change, even though I knew it would mean struggling hard for 2.5 years.
2. How motivated am I?
Sometimes, not very. I applied to one university for undergrad, and I chose it because I didn’t have to write an essay (my 17 year-old self was not having it 😂.). At the age of 22, I still hated filling out applications, so I put it off for a while. In order to begin working towards my goal, I had to find the willingness to sit down, complete applications, collect letters of recommendation, figure out how to work a fax machine, and yes, write a few essays. The interesting thing about this is that I never wanted, per se, to do any of it. What I wanted was my dream career. By focusing on the bigger picture, I was able to harness the energy and drive to take the necessary steps forward, even though not all of them were particularly enjoyable.
3. Are my goals realistic?
I thought they were! Then, after getting rejected from a very prestigious grad program, I had to grieve my dream and adjust my expectations. I got good grades in undergrad, but I did no extracurriculars. Getting into a top-10 school was likely not going to be in the cards for me. Instead, I found an incredible program that also saved me at least $100,000. Turns out the original goal I had might have fed my ego and starved my bank account. Getting rejected and having to adjust my expectations for what my path would look like was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
4. Am I taking care of myself?
Sometimes, I wasn’t. Being in grad school and working in the service industry meant staying up very late, which I found was not working for me. I was losing motivation, resenting my school work, and just not enjoying the process. I found a service industry job with hours that allowed me to stay focused on school and self-care. Changing jobs was not ideal in the middle of an already-stressful semester, but if I hadn’t done so, I might have ended up burning out before even beginning my career.
5. What do I need to focus on now?
Like I said, I am obsessed with psychology. During grad school, I often felt frustrated because I didn’t have the time to go to mental health conferences around the country or spend hours everyday recreationally browsing the latest research on dating apps. Instead, I made a promise to myself that after graduation, I would spend time every week reading about the issues that were important to my clients. For the rest of my school career, I focused on each assignment, one at a time. I made a point to find the value in all of them, even if some didn’t seem directly related to the population I eventually wanted to work with. I did something I often encourage my clients to do when facing disillusionment about how far away from their ultimate goal they currently are: I embraced the “now.” As a result, I not only learned a lot of really great technical information that I likely would not have looked up on my own, I also enjoyed learning it a lot more than I would have if I kept lamenting about not being able to do more self-directed tasks.
The truth is the bigger your dreams are, the more walls you will likely hit along the way. These barriers are not reasons to quit! Breaking down, going around, and jumping over the obstacles that come up along your path to success helps you build resilience and grit. The more you overcome, the more confident you become in your ability to succeed despite whatever challenges life may throw at you next.
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How Home Decorating Improves Your Mental Health
What do home decorating and mental health have in common? According to experts, a lot! Most obviously, decorating is a form of self-expression. Color and pieces of art can be used to express emotions or interests. Pictures of friends and sentimental objects in a home reflect values and what is important to the person who lives there.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
What do home decorating and mental health have in common? According to experts, a lot! Most obviously, decorating is a form of self-expression. Color and pieces of art can be used to express emotions or interests. Pictures of friends and sentimental objects in a home reflect values and what is important to the person who lives there.
Interestingly, decor works the opposite way, too. In addition to being an external projection of your unique inner world, the aesthetic of your home impacts your emotional and energetic state. Different colors, textures, items, and layouts can inspire emotions such as calmness or playfulness while simultaneously reminding us of certain memories, goals, or ideals.
Historically, home was a place to rest, recharge, and spend time with loved ones. Now, because of COVID-related office closures, it is also where many of us conduct business. Creating a home that fosters peace, as well as energy and focus, is now more important than ever.
Space
The first rule of thumb when decorating is to account for space. Studies show that clutter is associated with stress, higher cortisol levels, and decreased life satisfaction. Our brains much prefer moderate visual complexity- seeing enough to stimulate the brain without overwhelming it. Make sure each area you decorate allows for easy movement around the room, organization of your belongings, and enough negative space to allow the eyes and brain to rest.
