How To Choose Your Partner Day After Day- Even When You Don't Want To
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
Remember that blissful feeling at the beginning of your relationship, when you swore your partner was absolutely perfect, and there was no one in the world you’d rather spend time with? When was the last time you felt that? If you’re in a long relationship and realizing that’s been days, months, or even years since you last felt passionate about your hunny, don’t worry. You’re actually in the majority, and there’s something you can do about it.
According to research, infatuation, or the my-partner-can-do-no-wrong feeling I described above, typically lasts from 6 to 18 months, and up to 3 years if you’re exceptionally lucky. After that, you might have a deeper sense of love for your partner, but it will likely be accompanied by the sudden realization that they do have flaws- many of them annoying- and you might find yourself less inclined to be around them every moment of every day.
We’ve all heard the saying, “Love is a choice,” meaning after a certain point, you must choose to dedicate time and effort to your romantic relationship, even when you don’t feel like it, because you value the connection and the emotional wellbeing of your partner.
It is possible to re-experience old feelings of adoration, no matter how long you and your partner have been together. Use these strategies to choose love with your partner everyday, even when you don’t feel like it:
Set Aside Time for Each Other
Each day, intentionally set aside at least 15 minutes to spend with your partner. Turn off the TV, put your phones in another room, and talk about how your day is going, movies, music, current events, or whatever else comes to mind. It doesn’t matter what you talk about as much as it does that you’re taking the time to connect.
Make Sex a Priority
Having sex with your partner releases oxytocin, otherwise known as the bonding chemical. Frequent sex is also linked to reduced stress, greater intimacy, and even lower divorce rates. There is no magic number when it comes to how often you and your partner should be having sex. Instead of setting a quota, talk to your partner about how often each of you need sex in order to feel satisfied and connected. Decide on a frequency that works for both of you, and stick to it.
Express Your Gratitude
Even when you and your partner are in a slump, you can still find something to be grateful for. Notice when your partner does something you appreciate, such as washing a dish after they use it or helping the kids get ready for bed. Then, thank him or her sincerely. It may feel forced at first, but with time, gratitude will become a habit that helps bring your attention to strong points in your relationship.
Stay Respectful
Let’s be honest, it’s not always easy to be nice. You’re going to feel annoyed with your partner, and sometimes, you’ll be tempted to snap. Set boundaries for yourself around how low you’re willing to let yourself go when you’re angry. For example, you might decide that no matter how frustrated you are, you’re not going to ignore or call your partner names. These limits will stop you from becoming downright disrespectful and damaging to your relationship, even on your worst days.
If you’ve been in your relationship long enough, you likely already know that naturally occurring feelings of passion only last so long. It takes work to maintain the connection with the person you’re committed to. While the strategies above might not always sound fun or even helpful right away, stick with them. Both you and your partner will thank yourselves years down the line.
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Why You Can’t Stop Caring What Other People Think
“I want to stop caring about what other people think.” This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life. I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.” This one makes me chuckle. Why? Because it simply cannot be true. Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree.
By Mary Claire Schibelka, LPC
“I want to stop caring about what other people think.”
This is something I hear often from not only clients, but also people I’ve encountered throughout my everyday life. I also hear a lot of, “I don’t care what people think.” This one makes me chuckle.
Why? Because it simply cannot be true. Everybody cares what people think, at least to some degree. Nature has a reason for this, but more on that later. What I assume people mean when they say they don’t care what others think is that they don’t consider their opinions the be-all-end-all when it comes to their own self-evaluation. This is healthy, but too much rejection of what others think might actually not be.
Here’s why:
Surviving the Wilderness
From the beginning of human existence up until just a few hundred years ago, fitting in was necessary for survival. Picture this. You’re living in a log cabin in the middle of the wilderness, and the closest river is starting to dry up. The other people in your community decide they don’t like you very much. One morning, you wake up to find that while you were sleeping, they all packed their things and took off in search of a new place to set up camp. What would that mean for you?
You guessed it. You’d probably be done for.
For thousands of years, people evolved in the context of needing one another to survive. Yes, you could probably survive on your own now, but the coding of our brains hasn’t changed as quickly as times have. Hence, the gut-wrenching feeling that shows up whenever you notice that someone might not like you. Rejection from others was once dangerous, and sometimes, it still is.
Survival in the Modern World
What would happen if your boss liked you more?
Right now, you might be imagining a promotion. An easier time taking vacation days off. A down payment on a condo paid for by your next bonus.
Now, imagine what could happen if your boss didn’t like you. Say goodbye to that bonus, your job, and maybe even your next meal if you go too long without finding a new one (another task that requires being liked).
Even in modern society, others’ opinions of us play an important role in our quality of life. Things tend to be easier when others like us and more stressful when they don’t. Going through life completely disregarding what anybody thinks is not only impossible, it’s unwise.
Caring Too Much
Caring what other people think becomes problematic when it starts to interfere with your acceptance of yourself. Regardless of how we behave, there will always- and I repeat always- be people who don’t like us. Without a firm grounding in self-acceptance, you might find yourself constantly chasing praise, overthinking your social interactions, people pleasing, or hyperfocusing on your physical appearance- all of which can take a toll on your career and personal relationships.
How to Care Less What Other People Think
Love Yourself: If you’re spending too much time and energy worrying about what other people think of you, the first step you must take is to learn to love yourself. Picture the person you are when no one else is around. Make a list of all the things you like about that person. When you truly like who you are at the core, you don’t need external validation to make you feel worthy of love and acceptance.
Check the Facts: How many times are you telling yourself that other people don’t like you, even when you can’t know for sure? We get in the way of our own happiness when we start trying to read minds. Next time you see your coworker making a nasty face during a meeting and think, “She hates my idea,” ask yourself, “Do I have any evidence to support this thought?” If not, consider other possibilities. Maybe your coworker just had bad leftovers for lunch.
Consider the Source: Your roommate thinks your new highlights look trashy. Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her with a girl who had a similar hair color! There’s an example of a judgment that has almost nothing to do with you and everything to do with your roommate’s background. Anytime someone evaluates you, they are doing so through their own set of filters and biases. Does this mean that their opinion doesn’t matter? Not necessarily, but it does mean that you should take other people’s judgments with a grain of salt. What one person sees as your greatest fault might be someone else’s favorite thing about you.
Stick With the People Who Love You for You: One of the greatest ways to build self-esteem and stop caring too much about what other people think is to stay in the company of those who love you for your authentic self. Surrounding yourself with people who point out the best in you will help make you immune to the criticisms of others. Seek out a community that inspires you to grow while reminding you of your inherent value. Avoid relationships that feel competitive or cut-throat, as these will likely bring out the worst in you anyways.
Caring what people think is part of being human. Depending on the issue, others’ opinions can be more or less important. Your boss’s thoughts on your performance last quarter? Important. A snide comment from a girl at a party about how you shouldn’t be wearing white after Labor Day? Useless. The point is, you get to decide how you react to your brain’s semi-outdated alarm bells. In this case particularly, I say wear the white.