5 Kinds of Expectations Every Couple Should Set

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Why do you get upset when your partner comes home later than they say they will?  Why do you get excited when they surprise you with flowers?  In every relationship, both partners have their own set of expectations.  When your expectations are met or exceeded, you feel loved, appreciated, and satisfied with your relationship.  When they’re not, conflict ensues, and the relationship can suffer.

While every couple has expectations for their partner, they might not be aware of them, much less each other’s.  Understanding your relationship expectations and communicating them with your partner is important.  When you know what your expectations are, it’s easier to decide if you’re in the right relationship or not.  Sharing your expectations with your partner gives them the opportunity to meet your needs appropriately.

Identify and communicate your expectations in the following areas in order to set your standards, increase your relationship satisfaction, and teach your partner how to treat you:

Effort

In order for a relationship to be healthy, both sides must make an effort to build and maintain it.  Talk to your partner about how much effort each of you are putting into the relationship and what it would look like for the other to contribute equally.  If the balance feels uneven, discuss what needs to happen differently.  Remember, you can’t make someone put in more effort than they’re willing to.  If you find you’re doing all the work, it may be time to walk away.

Time

Time spent together is an area where many people differ in relationships. While one partner might feel satisfied with a date or two per week, the other might expect several overnights with texts and phone calls in between.  Decide what’s reasonable for you and your partner, depending on both of your schedules and needs.

Affection

What makes a romantic partner different from a platonic friend?  Affection.  Affection can be verbal or physical.  Ask yourself what it takes for you to feel loved by your partner and let them know.  Avoid vague statements, such as, “I need you to be more affectionate,” and opt instead for specifics like “In order to feel valued, I need to hear ‘I love you’ at least once per day.”

Treatment

This one is important because of the possible severity of poor treatment by a partner.  No matter who you’re dating, you will at some point feel emotionally hurt or let down by them.  Identify your limits.  What constitutes grounds for breaking up?  Is it cheating?  Name calling?  Disappearing from the house or ghosting you for days on end?  Draw the line in the sand and tell your partner ahead of time, so there is no confusion about what you’re not willing to accept.  Know that in the case of physical abuse or threat of violence, the safest choice is always to end the relationship immediately.

Communication

Most problems in relationships can be solved with adequate communication.  Decide with your partner what good communication looks like.  If you prefer to never go to bed angry, but your partner’s the type to need a day to gather their thoughts before resolving a conflict, try working out a compromise that meets both of your needs.

Setting your expectations, communicating them to your partner, and sticking to them helps ensure you’re dating quality partners and promotes growth and closeness once you’re in a relationship.  While upholding your expectations takes work, finding a partner who finally meets them or celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary will serve as proof that it is always worth it.

Why Are We Married?: The Question Every Spouse Should Be Asking

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Ask most married couples why they decided to tie the knot, and you might hear one of the following answers: “because we were in love”, “we wanted to have children”, or “we were ready to settle down.”  On the surface, these seem like good answers.  But are they enough?

In 2018, almost 40% of marriages in the United States ended in divorce, and sadly, this alarming number has been even higher in years past.  Let’s face it- if you’re married, there will likely be some days when you wish you weren’t.  Remembering why you’re married can help you and your spouse work through issues and strengthen your relationship.

Whether you believe you married for the right reasons or not, if you want to stay married you and your spouse can decide now to recommit to one another for reasons that will withstand the test of time, even as circumstances change.

Here’s how to do it:

Identify Similar Values

Intense feelings of love and attraction fade over time.  Once the newness of your relationship has worn off, you and your spouse can continue to develop deep love and appreciation for one another if you share and admire each other’s values.

What life-driving values do you have in common?  Maybe you’re both passionate about giving back through volunteering or learning about different cultures by traveling.  Make a list of the values you and your partner share to remind yourselves of the deeper reasons you chose each other above anyone else.

Write Your Mission Statement

Whether you and your spouse are currently at a high or low point in your relationship, you can continue to live out your shared values, and you can do it together.  Grab a pen and paper, and write down your mission as a couple.  Remember, if you’re currently raising children, they will eventually leave the house.  If you own a business together, you’ll eventually retire.  When all is said and done, what will be your “why”?

What Do You Need To Change?

On the day of your wedding, loving your spouse in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, might have felt like an easy promise.  Why?  Because you were wildly and passionately in love.  But what about 10 years later, when you realize that feelings change, and those vows were a lot easier said than kept?

At this point, it might be necessary to adjust your reasoning for staying married.  If “because we’re in love,” isn’t working anymore, consider changing your reasoning to (again) something that aligns with your values, such as “because I made a commitment” “because I value growth” “because I value family.” 

Live Your Reason

Once you’ve identified why you’re committed to staying married, practice living out that reason day after day.  If you say you’re married because you value the companionship of another person, set aside quality time with your partner.  Or if you value family, make sure there is time spent with the family as a whole.  Share your vulnerable feelings and ask your spouse how they’re doing and how you can support them daily.  This won’t always be easy, but if a lasting marriage is what you want, it’s worth it.

