Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.

Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.

The Do’s and Dont’s of Talking to Kids About Sex

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

As a parent, you know the conversation about the birds and the bees will happen eventually.  Understandably, talking to kids about sex can be awkward and difficult.  It’s hard to provide accurate and age-appropriate ways of explaining such an intimate act.  The conversation about sex is one that a lot of parents dread and some parents avoid completely.  

I know many parents have probably countless books on the best way to parent their child.  Whether you’re reading about attachment parenting, using positive reinforcement with your child, or navigating a blended family system, unfortunately, a lot of these books don’t include this important topic.  Let this be a start to thinking about how you can best help your child learn about sex.

DO: Start early  

DON’T: Wait until they’re older

Did you know that in some countries in Europe they begin sex education at the age of 4 (keep in mind this is age-appropriate material). Given the statistics about European’s sexual experiences later on - waiting longer to have sex for the first time than Americans, fewer STIs, and more reports of positive first-time experiences - we can see that this is a positive way to handle sex.  

It can feel more comfortable to wait until your child asks, but what if they don’t ask?  Be proactive and plan times to sit down and talk about it with them.  You don’t have to cover all aspects of sex in one conversation.  Split it up into multiple conversations.  This conveys the message that you are open to talking about sex and if they ever have questions, you’re available.

If you’re waiting for your school’s sex education classes to take effect, keep in mind that only 13 states mandate that sex ed be medically accurate and informed by up-to-date research.  I wouldn’t rely solely on sex ed at school.  

DO: Use correct language  

DON’T: Dumb it down

When talking to your child about sex, use the correct words: vulva, vagina, penis, testicals.  Do not use words like “wee-wee” or “hoo-ha” because it is confusing for children.  It also provides the message that these words are bad or uncomfortable.  You may feel uncomfortable saying them and that’s okay, but the words themselves are not uncomfortable.

DO: Talk about pleasure 

DON’T: Talk only about biological functions

A common trap for parents is to lean on the explanation of where babies come from and feel like the job is done. While that is important information, most sexual experiences (not to mention, most initial sexual experiences) are not for procreation, but rather are for pleasure.  It can be confusing for them to feel certain pleasures their genitalia may provide and not have an understanding of it.  Additionally, ignoring the pleasure of sex can convey a shaming message early on: that sex is only meant for procreation and the rest we don’t talk about.  If you’re hoping to have an open, sex positive household, don’t skip the concept of pleasure.

DO: Talk about consent early & often  

DON’T: Assume they know

Making sure your child understands consent is incredibly important.  When talking to your child about sex, discuss that it is important to ask for consent, listen for consent, look for consent, and to empower your child to say yes and no depending on how they feel.  It can be discussed in a variety of contexts not just sex: discussing a platonic hug while greeting, checking to see if a friend would like to play at the playground, or reviewing “stranger danger.”      

DO: Be yourself, even if you’re uncomfortable  

DON’T: Pretend to be an expert  

Kids are smart and can read nonverbal cues well.  If they sense that you are trying to hide your discomfort, they will know and likely begin to feel uneasy themselves.  Just be yourself.  It’s okay to acknowledge that sex isn’t always the easiest conversation to have, but that it’s important. In this humorous video parents trying to have the sex talk with their kids, we can see and relate to these parents struggling through it.  Don’t hold yourself to the standard of cool, calm and collected.  Just be yourself.

Tending to Pain in Others and Yourself

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Emotional wounds, or deep-seated psychological and emotional pain, can develop in a number of ways.  Some wounds happen immediately, such as after witnessing the death of a friend.  Others develop over time as a result of repeated experiences like parental neglect, unhealthy relationships, and systemic racism.  

Emotional wounds impact the way we perceive and interact with the world around us, yet they can often go undetected, even by ourselves.  Internalizing and externalizing behaviors often show up as a result of emotional pain but to the untrained eye can often be excused as personality traits like shyness or aggression.  Instead of dismissing or shaming ourselves and others, we can learn to recognize the following four symptoms as alarm bells signaling the existence of pain and the need for healing.

