You Can Have It All: Expert Secrets to Balancing Love and Your Career

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams.  If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

Lady Gaga

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“I can live without money, but I can’t live without love.”

Judy Garland

If you are a career-driven person, you might be wondering if it’s possible to be successful at work while dating or maintaining a romantic relationship.  Society constantly sends messages that make it seem like you have to choose one or the other.  You can work, or you can be a mom.  You can be a devoted husband, or you can travel for business.  Our brains like this kind of “either-or” thinking because it makes information easy to categorize.  However, in a world full of shades of grey, dichotomies like these are rarely ever true.  You can, in all actuality, have both.

Devoting energy to a satisfying love life and a thriving career takes work.  When you aren’t taking intentional, proactive steps to maintain balance, one of the two can easily fall to the wayside.  To find and hold onto love without having to sacrifice your career, follow these four crucial steps.

Clarify Your Goals

Before making any decisions, it’s important to clarify what you really want.  Zeroing in on your goals will help you prioritize your time in a way that’s most likely to lead to fulfillment both relationally and career-wise.  If you have a goal to be in a serious relationship by 30, and at the age of 28 you’re working 80-hour weeks with no time to date, you might need to make some changes, such as hiring an assistant, delegating tasks, or making a lateral move to a company that prioritizes its employees’ work-life balance.  Knowing specifically what you want empowers you to think creatively about how you can remove roadblocks along the way.

Communicate Expectations

One major reason couples experience dissatisfaction in relationships is because they do not effectively communicate their expectations.  If you’re someone who likes to prioritize your career during the week and socialize only on the weekends, a person who wants to spend 3 full days per week together is probably not the right match for you, and you’re both better off knowing that right from the start.  The good news- there is likely someone out there who has preferences similar to yours.  When you communicate your expectations, you increase your chances of finding a person who meets them.

Set Boundaries

When you’re really passionate about something, like work or the person you’re dating, it’s easy to push the limits on how much time you’re willing to dedicate to it.  If you have the urge to spend extra time working or with your partner, that’s great!  It only becomes a problem if the time you’re spending on one area of your life compromises your goals in another.  Decide how much of your time you want to spend on work and how much you want to save for your romantic life.  Then, stick to your decision, knowing that doing so will help you achieve a fulfilling and balanced lifestyle.

Be Present

Whether you’re spending time with your significant other or at the office, eliminate as many distractions as possible.  Keep your phone out of sight on dates to prevent anxiety over work calls or emails.  When you’re working, turn off notifications for your social media accounts.  Staying present will help you be more productive at work or connected during a date.  Also, when you’re engaged in the present moment, you’re more likely to enjoy whatever it is you’re doing.

Contrary to popular belief, it is very possible to have a satisfying love life along with a successful career.  While this might not happen totally naturally, you can actively take steps to promote happiness with both aspects of your life.  Next time you find yourself thinking that you have to give up one passion in order to live out another, think again.  The question isn’t “Can I do this?”  The question is “How?”

Too Much of a Good Dream

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Everybody has their vice.  For some, it’s plush covers and fluffy pillows.  Sleep, one of mental health’s most important ingredients, can be overdone like anything else.

Forbes revealed that Millennials sleep an average of 25 minutes longer per night than the average American.  Enough sleep (about 7 to 9 hours per night) can result in greater productivity, health benefits, and better cognitive performance.  Too much sleep can lead to serious risks.

According to the American Heart Association, women who spent two or more hours catching up on sleep, or “binge sleeping” during the weekend were likely to have poorer cardiovascular health than those who did not.  Instead, the Association advises keeping a regular schedule.  Go to sleep and wake up at the same times each day, and try not to change your sleeping habits too drastically on the weekends.

Positive mental health outcomes are also highly connected to sleep.  Oversleeping is both a symptom and a cause of anxiety and depression.  Too much sleeping results in lower productivity, causing anxiety that leads to lesser quality of sleep, so the cycle goes on.

Much like physicians, mental health experts typically recommend maintaining a sleep schedule.  When you form a routine, you tell your body what to expect everyday.  Waking up at 7am no longer feels excruciating, it feels normal.  Grogginess decreases, focus deepens, and not only quantity, but also quality of work improves.

If you’ve ever hit the snooze button one or six too many times in the morning, you know the impact it can have on your day.  Suddenly, everything feels rushed.  The day turns into a game of catch-up.  You go to sleep feeling exhausted and, on the really bad days, unaccomplished.

Sleep feels incredible, but one has to ask, is it worth it?  This is not a straightforward answer.  If you’re wondering if you oversleep or undersleep with intermittent binges to pay back your “sleep debt”, ask yourself these questions:

• What is your sleep schedule doing for you?

• What is it costing you?

• Which is most important to you?

If your bedtime is more like a guideline, you might really enjoy an extra hour awake at night and a few hits of the snooze button in the morning.  Maybe the cost is relatively low!  However, if you find you’re consistently running late, underperforming at work, or feeling rushed, oversleeping might be part of the problem.