It should be noted that if you are in a relationship where abuse of any kind takes place, it may not be the best option to stay and these suggestions might not fit.  Consider reaching out to a mental health professional to help sort out your feelings.

Relationships can be difficult.  When times get tough, do you think about your reasons for staying committed?  For some people, this is a new idea.  If you’re interested in talking more about your “why,” reach out to ELEVATED Life Counseling for a free consultation today.

How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with?  When was the last time you felt that?  If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry.  You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.

According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky.  After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.

It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together.  Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:

Set Aside Time for Each Other

Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner.  Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind.  It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.

Make Sex a Priority

Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical.  Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates.  There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex.  Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected.  Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.

Express Your Gratitude

Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for.  Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed.  Then, thank him or her sincerely.  It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.

Stay Respectful

Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice.  You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap.  Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry.  For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names.  These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.

If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long.  It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to.  While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them.  Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.

Related Articles:

How Happy Couples Fight

How To Get Your Partner To Adopt Your Love Language

Trying To Control Your Partner: A Hindrance, Not A Help

Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need to Know about Sexual Shame and How to Heal

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How do you feel when you think about sex?  Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love?  If so, give yourself a pat on the back.  You likely enjoy sex.

But what if sex brings up different feelings for you?  Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness?  You may be struggling with sexual shame.  You are not alone.

What is Sexual Shame?

Human sexuality can be a source of intimacy, power, creativity, and pleasure.  Unfortunately, if you grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty, immoral, or tabboo, or if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or a recipient of shaming messages about your body, the thought of sex alone might be enough to make your skin crawl.

Sexual shame is the experience of feeling “bad,” “wrong,” or inferior about any of the following:

• Body size or shape

• Appearance of genitals

• Sexual bodily fluids

• Sexual desire

• Fantasies

• Kinks

• Sexual performance

• Attraction

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Sexual shame can be a result of direct messages from parents or religious figures about sex being dirty, sinful, or shameful.  It can also result from implicit societal messaging, including pornography, advertising, cultural norms, and music.

For example, a child who is caught masturbating and scolded for touching his or her genitals might learn to equate sexual pleasure with immorality.  Similarly, a woman of color who repeatedly sees porn consisting of only slender, white women may come to believe that her body is ugly or undesirable.

Naturally, sexual abuse can create a unique set of negative associations around sex.  Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can struggle with shame caused by blaming themselves for the abuse or feeling like their bodies betrayed them by feeling physical pleasure during something they now know was wrong.

Regardless of the sources of sexual shame, healing is possible with therapy, personal practices, or a combination of both.

Breaking the Curse

If you struggle with sexual shame, hearing friends, R&B artists, and rom com characters talking about the pleasure they feel from sex can feel alienating.  You may feel hopeless, like you’ve been cursed to live a life of sexual dissatisfaction forever.  This is not the case!  The following exercises can help you reduce sexual shame and discover the intimacy and pleasure of sex, maybe for the first time.

Talk About It

Shame thrives in the dark.  Shed light on sexual shame by talking about it with people you trust.  As you notice the feelings that arise when you talk about sexual shame, take deep breaths and imagine them moving through you until they eventually dissipate.  Each time you do this, you will release more of the shame built up inside.

Have Sex with Safe People

Learn or relearn the true beauty of sex by having it with people who accept you and allow you to feel safe in your vulnerability.  Try out different sexual positions, speeds, and activities, making sure to stay open minded while also holding boundaries that align with your values and level of comfortability.

Look at Your Genitals in a Mirror

Believe it or not, many people have not done this.  Get as comfortable with seeing your genitals as you are with seeing the rest of your face and body.  Not comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror at all?  Spend more time looking at your entire being!  The more comfortable you get with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel being naked with another person.

Invite Curiosity about Where Beliefs Come From

If you experience sexual shame but never thought much about it, now is the time to get curious.  Identify the negative beliefs you have about sex or your body, and ask yourself where they come from.  If you realize that they stem from culture or religion, study these structures and develop your own understanding of them.  I’m not saying throw out everything you believe in, but ask yourself if any of your shaming beliefs might be rooted in misinterpretations, or if they are missing a necessary element of self-compassion.  Consider what it would look like to let go of shame and still remain true to your values.

Moving Forward

Sexual shame is not an easy beast to wrestle with.  Often, it is a slow process that requires appreciation for each inch moved closer to appreciation for your sexuality.  To learn more about sexual shame, where it comes from, and how to overcome it, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com

Related articles:

Set Your Sex Life on Fire:  The Difference between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?

Let’s Talk About Sex: Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life

Shining Light onto Shame

3 Strategies to Help You End Relationship Anxiety for Good

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

What if my partner stops loving me?  Are we really compatible?  Am I with the right person?  Are they cheating on me?

