How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with?  When was the last time you felt that?  If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry.  You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.

According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky.  After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.

We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.

It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together.  Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:

Set Aside Time for Each Other

Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner.  Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind.  It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.

Make Sex a Priority

Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical.  Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates.  There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex.  Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected.  Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.

Express Your Gratitude

Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for.  Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed.  Then, thank him or her sincerely.  It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.

Stay Respectful

Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice.  You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap.  Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry.  For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names.  These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.

If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long.  It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to.  While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them.  Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.

Related Articles:

How Happy Couples Fight

How To Get Your Partner To Adopt Your Love Language

Trying To Control Your Partner: A Hindrance, Not A Help

Intimacy Uncovered: What You Need to Know about Sexual Shame and How to Heal

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How do you feel when you think about sex?  Do you feel excited, confident, or eager to connect with the person you love?  If so, give yourself a pat on the back.  You likely enjoy sex.

But what if sex brings up different feelings for you?  Feelings like embarrassment, fear, disgust, or self-consciousness?  You may be struggling with sexual shame.  You are not alone.

What is Sexual Shame?

Human sexuality can be a source of intimacy, power, creativity, and pleasure.  Unfortunately, if you grew up in a household where sex was considered dirty, immoral, or tabboo, or if you are a survivor of sexual abuse or a recipient of shaming messages about your body, the thought of sex alone might be enough to make your skin crawl.

Sexual shame is the experience of feeling “bad,” “wrong,” or inferior about any of the following:

• Body size or shape

• Appearance of genitals

• Sexual bodily fluids

• Sexual desire

• Fantasies

• Kinks

• Sexual performance

• Attraction

Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?

Sexual shame can be a result of direct messages from parents or religious figures about sex being dirty, sinful, or shameful.  It can also result from implicit societal messaging, including pornography, advertising, cultural norms, and music.

For example, a child who is caught masturbating and scolded for touching his or her genitals might learn to equate sexual pleasure with immorality.  Similarly, a woman of color who repeatedly sees porn consisting of only slender, white women may come to believe that her body is ugly or undesirable.

Naturally, sexual abuse can create a unique set of negative associations around sex.  Individuals who have experienced sexual abuse can struggle with shame caused by blaming themselves for the abuse or feeling like their bodies betrayed them by feeling physical pleasure during something they now know was wrong.

Regardless of the sources of sexual shame, healing is possible with therapy, personal practices, or a combination of both.

Breaking the Curse

If you struggle with sexual shame, hearing friends, R&B artists, and rom com characters talking about the pleasure they feel from sex can feel alienating.  You may feel hopeless, like you’ve been cursed to live a life of sexual dissatisfaction forever.  This is not the case!  The following exercises can help you reduce sexual shame and discover the intimacy and pleasure of sex, maybe for the first time.

Talk About It

Shame thrives in the dark.  Shed light on sexual shame by talking about it with people you trust.  As you notice the feelings that arise when you talk about sexual shame, take deep breaths and imagine them moving through you until they eventually dissipate.  Each time you do this, you will release more of the shame built up inside.

Have Sex with Safe People

Learn or relearn the true beauty of sex by having it with people who accept you and allow you to feel safe in your vulnerability.  Try out different sexual positions, speeds, and activities, making sure to stay open minded while also holding boundaries that align with your values and level of comfortability.

Look at Your Genitals in a Mirror

Believe it or not, many people have not done this.  Get as comfortable with seeing your genitals as you are with seeing the rest of your face and body.  Not comfortable looking at yourself in the mirror at all?  Spend more time looking at your entire being!  The more comfortable you get with yourself, the more comfortable you will feel being naked with another person.

Invite Curiosity about Where Beliefs Come From

If you experience sexual shame but never thought much about it, now is the time to get curious.  Identify the negative beliefs you have about sex or your body, and ask yourself where they come from.  If you realize that they stem from culture or religion, study these structures and develop your own understanding of them.  I’m not saying throw out everything you believe in, but ask yourself if any of your shaming beliefs might be rooted in misinterpretations, or if they are missing a necessary element of self-compassion.  Consider what it would look like to let go of shame and still remain true to your values.

Moving Forward

Sexual shame is not an easy beast to wrestle with.  Often, it is a slow process that requires appreciation for each inch moved closer to appreciation for your sexuality.  To learn more about sexual shame, where it comes from, and how to overcome it, reach out to admin@elevatedlifecounseling.com

Related articles:

Set Your Sex Life on Fire:  The Difference between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

Is Faith-Based Counseling Right for You?

Let’s Talk About Sex: Tips for Talking to Your Partner about Your Sex Life

Shining Light onto Shame

Set Your Sex Life on Fire: The Difference Between Sexual Intercourse and Sensual Intercourse

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

When I tell my clients to begin practicing sensual intercourse instead of the same sexual intercourse they’ve always had, I am often met with looks of confusion.  The words “sexual” and “sensual” are used interchangeably, potentially causing many to think, “What’s the difference?”  Sexual intercourse can be great.  Some might consider it one of life’s greatest pleasures- that is until they’ve discovered sensual intercourse.

