Making Dating Apps Work For You

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Dating during COVID seems impossible.  Last summer, eyes were made across dance floors all over Chicago every Friday night.  Now, dance floors are empty, and getting out of your pre-reserved seat to mingle is highly frowned upon, if not forbidden.  Bumping into a good-looking stranger, formerly considered good luck, is now a reason to wash your hands.

Thankfully, we have the internet, and dating is not completely off the table.  When the city closed, dating apps became the new Downtown.  Online dating was deemed the most popular way for couples to meet in 2019.  This year, it’s even hotter.

Dating apps have been the subject of controversial press.  Some users report struggling to find long-term connections on dating apps, while other studies show that online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages.  This research makes sense, given that online dating requires very little information up front.  Like a gamble, it could go either way.

Consider dating apps the post-90’s version of a blind date.  You go in knowing very little about the other person, and your one mission is to decide if you ever want to see him or her again.  When done wrong, the whole thing can seem exhausting and like a waste of time.  When done right, dating apps can work to save you both time and energy.

Choose the Right App

If you want love, you have to look in the right places.  A search for the word “dating” in the iOS App Store reveals apps intended for relationships, hookups, sugar baby arrangements, and even affairs.  Apps also exist for those looking to date based on characteristics such as age, religion, ethnicity, career, sexual preference, music taste, astrological sign, and kink.  Do your research and read reviews before making a choice.

Take Advantage of Settings

Most of the popular apps, such as Tinder and Hinge, allow users to customize their potential matches.  Want someone who goes to church?  Done.  You can also choose your desired age, height range, level of education, and more.  Set preferences that align with your values to increase your chances of meeting someone in alignment.

Attract What You Want

If you are passionate about something, talk about it.  Post pictures that represent who you really are.  People with similar interests will notice.

Pickings can feel slim in a bar and online.  All forms of dating require persistence, self-awareness, and taste.  If you’re taking advantage of dating apps this summer, do so with safety and good judgment.  Stay committed.  A good one might be right at the tips of your freshly sanitized fingers.

Why Crushing is the Best

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.” 

J. M. Barrie

Imagine that feeling you get when you first start to like someone.  Few things in life compare to the fresh feeling of butterflies in your stomach when you start to realize that somebody new, or maybe someone who’s been hiding in plain sight all along, could be somebody for you.  Excitement, nerves, and novelty make an irresistible cocktail.

When you’re crushing, the perfect partner seems right at the tips of your fingers.  Whoever you’ve fallen for seems flawless, and not only because they’re attractive.  It’s also because you know just enough about them to like them and not enough to see the little things that would eventually drive you crazy.

You imagine your future relationship, and it looks ideal.  Surely, you’d sing in the car together.  They don’t seem like the type to cheat.  And you, of course, would be so happy that you’d never do anything wrong.

The possibilities are endless!  Imagine the places you could go together.  The movies you could snuggle up and watch.  The fear of an end is nowhere in sight because the story hasn’t even started yet.  It’s just delicious fantasy.

Crushing is valuable.  While it’s unlikely that all your hopes and dreams will suddenly come to life in one person, the experience of idealizing can tell a lot about what you value in a relationship.  Why this person?  What is going to be different about this relationship?  What are you attracted to?  What are you hoping for?  These questions help set your relationships up for success, whether with your current crush or with somebody else.

This leads to the next question.  What if they don’t like you?  Rejection can be an intensely and deeply painful emotion.  How do you handle that?  What’s it like?  What skills can you develop to cope with it and continue enjoying dating with an open mind?

These are questions you can’t answer without experiencing them.  After you live out rejection and learn from it, you can date smarter.  That’s what makes crushing so great.  Best case scenario, you fall in mutual, healthy love.  Worst case scenario, you get the opportunity to get to know yourself better and come out more resilient.

Crushing is unpredictable.  There’s no telling how it will really turn out.  Use the thrill of curiosity as your inspiration and your values as your guide.  You might naturally want to get to know your crush more, but often, we have to remind ourselves to pay attention to our own inner experiences.  Stay curious about both.  When it comes to making decisions, like whether or not to date or even tell your crush how you feel, check in with your values.  What would you do if you were your best self?

Having a crush is more than just a superficial attraction to another person.  Crushes teach us a lot about our deepest desires for relationships and romantic partners.  Through these things, we learn about ourselves, our weaknesses, and what we bring to the table.  Crushes, even if never mutually shared, can be transformational.  And if we’re being honest, we love them- not just because they enrich us, but because they just feel so good.

An Extrovert’s Guide to Summer 2020

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

I think it’s safe to say that six months ago, nobody anticipated Summer 2020 to look quite like this.  While Chicago is beginning to return to normal (whatever that means anymore), things are still very different.  Beaches are closed, concerts and festivals are cancelled, and bars, restaurants, and nightclubs are operating on a seriously limited basis.

Extroverts around the city already had to endure three solid months of strict quarantining.  In March, when nonessential businesses were ordered to close, many did not expect social distancing orders to carry into the summer months.  Now that it’s almost July, the hope for a typical summer is dwindling, but don’t give up yet, extroverts!  All hope is not lost.  In fact, by taking advantage of the opportunity to try new things that used to come second to bar and restaurant-hopping, this might just turn out to be your best summer yet.

Maintain Your Social Circle

One of the most well-known qualities of extroverts is that they thrive in large social groups.  While group gatherings are not currently recommended, there are ways to get together with friends while maintaining a safe social distance.  Socially-distanced picnics are a great idea!  Each person can bring their own blanket and food allowing you to stay 6-feet apart while chatting.  If you’re still not comfortable going out unless absolutely necessary, check out the Houseparty app, where you and multiple friends can video chat while playing built-in games.  Pro tip: video chat on your porch, balcony, or fire escape so you can soak up the summer air while socializing from home.

Find New Sources of Pizzazz

Extroverts can often be described as risk-takers or adrenaline-seekers.  They look for the spice in life and enjoy excitement.  This summer, seek out new ways to feel stimulated, such as walking around foreign parts of the city or venturing out to a state park.  Take up adventurous hobbies like rock climbing, water skiing, or distance running.  Get creative and think about what makes you feel alive.  Then, pursue those things to keep your energy level up while certain aspects of the city still feel shut down.

Meet New People

This one might seem hard to do with social distancing guidelines in place, but with the internet, meeting new people can be easy!  Many social groups and clubs have continued to meet throughout the duration of COVID-19.  Ask yourself what kinds of people you would like to add to your social network.  What common interests would you like to share?  Check out Facebook and Meetup to find virtual get togethers and free your inner social butterfly.

The coronavirus crisis has likely put a damper on some of your summer plans, especially if you’re an extrovert.  Many of your favorite warm weather activities may no longer be in the cards.  I challenge you, though, to look beyond the things you are used to doing, examine your inner strengths and desires, and find new ways to capitalize on them.  Who knows, you might discover a new hobby, favorite place, or even a talent you never knew you had.