One problem City residents often face is the size of their homes. Studio apartments can be as snug as 200 square feet, providing barely enough room for a bed, dining table, and chairs, let alone decorative objects that evoke emotion. Rather than trying to fit everything you own into your small space, look at tiny-living as an opportunity to simplify. Sort through your belongings, keeping only what has sentimental value or inspires the kind of emotions you want to feel in your home.
Color
The next thing to take into account is color. You can Google information about which colors create which mood, but the truth is, it’s different for everybody. Red, for example, is a color that creates feelings of energy and power for some but might feel stressful or overstimulating to others. This is because our associations between color and emotions are largely made up of our past experiences, including both happy times and traumas. If your grandma had green couches, you might love green. Someone else might associate it with the color of their orthodontist’s waiting room.
Choose colors that feel good to you. Pull up Pinterest and notice the emotions and physical sensations (faster heartbeat, butterflies in stomach) that come up as you look at different home decor color schemes. As much as you can, try to forget what you “should” be attracted to or what’s trendy at the moment. Just notice how your body and mind react to different looks.
Texture
Texture is also very subjective. Soft and fluffy can be comforting, warm, and even chic, but can also border on childish or elderly (grandma’s couch). Sleek textures feel expensive and clean but might also seem a bit boring or sterile. It’s all in the eye of the beholder. Like with color, choose the textures that inspire positive memories and emotions in order to feel the most at peace in your home. If you like soft, plush textures, experiment with fur, chunky blankets, and luxurious towels. If you prefer sleek, try stainless steel appliances, glass surfaces, and metallics. If you like both, mix the two. There are no rules!
Personalization
This is where it gets fun- the individual items. Furniture, pillows, lamps, plants, artwork...so many opportunities to play with elements like space, color, and texture. This is where your place really becomes yours.
It’s important to decorate with pieces that speak to you. When you’re shopping for decor, you’ll probably like a lot of what you’ll see. Just wait. Look for decor that reflects both who you are and how you want to feel inside your home. Shop slowly, and before buying anything, ask yourself, “How will seeing this in my _______ (bedroom, living room, etc.) impact my emotional state?”
When you do buy, always check the store’s return policy and hang on to your receipt. After placing a new piece of decor in your home, you might realize it doesn’t help create the thoughts or feelings you thought it would. That’s okay. Return it, get the money back, and buy something else that feels amazing.
Try This
Recently, I discovered a podcast episode about the impact of home decor on mental health. The podcast is called The Suga, and the episode, which features design guru Justina Blakeney, is called “Creating a Vibe in Your Home with Justina Blakeney.”
In the show, Blakeney recommends identifying the emotions you want to feel when you’re inside your home. Next, close your eyes and picture a time when you felt this way. Notice the colors, textures, and objects you see in this memory, and incorporate them into your home decor as a way to replicate the emotional experience.
Home decorating is about much more than making your living space look good. It’s about creating a home that both reflects and inspires you. It’s fun, creative, and when done right, an act of self-care. What’s your design style? Tell me on Instagram: @therapywithmaryclaire
Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
When Christian clients reach out to me looking for faith-based counseling, I typically find that they are looking for a place where they can do one of three things: 1) process major life decisions with spiritual implications, such as getting married; 2) talk about day-to-day issues, such as work stress or dating, through a spiritual perspective; or 3) explore their values in the context of their beliefs, often when personal values and scripture seem to be conflicting.
Many also reach out because although they may not always want to discuss topics that are particularly spiritual, they find it easier to talk about their lives with someone who already speaks their language. For example, telling your therapist you went out with your Small Group, can be cumbersome if you have to pause and explain what a Small Group is. Especially if you say something like, “So after the service, my Small Group and I went to the worship leader’s house for fellowship.” Sometimes, it’s just easier to work with someone who has the right background knowledge.
Before taking on anyone new, I always explain my limitations. I am not a pastor. I haven’t been to theology school. I have a master’s degree in counseling, and while I can help you process what you believe, I do not have the knowledge to give advice or clarification on scripture. I have no authority to tell you what is right or wrong, nor do I have the ethical ability to.