Resentment

Imagine you have plans to meet a friend for coffee at 4pm.  It’s 3:45, and she texts you saying she’s going to be late because she’s stuck in traffic.  Immediately, the boiling feeling of anger washes over you and you find yourself thinking, “Wow, she really doesn’t know how to plan effectively, does she?  How immature.”  That’s resentment.

While resentment may easily be mistaken for a bad attitude, it could be a sign of pain below the surface.  When examined more closely, anger about a friend being late to a get-together might be related to feelings of loneliness caused by your mother being late to pick you up from school each day, or maybe you were repeatedly shamed for being late as a child, causing you a great deal of embarrassment.

Retreat

While alone-time can be a great way to recharge, especially for introverts, ongoing social withdrawal is a telltale sign of depression and can also be associated with anxiety, eating disorders, trauma, and addiction.  Next time you feel like cancelling plans or turning down an invite, ask yourself why.  If you notice friends beginning to retreat, get curious about their reasons.  They could be struggling emotionally.  Also, remember that it is often painful and possibly even retraumatizing for people from marginalized groups to be in spaces where nobody else shares a similar identity.

Lashing Out

When we experience trauma, our brains enter fight, flight, or freeze mode.  Repeated trauma can cause our brains and bodies to get “stuck” in fight mode, therefore causing verbal and physical combativeness as a form of self-protection.  What one might perceive as a relatively small or insignificant event can trigger a trauma response, therefore resulting in what can seem like a disproportionate reaction.  For instance, a person who lost a friend in a car accident might exhibit an explosive amount of road rage after being cut off by another driver on the highway.

Demands

To an emotionally wounded person, making demands can seem like the only way to achieve a desired outcome.  In certain situations, this is healthy and necessary, such as when an oppressed group of people demands justice and fair treatment.  At other times, making demands can be harmful.  For instance, if you were cheated on in a past relationship, demanding that your partner let you go through his or her phone will likely cause trouble without doing much to resolve past hurts.  Either way, demands are often responses to emotional pain and fear of further suffering.

Caring for Emotional Wounds

Like physical wounds, emotional wounds tend to heal over time when properly treated.  When left unrecognized, they can fester, resulting in broken relationships and continuation or deepening of pain.  Talking about emotional wounds can be difficult, and ignoring our pain can be a seductive alternative, but like physical wounds, the only way to heal an emotional wound is to notice it, ask for help, and clean it out.

Although it can feel scary, asking friends how they are doing if you’ve noticed the behaviors above might be exactly what they need.  Having someone see their struggles can feel like a huge relief and lift the burden of them having to come to you.  Like when you make yourself available for a friend, naming your own pain is a way to give yourself compassion and practice self-care.  If you are struggling with difficult emotions, get curious about them.  Ask yourself where they might be coming from and if there is an even deeper root to them.

Often, when someone is facing painful emotions, advice and reassurance are not as helpful as the simple act of listening.  If you are seeking to be an ally or support somebody going through a difficult time, refrain from giving your opinion or offering solutions.  Instead, listen with compassion and express a genuine interest in learning more about the other person’s experience.  If you are the person in pain, allow others to hear you, even if they don’t have all the right answers.  A burden feels lighter when you aren’t carrying it alone.

There are certain situations in which action is necessary.  Some examples include dismantling systemic racism and getting out of an abusive relationship.  After allowing friends to share their experiences with you, ask them what you are able to do to help.  When working to heal your own emotional wounds, ask yourself what action steps you need to take and what friends and other people you trust can do to support you.

The Power of Time

Many emotional wounds were not developed in a day, and likewise, they will take time to heal.  As you venture down the path of healing your own emotional wounds or supporting friends as they navigate their own, practice patience and compassion.  Manage your expectations of the healing process by acknowledging that healing is not linear.  Go easy on yourself and others when imperfections arise.  Most importantly, celebrate the small victories, believing that eventually, they will amount to progress much greater than you ever thought possible.

