Restaurant Anxiety: Dining Out While Recovering from an Eating Disorder

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Going out to eat is supposed to be fun.  It’s a great way to get out of the house, socialize, try new cuisines, and eat without having to cook.  For people without eating disorders, restaurants are exciting and relaxing.  If you have an eating disorder, however, going to a restaurant can feel like torture.

Restaurants, because of their obvious focus on food, are full of triggers for people struggling with eating disorders.  Uncertainty about how a dish is prepared or how many calories are in it can cause anxiety symptoms like fear of weight gain or hyperfocus on body size and appearance.  Many restaurants do print the amount of calories per dish on the menu.  This too can cause anxiety and urges to engage in eating disorder behaviors.

Other aspects of dining out people with eating disorders may struggle with include large portion sizes, multiple courses, extensive menu choices, and lack of knowledge about ingredients.  Many also find it difficult to eat among others without comparing their appearance, body size, food choice, and amount of food eaten with those around them.

Dining out while in recovery from an eating disorder can be challenging.  Restaurants present a lot of stimuli, much of it triggering, and can feel very overwhelming.  While restaurant anxiety is uncomfortable, it’s important that those in recovery learn to cope with it and reclaim the luxury that dining out is intended to be.  To cope with the emotions that come up while dining out and introduce joy back into the experience, those in recovery can do the following things:

Plan Ahead*

If not knowing what’s on the menu is causing you anxiety, consider looking up the menu ahead of time.  Before doing this, take a few deep breaths.  Look at the menu and ask yourself, “What would I choose to eat if I were fully recovered?”  You may not know the answer to this question yet.  Just do the best you can.  Exit the menu and commit to order the choice you made while envisioning the healthiest version of yourself.

You may also want to make an escape plan.  In the event that you feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to take a quick bathroom break or step outside for a breath of fresh air.  Plan ahead how you can excuse yourself from the table if you want to.

Eat Mindfully

It can be hard to focus on your meal when your thoughts are racing.  Eat at a moderate pace, taking sips of water every few bites.  Notice the flavor, texture, and smell of what you’re eating.  Take deep, intentional breaths into your belly, and see if you can pay attention to your breath, your food, and the conversation at the table at the same time.  Mindfulness can help you know when you’re full and also promote better enjoyment of the experience altogether!

Consider All Foods Equal

Creating a mental list of “good” and “bad” foods is sure to cause anxiety when dining out.  When looking at the menu, remember that your body knows how to balance itself out.  No matter what you order off the menu, your body will tell you when it’s still hungry and when it’s full.  It also knows how to balance out richness and density.  For example, if you eat a burger and fries for lunch, you will likely crave vegetables at dinnertime.  Give yourself permission to order what you want, eat mindfully, and trust your body to take care of the rest.

Eating at restaurants can be difficult for people with eating disorders.  Learning to manage anxiety and eat flexibly at restaurants is an important part of recovery.  To learn more about eating disorder recovery and its benefits, see the ELEVATED Life Counseling “Services” page or visit me on Instagram at @therapywithmaryclaire.

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Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.

Self-Compassion from the Inside Out

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

If you’ve ever been in therapy, you’ve likely heard the term self-compassion.  Self-compassion in simple terms means kindness to yourself.  It might look like forgiving yourself for your mistakes or going easy on yourself about your imperfections.  Often, in an effort to help clients find compassion for themselves, I ask, “What would you say to a friend in your situation?” knowing that we are almost always kinder to others than we are to ourselves.  For some, this gentle reminder is enough to change the pattern of harshness, but for those with a long history of self-deprecation, the prospect of treating yourself the way you would treat a loved one might not seem doable.

Nobody is born hating themself.  Beginning in childhood, we pick up criticisms and judgments thrown at us by others, and somewhere along the line, we can begin to believe them.  For instance, a child who is bullied in school might come to believe that he is inferior to others.  If this seed is planted and then watered by similar experiences over time, it can continue to grow, casting a shadow over adulthood experiences, including relationships and career performance.

In order to overcome the insidious pattern of self-criticism, one must first understand the details of what is taking place within.  While some might believe that this step is unnecessary, they are likely to realize that simply ignoring, or better yet drowning out this hurtful inner dialogue with a slew of positive affirmations, not only doesn’t work, but might in fact exacerbate the problem.  If we truly want to employ self-compassion, we must be willing to take the difficult and sometimes scary journey into the darkest parts of ourselves.

Multiple Parts

Have you ever thought about who exactly is judging you from the inside out?  I mean, when you’re alone, replaying a mistake you made over and over again in your head, whose voice is it that’s telling you, “Wow, you really messed up, loser”?  You might be thinking, “Well, that’s me, of course!”  Is it?  Is it all of you, or is it just part of you?  I have a feeling that if you listen closely enough, you’ll hear another voice deep down saying, “Come on, that wasn’t that bad.  Why am I making such a big deal about this?” or “Man, I am so tired of feeling this way about myself.”

