Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)