Here’s how values play into this:  Spending an extra hour with a friend at night might be worth a groggy morning.  One more episode of a show you’ve seen ten times might not be worth missing a deadline.  Determining the cost of something requires understanding your values and priorities.

Waking up at a consistent time every morning relies on going to sleep at the same time every night.  To align your sleep schedule, first choose a bedtime that will typically allow you between 7 and 9 hours of sleep per night.  Then, choose a wakeup time that makes the most sense for you within that 7 to 9 hour range.  

Next, plan necessary activities throughout your week, followed by optional ones.  Leave room for spontaneity and flexibility.  Rigidity is a quick killer of routines.  Give yourself permission to make cancellations when necessary for mental health reasons, sleep included.

Allow your body about three weeks to adjust, and then observe the outcomes.  A regular sleep schedule just might be your key to the next level.

Sometimes, You Just Gotta Jump

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Have you ever had one of those nightmares where you’re expected to perform a task at work you have no idea how to do?  If so, you’re familiar with the panic and humiliation that comes from being completely unprepared.  Maybe this has even happened to you in real life!  Nobody wants to go into something important without preparing first.  Whether it’s school, a new job, or a race, adequate planning and training can help you feel more confident and perform better.

Now, ask yourself this:  Have I ever prepared for something so much that I missed out on time or opportunities to start or complete the task itself?  This a problem that while just as common, is far less mentioned.

In American society, education is valued.  Chicago alone is home to over 35 colleges and universities.  Search the internet for any particular topic, and you are likely to find millions of results worth of information.  In modern society, opportunities to learn, whether formally or informally, are endless.

Education is great, and I would strongly advise anyone who is thinking of beginning a new career path, starting a business, or even adopting a puppy to do their research first.  However, over-preparing becomes a problem when it becomes perfectionistic, its costs outweighing the benefits of imperfect action.

Young adults might struggle with over-preparing while researching college majors or beginning new jobs.  The temptation to rest in the comfort of planning while avoiding taking action can present itself later in life too, such as before moving to a new place or taking a new step in your career.

No amount of reading can teach you what you learn from actually experiencing a new situation head-on.  Researching different career paths is important, but real learning happens in the field where you can develop skills, build your resume, and network.  Reading a book about skydiving can teach you about the experience, you’ll never fully understand what it’s like until you do it yourself.  At some point, you have to jump.

Failure is viewed as a negative thing, which is surprising.  Failure plays a necessary role in the learning process.  Learn the stories of the people you look up to the most.  You will find that somewhere in their journey, they experienced failure.  Failure makes a great teacher.  It gives us the opportunity to learn things we otherwise wouldn’t have had the chance to learn- things that pay off.  So why avoid it?

Give yourself permission to do difficult things, even if you don’t feel 100% ready.  Know that you probably never will feel 100% ready but that you’ll learn everything you need along the way.  Start going to classes anyways.  Learn about what you like and don’t like.  Start a YouTube channel with your iPhone camera.  You can buy a new one later.  Stop waiting for everything to be perfect.  It never will be.  Instead, just start.  Take a leap of faith.  Trust the knowledge you have to be your parachute, and jump.

In Defense of Caffeine

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Drip, cortado, pour-over, Sumatra, fair-trade, draft nitro cold brew- twenty years ago, these terms might have easily been confused with those of a foreign language, but for Millennial coffee drinkers, such are part of standard vernacular.  Millennials drink about 44% of coffee in the United States, and with smartphones delivering neverending emails, an obsession with productivity, and lucrative side hustles, it’s no wonder they need the extra boost.  

Also intrigued by essential oils, alkaline water, and yoga, Millennials appear to be pursuing wellness with more fervor than past generations.  For many, caffeine intake is a concern due to its often debated impacts on physical and mental health.

No doubt, caffeine can have its consequences.  When overused, it can cause symptoms like insomnia and anxiety.  Caffeine can also have addictive properties similar to those of less socially-accepted drugs.  Heavy coffee drinkers can experience withdrawal symptoms such as headaches, depression, strong cravings, and irritability after skipping only one morning of java.  Caffeine also has a tolerance-building effect, much like alcohol, which requires users to consume more in order to feel its desired effects.

The unpleasant side-effects of too much caffeine can seem scary, causing some to avoid it altogether.  According to a report by the American Psychological Association, however, when used in moderation, caffeine actually may contribute to desirable mental health outcomes.

One study cited in the report found after following over 50,000 nurses for almost 25 years that those who drank at least four cups of coffee per day were 20 percent less likely to experience depression than those who drank little to no coffee.  Similarly, a study of 43,000 men determined that drinking 2 to 3 cups of joe per day is correlated with a 50 percent reduced risk of suicide.  Caffeine is also associated with cognitive benefits such as alertness, increased memory ability, and quicker reaction times.