Sexuality vs. Sensuality

Sexuality is a biological drive embedded in humans for the purpose of procreation and pleasure.  Sexual desire can feel like an impulse or an itch for which orgasm is the scratch.  When it’s good, sex can be exciting and pleasurable.  When it’s not, it can be monotonous, goal-driven, and disconnected.  Many couples who have either been together for a long time and grown sick of their sex life, or those who never had good sex to begin with, might even go into autopilot mode during sex.

Sensuality is the act of being present and connected with your five senses.  Sensuality can be practiced in anything you do.  For instance, when washing the dishes, you can bring awareness to the warmth of the water, sight of the bubbles, smell of the dish soap, and sounds of dishes clinking together.  When it comes to sex, sensuality can creates more connectedness, intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction during each experience.

What Is Sensual Intercourse?

For a better understanding of the difference between sexual and sensual intercourse, imagine the difference between taking a quick shower before work and a relaxing shower after a long day.  Quick morning showers are typically goal oriented.  Get clean, and move on to the rest of your day.  They get the job done, but aren’t particularly enjoyable.

Evening showers are much more luxurious and experience driven.  Picture yourself lighting a candle and watching the soft flicker of the flame as you breathe in the aroma of your favorite body wash.  The warm water soothes your sore muscles.  The rain-like sound of the water hitting the tub lures you into a dreamlike state.  The end result of cleanliness is satisfying, and the process is indulgent.

Now, imagine this kind of sex.  Sensual intercourse begins even before you and your partner are in the same room.  Desire itself is erotic.  Then, kissing becomes a pleasure of its own.  Touch feels electric.  Foreplay and intercourse are decadent.  An orgasm is just the icing on the cake.  This mindset is not only helpful for increasing the physical pleasure of sex, but also for reducing the pressure of orgasm-driven sex.  During sensual intercourse, the entire journey is pleasurable, whether you have an orgasm or not.

This Sounds Great!  How Do I Do It?

There are several steps you can take if you’re ready to upgrade from sexual to sensual intercourse:

1)  Focus on the 5 senses without judgment.

Society teaches us that there are “right” and “wrong” ways to have sex.  Movies, stories from your friends, and pornography can set expectations for how you “should” be doing it.  Sensual intercourse requires letting go of these judgments and allowing yourself to do whatever feels pleasurable to you during sex while noticing what you see, hear, smell, taste, and feel.  One way to do this is to focus on your breath during sex.  If judgments come up, notice them, and then return to your breath, along with whatever you’re sensing in that moment.

2)  Experience your emotions.

Noticing whatever emotions come up for you during sex can enhance your experience.  You may expect to only feel emotions like love or excitement during sex, but the truth is, your body stores all different kinds of emotions in your hips, buttocks, groin, and genitals.  Notice whatever comes up.  If it’s pleasant, bask in it.  If it’s not, get curious about where those feelings are coming from and make changes to what you’re doing if necessary.  If you trust your partner, exploring difficult emotions that arise during sex together can actually lead to more intimacy, trust, and better sex in the future.

3)  Get rid of the goal.

Orgasms are great, but they aren’t necessary for pleasurable sex.  Remember, when you’re practicing sensual intercourse, the point is to experience pleasure.  If what you’re doing feels good, enjoy it!  Writing off sex as “bad” if you don’t have an orgasm discounts all the other pleasurable sensations felt during sex, both physical and emotional.

4)  Slow down.

Sensual intercourse requires slowing down and really feeling everything going on both internally and externally during sex.  Slow down and focus on the energy building up between you and your partner.  Once you are having intercourse, experiment with slow movements, stillness, and even pausing periodically to avoid defaulting to autopilot movement.  If you do enjoy a faster pace, work up to it.  You’ll be surprised by what you notice along the way.

If you’re struggling to turn up the spark in your sex life, sensual intercourse might be exactly what you need.  Practice enjoying sensual pleasure, even in moments that aren’t directly related to sex.  Soon, you’ll notice the heat turned up during sex in ways you never imagined possible.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.

The Real Reasons You Can’t Trust Your Partner

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Trust is quite arguably one of the most important factors in any relationship.  Trust creates feelings of safety, which makes room for vulnerability and a general sense of being able to relax around the other person.  Trust is the antidote to relational anxiety.

Not only does trust mean believing that your partner is loyal, it also means knowing that they have positive intentions in your relationship and that they’re looking out for your best interest.  Trust exists on a continuum and can change, depending on circumstances and the phase of the relationship.  Like love, it has to be built over time.  But what if this isn’t happening for you?  What if you can’t shake that nagging feeling that something is wrong or that your partner is up to no good?  Well, it could mean a number of things.