Each and every one of us has a voice inside commonly referred to as the Inner Critic.  This is the voice that reminds you of your shortcomings, your failures, and all the things that are wrong with you.  We also have an Inner Affirmer that compliments us on things like making a good sandwich or being on time, although it might sometimes team up with the Inner Critic by sarcastically saying things like, “You didn’t blow it for once.  What a miracle!”

The idea that we all have different inner voices, or Parts, is nothing new, although it might seem unfamiliar.  Think of the last time you saw something you really wanted at a store.  Part of you might have really wanted to buy it, while another part might have felt concerned about saving money for upcoming bills.  The same is true when it comes to self-criticism.  The Inner Critic might be hurling insults at you while another part of you tries to defend you from them.  Meanwhile a problem-solving part might be plotting an escape from the Critic by urging you to go to sleep or pour a glass of wine.

Soothing the Inner Critic

Many times when I work with clients, we find that the Inner Critic, although hurtful and disruptive, is actually trying to protect them.  Consider for a moment a life with no Inner Critic at all.  What would you be doing?  I would probably be online shopping or booking an extravagant vacation instead of writing this article!  Thank goodness that if I were to do that, my Inner Critic would remind me that I was skipping an important part of my job that I greatly value.

Believe it or not, all of our Parts, including the Inner Critic, hold some sort of valuable information for us.  When we shut them out, they grow louder and more frustrated, just like if somebody were talking over you when you had an important point to make.  Although it seems contradictory to listen to such a challenging part of yourself, doing so is exactly what will help it calm down and stop being so harsh.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  Never did I say that the unkind words of your Inner Critic are okay.  Self-compassion isn’t about settling for the pain brought on by the bad behavior of your Parts.  Self-compassion does, however, mean hearing them out.  Imagine a child throwing a tantrum.  While the behavior itself is unacceptable, yelling at the child to shut up will likely only make the problem worse.  Taking a deep breath, crouching down so you’re at eye level with him, and asking him what’s wrong with genuine care is far more effective.

Digging Out the Root

Curiosity is key when it comes to self-compassion.  It’s easy to dislike your Inner Critic and other difficult parts of yourself.  Acknowledge any troubling emotions you have towards your Critic, and then ask them to step out of the way so you can get to know the Critic better.  Ask your Critic the same questions you would ask that child in pain.  Why is it so angry?  If it wants you to stop doing something, ask why.  What will happen if you keep doing it?  Why are you doing that thing in the first place?  How is it serving you?  Keep digging.  Stay curious.

The more you get to know your critic, the more compassion you will develop for it, and the more it will soften up.  Have you ever seen a movie with a villain, and then the movie shows what turned the villain evil in the first place?  How do you feel after you learn the whole story?  If you’re anything like me, you end up feeling sorry for the bad guy, and you begin to hope for an ending to the story in which he too can be healed.  This is what happens when we get to know the challenging parts of ourselves.  We no longer need to shower them with positivity meant to silence them, nor do we need to angrily ignore them.  We get to know them for who they really are, and as a result, we can give them what they really need.

Understanding difficult Parts can be hard, confusing work.  Often, in the beginning, parts can seem tangled and indiscernible from one another.  Talking to a counselor can be extremely helpful when it comes to sorting these Parts out and untangling their backgrounds.  If you’re interested in embarking on the journey of self-compassion and discovery.  Reach out today by emailing admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com.

Summer 2020: Introvert Edition

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

As the City of Chicago continues to open up, many are still concerned about their health in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 pandemic.  Sure, you can protect yourself by wearing a mask and washing your hands regularly, but what if you wish to avoid going out altogether unless absolutely necessary?  There is no shame in that!  Everybody has a different level of comfortability when it comes to reentering the world, and many would rather wait for a vaccine.

Introverts tend to enjoy spending time on their own.  Throughout the stricter phases of quarantine, internet memes joked about introverts thriving at home.  However, it’s been almost four months now since COVID precautions officially began, and that’s enough to make even the truest of introverts stir crazy.  Unlike extroverts, introverts who are beginning to crave socialization might not look forward to things like group Zoom sessions or socially-distanced cookouts.  Introverts have their own set of strengths and preferences, which can help them achieve a fun and fulfilling summer, even while managing to stay somewhat apart.

Join an Online Book Club

Introverts are known to enjoy low-key activities that can be done alone, like reading.  Believe it or not, joining a book club doesn’t have to mean meeting up with other people in person.  Reece Witherspoon runs Reece’s Book Club once per month via Instagram, while Goodreads hosts a number of book clubs, such as Emma Watson’s Our Shared Shelf, History Book Club, and New Adult Book Club.  Many more online reading communities can be found through just a quick Google search!

