Make Your Apartment Sexier

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

Take a moment to close your eyes and imagine yourself having the best sex of your life.  

Now pause, and notice one thing in particular about your fantasy- the setting.  Where are you?

Chances are, you’re not picturing having sex in a messy room with laundry all over the floor or on top of dirty sheets.  Right?  Didn’t think so.

Contrary to what movies, pornography, and even medical professionals have led us to believe, the desire for sex rarely appears out of nowhere.  Instead, desire is more like a car.  Anything that turns you on acts as an accelerator, while things that turn you off act like a brake.  Too much pressure on the brake, and your car isn’t going anywhere.  More pressure on the accelerator, and your engine purrs like a kitten.

These two forces are at play all the time.  Factors that apply pressure to your accelerator may include a good-looking partner, love scenes in movies, romantic music, a bonus at work, good weather, and putting on an outfit that makes you feel sexy.  Things like stress, physical illness, lack of privacy, low confidence, and, you guessed it, an unappealing environment are often the equivalent of a foot on the brake.

Keeping your living space sex-ready is important, especially if you are struggling with a low or reduced sex drive and you find that certain aspects of your space hit the brake.  Whether you realize it or not, messiness and clutter affect your mental state and set the tone for the kind of mood you’ll be in at home.  Maintaining order in smaller spaces, like apartments, can feel difficult due to lack of room for storage and less square footage that can be used to space things out.  Still, there are several simple steps you can take to reduce the stress of a messy environment (brake) and enhance the space you do have (accelerator).

Wash Your Sheets

Most people are not turned on by the feeling of last night’s pizza crumbs sticking to their legs.  Fresh sheets, on the other hand, are a delight to the senses.  Take your time in the laundry detergent aisle and choose the scent most likely to put you in the mood.  Then, wash your sheets once per week.  That crisp, clean feeling against your skin might make you think about what else could feel good in bed.  Also, do yourself a favor and stick to eating pizza at the table. =)

Clear off Surfaces

What do bills, used paper towels, and crumbs have in common?  They all remind you of work that needs to be done.  Plus, they’re visually unappealing.  Clear off surfaces periodically throughout the day.  Put bills in a designated place, throw garbage away right after use, and wipe countertops with a wet cloth after each meal.  The pristine look of a bare surface will shock you.  Plus, no mess on the counter means it’s fair game for play.  Wink.

Do the Dishes

Dishes in the sink create the same effect as clutter on your surfaces.  The sight alone is stressful and could hit the brake.  You’ve heard this a thousand times, but you need to hear it again.  Do your dishes as you go.  The more that pile up, the easier it is to procrastinate washing them, and the more work it is when you finally get to it.  Just do them.

Set the Mood with Lighting

There’s nothing wrong with having sex with the lights off or all the way on, but there’s just something about soft, almost-dark lighting.  If you’re lucky enough to have dimmer switches, play around with them and find the level that feels most sensual to you.  If you don’t, use candles or a salt lamp to create the same warm glow.

Decorate

Think about a few key things before purchasing new home decor items.  Do you have room for it, or will it cause your place to feel cramped?  How do you feel when you look at it?  What kind of vibe will it bring to your space?  You don’t need to spend a lot of money to decorate.  Minimalism is trendy, and it also reduces stress.  Less stress, more sex.  Choose your decor wisely.

Making your apartment sexier doesn’t require hiring a professional cleaning crew or getting down on your hands and knees and cleaning the baseboards.  Basic cleaning can be done little by little, and a good spruce up can feel fun and creative.  Once you start viewing your living space with self-awareness, noticing what turns you on and what dulls your sexual energy, you can begin making small adjustments that help your place feel better for both you and your partner.

Let’s Talk About Sex: tips for talking to your partner about your sex life

By Erinn Williams, LCPC

When clients come to me to discuss low sex drive and desire, there are always a couple items we check in on as we explore the problem.  One of those things is to what extent they enjoy the sex they are having with their partner.  This covers all sorts of ground: are they feeling pleasure during sex, are they feeling connected during sex, does their partner attend to their needs, are they attracted to their partner, are they doing the things they like to do while having sex?