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, my superpower is different. I can help you untangle all of the thoughts, emotions, values, behaviors, and beliefs that impact your spiritual health. I can help you understand your faith journey and its relationship with your mental health. I can help you dissect problems and find practical solutions that align with your unique values. I can offer you non-judgmental emotional support as you go through all of life’s struggles and make complicated decisions. If you’re looking for spiritual direction, I can help you find a theological professional who can offer additional support where my area of expertise ends.
Faith-based counseling sessions are safe, confidential spaces where clients can talk about anything. Some popular topics discussed in Christian counseling include:
Dating: identifying your needs, values in dating, breakups, dating apps, marriage
Sex: boundaries, building intimacy, sexual shame, sex drive, sexual orientation
Work: stress, burnout, serving, passion, purpose, success
Leisure: work-life balance, building community, social media
Trauma: shame, abuse, family of origin issues
Clients who seek faith-based counseling can talk about spirituality as much or as little as they please during sessions. There is no minimum requirement. Faith could be the center of your life or something on the back burner. Counselors will meet you where you are. If you’re interested in more information about faith-based counseling, reach out to maryclaire@elevatedlifecounseling.com. All are welcome.
A Little Party Never Killed Nobody...Right?
Around this time every year, young adults pack their bags and head off to college for nine months of research, writing, and unsupervised fun. Of course, this year is different. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many universities have decided to hold classes remotely, thus limiting opportunities for any kind of hanging out on campus. Similarly, nightlife, live music events, and Chicago’s well-known street festivals have all been put on hold.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Around this time every year, young adults pack their bags and head off to college for nine months of research, writing, and unsupervised fun. Of course, this year is different. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, many universities have decided to hold classes remotely, thus limiting opportunities for any kind of hanging out on campus. Similarly, nightlife, live music events, and Chicago’s well-known street festivals have all been put on hold.
The party scene has taken a hit this year. Meeting in groups is discouraged. Nevertheless, young people, much like those of the Prohibition Era, have found ways to work around restrictions. Now that bars are closed, house parties are making a rise.
Health officials are worried about the spread of COVID-19 among these modern-day speakeasies, but the virus itself isn’t the only thing to fear. Another danger is in our midst, and quarantine is only making it worse.
Substance abuse has always been an issue. Opium, the ancient cousin of today’s heroin, has recorded use dating as far back as 10,000 years ago. Psychedelics were big in the 60s, cocaine in the 80s, and today, painkillers are the third most commonly-used drug by Millennials, following alcohol and cannabis. Cocaine use, too, is the highest it’s been in a decade.
Substance abuse causes more deaths per year than any other preventable health condition. One in four deaths is attributable to either alcohol, nicotine, or legal/illegal narcotics. The opioid epidemic has received recent attention. Synthetic narcotics (mainly fentanyl) are responsible for the majority of drug overdoses in America. Prescription opioids and cocaine nearly tie, with only a 309 person difference, for second place. Alcohol-related deaths top all three combined.
As policy makers try to stop the spread of COVID-19, rates of substance use continue to rise. Alcohol sales have seen a 250% increase since March. Overdose rates are surging.
It makes sense. In a time of crisis, drugs and alcohol provide temporary relief. Isolation during quarantine can worsen anxiety and depression, both risk factors for substance abuse.
House parties present another set of risks because none of the protective measures taken in bars are in place. There is no bartender who can cut you off when you’ve had too much to drink and no security staff who can call for emergency help if needed. Drugs can be used with less restriction.
Working with young adults means having a lot of conversations about alcohol and drugs. I am often asked if I pass judgment on those who abuse them. The short answer is “no”. The long answer starts with, “...but I am concerned.”
The world of mind-altering substances is complex. Different substances have different effects on different people. Certain kinds produce greater risks than others according to different amounts. Psychoactive substances have cultural and historical roots and can be life-enhancing when used appropriately. They can also be deadly.
Grazia, a UK pop culture and lifestyle magazine, interviewed Millennial women who practice healthy lifestyles overall but admit to using cocaine on the weekends. These women stated that they feel cocaine is relatively harmless because it can be done in small amounts, which feels easy to excuse, and does not have any calories.