Pick Up a Second Job

Looking to make a little extra money this summer but don’t want to be around others?  Introverts can make great salespeople because of their attention to detail and great listening skills.  Look for sales jobs that allow you to work from home.  Heck, regardless of all the flack they get, even multi-level marketing gigs, such as Amway and Mary Kay, can be lucrative with the right amount of dedication.  Introverts also tend to be great with animals.  Try dog-walking or pet-sitting!  What could be better than getting paid to spend time with furry friends- especially because they haven’t been known to transmit COVID-19?

Volunteer

Because of the pandemic and recent increase in political activism, opportunities to volunteer are ample.  If you’re wanting to make a difference but fear exposure to the masses, consider volunteer activities that can be done from home.  Have you recently read a great antiracism book?  Try writing an article and sharing it with your peers or even publishing it.  If you have extra clothes laying around, consider donating them at a drop-off location.  Are you great at making bracelets?  Great!  Sell them and donate the procedes.  Ask yourself, “What unique skills do I have, and how can I use them to help?”  Opportunities are endless, especially because you can always create your own.

COVID-19, no doubt, is taking place at an inopportune time.  With only about three months of warm weather here in Chicago and no vaccine yet in sight, it’s easy to write Summer 2020 off as a bust.  Before you do, take some time to think about your personality characteristics and how you can creatively put them to use during your extra summer free-time.  By stepping out of your normal summer routines and hobbies, you might be surprised.  This could be the best summer yet.

An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.

13 Tips for Watching 13 Reasons Why

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

On Friday, June 5, Netflix will air its fourth and final season of hit show 13 Reasons Why.  Previous seasons of the show have attracted millions of viewers, but critics worry that the implications of viewing the series could be dangerous.

13 Reasons Why aired its first season in 2017, focusing on the fictional story of Hannah Baker, a 17-year old high school student who committed suicide, leaving behind 13 cassette tapes, each calling out a different person and his or her contribution to her decision.  Not only has the series been criticized for romanticizing suicide, it has also been called out for depicting topics that young viewers might not be equipped to handle, such as sexual assault, bullying, gun violence, and substance abuse.  One study showed an increase in youth suicides after the release of the first season, thus leading to Netflix’s decision to remove a graphic scene of the main character’s suicide.

Regardless of its opposition, the show has since released two more seasons, with the third arriving in a little over a week.  If Season 4 is anything like the last three, viewers are likely to witness more difficult and perhaps even disturbing content.  There are ways, however, to watch the show, learn from it, and protect your mental health while doing so.  If you’re a fan who’s planning on partaking, check out the following 13 tips for a safe and enjoyable viewing experience:

1. Don’t Ignore the Warnings

After receiving backlash, Netflix began including brief videos before the first episodes of Seasons 2 and 3 during which cast members speak directly to the audience, advising them against watching if they are currently struggling with any of the issues depicted in the show.  Heed these warnings to avoid feeling overwhelmed by content that hits too close to home.

2. Watch It With Someone Else

Whether it’s in person or on FaceTime, watch the show with a friend to prevent feeling isolated.  It can seriously help to have another person to chat or “oh my gosh” with during uncomfortable scenes.

3. Leave the Lights On

Watching TV in the dark creates a cinematic experience.  But when watching a show that focuses on such heavy topics, leaving the lights on can help you stay grounded and less wrapped up in the emotions of the characters.

4. Chunk It

Binge watching is tempting, especially during quarantine.  But 13 straight hours of somber?  That’s enough to suck the soul out of anybody.  Allow yourself the excitement of suspense by spacing out the episodes over at least a few days.

5. Go Outside

Between episodes, take breaks to go outside and remind yourself that unlike in the forever-overcast town of Crestmont, the sun still shines and all is not lost.

6. Watch the Interviews

It’s hard to believe that Jessica Davis’s real name isn’t Jessica Davis.  The 13 Reasons Why actors are convincing, and it can make the show seem so real.  Watching interviews of cast members like Alisha Boe (the real Jessica Davis), might help put some mental separation between you and the emotions of the characters.

7. If You’re Already Having a Bad Day, Watch Something Else

Take my word for it on this one.  This is not the show that’s gonna lift you out of your funk.

8. Eat, Drink Water, Sleep, and Shower

All these things are part of a healthy self-care routine.  The urge to watch “just one more episode” before eating lunch or going to sleep is real, but forgoing these things for the sake of seeing what happens to Clay Jensen just isn’t worth it.  All it does is make you more susceptible to being negatively affected by the show.

9. Skip Upsetting Scenes

If you’re a fan of the series but are worried about scenes that might be a bit too intense, ask a friend who watches Season 4 before you to take note of any parts containing the type of content you want to avoid.  Then, hit fast forward during those parts and ask that friend to fill you in, minus the details.