Love in the Time of Eco-Anxiety

It all started with trying to save money on paper towels.  My husband and I noticed how many paper towels we were using every week and thought it would be an interesting experiment to see if we could go without.  We cut up old t-shirts for rags and increased the amount of cloth towels hanging in our kitchen. It only took a week or so to realize that it wasn’t nearly as difficult as we'd thought it would be and, in addition to saving us money, it was way better for the environment.  That was the start…

Over the next couple of years I slowly started recognizing more ways in which we were overconsuming and began swapping in the more eco-friendly solution.  I realized that it wasn’t enough to just recycle, that we needed to reduce...a lot!  I found myself reading articles and watching documentaries about the climate crisis.  As I continued to look for ways to reduce our carbon footprint I became acutely aware of my community’s over consumption.  It bothered me. What I found to be even more troublesome was the complete lack of awareness and concern that so many people had.  There seemed to be no sense of urgency for most people to change their habits.

For a short while I tried to recruit my friends to get just as passionate about the climate crisis as I was.  Unfortunately, as a therapist I know all too well that change has to come from within and ultimately my efforts had minimal effect.  

Every car I saw zoom by, every burger I saw cooked or ordered and every forecast that predicted an even greater natural disaster than last year would make my stomach stir.  I was anxious about the fate of our world. For a while it was all I could think about. My husband and I had many talks about our fears, our anger, and at times hopelessness about this situation.  These talks were sometimes cathartic, allowing me to get everything out. 

This is eco-anxiety, a term used to describe the chronic fear of climate change and the sense of doom one may feel as a result.  It is a source of stress that an increasing number of people are feeling as they see day after day the damaging effects humans have on this planet.  Stress is often caused by our longing to want to control a situation when our reality dictates that we actually don’t have the amount of control that we desire.  Often a sense of loss and helplessness accompanies this stress and fear.

I’ve worked in the mental health field for over 10 years and I've never seen as many clients coming in with anxiety about the environment as I have within the last 2 years.  Much of the time, clients with General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) struggle to manage persistent worry which is not backed up by facts. Treatment of GAD can include challenging the validity of the worry.  Unfortunately, eco-anxiety is backed up by the facts, making it particularly difficult to reduce the symptoms.

I’ve seen eco-anxiety weigh heavy on major life decisions for my clients: whether or not to have children, quitting jobs in industries that perpetuate the problem, deciding where to live, and even considering if they can maintain relationships with family members who reject climate change.  The work has largely been about sitting in the uncertainty and loss my clients are experiencing. It has been about doing as much as they can and also knowing when they need to take breaks.

What I've found to be helpful when people experience fear and loss, however, is connecting with people who are going through the same thing.  When we come together as a community to process grief, share, and relate, it provides a certain support that can be empowering.  

The Good Grief Network has been building a 10-step support program for eco-anxiety where they seek to “find the delicate balance between unrealistic optimism and angry nihilism.”  They are bringing people together to help combat the effects of eco-anxiety, knowing that these groups will not reverse what has already happened, but provide support for those who are acutely aware and unnerved by the future.

I was able to get in touch with the women at the Good Grief Network and plan to start an Eco-anxiety Support and Process Group based on their work thus far.  This will be a chance to unite those who are struggling in isolation to deconstruct their feelings and gain a sense of community in this difficult time.  

As for me, I’ve found that finding my own people has helped.  People who are like-minded make me feel like there's hope. I continue to look for ways to help the environment and continue to intentionally expose myself to the devastation.  When meeting with clients I do not minimize the impact of eco-anxiety, but instead empathize and sit alongside them.  

I’m not sure how this will all end, but I’m willing to keep showing up.  I’m willing to keep confronting this global crisis through coming to terms with how I’ve contributed and also how I can be a catalyst for change.  I’m willing to show up for my community and provide a space for people to connect.

If you’d like more information about the Eco-Anxiety Support & Process group email admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com