The popularity of a substance has an impact on its perceived risk. Popular drugs lend themselves to the “everybody’s doing it” mentality. If everyone’s doing it, it must be okay. The problem with this logic is that the popularity of a drug is more indicative of one’s environment than of the drug itself.
Mac Miller’s 2018 death drew attention to the danger of impure substances after he overdosed on oxycodone laced with fentanyl. An investigation revealed that the rapper purchased the counterfeit pills along with cocaine and Xanax. Many were concerned that if Mac Miller, famous and likely to buy from only the “best” dealers, could purchase laced drugs, so could they.
These things must be considered when one is deciding whether or not to try any particular drug. Even caffeine can have startling effects. I encourage all my clients to be mindful of what they choose to put in their bodies, even if the truth is scary.
When it comes to drugs and alcohol, consider me a harm-reductionist. While I don’t necessarily advocate for complete abstinence, I encourage clients to do a thorough amount of quality research on drugs of interest and ask themselves the following questions:
Values
How does using this substance align with your morals?
Do you have any spiritual or religious beliefs about using this substance?
Education
What possible benefits does this substance present?
What risks?
What are the side effects?
What are your sources of information?
Safety
How are you getting the substance?
How do you know its purity (testing kit, alcohol % on bottle)?
In what circumstances are you using it (environment, safety measures, designated driver)?
How much are you ingesting?
Patterns
How often do you use the substance?
How much control do you have over your use?
What have your past experiences with the substance been like?
Do you notice any external factors that impact your use (stress, life transitions, triggers)?
Since the 2013 edition of The Great Gatsby, the phrase “A Little Party Never Killed Nobody”- originally the lyrics to a soundtrack title by Fergie- has risen to fame. I encourage 2020 party goers to question this. Parties can be great. Fun is so important. But it is never worth your life. To turn a blind eye to the dangers of chemical substances, is to do ourselves, our loved ones, and those personally affected by substance abuse a disservice.
Party responsibly- alcohol, drugs, and Coronavirus considered.
Too Much of a Good Dream
Everybody has their vice. For some, it’s plush covers and fluffy pillows. Sleep, one of mental health’s most important ingredients, can be overdone like anything else.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Everybody has their vice. For some, it’s plush covers and fluffy pillows. Sleep, one of mental health’s most important ingredients, can be overdone like anything else.
Forbes revealed that Millennials sleep an average of 25 minutes longer per night than the average American. Enough sleep (about 7 to 9 hours per night) can result in greater productivity, health benefits, and better cognitive performance. Too much sleep can lead to serious risks.
According to the American Heart Association, women who spent two or more hours catching up on sleep, or “binge sleeping” during the weekend were likely to have poorer cardiovascular health than those who did not. Instead, the Association advises keeping a regular schedule. Go to sleep and wake up at the same times each day, and try not to change your sleeping habits too drastically on the weekends.
Positive mental health outcomes are also highly connected to sleep. Oversleeping is both a symptom and a cause of anxiety and depression. Too much sleeping results in lower productivity, causing anxiety that leads to lesser quality of sleep, so the cycle goes on.
Much like physicians, mental health experts typically recommend maintaining a sleep schedule. When you form a routine, you tell your body what to expect everyday. Waking up at 7am no longer feels excruciating, it feels normal. Grogginess decreases, focus deepens, and not only quantity, but also quality of work improves.
If you’ve ever hit the snooze button one or six too many times in the morning, you know the impact it can have on your day. Suddenly, everything feels rushed. The day turns into a game of catch-up. You go to sleep feeling exhausted and, on the really bad days, unaccomplished.
Sleep feels incredible, but one has to ask, is it worth it? This is not a straightforward answer. If you’re wondering if you oversleep or undersleep with intermittent binges to pay back your “sleep debt”, ask yourself these questions:
What is your sleep schedule doing for you?
What is it costing you?
Which is most important to you?
If your bedtime is more like a guideline, you might really enjoy an extra hour awake at night and a few hits of the snooze button in the morning. Maybe the cost is relatively low! However, if you find you’re consistently running late, underperforming at work, or feeling rushed, oversleeping might be part of the problem.