A 2017 Harvard Medical School report cited studies declaring that 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day can reduce the risk of physical health conditions including type 2 diabetes, cardiovascular disease, Parkinson’s disease, cirrhosis, and gout.  While dated research indicated that coffee might cause certain types of cancer, these claims have since been refuted, causing the World Health Organization to remove coffee from its list of potentially carcinogenic foods in 2016.  In fact, newer research suggests that coffee might actually reduce the risk of certain types of cancer and increase one’s lifespan by up to 15%.

This is great news to those who enjoy a hit- or four- of daily caffeine, but is it reason enough to give into every craving?  According to the Food and Drug Administration, a daily consumption of 400 milligrams of caffeine or less is considered safe.  This equates to about 3 or 4 cups of home-brewed coffee or one venti Starbucks brewed coffee.  Any more, and you’re at risk of experiencing side effects and even entering the “Caffeine Use Disorder” zone, made note of in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5) and trademarked by unsuccessful efforts to reduce consumption, use despite harm, and withdrawal.

While moderate caffeine consumption has been deemed permissible and even beneficial, those who don’t currently partake need not begin.  Caffeine is not a requirement for an alert and healthy life.  A regular sleep schedule, hydration, and consistent intake of nutrients through food are sufficient to achieve the same results as those of a caramel macchiato.

Current coffee connoisseurs, rest assured that you can continue to imbibe without guilt.  Use good judgment by noticing how your body reacts to each serving of caffeine, and pour out the pot when you think you’ve hit your limit.  Practice moderation, drink mindfully, and as always, enjoy life’s simple pleasures, lattes included.

Find your work flow

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Love what you’ll do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.  That’s the common phrase.  Love when you do it, and you might never have to work another night in your life either.  Somewhere along the line, humans decided that the most efficient workday exists between 9 AM and 5 PM.  Oh, the good ole’ 9 to 5.  Covet or hate it, this routine style of working has truly made a name for itself.

It makes sense.  With the sun and fire as their only light sources, workers throughout history earned by day and played by night.  Evening was a time for recreation, restoration, and connection.

But in today’s modern world, technology allows work to creep into all hours of the day and night, easily distracting from personal activities.  Especially in the midst of COVID-19 and the resulting boom in working from home, the lines between the workday and the weekend can easily grow blurry.  While the hustle may feel exhilarating and even enjoyable for some, others find themselves exhausted by the end of the week.

Tom Hodgkinson is the author of bestselling books How to Be Idle and The Freedom Manifesto.  His remedy for burnout is quite the opposite of what you might think.  Founder of the magazine and curriculum, The Idler, Hodgkinson believes that regularly stepping away from work, or idling, is the key to not only happiness but also professional achievement.

In a May 2020 episode of The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Yale professor and happiness researcher Dr. Laurie Santos, Hodgkins lists several examples of idle activities including taking walks with friends, napping, hour-long lunch breaks, and traveling- all with no work allowed.

Hodgkins explains that when we allow ourselves uninterrupted down time, our work performance and personal satisfaction bloom.  We create room for creativity, rest, and enjoyment.  At the same time, we replenish our energy and return to work with more drive.

Idling can be done at any time.  Nine to five workers might idle mostly at night, while remote workers can idle with more flexibility.  The goal is to relish the idle moments.  Regardless of when you work, your level of fulfillment impacts the way you show up, and this makes a difference.

In her Boston Globe Article, “Millennials aren’t lazy, they’re workaholics,” writer Katie Johnston points out anxiety’s correlation with lower career satisfaction, lower productivity, and fewer monetary bonuses.  Anxiety often interferes with motivation and the ability to focus, thus drastically reducing work performance.  It can also impede social behaviors necessary for good workplace relationship.

Unlike Hodgkins, you might not see napping from 2 to 4 PM as feasible or even ideal.  The 9 to 5 is just as enjoyable to some as its more unstructured alternatives are to others.  If you find yourself, though, stuck in the grind, fear not.

Constantly, new remote and time-flexible job positions are created.  Because of modern technology, teachers can virtually instruct classes in different timezones.  Business owners can work behind the scenes at all hours.  First responders and service industry professionals who prefer working at night can clock in after resting during the earlier hours of the day.

What is your ideal work style?  This is a question infrequently asked at high schools and universities.  We are so often expected to talk about what we like to do, but not how we like to do it.  Without this knowledge, we can accidentally wind up in careers that suffocate our passion instead of fanning it.  Once you notice the natural ebbs and flows of your energy throughout the day, you can begin to develop a career consistent with your preferred work schedule.  

Hodgkinson’s journey is a reminder that gaining the flexibility you desire in your career might take time.  He admits to having worked several jobs before finding his balance of work and idleness.  If you’re working in what I call a “stepping stone job”- one that feels particularly unstimulating and unsustainable- ask yourself these three questions:  What skills do I want to continue developing in the next phase of my career?  How do I want my next work environment to differ from this one?  How can I use my strengths in new ways?

Finding your work flow can feel challenging.  Start small by rethinking how you spend your little sprinkles of time throughout the day.  Consider stretching, walking, cooking, or calling a friend whenever possible.  Replace mindless activities with more pleasurable ones when necessary.  And if it works for you, embrace the two-hour nap.