10. Grab Your Pets

Companion animals have been linked with all kinds of emotional benefits including reduced anxiety and depression.  Turn your cat or dog into a fan of 13 Reasons Why by snuggling them while you watch.

11. Create an Alternate Ending

I don’t know the show’s ending.  But if for some reason, it doesn’t seem right to you, or if there was an issue in one of the episodes that you feel wasn’t handled appropriately, write down what could’ve happened instead.  What could the producers have done differently to make the show more helpful and socially responsible?

12. Utilize the Resources

The show’s official website, 13reasonswhy.info, offers a number of resources including links to various mental health organizations’ websites, crisis hotline numbers for 58 countries, a discussion guide, and short videos explaining how to handle real issues like suspected violence, friends who are depressed, and consent.  Familiarize yourself with the site and take advantage of its offerings if you think they could be helpful.

13.  Talk About It

13 Reasons Why has the potential to be highly impactful if watched and processed with intention.  Take the time to talk about feelings and opinions that arise while you watch.  Make sure you’re talking with someone you feel emotionally safe with, such as a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.  Talking prevents tough feelings from festering, and it’s also the first step to healing.

The decision of whether or not to watch 13 Reasons Why is personal, and it should not be informed solely by others’ opinions, negative or positive.  If you choose to watch, pay attention to the sometimes subtle messages your body sends you, such as thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations (like your gut feeling).  Regardless of how far in you are, remember that you can always decide to switch off the TV if it becomes too much.  After all, you can always read the spoilers.

Finding Happiness Now

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Rumor has it, quarantine might soon be coming to an end.  States like Florida recently started welcoming customers back into bars and restaurants, allowing what some may consider a much-needed dose of normalcy.  Here in Illinois, we have yet to hear of a specific reopening date.  The end of solitude seems so close, and at the same time, so far.

Anticipation, whether about the end of quarantine, a new job, a new apartment, or a vacation, pulls us into the future, where we plan for and fantasize about glorious things to come.  This kind of daydreaming can feel like an escape, especially when the present isn’t exactly ideal.  It provides relief from the monotony of another day spent at home and offers delicious, even if only imagined, happiness.  Or does it?

While you might think that picturing upcoming days of freedom is the only way to make it through the rest of lockdown with your sanity still intact, research shows that this kind of mental time travel actually decreases happiness overall.  After conducting a study on thousands of people using a happiness-measuring smartphone app, Harvard psychologist, Matt Killingsworth, found that happiness is only slightly connected to life circumstances and events.  However, subjects who reported being mentally engaged in whatever tasks they were doing right before rating their moods showed much higher rates of happiness than those who were “mind wandering” instants before checking in.

In other words, while mentally drifting to better days ahead might seem like the cure for quarantine blues, doing so might actually be decreasing your mood.  In the same study, Killingsworth assessed the impact of mental wandering during unpleasant situations, such as while commuting.  Again, participants who zoned out while commuting reported lower happiness levels than those who remained focused on their drives, even if the former were thinking about something pleasant.

This information, while perhaps surprising, is hardly new.  The ancient Eastern practice of mindfulness, the awareness of one’s present physical, mental, and emotional state, has boomed in popularity in the United States since the late 70s, promising peace and fulfillment to its practitioners.  The idea is that when we trade in the present moment for visions of the future or past, we lose contact with the only reality we actually have, therefore robbing ourselves of the ability to enjoy it.

It’s important to remember that just because staying present in the moment leads to greater happiness than mind-wandering does, presence does not guarantee total happiness all the time.  Life inherently brings about a wide range of emotions, some of which are more comfortable than others.  Mental escapism serves as a distraction but renders us unable to respond to our current emotional needs, much less experience the good that almost always comes with the bad.

Next time you find yourself drifting through your thoughts, try asking yourself one of my all-time favorite questions (if you’ve been in therapy with me, you understand):  How helpful is this?  Are your thoughts helping you prepare for something or inspiring creativity?  Or are they leaving you feeling scrambled and disconnected?  If the answer to my question above is, “Not very,” gently bring yourself back to the moment and experience the mood-altering effects.  The present is a gift.  Let yourself have it.

Shining Light Onto Shame

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

The sinking feeling of shame- everybody knows it.  Unlike guilt, which is focused on regretted behavior, shame is the deeper belief that there is something wrong with you.  According to Brene Brown, shame researcher and viral Ted Talk speaker, guilt sounds like, “I’m sorry; I made a mistake,” while shame condemns, “I’m sorry; I am a mistake.”

Brown also asserts that while shame is painful, it is a necessary part of our development.  Where there is growth, there is first failure, and where there is failure, there’s bound to be shame.  If we believe the voice of shame when it tells us we’re better off not trying because we’re not good enough to succeed anyways, we miss out on opportunities to create, adapt, and evolve.