These are questions that anyone who’s ever been in a relationship has likely asked themselves at some point.  Frankly, never questioning whether you and you and your partner are a good match, if they’re faithful, and what you would do if the two of you broke up wouldn’t be healthy.  But if you struggle with relationship anxiety, these thoughts can quickly become obsessive and even detrimental to your relationship.

What is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be defined as persistent and excessive worry, overthinking and hyper-awareness about your relationship.  If you have relationship anxiety, you may often fear that:

• you are dating the wrong person

• you are not attracted to or losing attraction to their partner

• your relationship is moving too fast or too slow

• your partner is cheating on you

• there is someone better for you out there

• you are not good enough for your partner

• you will emotionally hurt your partner

• your partner will leave or abandon you

All relationships include uncertainty, and some anxiety about them is normal. Difficulty or inability to stop the constant stream of questioning and doubt, however, may be an indicator of relationship anxiety.  

Relationship anxiety can show up at any stage of a relationship.  While some may experience it early on, others may begin to grow anxious after several years of dating the same person or even after marriage.

The Effects of Relationship Anxiety

Anxiety in any form can be distressing.  In extreme cases, it can lead to physical problems, such as headaches, muscle tension, nausea, fatigue, and gastrointestinal problems.  

Relationship anxiety may cause you to constantly overthink what you say, how you look, how you feel, and how your partner behaves.  You may feel distracted by your thoughts and grow less present in your relationship or begin exhibiting relationship-interfering behaviors.

Relationship-interfering behaviors associated with relationship anxiety include

• withholding your opinions or feelings about issues in the relationship

• pushing your partner away physically or emotionally

• picking fights to see how your partner responds

• trying to make your partner jealous

• withdrawing or avoiding your partner

• scrutinizing your partner or becoming overly critical

Although they are often done in effort to reduce or cope with relationship anxiety, these behaviors can cause the exact problems in your relationship that you originally feared.

What Can You Do?

Mindfulness

You know the phrase “going down the rabbit hole”?  It’s one of my favorite ways to describe what happens in your brain when anxiety takes hold.  Anxiety is a chain reaction.  It starts with one uncomfortable thought or feeling, like fear when you remember that time last week when your partner looked at his phone and smiled, then said he saw a funny meme.  All of the sudden, you’re imagining him texting someone else and sifting through every detail of your last 5 dates, obsessing over whether you missed any signs he’s really cheating on you.

Anxious thought spirals often seem helpful, like they’ll eventually lead you to figuring things out, but they really just create more confusion.  To tame anxiety, practice noticing your thoughts one by one.  After noticing each thought, let it go.  This will help you stay present in the moment, where you can truly learn more about your partner and your relationship.

Communicate

Constant worry about your partner getting angry or annoyed by you can make it difficult to voice your concerns about the relationship, but avoiding these topics will only increase your chances of struggling with unresolved issues later down the line.  Instead of holding back, voice your needs to your partner in a calm yet confident voice.  Spend time journaling about what you want to express beforehand to increase your confidence during delivery.

Talk To a Therapist

When you’re stuck in your head, it can be difficult to differentiate between anxious and realistic thoughts.  Talking to a therapist can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings in order to determine which are worth paying attention to.  A therapist can also help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and what it means to be in a truly healthy relationship.

If you’re struggling with relationship anxiety, relief and clarity is possible.  For more information about relationship anxiety or a free 15-minute phone consultation, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Related Articles

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How Happy Couples Fight

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Every couple fights.  How you do it is what matters.

When you and your partner disagree, do your arguments turn into competitions about which of you is “right”?  Do you find yourself in screaming matches?  Does either of you give the cold shoulder to the other?  All these ways of fighting are common, but none of them are productive.

When you and your partner argue, there is always more going on than meets the eye.  Fights about who unloaded the dishwasher more last week are not about the dishes, but perhaps feelings of unappreciation or lack of support when both of you are busy.  Fighting about where the kids go to school has little to do with what kind of textbooks they’re going to read and more about hopes and fears regarding their futures- possibly linked to either of your own childhood experiences.

Underneath every exchange between you and your partner lies a whole world of emotion.  When left unaddressed, these feelings are sure to pop up over and over again in the form of arguing, passive aggression, or shutting down during difficult moments in your relationship.  The good news- If you and your partner are able to slow down and address what’s really going on, conflict can actually help you grow closer and stronger than before.  To get to the root of a problem and resolve conflict in a healthy and productive way, ask yourself these 3 questions before, during, and after any argument:

What am I feeling?

As you’re thinking about the issue you and your partner are having, turn your focus inward.  Notice and name your emotions, being careful not to misidentify thoughts, such as “I feel like my husband is in the wrong,” for feelings.  If you’re having trouble, notice the sensations in your body, especially in areas like your gut, chest, shoulders, and jaw.  Our bodies pick up on things in a way our logical brains don’t, giving us clues about emotions we might not even be aware of.  It may also be helpful to look at a feelings wheel in order to get more specific.