Here’s how values play into this: Spending an extra hour with a friend at night might be worth a groggy morning. One more episode of a show you’ve seen ten times might not be worth missing a deadline. Determining the cost of something requires understanding your values and priorities.
Waking up at a consistent time every morning relies on going to sleep at the same time every night. To align your sleep schedule, first choose a bedtime that will typically allow you between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night. Then, choose a wakeup time that makes the most sense for you within that 7 to 9 hour range.
Next, plan necessary activities throughout your week, followed by optional ones. Leave room for spontaneity and flexibility. Rigidity is a quick killer of routines. Give yourself permission to make cancellations when necessary for mental health reasons, sleep included.
Allow your body about three weeks to adjust, and then observe the outcomes. A regular sleep schedule just might be your key to the next level.
Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do? If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared. Maybe this has even happened to you in real life! Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first. Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do? If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared. Maybe this has even happened to you in real life! Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first. Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.
Now, ask yourself this: Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself? This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.
In American society, education is valued. Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities. Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information. In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.
Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first. However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.
Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs. The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.
No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on. Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network. Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself. At some point, you have to jump.
Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising. Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process. Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most. You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure. Failure makes a great teacher. It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off. So why avoid it?
Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready. Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way. Start going to classes anyways. Learn about what you like and don’t like. Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera. You can buy a new one later. Stop waiting for everything to be perfect. It never will be. Instead, just start. Take a leap of faith. Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.
Beginner's Guide to Therapy
So you’re thinking about talking to someone. Great! Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while and now all the crap that 2020 has had to offer has pushed you to take the step. You’re feeling ready (or at least willing) to start the journey and work on things that might have been piling up for years. If this is you, I commend you for your courage.
By Erinn Williams, LCPC
So you’re thinking about talking to someone. Great! Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for a while and now all the crap that 2020 has had to offer has pushed you to take the step. You’re feeling ready (or at least willing) to start the journey and work on things that might have been piling up for years. If this is you, I commend you for your courage.
Understandably, you might have some nerves going through this process. It’s not every day that you talk to a complete stranger about some of the most painful parts of your life. Here are some things to keep in mind if you are starting or returning to therapy.
Determine what you want to get out of it
One misconception about therapy is that you’ll be doing it for life once you start. While some clients love self-reflection, that’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Determine what you want to get out of your therapy experience. If you are entering therapy because you enjoy learning more about yourself, even if it’s painful, then therapy may become a form of self-care that you do every week for years. On the other hand, if you would like extra support for something that is currently stressing you out, be open with your therapist about that. Don’t feel like you have to keep digging just for the sake of digging. It is completely up to you.
The right fit matters
Though it can be time consuming at first, finding the right therapist is important and can save you many hours in the long run. Some clients prefer to shop around a bit before settling on one therapist. The right fit matters because when things get tough in the therapy room you need to trust that your therapist knows you well enough to know when to push you and when to back off. When you are being pushed you know it’s because your therapist cares. You can tell there is a good fit when you feel comfortable enough talking about difficult topics. If you don’t jive with your therapist, it can often feel like a waste of an hour each week. Spend the time at the beginning ensuring that you like your therapist and feel they understand you.
Allow time to build the relationship
Once you’ve found a good fit, give the process time for the relationship to build. Like any other relationship, a therapeutic relationship takes time to fortify. I typically experience a change in the closeness of my therapeutic bonds with clients after about 8 sessions. It’s not that good work can’t happen before 8 sessions, but usually by then you both have a feel for each other and you may be willing to take more risks. Speaking of taking risks...
Take risks...but at the pace you’re comfortable with
The risks you take will be determined by what you are working on in therapy. For some, it might look like showing up to a session without a mental list of things to tell your therapist, and instead seeing how the session unfolds without a roadmap. It might be being honest with certain thoughts, feelings, or behaviors you’ve been experiencing. It might look like advocating for what you need in the therapy room. Whatever taking risks look like to you, it’s worth pushing yourself to take them in the service of growth. However, there is no need to push yourself so hard that you dread going to therapy each week. If you’re finding that progress is fairly consistent, chances are you are taking appropriate risks within the work.