So what does this mean?  Does becoming the person you want to be mean enduring a lifetime of unrelenting internal criticism?  No.  In fact, just the opposite is true.

Shame flourishes in the dark.  It thrives on secrecy, silence, judgment, and the belief that you are alone.  Imagine that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Immediately, you begin to think, “I could never do that.  It’s too hard, and I’m too stupid and talentless.”  You don’t bother telling your friends how you’re feeling because then, they’ll see how incompetent you are.  After all, they’d never get it because they’re all so good at everything they do.  Instead of trying, you give up, and rather than going away, your shame grows bigger, saying, “Look at you.  You quit everything.”

Now, imagine again that you’re wanting to learn a new skill.  Shame rears its ugly head saying the same things about you not being good enough and so on and so forth, but instead, this time, you pick up the phone and call a friend and say, “I’m scared.  This is really hard, and I don’t know if I can do it.  I don’t know if I have what it takes.”  Your friend answers back with words of encouragement and maybe a story about a time she struggled with something, and suddenly, your shame is replaced with courage.  You don’t know if you’ll succeed or not, but you’re reminded that you’re not alone in your struggle, and even if you do fail, you still have a friend who loves you anyways.

The antidote for shame is empathy, both from others and from yourself.  When we run from our shame, it stacks up brick by brick, adding new shame on top of old shame on top of even older shame.  When we pull back the curtain, we’re able to connect with others who share the same pain and let go of the belief that no one else could possibly be this “messed up.”

By witnessing our own shame, we can begin to understand where it comes from.  Is shame covering up for guilt about something you need to make right?  Was shame cast onto you by somebody else a long time ago?  Is there a wound that needs healing?  You can’t know until you turn on the lights and look.

Uncovering shame and its roots can be scary.  It is not a task to take lightly.  Owning your shame doesn’t mean wearing it on your sleeve.  Next time the drive-thru attendant at Starbucks asks you how you’re doing, you don’t have to answer back, “I’m feeling really ashamed today!”  Shame is something that needs to be processed delicately, with the person or people you trust the most.  When examining your own shame, approach it with self-compassion and curiosity.  Have patience with yourself, and instead of expecting some kind of epic breakthrough where you no longer believe you can do any wrong, give yourself permission to work towards believing just three simple things:  “I am not perfect.  I am human.  I am enough.”

Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.

Is Social Media Ruining your Social Distancing Experience?

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Social media:  good or evil? The battle is nothing new.  What is new is that now, for the first time, users are engaging in social media while practicing social distancing, away from the outside world.

During this unprecedented time, one could argue that social media is more important than ever.  Platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat connect us to friends and family members that we might otherwise be separated from.  Coronavirus memes help us use humor to cope with a troubling situation. Online discussions about our hobbies, interests, the latest TV shows (Tiger King, anyone?) remind us that although we are apart, we still have so much in common.  

Professionals and even celebrities have also been using social media in creative and helpful ways.  Artists, such as Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, John Legend, and Billie Eilsih, have used Instagram to perform live streams and connect with their fans.  Likewise, yoga teachers, counselors, dieticians, and doctors hold classes and workshops, via social media, to help followers stay physically and mentally healthy during quarantine. In a world where we’ve been advised to stay in our respective homes, social media gives us an avenue to remain together in spirit and access resources that can be incredibly useful.

While the positive aspects of social media during this time are undeniable, like anything, it can be harmful in excess- especially now.  Social media has a way of keeping us engaged. Most of us are familiar with the experience of innocently logging into Facebook to check our messages and finding ourselves, an hour later, watching videos of puppies or clicking through pictures of somebody we haven’t seen in ten years.  This can feel like a waste of time at best, and at worst, cause us to procrastinate important tasks. Couple perceived wasted time with the seemingly-endless posts you’re likely to come across about “staying productive” during quarantine, and you’ve fixed yourself a dangerous cocktail of possible self-criticism and even shame.

It’s no secret that social media can have a detrimental impact on self-esteem.  Anytime we peer into the lives of others, we risk the possibility of unhealthy comparisons.  Now, however, we are viewing social media in the absence of exposure to the real world. We have lost the majority of our opportunities to go outside and see what the average person looks like.  Instead, we see more carefully-selected, and often Photoshopped or Face Tuned, photographs taken from flattering angles. Friends haven’t stopped Snapchatting pictures of their Quarantine Cuties, but now, singles no longer have the ability to go to social gatherings in the hope of meeting their own special someone.  Because of the Coronavirus, our worlds have all grown smaller, and if used without caution, social media can make it easier than ever for our perceptions of ourselves to become negatively skewed.

