Happy Couples Edit

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

If you’ve ever been to a therapist and talked through the stress that your partner is putting you through, a common question your therapist might ask you is, “Have you talked to them about it?”  The question is usually followed up by encouragement to “share how you are feeling” with your partner.  This well-meaning piece of counsel, however, can lead you down the wrong path.

In the west we partner with and/or marry because of love, not because of pragmatism.  And in the name of love we expect a certain level of emotional intimacy in our relationships.  There is a common belief that the more we share and open up to our partners, the closer we become.  Brene Brown has called needed attention to the power of vulnerability and how it promotes connection.

However, so many of us don’t have the proper skillset to actually be vulnerable (it’s not something they teach you in elementary school) and so a common trap can be overdoing it.  We vent to our partners, citing all of the ways they have failed us or have not met our expectations.  John Gottman calls it criticism.  Terry Real calls it unbridled self-expression.  

In Real’s book, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work, he gives this humorous example, “Hey let me tell you in exact, lurid detail just how miserable you have made me by your shortcomings.  I need to vent.” as he then describes puking into a bag and handing it to your partner and noting how much better you feel.  Needless to say, nobody likes being puked on.

The interesting note about unedited expression is that it doesn’t actually provide connection in the way that Brown promises because it’s actually not vulnerability.  Brown would agree that it’s not vulnerable to spew all of your feelings about someone.  In fact, unedited expression actually demonstrates a lack of vulnerability - let me get this out of the way by talking at you, not allowing any space for you, and not connecting with how I am actually feeling.  Where is the connection in that?

Believe it or not, you don’t have to say everything that you are feeling about your partner to them, even if your therapist encourages you to share how you’re feeling.  Happy couples edit!

Many of the strategies to help you edit are similar to the strategies that I have been writing about in my recent blog posts about wanting to win arguments and the tendency to control your partner.  The first step is to recognize if you have a tendency to release everything all at once on your partner. If this is you read on.

So what does editing look like?  Take a note from Gottman about the difference between criticism and providing feedback.  Criticism characterizes someone’s faults as general attributes to the person whereas feedback cites specific examples of behavior.  It is the difference between “You’re so lazy, you never help with the housework” versus “Yesterday I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount of housework and I could have used a hand.”

What you need to realize about moments where you don’t edit is that it actually won’t be that effective in getting what you want.  Just because you’ve shared explicitly how disappointed you are about your partner’s behavior, doesn’t actually lead to changes in their behavior.  Instead, be clear with your partner.  Directly ask for what you want and be clear about what you need.  If your partner struggles to provide this for you, help them, because after all, you do love and care for them too!

It is important to find the words to be constructive with how you are feeling.  It’s not enough to identify feelings like disappointment, anger, or frustration, but how might you express them in a way that your partner can actually hear them?  Try to find a time where your partner would be most receptive to hearing you, not just when you need to be heard.  Leave space for your partner to talk about their experience and truly listen to their experience instead of planning your response mid-comment.  Finally, work together to create effective solutions to get needs and wants met in the relationship instead of letting things add up.

Trying to Control Your Partner: a Hindrance, Not a Help

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

What happens in a relationship when you try to bridge the gap between what you want and what you have?  Control issues pop up.   If you’ve ever found yourself saying or thinking things like:

“You should do/think/act like this” 

“I’d be happy if only you’d...”  

“You would be more _______ if you loved me”  

“I need you to be more like so-and-so”  

then chances are you are trying to control your partner.  Trying to control your partner can lead to major issues for a couple.  Let’s explore why some of us attempt to assert our control and why it ultimately is not healthy in your relationship! 

Why do we attempt to control our partners?  We tend to find ourselves partnered with people who display the same traits we attached to growing up.  In other words, we marry/partner with versions of our parents.

In relationships we work out our past with our partners.  Matching with someone who has similar traits as our parents can be seen as an attempt to heal our unfinished business.  In the worst cases, our relationships trigger so much past pain that we can’t recover and the relationship ends.  In the best cases, we work through these triggers and heal from our past through and with our partners.  

“If only he wasn’t so controlling, like my mom” or “I need him to be more connected, unlike my dad” are examples of ways we attempt to control our partners while attempting to heal from our past.    Unconsciously we believe that if our partners would just act the way we want them to act, we would see these issues resolve themselves.

