Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”

This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life.  I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.”  This one makes me chuckle.

Why?  Because it simply cannot be true.  Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.  Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later.  What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation.  This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.

Here’s why:

Surviving the Wilderness

From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival.  Picture this.  You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up.  The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much.  One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp.  What would that mean for you?

You guessed it.  You’d probably be done for.

For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive.  Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have.  Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you.  Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.

Survival in the Modern World

What would happen if your boss liked you more?

Right now, you might be imagining a promotion.  An easier time taking vacation days off.  A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.

Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you.  Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).

Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life.  Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t.  Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.

Caring Too Much

Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself.  Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us.  Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.

How to Care Less What Other People Think

Love Yourself:  If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself.  Picture the person you are when no one else is around.  Make a list of all the things you like about that person.  When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.

Check the Facts:  How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure?  We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds.  Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?”  If not, consider other possibilities.  Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.

Consider the Source:  Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy.  Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color!  There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background.  Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases.  Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter?  Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt.  What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.

Stick With the People Who Love You for You:  One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self.  Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others.  Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value.  Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.

Caring what people think is part of being human.  Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important.  Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter?  Important.  A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day?  Useless.  The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells.  In this case particularly, I say wear the white.

Makeup and the Mind

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Womxn and makeup have a complicated relationship.  For some, it is an art.  A luxury that one treats herself to.  Even an indulgence.  For others, a necessary evil.  Something imposed upon them by society.  Some reject it altogether, and others could take it or leave it.  

From all directions, womxn receive messages both urging and forbidding them to buy and wear makeup.  Contradicting demands like, “Try harder,” and “Don’t try too hard” are everywhere- some implicit, some unignorable.  Girls. Girls. Girls. Magazine’s viral video, “Be a Lady They Said”, stars Cynthia Nixon narrating this reality of what it means to be a woman in 2020.

As an individual, I enjoy makeup.  As a professional, I’m curious about it.  More specifically, I’m curious about not only the reasons why one chooses to wear it, but also the implications of their decision.

In a recent quest to learn more about the psychology of makeup, I uncovered some intriguing information.  First, I discovered that the use of makeup dates back to the earliest-known human societies.  Body art, in some form, has culturally been part of almost every civilization on earth.

Makeup has also been linked to desirable mental health outcomes.  In a 2017 Harvard University study, undergraduate women who wore makeup demonstrated higher test scores than those who did not.  Some women who wear makeup while working from home during quarantine report feeling more focused and productive than they do without it.  In Refinery29 article, “The Psychology Of Wearing Makeup When No One Can See You”, Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College, describes makeup application’s ability to help us spend time with ourselves, thus creating feelings of peace and safety.

Somewhere down the rabbit hole, I stumbled upon a 2012 study in which the wearing of a lab coat is associated with higher performance on attention-related tasks.  This is attributed to not only the physical experience of wearing the coat, but also the perceived symbolic meaning of the coat by its wearer.

Like lab coats, makeup must be put on and impacts perceptions of its wearer by others and by wearer.  The experience of applying makeup can be gratifying, promoting self-awareness, routine, and the enjoyment of pleasurable textures, such as soft brushes.  The symbolic elements of makeup include one’s recognition of their own inherent beauty, self-expression, and creativity.

Imagine being prepared for a surgery, and your doctor walks in wearing jeans and a polo shirt.  How would you feel if the doctor was wearing a lab coat?  Now, imagine you’re  the doctor, and you’re wearing either jeans and a polo shirt or a lab coat.  What’s the difference?  What do you feel in your gut, shoulders, and chest as you picture these scenarios?  Would your feelings change if the doctor in the polo shirt had a great bedside manner and knew what he was talking about?  What if your doctor was a womxn and was wearing makeup?  What if she/they wasn’t?

The answers to these questions reveal a lot about your perceptions of outward appearance and what lies beneath it.  Do your perceptions align with your values?  How do they impact your decisions about how you present yourself?

Each person’s answers to these questions is different, which is why everyone in the world presents himself/herself/themselves differently.  Our experiences and our energy levels are only two of the many factors that influence the daily decisions we make about how we go forth into the world.  The decision of whether or not to wear makeup is just another one of those choices.

When we are in tune with our values and deepest desires, we are able to make decisions, no matter how seemingly small, from a place of confidence.  If you’ve experimented with makeup and you’ve found that it invokes a sense of dread, by all means, stay away from it.  You can live a long and happy life without ever using a drop of it.  Many womxn do.

The key is authenticity, even in the face of pressure from all sides.  When someone shows up as themselves, people notice.  Confidence speaks louder than cosmetics.