Is this familiar?

Sure, maybe your feelings are specifically related to your current situation, like if you’re worried about your partner’s excessive spending, but chances are, these feelings go deeper.  Once you’ve named what you’re feeling and found the sensations in your body, drift back in time mentally.  What comes to mind?  Have you ever felt this way before?  Perhaps you remember being a teenager and worrying about not fitting in if your parents couldn’t afford the kind of clothes your classmates wore.

What other feelings are wrapped up in this memory?  Insecurity?  Anger?  Shame?  Spend some time exploring similarities between the past and the present.  Stay open minded to what you might learn.

What do I need?

In one way or another, every conflict is about an unmet need.  Emotions exist solely for the purpose of telling us what our needs are (eg. loneliness tells us we need social connection).  Once you’re aware of what you’re feeling and why, you can communicate this to your partner and tell them what you truly need using this format:

“I feel _____ when _____.  I need _____.”

Let’s go back to the example of worry regarding your partner’s spending.  Once you realize that your fear isn’t actually about money but the security and social opportunities stable finances allow, you can say, “I feel insecure when you spend your entire paycheck.  I need us to sit down and come up with a budget we are both comfortable with.”  This is a lot more effective than yelling, “You’re so careless!  Why can’t you just put some money in savings like everybody else?”

You can also talk to your partner about the memories and feelings you explored in Step 2.  Getting vulnerable by talking about why you feel the way you feel works wonders for building intimacy.  Just make sure the two of you are calm enough that you can feel safe and supported in sharing the most delicate parts of yourself.

Couple fights are not pleasant, and they certainly aren’t always easy to navigate.  The way you go about them will determine how you feel once they’re over, how productive they are, and whether you and your partner grow closer from them or more distant.  For more information on how to build and maintain a happy relationship with your partner, check out these related articles.

Related Articles

How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

You Seem Distant:  Withdrawing in Relationships

Let’s Talk about Sex:  Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life

I’ll Show You:  Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

First Date Red Flags: How to Know if One Date is Enough

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

First dates can be complicated.  There’s a lot to consider, such as whether or not you have chemistry with the person, if your values match up, and if they seem like they’d be able to fulfill your needs and wants in a relationship.  All of this just to answer one seemingly simple question:  Do you want to see them again?

After only one date, it’s almost impossible to know if the person who sat across the table from you will be your “happily ever after,” but there are several signs that another date is not a good idea.  Memorize these red flags for later, and if you notice a date doing any of them, don’t ignore it.

They’re on Their Phone

Yes, this is the 21st Century, and we all use our phones much more than we’d like to admit.  However, first dates are the time to put your best foot forward and be present.  If you’re on a date with someone who is constantly texting or has their phone on the table, it could be a sign that they’re not taking their time with you very seriously.  Instead, look for someone who removes all distractions, makes eye contact, and seems engaged in whatever you are doing or talking about.

They’re Late

Look, it happens.  Sometimes, we get caught in traffic, or it takes a bit longer to get ready than anticipated.  If your date sends you a text ahead of time letting you know they’re running late, that’s one thing.  Getting left wondering if you’re being stood up is another.  Showing up late to a date without giving a heads up is disrespectful and a clear indication that the person who’s late doesn’t value the other’s time.  Once again, not a good look on a first date, especially when that’s the time your date is likely on their best behavior.

They Talk Badly About Their Exes

Going into too much detail about an ex on a first date could be perceived as a little strange, but badmouthing an ex is even worse.  Someone who refers to their ex using derogatory names might have used those terms as attacks during the relationship as well, and unfortunately, you could be their next target if the two of you end up in a relationship.  Also, placing all the blame on the other person for the breakup demonstrates a lack of ability to take responsibility for one’s own actions.

They’re Rude to the Staff

If your date is friendly to you but rude to waitstaff or other employees, take it as a warning sign.  It’s easy to be nice to someone when you feel like there’s something in it for you.  You can learn a lot more about a person by watching how they treat people they aren’t trying to impress.  Chances are, after being together for long enough, your date’s true colors- the ones you saw when they rolled their eyes at the waitress or made a passive aggressive remark to their doorman- will start coming out towards you, too.

They Get Wasted

Getting sloppy drunk on a first date is a big red flag.  If your date drinks too much, it could either mean they aren’t able to control their alcohol consumption, or they don’t care enough to practice self-control when going out with a new person.  Both of these could be warning signs of substance abuse or a lack of preparedness to be in a relationship.  Instead, opt for someone who is fun, but shows you respect by getting to know the real you and allowing you to learn more about the real them.

Figuring out if someone is the right person for you requires going on more than just a first date.  However, the first date can be telling.  If you see any of these red flags, seriously consider whether or not going on more dates is worth the future risks.  Remember, the dating pool is full of potential partners who are respectful, mature, and ready for a relationship.