The initial relief you feel doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “cured”
It usually takes people several months of thinking about going to therapy before they actually make their first appointment. Within those several months, stress piles up and so it’s natural to feel immediate relief when you begin to talk through the stress with a professional. After a few sessions some people begin to feel so much better that they think they don’t need therapy anymore.
There are a couple things to think about here. The first is that simply talking about stress feels good in the moment, but it might not actually change your reaction to stress in the long run. You’ll want to stay in therapy long enough to get the tools to manage that stress in the future. The second thing to consider is that life might be working better because you have that hour a week to yourself for therapy. In the same way that we need consistent exercise for our bodies to function well, you may need consistent reflection for your mental health to function well. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll need to be in therapy forever, but it may be an indication that you’ll want to incorporate some form of personal development into your weekly routine.
Though starting therapy may be slightly scary at first, it’s often worth it. Stop hesitating and start prioritizing your mental and emotional health.
Resources:
Psychology Today and Zencare list professionals in your area, their specialties, and their rates. Don’t have insurance and can’t pay a full fee? Check out Open Path Collective where you’ll see a list of therapists offering a sliding scale. Or contact Mary Claire Schibelka or Erinn Williams here at ELC for a phone consultation.
In Defense of Caffeine
Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular. Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular. Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.
Also intrigued by essential oils, alkaline water, and yoga, Millennials appear to be pursuing wellness with more fervor than past generations. For many, caffeine intake is a concern due to its often debated impacts on physical and mental health.
No doubt, caffeine can have its consequences. When overused, it can cause symptoms like insomnia and anxiety. Caffeine can also have addictive properties similar to those of less socially-accepted drugs. Heavy coffee drinkers can experience withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, depression, strong cravings, and irritability after skipping only one morning of java. Caffeine also has a tolerance-building effect, much like alcohol, which requires users to consume more in order to feel its desired effects.
The unpleasant side-effects of too much caffeine can seem scary, causing some to avoid it altogether. According to a report by the American Psychological Association, however, when used in moderation, caffeine actually may contribute to desirable mental health outcomes.
One study cited in the report found after following over 50,000 nurses for almost 25 years that those who drank at least four cups of coffee per day were 20 percent less likely to experience depression than those who drank little to no coffee. Similarly, a study of 43,000 men determined that drinking 2 to 3 cups of joe per day is correlated with a 50 percent reduced risk of suicide. Caffeine is also associated with cognitive benefits such as alertness, increased memory ability, and quicker reaction times.
A 2017 Harvard Medical School report cited studies declaring that 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of physical health conditions including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson’s disease, cirrhosis, and gout. While dated research indicated that coffee might cause certain types of cancer, these claims have since been refuted, causing the World Health Organization to remove coffee from its list of potentially carcinogenic foods in 2016. In fact, newer research suggests that coffee might actually reduce the risk of certain types of cancer and increase one’s lifespan by up to 15%.
This is great news to those who enjoy a hit- or four- of daily caffeine, but is it reason enough to give into every craving? According to the Food and Drug Administration, a daily consumption of 400 milligrams of caffeine or less is considered safe. This equates to about 3 or 4 cups of home-brewed coffee or one venti Starbucks brewed coffee. Any more, and you’re at risk of experiencing side effects and even entering the “Caffeine Use Disorder” zone, made note of in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) and trademarked by unsuccessful efforts to reduce consumption, use despite harm, and withdrawal.
While moderate caffeine consumption has been deemed permissible and even beneficial, those who don’t currently partake need not begin. Caffeine is not a requirement for an alert and healthy life. A regular sleep schedule, hydration, and consistent intake of nutrients through food are sufficient to achieve the same results as those of a caramel macchiato.
Current coffee connoisseurs, rest assured that you can continue to imbibe without guilt. Use good judgment by noticing how your body reacts to each serving of caffeine, and pour out the pot when you think you’ve hit your limit. Practice moderation, drink mindfully, and as always, enjoy life’s simple pleasures, lattes included.