Am I suggesting that everybody give up social media for the rest of the quarantine?  No. I am not. Instead, I encourage you to practice mindfulness around your usage. If you are noticing increased anxiety, depression, or negative self-talk after spending time on social media, consider limiting how much time you spend online per day.  Reduce your temptation to constantly log on by turning off your notifications. Unfollow accounts that lead you to comparison, as well as those that spike your anxiety (many people report heightened anxiety after seeing social media posts about the Coronavirus, itself).  Also, consider the content that you are posting. If you find yourself posting selfies in hopes of accumulating likes to increase your self-esteem, you might actually be worsening it. Now might also be a time to question the helpfulness of controversial posts that frequently lead to online arguments.

Most importantly, check in with yourself.  Notice your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations while using social media.  Trust yourself. If you experience self-bullying, feelings of hopelessness, tightness in your chest, or similar experiences, it may be time to rethink whether or not social media is serving you at this time.

Coronavirus and Eating Disorder Recovery

By Mary Claire Schibelka

Eating disorder recovery is one of the most rewarding, yet difficult, journeys upon which a person can embark.  As if it isn’t challenging enough, those in recovery must now navigate its waters while being stuck inside their homes in quarantine, preventing the spread of COVID-19, or Coronavirus.  Eating disorders, like most other mental health issues, thrive in isolation. Throw in a dose of fear, restricted movement, and grocery store chaos, and you have what seems to be the perfect breeding ground for eating disorder thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  But what if mandated social distancing could be looked at as an opportunity to go further in recovery than ever before? By setting the right mindset and using this extra downtime for self-exploration and self-care, those in recovery can exit quarantine stronger than they went in.

Normalize the Resurfacing of Old Thoughts

Now is a great time to offer yourself some extra compassion.  Anytime we are faced with new and significant stressors, it is normal to feel the temptation to return to old ways of coping.  The Coronavirus has infused our world with fear and uncertainty. Moreso, recommendations or mandates to stay at home cause limited contact with therapists, dietitians, and friends.  Be aware of surges in eating disorder-related thoughts, but be careful not to shame yourself. For most people in recovery, eating disorders, although ultimately ineffective, were once a way of momentarily managing difficult emotions.

Your Body can Handle This

For those with a history of restrictive eating behaviors, the fear of not getting enough movement, and therefore gaining weight, while quarantining can be all encompassing.  Those more prone to bingeing might be triggered by stockpiles of food in the house. Remember that just because you are not able to do as much physically right now, that does not mean that your body needs less food.  Most of the body’s energy goes towards maintaining its essential functions, and it is designed to handle fluctuations in exercise throughout your life. Likewise, grocery stores have reported that they are not going to run out of food.  There is no need to eat as much as possible now in fear that you will not have the opportunity later.  Instead, stick to a normal eating routine. Eat at the same times that you usually would, and continue following your dietitian-recommended meal plan if you have one.

Use Coping Skills

By practicing new, or perhaps neglected, coping skills while being forced to stay inside, you might find yourself stronger than ever upon the passing of COVID-19.  If you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk, try journaling the words of your ED voice and writing back to them from your recovery voice. Unfollow any social media accounts that contribute to comparison or body-shaming thoughts.  Read books or articles about body image. Make a list of things you like about yourself. Consider choosing a trusted friend and calling him or her to discuss how you’re feeling. Finally, many therapists, including us here at ELEVATED Life Counseling, are offering virtual therapy sessions, where you can process your experiences with an eating disorder recovery professional.  Reach out to a counselor or dietitian, or maybe schedule an appointment with one for the very first time.

Coronavirus has brought upon us a time of unprecedented uncertainty.  While returning to eating disorder behaviors might seem like the answer, anyone who has been in recovery knows that coping in such ways only leads to deepened anxiety, depression, and isolation.  Take this opportunity to challenge unhelpful beliefs about food and your body. Instead, practice self-care and compassion, and find out for yourself that you are capable of overcoming even the most challenging of times.

Asking for Help: Taking a Mental Trust Fall

I watched helplessly as the flood waters rose.  Panicking, my husband and I tried to barricade certain areas of our apartment with anything absorbent.  Towels. Old clothes. Spare bed sheets. We tried to bail out as much water as we could, which was really only effective in reducing the helplessness we felt versus actually making an impact on the rising water.

If you live in the Midwest you know about the torrential downpours that appear out of nowhere, dumping down on everything in sight.  It happens a handful of times a year and if you don’t actually get caught in one of these storms they can be pretty cool to watch. On this night, however, it was pure hell and high water.

The hours ticked by into the early morning as we dealt with the clean up, but we knew that there was going to be damage to our home.  The next 48 hours were spent in some denial of the amount of damage until we got the news that the hardwood floors needed to be ripped up and about 2 feet of drywall around our apartment needed to be cut out to avoid any mold forming.  This meant that we were out of a home for the foreseeable future...Crap!