How to Get Your Partner to Adopt Your Love Language

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Quality time.  Physical touch.  Words of affirmation.  Gifts.  Acts of service.  Most of my clients have a sense of what love language they speak.  Some are even able to identify the preferred love languages of their partners.  Identifying you and your partner’s love languages is a great step towards increasing intimacy and reducing conflict in your relationship.  Where many people get stuck, I’ve found, is in trying to figure out how to communicate in their partner’s differing love language, and even more so, how to get their partner to communicate in theirs.

Have you asked your partner multiple times to show love in the way you want?  Are you sick of feeling frustrated when your attempts don’t work?  If you answered “yes” to either of these questions, you’re in the right place.  I’ve got three tips to share with you to finally get your partner to do and say the things that make you feel loved, valued, and desired.  Keep reading to find out.

Give Examples

Imagine for a moment that your partner asked you to do something completely foreign to you.  I mean something you had no idea how to do.  You’d probably need some very clear, specific instructions.  If you’ve told your partner which love language you prefer but have yet to see any results, take some time to list out all the things your partner can say or do to help you feel the love (eg. open the door for you, compliment your cooking, etc.).  Then, tell your partner exactly what you wrote down, making sure to pad the conversation with plenty of “thank you”s for the things your partner already does well.

Be Prepared to Remind- A Lot

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that once you tell your partner what you want, it’s their responsibility to make it happen.  This is true, partly.  It is your partner’s responsibility to take your needs seriously and make the effort to meet them.  However, your partner is human, and this kind of thing might not come naturally right away.  Take opportunities to remind your partner how they can communicate love in your language.  For example, if your love language is Gifts, try saying something like, “I would love it if you brought me back a coffee,” next time your partner steps out to run an errand.

Provide a Ton of Positive Reinforcement

Your partner is a lot more likely to adopt your love language when they feel there is something in it for them.  Maybe your partner loves seeing you smile or hearing a verbal “thank you.”  Whatever it is, be sure to provide plenty of it when your partner does something in accordance with your love language.  Over time, the actions that once took effort will become habitual and satisfying for both of you.

Although it would certainly be easy, getting your partner to communicate in your love language is not as simple as just telling them what your love language is.  Bridging the gap between you and your partner’s differing love languages requires giving specific examples of what they can do and then following through with reminders and reinforcement whenever they do it.  What are some specific ways your partner can show you love?  Tell me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Vulnerability and The Bachelorette: Is There Such a Thing as Too Much Too Soon?

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’re following The Bachelorette, you likely saw last week’s episode, in which Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Jason Foster, the former NFL player selected for the first one-on-one date of Season 16, exchanged emotional stories in the woods.  The date began with the couple releasing primal screams into the night air, followed by their writing of hurtful words others used to label them on stone tablets, smashing the tablets against the rocks, and then writing and sharing letters to their childhood selves with one another.  Clare opened up about feeling invisible during high school.  Jason, clearly new to this whole vulnerability thing, vaguely alluded to his own childhood trauma, admitting that talking about his “demons” is difficult for him.  The two ended the evening with a makeout session, and Clare rewarded Jason for his hard emotional labor with the first rose of the week.

At the age of 39, Clare has made it clear that she is not here to mess around.  Before the season began, Clare stated that she is looking for a man who can let his guard down and be open about his feelings, and by the looks of this Season so far, she isn’t wasting any time.  Clare brings vulnerability to the forefront of both episodes so far, not only during her date with Jason, but also by regularly sharing her emotions and insecurities with the rest of the contestants.  The Bachelorette doesn’t claim to be realistic, and most wouldn’t consider it a reputable form of dating advice.  However, after watching the emotional exchanges between Clare and her suitors over the past two weeks, I feel pretty safe assuming that viewers also in search of love are starting to ask themselves, “Should I be doing this?”

What is Vulnerability?

In order to talk about vulnerability, we must first define what it is.  Brene Brown, the emotional guru whose Ted Talk on vulnerability boasts over 50 million views, defines vulnerability according to its three key elements: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.  When you open up to another person, or expose your emotions, you have no sure way of knowing how they will respond.  The interaction could deepen your connection, or the other person could judge you, share your secrets with others, or even leave.  Vulnerability is the key to intimate relationships with others because it allows you to be truly seen.  So does this mean that you should be vulnerable with everybody?  And is there ever such a thing as too much?

Different Levels of Vulnerability

I get the sense that when many people hear the word “vulnerability,” they imagine conversations about their deepest, darkest emotions, followed by a lot of crying, hugging, and gazing into each other’s eyes.  Vulnerability can include any of these things, but it doesn’t have to.  Remember, vulnerability means three things: uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.

Here are some examples of vulnerability at different levels of intensity:

• Telling your partner the truth when they ask if you had a good day at work

• Sharing a happy memory with your partner

• Telling your partner how you feel when they do something that bothers you (show up late to dinner, keep an ex as a friend on social media, etc.)