The logic behind this question is clear: why would one want to have more sex if the sex they are having isn’t that satisfying?

Of course a lot of people are having the sex that they like and feels good to them.  However,  others may feel that sex is mediocre, “fine”, less than satisfying, or feels like a chore.  The latter group leads me to ask about whether or not they have had a recent conversation about their sex life with their partner.  The resounding answer is no.

And this makes sense.  Talking to your partner about sex can be difficult for several reasons.  If sex was not discussed in the home growing up, it makes sense that you might have difficulty talking to your partner about it.  If sex has ever been seen as shameful or taboo, then of course you wouldn’t want that to be casual dinner conversation.  And what I think is the biggest barrier: sex is often seen as something we all should know how to do without ever talking about it.  This is reinforced by media, pornography, and social norms.  

So, if you’re finding it difficult to talk to your partner about sex, know that you’re not the only one!  However, avoiding the topic will only hurt the relationship rather than help.  Even if you feel scared or awkward, it is often worthwhile.  Here are some tips on how to approach the topic.

Carve Out Some Time

Like with all important conversations, timing is key.  It is usually not ideal to talk about your sex life right before or after being intimate with each other.  This is usually too vulnerable of a time to have an honest conversation.  Instead, pick a time where you two are both calm and in a good mood.  Stick to sex as the main topic instead of lumping it into part of a relationship check-up conversation.

Review What Turns You Both On

People change over time, so it’s realistic to expect that what was once a turn on for you and for your partner may have changed over the years.  It’s also possible that you or your partner have discovered a completely new part of sex.  Talk through what gets you interested in sex, citing things that include you partner and things do not.  For instance, after Fifty Shades of Grey was published and popularized, many women felt more comfortable talking about how erotic fiction was effective at triggering desire and arousal.  

Questions to ask are: when do you feel most drawn to me/when do I feel most drawn to you?  What are some things that trigger the urge to be intimate?

What is Going Well and Areas for Improvement

Reinforce the parts of your sex life that you enjoy.  Congratulate each other for a job well done.  It’s okay to be playful, even if it’s a serious conversation.  Questions to ask are: What do you want to continue doing in our sex life?  What do you like most that we already do?  

When discussing areas for improvement, focus less on the mechanics of sex and more on the barriers that get in the way of enjoying sex.  If you’re struggling to be in the moment, discuss ways to minimize distractions.  If you’re feeling self-conscious at any point in bed, see if you two can problem solve how to reduce that.  If initiating sex feels routine and takes away from the enjoyment, put your heads together to explore different ways to initiate.  Basically, remember that this is a partnered activity and therefore you can work together to come up with the solutions. Questions to ask are: What gets in the way of fully enjoying sex?  What could we do to make our sex better?

Use a Sex Positive Approach When Talking About the Mechanics

If you’re finding that the actual mechanics are not going well - there’s not enough/too much foreplay, you’d like more/less variety, you wish sex was more/less frequent, etc - it’s time to be honest about this.  I often encourage my clients to fill out a Sexual Interest Inventory to help facilitate this conversation.  

Ultimately, if there is a discrepancy in what you two want or don’t want, avoid convincing your partner that your needs are more important.  Instead, attempt to be solution-focused so both of you get your needs/wants met.  This may lead you to seek out sex therapy to help solve this problem if you can’t solve it between the two of you.  Questions to ask are: When we are being sexual, what could make the experience more pleasurable? Is there anything you would like more/less of?     

Sexual desire is not the most straightforward issue, so having these types of conversations often can be beneficial.  Desire and eroticism deals both with the drive toward pleasure and is intertwined with the messiness of humans.  It’s not always clean and simple.  Ultimately, be patient with yourself as a couple and as an individual.