That seems great in theory, but have you ever felt like someone was trying to control you?  How did that go? Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work states, “Here’s the real deal on control: It’s an illusion.  Short of outright collusion or holding a gun to someone’s head, nobody gets anyone to do anything.  Which, unfortunately, doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

Love and connection cannot thrive when control and oppression are present.  Our partners may comply when we attempt to control them, but it comes at a cost.  Often the consequences of controlling our partners look like rebellion, either quietly or quite overtly.  Sometimes you may see your partner become more and more resentful, and they may feel like a martyr in the relationship.  Other times, the thing you want your partner to change may become exaggerated the more that you push.  All of this gets worse when you feel like you need to be right all the time.    

It’s not so much that you can’t ask things of your partner or express your needs in the relationship.  The strategy to get through the control tendency is two-fold.  First, recognize if this is you.  If you are attempting to change your partner in any way, own it.  Be clear to yourself about why you want them to change, not just what you want them to change.  Is it for their own good?  Is it for the good of the relationship?  Or is it particularly sensitive to you because this was a painful part of your past?

When talking to your partner instead of asserting your control, use phrases like “I need...,” “I feel hurt when…,” or “In this moment can you…” These phrases convey more of a specific need you are trying to express rather than a general criticism of something they need to change.  When you find yourself being manipulative (you know who you are and you know when you are doing it), take a break from the conversation.

Secondly, work toward healing these wounds yourself.  If you didn’t feel seen by your mom growing up, work toward feeling healthy, self-compassionate individuality as an adult.  If you were often fearful of your dad, work to recognize the power you hold as the mature adult that you are.  Often therapy, tapping into spirituality, and active reflection can help with this process.  When we work to recover from past wounds, we become a much better partner than when we expect our partners to heal these wounds for us.

You Can Be Right or You Can be in a Relationship

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

Have you had this moment with your partner: Partner A is yelling at Partner B, “We gotta go! We’re gonna be late!”  Partner B is thinking, “It’s a party, it’s called being fashionably late” as Partner B takes time finishing up getting ready.  Partner A is fuming about the lack of urgency Partner B is displaying.  An argument ensues on the way to party.

Whether you are A or B you’re likely getting frustrated that your partner isn’t seeing your point of view.  You may even feel hurt that they aren’t hearing you.  So, you argue your point harder and with more conviction.  Maybe you say it louder or you may present it with different language.  You believe that if they can understand that you’re right, this will lead to a possible solution.  

And here’s the thing: you actually could be right and 100 people could agree with you.  BUT whether your partner eventually caves or you keep arguing for days on end, the result is the same: needing to be right is a losing strategy.

More often than not, you needing to be right will lead to two possible outcomes.  The first is that every disagreement turns into World War III with no end in sight.  This outcome is likely if you have a partner who also feels the need to be right.  The second possible outcome is that your partner may eventually back down, but at a cost.  They may become secretly resentful, they may withdraw from connection and intimacy, or they could even work toward retribution in some way.  

When it comes to relationships, needing to be right can be very detrimental.  When you find yourself wanting to win an argument ask yourself: at what cost am I willing to win this?  Most people, once their emotions calm down a bit, acknowledge that jeopardizing their love and connection to win a fight is not worth it.  In the moment when emotions are high, it can be difficult to remember that.   

Terry Real, author of The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work often says “who’s right, who's wrong....who cares?”  The most effective way to move forward in a relationship is to work together even while holding different points of view.  Blame is often easier, however looking at the root causes of disagreements and working to find a solution produces a happier relationship.

So how do you stop the urge to argue until you win?  The first is to recognize if you actually do this.  Awareness is the first step to changing any pattern.  Become aware of your thoughts, body sensations, and actions that happen when you feel the need to be right.

Once you’ve determined if this is you, when you’re in a calm state consider the consequences of this pattern.  What has it cost you?  It’s helpful to make a list or journal about it.  It’s important to get leverage on any pattern you want to change.  Talk to your partner about it to increase your accountability.  Let them know this is something you are going to work on and how they may support you.

In the moment when your emotions are running high try to harness your breath.  Controlling your breath helps regulate your body so you don’t go straight to Fight Mode (of the fight/flight/freeze modes).  Take a break to calm down.  Once you’re calmer, try talking about how you’re feeling in that particular instance versus why the person is wrong and you are right.  Make it a point to be solution-oriented.  If you think it’s best to be fashionably late and your partner thinks it’s best to be on time, how do you move forward?  Ultimately, the goal is to discontinue the game of tug-of-war, drop the rope, and walk away holding your partner’s hand.