• Letting your partner know you have feelings for them

• Giving your honest opinion about something, ranging anywhere from a restaurant you tried to politics or religion

• Sharing a sexual fantasy

• Crying in front of your partner during a sad movie

• Telling your partner what you’re looking for in a relationship

• Pointing out your favorite qualities about your partner

• Letting your partner see you connect with others, such as your family, friends, or even your pet

Vulnerability exists on a spectrum.  Some acts of vulnerability feel like dipping your toe in the pool, while others might remind you more of jumping off the high-dive.

Risks of Vulnerability

Opening up to others can be scary, and rightfully so!  As we go through life, we encounter a wide variety of people, all from different backgrounds and with differing levels of emotional intelligence.  Not all of them are willing or even capable of handling others’ emotions with care.  Getting vulnerable with the wrong person could lead to the following outcomes:

• You receive an invalidating response (“That doesn’t sound that bad.”)

• Your weaknesses get used against you (“I’m not cheating, you’re just insecure.”)

• Your secret gets out

• You get rejected

• You get tuned out (the other person becomes uncomfortable and ignores you or changes the subject)

Yes, vulnerability, by definition, is risky, and while it’s becoming more and more acceptable and even encouraged in today’s society, it is certainly not something to take lightly.

So How Do I Know What to Share and When?

This one is completely up to you.  We know that vulnerability strengthens relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops at once.  A good rule of thumb is to base your level of vulnerability on the amount of trust in a relationship.  For example, if you’re on your first date with someone, you probably don’t have enough information to determine whether or not it’s safe to let your guard down with them.  Sorry, Clare.

To learn whether or not you can trust someone with heavier stories or deeper-level emotions, try disclosing a few less-vulnerable pieces of information first.  Notice how the other person reacts if they ask about your day, and you tell them that it was actually a bit stressful.  Test them out with a lighthearted story about your family, and see if they appear open to learning more about you.  Pay attention to the way they talk about themselves, too.  If you’ve been on multiple dates, and your partner still isn’t telling you anything about their family, obstacles they’ve overcome in the past, or their feelings or opinions on important topics, you might reconsider letting them into your own inner world.

Vulnerability is the secret ingredient to healthy, supportive relationships.  The right amount at the right time can propel your relationship into deeper levels of trust, intimacy, and connectedness.  Too much vulnerability too soon, however, can be uncomfortable and even lead to painful experiences that take a toll on your self-esteem.
I love The Bachelorette, and I think the show can spark great conversations about chemistry and compatibility.  But when it comes to good examples for healthy dating practices, this Season might not be the most reliable source.  Some things are just better off as entertainment.

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3 Signs You and Your Partner Have Chemistry and Why It Matters

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Healthy, long-lasting relationships are made of several essential building blocks.  Typically, elements like trust, shared core values, similar goals, and some level of attraction create the foundation for successful relationships.  Relationships are sort of like the game Tetris.  If each partner has qualities that fit with the needs of the other, a solid, secure base can form.

If only love were this easy.  It could be, if it weren’t for one secret ingredient shaking up the mix.  

Chemistry.

Chemistry is the energetic attraction between two people that no words, reason, or personality assessment can explain.  Chemistry is your brain on drugs.  Substance of choice: The Other Person.  When there is chemistry in a relationship, dopamine receptors are activated, causing a rush of strong emotions.  Lovers experience a euphoria that is often described as intoxicating and even addictive.

Chemistry can make or break your relationship.  In healthy relationships, chemistry can improve intimacy.  It also acts as a buffer, making the other person’s imperfections seem less unattractive.  If unchecked, chemistry can be blinding, potentially causing some to rush through the important trust-building stages of relationships and jump into high-stakes commitments, such as moving in together.  Chemistry can even cause some to overlook or downplay serious red flags, like controlling behavior.

Chemistry feels great.  And yet, we know that the best decisions are rarely made out of 100% emotion.  Understanding that there is chemistry in your relationship can help you put your feelings into perspective and inject them with a healthy dose of logic before making any major choices.

To find out if there is chemistry between you and your partner, look for the following signs:

You Think About Them...A Lot

When there’s chemistry in a relationship, thoughts about the other person can be difficult to turn off.  You may get distracted at work or have trouble sleeping as fantasies of your partner constantly lure you in.  Other people may notice that you talk about your relationship often.  It just feels so good!  

If thoughts about your partner are interfering with your ability to focus, try setting aside time during the day specifically for journaling about your relationship.  What are your hopes and dreams?  What do you like most about your partner?  What are some signs that the relationship is going well?  Getting your feelings out on paper will help clear some mental space for other important thoughts

You Desire Physical Intimacy

Ok, yes.  Since I know you all are wondering, I am talking about sex.  Chemistry can create intense feelings of sexual attraction, but that’s not all.

