You Seem Distant: withdrawing in relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all have patterns in our relationships we know are not helpful for the longevity of the relationship.  You may act passive aggressively.  You may retaliate with hostility when you’re feeling stressed or angry.  You and your partner may bicker or fight often, leading to disconnection.  Whatever you may find yourself doing, very few things approach the sadness and destructiveness of a partner who withdraws from the relationship when feeling displeased, angry, or hurt. 

Those who withdraw do so in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  Withdrawing can look like taking more time to oneself like watching TV in a different room.  Some might get more involved with friends or their communities, leaving less time for home and their relationship.  It can look like less communication about how one is feeling, less quality (or even neutral) time spent with a partner, more hours at the office, or even cheating.  Withdrawing mentally can happen with thoughts like: I’ll just stop caring, or I’m going to check out.

Now don’t get me wrong, space and individual development is completely healthy and to be encouraged within relationships, but be aware of the intention behind the need to take space.  Are you engaging in the things in which you’re interested or are you engaging in anything except your relationship?  Withdrawing is the latter.  

Just as withdrawing is not the same as healthy individuation it’s also not the same as getting even.  I’ve written before about partners who get even through retaliation.  Many of the withdrawing behaviors can look like the things we do to get even (e.g. silent treatment, pouting, abruptly leaving).  However, there is one key difference between people who get even versus people who withdraw: resignation.  

For those who want to get even, they are actually trying to seek change in the relationship, albeit ineffectively, which proves they are still invested in the relationship.  Those who withdraw do so because they often feel like there is no point to trying anymore.  There is no point having the same argument anymore, it won’t go anywhere.  There is no point in expecting him/her/them to meet my needs, so I’ll find another way.  There is no point to hoping that things will get better, so I better fend for myself.

Hopelessness becomes the companion to the resignation.  These two feelings cause someone to move in a particular direction when things get tense in a relationship, either inward or outward, but certainly not toward one’s partner.

If withdrawing is part of your pattern, what can you do about it?  First, be aware of all of the thoughts and assumptions you are making about your current situation and check to see if they are factual.  Is it really true that there is no way to change something you’re displeased about in your relationship?  Is it a fact that there isn’t a different way to approach a particular challenge?

Discuss this pattern with your partner.  When you’re both calm and comfortable talk about how you tend to disengage a bit from the relationship when things get tough.  Chances are your partner has noticed this already.  Talking about it increases accountability and also provides a launching point to discuss longer standing issues in the relationship.  Withdrawing is often a consequence to those longer standing issues.

When you find you want to withdraw, stop yourself and try to lean toward your partner instead of yourself.  Start small: if your tendency is to physically leave or distance yourself, stay for as long as you can.  If you stop talking in the midst of a difficult conversation, acknowledge to your partner that you are disengaging and talk about what feeling is triggering it.  It’s okay to take a break, but push yourself to set a time to re-engage in the conversation.  Identify small action steps that produce an orientation toward the relationship rather than away from it.

When it doesn’t seem like things will get better in a relationship, withdrawing makes sense.  However, if you are still committed to your partner, you’ll want to work out this tendency to distance yourself.  As always individual and couples therapy can be helpful in this process.   

I’ll Show You: Unpacking the Urge to Get Even in Relationships

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

We all know that no relationship is perfect.  Fighting is a normal and healthy part of every relationship.  But when you feel hurt, rejected, ignored or dismissed by your partner, how do you handle it?  Do you attempt to keep getting your point across?  Do you try to control how your partner behaves?  When you're hurt, do you tell your partner everything they’ve ever done to hurt you? Or do you get back at them somehow, either discreetly or overtly?

Some people do a combo of all these strategies, but today we will explore the last one: getting even.

“Getting even” sounds a bit dramatic, so let me provide an example.  Though I’m not proud of it, I’m a pouter.  I started doing this when I was a child, when I felt I was being ignored, and I continue to do it on occasion with my husband (though I’m much better than I used to be).  When I pout I don’t make eye contact, I use short, cold quips to communicate and I also lie and say “I’m fine.”

As you can imagine this behavior irritates the hell out of my husband, as he searches for the reasons why I’m upset.  At the beginning of our relationship, this could go on for hours.  Now, I’m pleased to inform you that the longest I pout is about 30 minutes or so before I come back to being the evolved, mature adult that I am.

What doesn’t always seem clear when you try to get even is that you are actually trying to get your needs met, just in a wonky way.  There is usually an unconscious desire to act in a way that will make your mate feel the same things that you feel.  Unconsciously you hope that if they know how it feels to be hurt in the way they hurt you, they won’t do it again.  If, for example, you argue with your partner and feel unheard or invalidated, you may give them the silent treatment. You’re hoping that they will experience what it’s like to feel unheard and unseen, thinking that if they know how painful it is, they will change their behavior.

In the words of famous TV personality, Dr. Phil, “How’s that working for you?”  If you find that you keep repeating the retaliatory behavior, it’s probably not gleaning the desired effect.  

Other examples of getting even include: the silent treatment, withholding sex or intimacy, withdrawing from your partner with anger and resentment, cheating, neglecting aspects of home life like chores and family time, talking negatively to your partner’s family about your partner, putting your partner down in front of family/children and friends, using alcohol and substances in response to an argument, using your kids as leverage, crossing financial boundaries you’ve set, name calling, or not showing up for important events because you are mad. This is not an exhaustive list.  Getting even can look like just about anything in a relationship, so it’s important to search for the intended reaction you are hoping to get out of your partner to determine if this is what you are doing.  

These misguided attempts to get your needs met usually just produce more chaos and disconnection in the relationship.  The first step to changing this behavior is recognizing when you do this yourself and identifying the consequences that follow.  Write down how you’ve attempted to get even with your partner and whether or not it has actually worked in your favor in the long term of the relationship.

If you notice yourself heading in that direction, working to get even, stop and breath for a moment.  Take a break if necessary by going for a walk or a drive (but communicate that to your partner first).  Understand that “getting even” is an ineffective way to get what you want.  Be stern with yourself with statements like “cut it out” or “that’s not helpful.”  Coax yourself back to being the mature adult who wants to make the relationship work.  Choose a calmer moment to talk to your partner about what you need from them.

Ultimately, if you are still not getting what you need from your partner, consider seeing a couples therapist.  It can be helpful to have a third party help you through issues that continue to pop up in the relationship.