This was the time to call on my support system, both for emotional support and physical...because we needed somewhere to live for the month.  This is a topic that gets brought up a lot in the therapy room: support systems. What are they? When do I need to use them? How do I form one?  And probably the most difficult part: When I need it, how do I ask for help?

In my case, my husband is the biggest support I have and I’m lucky to have someone I feel comfortable with asking for help.  However, when we are both going through a shit storm we rely on our friends to be there for us. This is often a very vulnerable experience for me.  It’s one thing to ask for a listening ear to air some extra stress, it’s much bigger to ask for a temporary home for a month.

One of my friends put it best: Asking for help is like a mental trust fall. You feel fairly certain that people will be there to catch you, but right before you ask comes the worry. Will they be available? Am I asking too much?  Will they just begrudgingly say yes? 

Setting up a good support system takes time because of how trust is formed.  We form trust by sharing bits about ourselves and seeing how people take it in.  If it goes well, we share more. Once enough trust is formed we can begin to ask for small things of our supporters and increase those asks over time.  Remember: in any relationship give and take is a must, so make sure you’re also available to show up for those in your life when they ask something of you. 

When you ask for help, be yourself.  It’s okay to show your nerves and awkwardness (like me) when you explain the situation.  It’s best to be genuine. Express how you’re feeling, whether it’s wishing you didn’t have to ask, or being grateful to have people in your lives to ask in the first place.  Be direct instead of beating around the bush. Don’t hint at what you need. If you just need to be heard, ask for it. If you need a place to stay for a month, ask for it. And of course, express all of your appreciation for their support.

As I deal with the aftermath of this flood, I realize that I know people are there to support me and my husband.  Even though I know that, it hasn’t made it any easier to actually ask for the help we need. It really is like standing with your back toward a group of people and falling, hoping that they will catch you.  I’m grateful that so far, that has been the case with this crisis. Next time you’re in need of help, take a deep breath and fall back on your support system. Even though it’s scary and takes a lot of trust, it’s worth it to have the support.

THIS is the key to change

I’m sitting in the chair with my mouth wide open.  I’m staring at the ceiling as the drill starts up. I smell the horrible smell of bone being shaved off my tooth.  I taste the bitterness of the adhesive sliding on to my tongue. The dentist stands over me. Just behind him is the computer screen where I can see my “treatment plan,” aka all of the work that’s ahead of me in the months to come.  I breathe and think to myself “I can do this. I can do this.”

There’s a break in the procedure where I have time to sit with the unpleasantness I'm experiencing and also the sheer dread of the rest of the work I will have to get done.  My treatment plan sits there mocking me. As the technician comes back she say, “Are you okay, you look like you’re about to cry!” I mumble back, “No I’m fine” as I think to myself, I’m not in physical pain...no, this is the face of regret.  I’m regretting my sheer avoidance of the dentist for longer than I care to admit.  Regretting only doing the minimum twice-a-day brushing on top of a steady intake of sugar for the last decade.  Regretting all the money I’ll be forking over to fix all of this.  

And in that moment I mentally commit to never being in this position again.  I vow to brush, floss, mouthwash, and repeat so that I never have to feel this again. "Enough is enough," I say to myself.

Some might call this my rock bottom of oral care.  A wake-up call. Come to Jesus moment. Whatever you call it, it was the moment where the pain of staying the same outweighed the pain of changing.  I had suffered enough to decide that I needed to change. This, my friends, is the key to change: using the principles of pain (and pleasure).

The forces that motivate humans the most are pain and pleasure.  If enough of either are applied we typically respond. If a few years ago someone had offered me great sums of money to stay on top of flossing my teeth, chances are I would have done it.  In the same way, experiencing the complete unpleasantness that is dental work has now helped me comply to a thorough regimen.

The problem with using pain and pleasure to enact change is this that there is a delay.

In real life pleasure is normally something that comes much later, making it difficult for us to stay on top of the change we want to make.  If you are unsatisfied with your job and struggle to get yourself to update your resume and cover letter, network, and start applying for new jobs, you likely won’t see the fruits of your labor until you’re actually settled in to a new job.  Waiting for the pleasure makes it hard to motivate yourself to start the process, which is why people usually wait for the pain to set in before getting started. Many people wait until they are so miserable in their current job that they have that “enough is enough” moment which gets them to act.

Pain usually is more motivating for humans than pleasure, however, I think most of us would agree that it is not ideal to wait until we hit rock bottom before we act.  So how can we use the pain and pleasure principle to help motivate us to change? Our imagination.