Chemistry is magnetic.  It pulls couples together through the desire to be close to one another.  If there is chemistry in your relationship, you and your partner may want to sit together closely on the couch, hold hands, scratch each other’s backs, lean in closely when you talk, and spend more time together than you do with other friends or family members.

Chemistry has a way of blurring boundary lines, so it is important to be as clear and explicit with them as possible.  Write down your limits when it comes to spending time with your partner versus with your friends.  List any physical boundaries that you have.  Then, communicate these expectations with your partner.  Remember, setting expectations doesn’t have to be weird.  You don’t necessarily need to have a formal, sit-down talk.  Holding your boundary might look like saying, “I have plans that day,” (even if your plans are with yourself) or “I don’t want to do that right now.”

Logic Fades

People in the early stages of relationships with high levels of chemistry often describe their behavior as completely outside of what’s normal for them.  They stay up all night texting.  They call off work to go on impromptu vacations.  They spend money on extravagant gifts.  Reason has left the chat, people.  It’s important that you know that.

It’s important because chemistry is like hot sauce.  Add it to the mix, and it spices things up.  Too much of it on its own, and it burns.  Chemistry has to be mixed with an equal amount of logic, or you risk ending up feeling stuck in a relationship that doesn’t align with your vision for yourself.  Whether you are already in a committed relationship or just taking your first steps into the arena of dating, spend some time alone writing down your goals for the following categories: romantic relationships, career, finances, physical health, mental health, spirituality, friendships, family, leisure/hobbies.  The more you know yourself, the better you can identify what you want in a long-term partner.

Having a relationship built upon mutual trust, values, beliefs, goals, and chemistry is well within your reach!  Chemistry can pique your interest in potential partners, and when harnessed, it can promote passionate and healthy relationships.  To learn more about balancing logic and chemistry to find satisfying relationships, go to https://www.elevatedlifecounseling.com/services or visit @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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3 Tips to Help You Kiss Dating Anxiety Goodbye

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Four months after the partial reopening of Chicago, dating is back in full swing, and so is the anxiety that comes with it.

Even before the threat of catching COVID, dating could be scary.  First dates, especially, are often awkward, intimidating, or boring.  The combination of uncertainty and vulnerability during a first date can be uncomfortable for anybody.  For someone with anxiety, it can feel unbearable, even causing some to opt out of dating altogether, despite their desire for companionship.

Not everybody loves dating, and that’s okay.  The goal of a first date isn’t necessarily to have the time of your life, but to get to know a new person, determine if the building blocks of a healthy relationship are there, and yes- have a good time whether you see the other person again or not.  Try these strategies to help you feel more relaxed and confident during any date, even the first.

Ignore Anxious Thoughts

Thoughts like, “I look fat in this dress,” or “This is going to be awkward,” might feel true, but that doesn’t mean they are.  Our brains have a tendency to predict the worst, thanks to our prehistoric ancestors’ need to avoid threats.  Now that we no longer have to watch out for tigers, the modern brain perceives the possibility of things like rejection and embarrassment the same way- as threats to our lives.

Imagine that your anxious thoughts are like the music playing at a restaurant.  You hear it, but once you focus your attention on the conversation, it fades into the background, and eventually you ignore it altogether.

Replace Anxious Thoughts

Another tactic to reduce dating anxiety is to replace anxious thoughts as they come up.  First, practice noticing your thoughts more often.  When you catch yourself having a negative thought, try replacing it with something that is more positive and also true.  For example, instead of thinking, “He/she doesn’t like me,” try, “The right person will like me for me.”

Play Out the Worst Case Scenario

Anxiety loves the “What If” game.  “What if I spill my drink?”  “What if I’m late?” “What if I get bored?” Very seldom do we actually pause and give ourselves the opportunity to answer these questions.

Take some time before your next first date, and write out the answers to your biggest What If’s.  What if you are bored on the date?  Will you stay an hour?  A half-hour?  How will you excuse yourself early if you want to go home?  When we stop and think, we typically find that we have the resources to answer our own questions.  Reminding yourself of this can help reduce worry and improve your confidence as you go into the situation.

With the right tools, you can turn dating from something overwhelming into something enjoyable.  Learn more about how to reduce dating anxiety by visiting the ELEVATED Life Counseling Services page, or follow @therapywithmaryclaire on Instagram.

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Make Your Apartment Sexier

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Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem.  One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner.  This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?

The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?

Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them.  However,  others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore.  The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner.  The resounding answer is no.

And this makes sense.  Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons.  If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it.  If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation.  And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it.  This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.  

So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one!  However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help.  Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile.  Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.

Carve Out Some Time

Like with all important conversations, timing is key.  It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other.  This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation.  Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood.  Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.

Review What Turns You Both On

People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years.  It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex.  Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not.  For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.  

Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you?  What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?

What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement

Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy.  Congratulate each other for a job well done.  It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation.  Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life?  What do you like most that we already do?  