Finding Space While You Shelter in Place

By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC

While it’s obvious that quarantine has been an isolating experience, those who live with others, whether in a friendship, romantic, or familial capacity, might be struggling with exactly the opposite- not enough alone time.  Under normal circumstances, most of us have some degree of time to ourselves, whether during our commutes, in the office cubicle, or even during shopping trips. Now, however, these opportunities have been severely limited, if not completely erased.

At the beginning of quarantine, it might have been easy to think about the benefits of spending more time with the people we love.  Many joked about the possibility of a baby boom following all the sex couples would be having while at home. Others tried to stay positive by looking forward to more time spent with roommates, kids, or live-in family members.

We Chicagoans are about a month into mandated social distancing, and there is no denying that while more time together might be great, it can also be incredibly difficult.  If you’re feeling like the honeymoon stage of quarantine is over, and you’re beginning to feel more irritable, less passionate, and just plain sick and tired of the ones you once looked forward to hunkering down with, fear not.  This doesn’t mean you’re mean, ungrateful, or that your relationship is broken. It means you’re human.

All humans are social creatures.  We have a biological need for connection to others.  We also have the need for differentiation, or the ability to have our own hobbies, interests, goals, and space.  When the balance of togetherness and autonomy is thrown off, we can experience the intense desire for whichever one is lacking.  For instance, after spending an extended amount of time with a romantic partner, you might begin to crave time alone and notice growing frustration with things about him or her that never used to bother you before.

Instead of chastising yourself for feeling this way, take these emotions as your body’s way of telling you what it needs.  It might be time to set boundaries and intentionally structure your days at home. Consider setting aside a few hours each day away from the people you live with.  This could look like working in separate rooms or sending the kids to play in the backyard. Remember feelings of closeness, whether familial love or romantic lust, grow when we allow ourselves room to miss each other a bit.

Spending intentional time together can also be beneficial.  Planning dinners as a family or popcorn and movie nights allows members of the household to appreciate time spent together while knowing they can go their separate ways before and afterwards.

It is crucial to remember that everybody is different.  What one person considers too much time with a loved one might not feel like enough to the other.  Using healthy discussion skills, such as refraining from raising your voice, owning your feelings instead of blaming them on somebody else, and clearly stating your wants and needs can help you decide on an appropriate amount of time to spend together and apart.  

Lastly, practice empathy by remembering that everybody is struggling differently during this time.  Communicate daily about your own feelings and experiences, and be willing to actively listen to those of the people you live with.  Take your quarantine buddies’ needs into consideration and be willing to negotiate a plan that works for everyone.

Fire Needs Air

By Mary Claire Schibelka

“I went through his phone.”  “I hacked her Facebook.” “Give me your Instagram password so I know I can trust you.”  “Share your location with me.” If you haven’t been on the giving or receiving end of one of these statements, I’m willing to bet that you know or have heard of someone who has.

In the digital age, cheating seems easier than ever.  Twenty years ago, infidelity meant risking being seen in public together or, at the very least, calling the house phone, never knowing who might answer.  Now, we have the ability to silently converse through text messages, dating apps, Instagram DMs, and Snapchats. We no longer share phones and other devices with each other.  Instead, we keep them tucked away in our pockets and often protected by passwords.

For some who fear betrayal, the antidote to their anxiety is total access.  If they can see their partner’s activity, then they can prevent cheating, or at least eliminate the opportunity for it.  This goes hand in hand with the belief that if two people are really in love, they are completely transparent with each other, and doing so increases trust and intimacy.  But what if just the opposite were true?

Esther Perel, famous Belgian psychotherapist and relationship researcher, asserts that in order for desire to endure, partners must maintain a certain degree of independence and privacy.  In fact, the ability for members of a couple to be both autonomous and connected is one of the trademarks of intimacy. Without mystery, novelty, and some elusiveness, the flame of desire can very quickly burn out, thus creating the exact relationship problems we all wish to avoid.

Knowing every detail of your counterpart’s digital activity might not be helpful, anyways.  Typically, when we look for trouble, we are likely to find it, even in things that might not otherwise upset us.  A harmless text message could be misinterpreted by a snooping partner who is hyperaware of any threat to the relationship.  The discovery of a mindlessly “liked” photo might lead to undue suspicions and heartache. While these things are often meaningless, discovering them might feel like a betrayal.