Right now, call to mind something that you would like to see changed in your life.  Take a few moments to journal and fully imagine what life would look like as you consider the following (note: this is much more effective if you allow yourself to fully feel your feelings as you move through this): 

What would life look like if you haven’t made this change in the next 6 months?  What about in the next year? What about the next 5 years? 10? 20? Allow yourself to really imagine what might happen in the future.  How would you feel? What would it cost you emotionally? What would it cost you financially? What would your relationships be like? What would be the impact on your health?  

Really vividly bring these images up and feel what it’s like.

The idea here is to make it so unbearable that you have to change today.  Enough is enough!

Now, take a few moments to journal and fully imagine life if you did make a change, again fully feeling everything that comes up:

If this change were to happen today, what would life look like in the next 6 months?  What about in the next year? What about the next 5 years? 10? 20? Allow yourself to really imagine what might happen in future.  How would you feel? What would it be like financially? What would your relationships be like? What would be the impact on your health?

Hopefully you enjoyed the latter exercise more.  Because using our imagination is not quite as impactful as literal pain and pleasure, I recommend that you come back to the exercise consistently.  It’s helpful to drive these feelings it into your nervous system, which can only happen if you fully allow yourself to feel the feelings.  

Tips to Effectively Manage Avoidance

You’re sitting in your living room watching yet another episode of The Office.  You’ve seen it a million times, at least.  In the back of your mind you’re aware of that nagging thought.  You ignore it and go back to Jim’s latest prank on Dwight. The thought pops up again.  You ignore it. It pops up again. You ignore it. It pops again and this time you’re even aware that by ignoring it you’re only making it worse than actually attending to it.  And yet, you ignore it.

You’ve found yourself suspended in avoidance.  But the worst kind of avoidance - one foot in awareness that you are avoiding and the other foot in the commitment to continuing to avoid.  You’re not even enjoying the procrastination, but you keep on doing it.

Avoidance is one of the most common issues I have seen as a therapist.  People tend to avoid tasks from simple chores to the complexity of attending to bills and bank statements.  Some neglect attending to certain relationships with friends or family. Other people may avoid places or experiences even when it’s ineffective like skipping work or that one crucial networking event.  It is even a common experience for some to wish to escape the simple act of just being still.  

What avoidance boils down to is an aversion to uncomfortable emotions that the target of the avoidance brings up. 

People avoid in all types of ways.  They may numb through excessive alcohol use, video games, or media.  They may over commit themselves with a busy schedule, or just flat-out procrastinate.

Why do we do this, especially when we hit that critical moment of being aware that avoidance isn’t feeling good anymore? Why do we still commit ourselves to avoidance?  Sometimes we are so conditioned to engage in this response that it’s extremely hard to break the cycle. Other times we may fear the emotions that come up so much with whatever we are avoiding that we opt for the unpleasantness of knowing we are not doing what we “should” be doing.

Believe it or not, there is a way out.  You can learn to turn off The Office and stop ignoring things in your life.  Check out some of the strategies that may help:

Eat the Frog

Mark Twain wrote that if you start your day by eating a frog you can be assured that everything else in your day won’t be quite as unpleasant.  Essentially, this is saying do the thing that you least want to do first. Get it out of the way. It’s amazing what a relief it is, which might make it that much more reinforcing to do it again tomorrow.  Speaking of reinforcement….

Set up a reward system

Whether it’s the simplest of tasks or something you’ve been avoiding for weeks it can be helpful to have a reward at the end of it.  The key with using a reward system, though, is that it has to truly be something you’ll work to get. Because we live in a society of instant gratification it can actually be difficult to think about something that would serve as a reward great enough to get us moving.  I often encourage clients to think of something so indulgent they usually don’t allow themselves that thing. You have to go further than a mani-pedi, especially if you know every Tuesday you are scheduled at the nail salon. Don’t give yourself something you would naturally give yourself anyway.  Think big!

Check in with your values

It’s okay if we simply just don’t want to do something.  However, sometimes there are things that are worth willing ourselves to do.  Usually those things are aspects of our lives that create meaning and fulfillment, they are the things we value most.  Remembering that you value an abundant career may make you more willing to attend that networking event, despite the social anxiety that creeps up.  Calling to mind that cultivating deeper friendships or family relationships brings meaning to your life may make it easier to finally pick up the phone. Check out how what you typically avoid may fall into your set of values.

If you’re going to avoid, at least do it skillfully

And if at the end of the day you still haven’t balanced your checkbook (does anyone still do that?) and you reach for the remote for one last episode before you go to bed, know that you don’t have to shame yourself or be critical of yourself.  Know that shame and self-judgment rarely lead to long term change. The reality is, many people procrastinate, put off, and avoid the unpleasant things in life. You’re not alone! If you’re going to do it, at least be fully present in what you are doing to avoid it.  Enjoy that episode you’ve seen a dozen times, find that one thing that makes social media more interesting this time around, get captivated in whatever you’re doing, knowing that you will likely have to attend to the thing you are putting off at some point.