When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex.  If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions.  If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that.  If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate.  Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex?  What could we do to make our sex better?

Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics

If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this.  I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.  

Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important.  Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met.  This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you.  Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?     

Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial.  Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans.  It’s not always clean and simple.  Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.

I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all know that no relationship is perfect.  Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship.  But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it?  Do you attempt to keep getting your point across?  Do you try to control how your partner behaves?  When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?

Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.

“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example.  Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter.  I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be).  When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”

As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset.  At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours.  Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.

What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way.  There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel.  Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again.  If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.

In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”  If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.  

Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list.  Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.  

These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship.  The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow.  Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.

If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment.  Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first).  Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want.  Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.”  Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work.  Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.

Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist.  It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.

Making Dating Apps Work For You

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dating during COVID seems impossible.  Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night.  Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden.  Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.

Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table.  When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown.  Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019.  This year, it’s even hotter.

Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press.  Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages.  This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front.  Like a gamble, it could go either way.

Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date.  You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again.  When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time.  When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.

Choose the Right App

If you want love, you have to look in the right places.  A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs.  Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink.  Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.

Take Advantage of Settings

Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches.  Want someone who goes to church?  Done.  You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more.  Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.

Attract What You Want

If you are passionate about something, talk about it.  Post pictures that represent who you really are.  People with similar interests will notice.

Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online.  All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste.  If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment.  Stay committed.  A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Last week I wrote about how happy couples edit.  I talked about this concept as it applies to people who want to spew every last complaint about their partner to their partner in the name of intimacy.  The concept of editing also applies when it comes to people who experience anxiety about the state of their relationship.  Let’s explore this further.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling overly concerned about the strength of your relationship, worrying about how much your partner loves you, or feeling on edge that you are not enough for your partner, then you might have relationship anxiety.  This fairly common experience can be tricky to pick apart.  It is often difficult to determine if your concerns are simply stories you’re blowing up in your own mind or actually based on actions your partner has taken.  When it goes unchecked, this anxiety has the capacity to wreak havoc on even the best suited pairs.

Relationship anxiety usually presents itself in a couple different ways.  Generally, it is the experience of being preoccupied with the state of the relationship.  When you sense that your partner is displeased with you or something is “off” in the relationship, the anxiety worsens.  When anyone feels anxiety or fear, the natural response is fight or flight and relationship anxiety is no different.  

The fight response doesn’t necessarily mean arguing with your partner, but more so that you will fight to keep your relationship.  You may find yourself incessantly calling or texting your partner to repair an argument.  “Chasing” your partner when they are trying to get healthy space is also common because space feels like a threat to the security of the relationship.  You may also bring up every single concern that crosses their mind such as “Why do you love me?”  “Are you mad at me?”  “Is everything alright?” 

On the other hand you may experience a flight response.  For example, after not getting a text back from your partner for several hours you may internally determine that the relationship isn’t worth it, that you don’t like them anyway, and that you will ultimately begin to distance yourself and withdraw from the relationship.

Though this type of anxiety gets a bad rap, it’s not all bad.  It is helpful in that it guarantees that someone is looking out for the relationship and has a pulse on how it is functioning.  A partner with relationship anxiety is highly attuned (though at times perhaps too attuned) to the health of the relationship.  It is only when the anxiety is not carefully dealt with that it becomes a problem.

So how do you deal with this type of anxiety?  The first step is to try to date and partner/marry people who have a relaxed posture to love and connection.  What this means is that you’ll want to find a partner who enjoys being in relationships rather than finds them scary and threatening.  If you date or are in a relationship with someone who runs from commitment, this will only exacerbate the anxiety and create a chasing dynamic (the more they run away from commitment, the more you pursue them).

It is important to check the facts of each situation where your anxiety rears its head.  To go back to the example of not receiving a text back for several hours, your anxiety might jump to conclusions: they are mad at me, I’m not important to them, they are with someone else right now, they’re cheating on me.  Recognize these thoughts as assumptions or interpretations, not facts.  Then, list the facts of the situation.  If the facts indicate that something is truly off or wrong, then check in with your partner.  If there are no facts to support the assumptions in your mind, try to manage your anxiety.

It is okay to ask for reassurance from your partner, but don’t overdo it.  We all are susceptible to feeling insecure at times and asking your partner to reassure you that they love and care about you can be really effective in decreasing your worry about the relationship.  However, don’t make this your go-to strategy every time you feel a spark of insecurity.  This will lead to your partner’s burnout (“I’ve told you a million times I love you, why don’t you believe me?”) and will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ultimately, if managing your anxiety rather than acting on it is a tall order, therapy can help.  You can begin to unpack where these fears originate and help you build your arsenal of coping strategies.  The goal is to gain mastery over the art of knowing when to problem solve because the relationship is truly at risk, when to ask for reassurance because you’re feeling insecure, and when to sit with the fear and anxiety because it’s not based on the facts.

Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.