Values-Guided Action (Even When It’s Hard)

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

How many times in the past month have you chosen to do something even if it meant putting up with uncomfortable feelings?  Maybe you woke up at the sound of your morning alarm although staying in bed for another hour would have been much preferred.  Maybe you worried about looking silly while wearing a mask to the grocery store during the COVID-19 crisis, but you wore one anyways.  Or perhaps you chose to forgo watching your favorite Netflix show in order to write a paper or study for an upcoming exam.

We do difficult things all the time, but why?  I have a feeling you might be thinking, “Because I have to,” but is that really true?  Do you have to go to work?  Did you have to wear a mask to the store?  Did you have to study for that test?  The truth is, there isn’t much of anything that we actually have to do.  In fact, it might have been much easier to skip the studying and opt to fail the exam.

This brings us back to the question:  Why do we choose to do things, even if doing them means experiencing uncomfortable, or even downright painful, emotions?  There are typically two reasons- either to achieve a goal or to live in accordance with our values.

Let’s go back to the studying example.  If you’ve ever chosen to sacrifice a night of fun for a night of studying, it’s likely you had a goal of getting a good grade in the course.  Maybe this fit into a larger goal of earning a degree or getting a certain job.  In the case of the mask example, someone who fears looking dorky but wears a mask in public anyways probably does so because he or she values the health and safety of other people.  Can you think of any other times you willingly endured discomfort in order to accomplish a goal or adhere to your values?

Now, think of a time when you didn’t.  Some examples might include skipping a social gathering because you were worried about not knowing many people there or dropping out of a course because the syllabus made it seem too hard.  What kind of thoughts were you having at the time?  What emotions were you experiencing?

Russ Harris, the author of The Happiness Trap, a popular self-help book about living a meaningful life in the presence of difficult emotions, admits that even he struggled with motivation for writing because of his own uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.  Now a bestselling author, he offers readers the following tips:

1. Identify your goal.  What is it that you want to accomplish?  When and where will you accomplish it?  Be specific!
   

2. Identify related values.  Nobody knows the future.  We cannot guarantee ourselves that we will accomplish all our goals.  If we act in accordance with our values, however, the journey towards a goal is meaningful whether we achieve the goal or not.  For example, if you, like Stephen Hayes, have a goal of publishing a book, you might value learning, hard work, and creativity.  By writing the book, you are absolutely learning new information, working hard, and exercising your creativity.  Even if the book never hits the shelves, the time you spent writing it was still meaningful.
   

3. Identify thoughts and feelings that will likely come up.  If you’re learning to fly a plane, you might feel scared.  You might have thoughts like, “I can’t do this”.  By anticipating these experiences, you can prepare yourself for them instead of letting them take you by surprise.
   

4. Remember that thoughts and feelings can’t hurt you.  Are they unpleasant?  Yes.  But at the end of the day, thoughts are nothing more than words or pictures playing in your mind, and emotions are nothing more than sensations in your body.  Instead of fighting them, let them be, and remind yourself that they are temporary.
   

5. Choose to act anyways.  Once you know that thoughts and feelings are not a threat, you can choose to act in spite of them, not according to them.  Break your desired action down into manageable steps (eg. First I will gather my textbooks, then I will study for 30 minutes, then I will take a break and have a snack, etc.), and focus on completing them one at a time.

Following these steps can seem daunting at first, but with practice, acting according to your values and goals becomes easier and easier.  Keep a written list of all the times you do take valued action regardless of uncomfortable feelings.  You’ll be surprised to see how much you’re already doing this and how capable you are of doing it more in the future.

Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.