Rather than demanding control and total entry into your partner’s online world, have a discussion and negotiate what is appropriate and what is not.  Is liking pictures posted by the opposite sex okay? A “happy birthday” text to an ex? What about deleting a dating app from your phone but not deleting your account altogether?  The answers to these questions will be different for everyone.

Once boundary lines have been drawn, the next step is to allow room for trust to grow.  Having a hard time trusting your partner? That is a different conversation. Just remember, eliminating privacy is not the answer.  Intimacy and desire need space, or in the words of Esther Perel, “Fire needs air.”

What's Your Type of Desire?

You’re sitting there watching a movie when all of a sudden the people on screen fly into a passionate love scene.  You watch as they go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds. Maybe you shift uncomfortably, maybe you watch, enamored, or maybe you think to yourself..."This doesn’t happen in my relationship anymore. Is there something wrong with me?"

These kinds of scenes are everywhere in Hollywood.  It seems like out of nowhere people are going from not having sex to BOOM, there they go!  Suddenly, they are overcome with a passion and fervor that everyone hopes to have in a relationship.

So is there something wrong with you or your relationship if it’s not like that?  Short answer, no…but let’s take a look.

One of the biggest myths out there is that desire happens spontaneously and without work.  There are a few reasons behind this myth. The main reason is that since many men experience desire seemingly spontaneously, then that means everyone does (this is a myth that deserves its own blog post...which I will write some day).  The second reason points to America’s history with the Puritans. Because we come from a Puritanical background we prefer to believe that people get swept up in the moment of passion rather than own the fact that we have sexual desire and can do the work to satisfy it.

In reality, there are two types of desire. Yes, spontaneous is one of them, but there is also responsive desire.

Spontaneous desire is the feeling one gets when he/she/they want to have sex for no apparent reason; it may be a thought or a physical sensation that just occurs.  Responsive desire is wanting to have sex after experiencing a certain trigger, cue, or stimulus.  

An easy way to differentiate it is to think about a time when you woke up and had a craving for a certain kind of food (spontaneous) versus a time when you walk by a restaurant and see people dining, get a whiff of the smell, hear the silverware clinking against the plate, and then get the feeling that you gotta have that food (responsive).

People often confuse the beginnings of relationships with this concept, believing that in the honeymoon period it’s all spontaneous desire.  Yes, that might have been true some of the time. However, think about the things that lead up to the point of those sexual experiences. You set the date, looked forward to it, showered, got ready, did your hair (and makeup if applicable), met for dinner and as you stared into your date’s eyes in the dimly-lit restaurant… you see where this is going.  I would argue that all of these things created a trigger to then feel intense desire.

So if you don’t have moments where you want to have sex right here, right now(!) there is nothing wrong with you.  You may have responsive desire. And you know who would benefit from knowing you have responsive desire? Your partner!

Let your partner know that “Hey, want to have sex tonight?” isn’t working for you.  Tell them that you need cues, triggers, stimuli to get your engine purring! Think about things that turn you on that both include your partner (cuddling, making out, romantic dinners, sensual massage) and without your partner (creating sexual fantasies, sexual imagery in a movie, erotic literature).  Test this out by scheduling a time in your week where there are no distractions. You and your partner can decide how you want to ease into the moment, knowing that if you don’t feel like it at first, things might change. Notice at what point you get turned on and feel the desire. Noticing is an important step because if it doesn’t happen, then definitely speak up and stop the encounter.  But if it does, go for it!

We can blame Hollywood, the patriarchy, and our Puritan history for the one-sided view of desire.  It has likely created worry, disappointment, and shame for a lot of people. The next time you see the steamy sex scene in a movie, mentally note that it’s very one-sided and you are not required to hold yourself to that version of sexual desire...however if that steamy sex scene is the trigger for your responsive desire… ;-)