1) Your partner is actually not trustworthy

If you’ve caught your partner in multiple lies, or if you’re learning they have a hard time taking responsibility for their actions, your feelings of distrust might be right on point.  You might feel anxious around your partner because you’re never sure if they’re going to say something hurtful or if they’re actually going to keep a promise they’ve already broken several times.  In this case, look at the evidence.  What have your partner’s previous actions taught you about their probable future behavior, and is it worth sticking around to find out?

2) You’re insecurities are louder than your logic

Insecurity can be deceiving.  It can make you believe that even though your partner has called every time they said they would, introduced you to all their friends, and expressed how much they care about you, they still must be leading you on or secretly sleeping with their ex because no way could they ever truly want someone like you.  Beliefs like this are often subtle, and you might not even be aware you have them.  If you’re finding that you need constant validation or that you’re looking up all their exes on Instagram, ask yourself why.  It could be that you’re having a hard time accepting your partner’s feelings for you because you’re really struggling to accept yourself.

3) Your past

So often, we bring old baggage into new relationships, but it’s natural.  We can’t help it.  We are all made up of a collection of past experiences, so if you grew up learning that others can’t be trusted, or if you were hurt in a former relationship, of course you’re going to carry that around with you.  What’s important is that you recognize your sore spots and when they’re hurting.  Being aware of your triggers can help you recognize when old feelings are coming up, versus when something in your relationship is actually wrong.  Therapy can help you identify these situations, respond to them effectively, and even heal lingering wounds.

4) Your friends

There’s an old episode of Sex and the City in which main character Carrie Bradshaw runs into a friend and his date in a Chinese restaurant while she is on her own date.  Carrie’s friend tells her that he brought his date there because he was ashamed to be out with her, and he didn’t think he’d see anybody he knew at that restaurant.  Instantly, Carrie begins to worry that her date took her there for the same reason.  We later find out that this isn’t the case at all.  Carrie’s date took her there because he loved the food.  Be wary anytime a friend, coworker, family member, or that romantic comedy you streamed on Netflix last week tells you that there is something wrong with your relationship.  Sure, take advice, but take it with a grain of salt.  Your relationship is unique, and the only people who really know what’s going on inside of it are you and your partner.

Determining whether or not you can trust another person is difficult and high-stakes territory.  Know yourself.  Know the difference between a gut feeling and a fear or insecurity, and when in doubt, balance out your emotions with a healthy dose of objectivity.  If you’re worried that your relationship is unhealthy or headed that way, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you determine where these feelings are coming from, whether or not to act on them, and how to do it.

Fire Needs Air

By Mary Claire Schibelka

“I went through his phone.”  “I hacked her Facebook.” “Give me your Instagram password so I know I can trust you.”  “Share your location with me.” If you haven’t been on the giving or receiving end of one of these statements, I’m willing to bet that you know or have heard of someone who has.

In the digital age, cheating seems easier than ever.  Twenty years ago, infidelity meant risking being seen in public together or, at the very least, calling the house phone, never knowing who might answer.  Now, we have the ability to silently converse through text messages, dating apps, Instagram DMs, and Snapchats. We no longer share phones and other devices with each other.  Instead, we keep them tucked away in our pockets and often protected by passwords.

For some who fear betrayal, the antidote to their anxiety is total access.  If they can see their partner’s activity, then they can prevent cheating, or at least eliminate the opportunity for it.  This goes hand in hand with the belief that if two people are really in love, they are completely transparent with each other, and doing so increases trust and intimacy.  But what if just the opposite were true?

Esther Perel, famous Belgian psychotherapist and relationship researcher, asserts that in order for desire to endure, partners must maintain a certain degree of independence and privacy.  In fact, the ability for members of a couple to be both autonomous and connected is one of the trademarks of intimacy. Without mystery, novelty, and some elusiveness, the flame of desire can very quickly burn out, thus creating the exact relationship problems we all wish to avoid.

Knowing every detail of your counterpart’s digital activity might not be helpful, anyways.  Typically, when we look for trouble, we are likely to find it, even in things that might not otherwise upset us.  A harmless text message could be misinterpreted by a snooping partner who is hyperaware of any threat to the relationship.  The discovery of a mindlessly “liked” photo might lead to undue suspicions and heartache. While these things are often meaningless, discovering them might feel like a betrayal.

Rather than demanding control and total entry into your partner’s online world, have a discussion and negotiate what is appropriate and what is not.  Is liking pictures posted by the opposite sex okay? A “happy birthday” text to an ex? What about deleting a dating app from your phone but not deleting your account altogether?  The answers to these questions will be different for everyone.

Once boundary lines have been drawn, the next step is to allow room for trust to grow.  Having a hard time trusting your partner? That is a different conversation. Just remember, eliminating privacy is not the answer.  Intimacy and desire need space, or in the words of Esther Perel, “Fire needs air.”

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)